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Uhhhhh so, sometime around NIGHTTIME yesterNIGHT the world got word that Mayor Bloomberg, mayor of Gossip Girl City, declared yesterday “Gossip Girl Day” in honor of the show’s 100th episode. Obviously this is a huge honor and if you’re listening, Mayor Bloomberg, I definitely don’t care HOW many schools you have to close (all of them?) in order to make maybe every day Gossip Girl day, but YOU HAVE TO GIVE A GIRL SOME WARNING! So she can plan a party! At the Empire Hotel! In some kind of plaque-giving ceremony at Long Island City’s Silvercup Studios, a female intern wrote this for Mayor Bloomberg to say, via Vulture:
“I don’t have a whole lot of time to follow what New York magazine has called ‘The Greatest Teen Drama of our time,’ he said, feigning indifference. “But I am interested in finding out who the real Gossip Girl is–Serena’s cousin, maybe? And I don’t see how Blair could marry Prince Lewis while she is clearly in love with Chuck, although she and Dan became pretty close when they interned at that fashion magazine. And I just wish that Nate and Vanessa had been able to work things out, I guess Nate was preoccupied with everything that was going on with his father and Jenny and, I mean, it was a tangled web, I guess Dan would have ended up making their relationship impossible anyway, but I’m just a casual fan.”
I have so many problems with this, female intern. First of all, NO ONE is interested in finding out who Gossip Girl is. Second of all, what Serena’s cousin are you talking about? Lola, the REAL Charlie, or Ivy, the girl pretending to be Charlie who didn’t even know who any of them were before Serena’s Aunt hired to PRETEND to be Charlie so she could get her inheritance or whatever? Third of all, obviously Blair is not going to end up with the Prince. They literally KILLED A BABY to make sure there’d be no reason for that to happen. Fourth of all, Vanessa was the worst and no one wanted Nate to work it out with her and the fact that she’s not on the show anymore has made it 1000% better. GET ME TO WRITE YOUR BLURB NEXT TIME, YOU DOOFUS. Anyway here are some ideas for how to celebrate Gossip Girl day next January 26, SINCE WE MISSED OUR CHANCE THIS TIME AROUND.
Hold on! I know that last week’s trailers was meager pickings, but I feel like we really shouldered the brunt of that. Come on, guys. Get fired up! Trailers are only what you make them. (That does not sound right, but I am not editing this intro and that’s final.) Why should Videogum be punished? (Again, here I may be using the word “punished” incorrectly, but until the technology is invented that allows me to quickly and easily reference the meanings of words, it will have to stand.) Whatever. Maybe you guys will be cheered up by this week’s crop which includes a new Duplass brothers comedy starring Jason Segel and Ed Helms or might I interest you in a futuristic thriller about a SPACE PRISON?! Now we are cooking with laughing gas!
Just when you felt safe, here comes some boring dumb garbage creepin’ up. RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Man oh man are the StoryCorps videos great. This is going to be the best/last year yet!
The Office wasn’t on last night, replaced by a second new episode of 30 Rock. That was nice! Sometimes you have to be away from something for a little while to understand how much you appreciate it, but that wasn’t really the case here! Mostly because the first episode of 30 Rock — the continuation of the Tracy Morgan gay rights/idiot rights two-parter — wasn’t great. I didn’t really like that plot line. If they were a little tougher with the issue it would’ve made the whole thing funnier and more worthwhile, but, as I said last week, why bother bringing it up at all if you’re going to treat it so lightly? Huh? HUH, TINA FEY? (I almost liked the Kelsey Grammar plot line, but mostly I didn’t even like that.) (Very hard to please.) The second episode of 30 Rock was enjoyable, though! The MLK day movie trailer was perfect, no duh. “Got MLK” was a wonderful tagline choice. And, you know, Will Arnett. And the red paint splash. And bathroom Tina Fey friend. And the ending. And the smiles. And the laughs. ALL GREAT! Good ep. Speaking of good eps, that Parks and Recreation ep was great! Ugh, I’m so happy that show exists and is a great show. Aziz was my #1 character last night, with the Drive jacket, and the bowling, and the “me and you — hurt fingies!” Very good job. Leslie and Adam Scott are the best couple in the history of TV couples I can remember at this moment. And, once again, I like it when April does things that are human. I can certainly see why one wouldn’t like a show like Parks and Recreation, because some people don’t even have hearts at all?, but I have to tell those people that you are wrong and maybe you should give growing a heart a chance. It makes it easier to live! WHAT’D YOU GUYS THINK?
Oh, hey! Remember that mayor from East Haven, Connecticut, who was so racist this week? Joseph Maturo Jr.? Well, that clip when “viral” (CNN’s word) and made what had been a small local news story into a big national news story, as things that go “viral” so often will, and so now poor, so totally racist Joseph Maturo Jr. is not only fielding critical inquiries from his down-to-Earth local news team, but also from the shiny-faced big boys from CNN and what have you. Well, good. It beats another report on “parents, find out how much arsenic could be in your baby’s legs,” or whatever. To recap: the Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested four East Haven police officers on charges of racial discrimination against the local latino community, and when a local news team asked the mayor what he was going to do to reassure and improve the lives of his latino constituents, he said that he was going to have tacos for dinner, or maybe spaghetti. Haaaa. Naturally, his office has since received more than 500 mailed in PROTEST TACOS! Unfortunately, of course, Protest Tacos almost never achieve their stated goals due to the fact that they are just as delicious as Regular Tacos. Joseph Maturo Jr. has apologized for his comments, because at the end of the day he is a human being living in 2012, so even if he doesn’t know that you shouldn’t make some crazy racist statements as the mayor in response to a legitimate FBI-involved political/racial scandal in your city, he at least knows that YOU BETTER ‘POLOGIZE! And then, when pressed by CNN cameras*, he even went on to explain what he was trying to say, and that’s when shit got real racist all over again:
[Uggie is currently swept up in the hectic and whirlwind schedule of awards season and on top of that he is a dog, so this interview is fake.]
Videogum: Uggie!
Uggie: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: You are a very cute dog! Thank you for sitting for this interview.
U: Bark bark.
Uggie sits.
VG: Good boy!
U: Bark.
VG: Awwwww.
U: Bark bark bark.
VG: Ahhhhh so cute! Hahahahaha.
U: Bark bark bark bark high-pitched-whine bark.
VG: Who’s a good boy?
U: Bark bark bark.
VG: I’m sorry, I have to hold you to the question. Please answer the question, Uggie. Who’s a good boy?
U: Bark.
VG: That’s right you are! Now, before we continue let me just congratulate you on all the success of your hit movie, The Artist.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: I haven’t seen it yet, which I wouldn’t normally admit to an interview subject, but you are a dog so who cares. But I’ve heard it’s very good!
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Right. No, totally.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Uh huh. So, how does it feel to be famous?
Oh my god, for a second there I thought you were going to do the LAMEST thing and swing your guitar around your body and then continue you playing it, but YOU FOOLED ME! I’ll never doubt you or your horrible band again. Put your guitars in the air! 2012! (Thanks for the tip, Megan!)
