Last night I watched Death Sentence. Shame on me. Actually, shame on Ricky first, for telling me to watch it, and then shame on me for doing so. If you haven't seen it, Death Sentence is a vengeance movie starring Kevin Bacon and directed by James Wan, who also gave the world Saw. James Wan is your boyfriend. Anyway, the basic story is that Kevin Bacon's son gets killed right in front of him in a "gang initiation murder" at a gas station. Oh, btw, he gets killed WITH A MACHETE. Instead of pressing charges, Bacon decides to take matters into his own hands (the only respectable thing about this movie) but it turns out the guy who killed his son, who he kills, is the younger brother of the gang's leader, so that starts a war with the gang. Right. Totally. It's basically what you read about in the paper every day but are TOO BLINDED by your MIDDLE CLASS existence to see, SHEEPLE.
Everything about this movie is ridiculous. For example, Kevin Bacon is a family man who works as the VP at some kind of investment firm, but it turns out he's also really good at close quarters combat. Like, at one point he's smashing a guy's face into a bar with one hand, and knocking someone unconscious with the other hand, which is wrapped in bandages. You know, dad stuff. He speaks really offensive colloquial Spanish all of a sudden when the movie's almost over but he needs some important information. He buys some guns but has to read the manual because he doesn't know how to use them, but as soon as he's done reading the manual HE'S SO GOOD AT GUNS. Did I mention that his son gets killed by a machete?
Here is a clip from the season finale of The Hills. SPOILER ALERT you're welcome.
Did they shoot this on a Walkman? You can always tell when it's getting "real" on this show because it suddenly stops looking like a movie about pretty robots taking over a planet made of candy.
That's a joke! They would never do that to fans of the sitcom/mystery, or "sit-myst," but in this Hollywood Reporter interview with Mother co-creator Craig Thomas (which also includes clips of Britney on tonight's episode), he makes it clear that not only does Britney's character "tie up" loose plot ends from earlier in the series, but they've left things open for her to return next season. (Wow, no shit.)
It's great that Britney has helped save the show, and she is funny on it, but if I see her character with a yellow umbrella, I swear to God...
Breaking news on the Rehashed Nostalgia newsfront today. From the New York Daily News:
"The Gong Show" is returning to television.
The latest incarnation of the hit '70s talent search will be hosted by comedian Dave Attell and air on Comedy Central beginning July 17. "The Gong Show With Dave Attell" will feature up to 10 acts that will be judged by a revolving panel of three celebrities.
Everything I know about The Gong Show comes from Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which was based off of host/creator Chuck Barris's memoirs, although those memoirs are highly suspect. He claimed to have been a covert operative of the CIA. That sounds about right. If you've seen any of the Bourne movies, then you know that most spies also work in some form of on-air talent capacity.
So I was going through the YouTube archives of The Gong Show to see what was up.
Last night in a juicy interview with Morley Safer, Alec Baldwin demonstrated his range as an unfiltered, egomaniacal, totally charming emotional roller coaster. Watching him go from joking about his age ("I'm getting pretty close to Law And Order judge phase of my career") to defending his description of Dick Cheney as "a lying thieving oil whore" by pointing out that the cameramen are laughing, to sounding unavoidably batshit crazy when the subject of his ex-wife comes up, Alec is just never not entertaining. Even when he's dissing Johnny Depp:
"Johnny Depp seems like someone who needs to be taken care of. Women want to reach out and sort of braid his hair."
Huh. I'm pretty sure the trailer for the A&E mini-series remake of The Andromeda Strain looks more exciting than this, and I know how The Andromeda Strain ends (SPOILER ALERT if you look up "deus ex machina" in the dictionary, there's a picture of The Andromeda Strain). I just can't seem to get excited for what looks like a combination of Never Cry Wolf and every serial-killer-kidnaps-a-woman movie ever. Also, no offense nerds but that whistling theme just falls flat. It was cool in the '90s, but now I just feel like I'm about to watch an eight-hour Argentinian telenovela about a woman who loses everything only to discover herself.
We've all seen the exciting Dark Knight trailers when we went to the theater for Spiderwick Chronicles opening weekend, but here's the first TV spot:
Nothing too much new here, but it's nice to know that there are going to be so many more quips than we had thought. Before there was just Alfred with his "The Ferrari then, sir?" nonsense. Now there's Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) and Detective Gordon (Gary Oldman) quipping it up like they're palling around backstage before a taped tryout for Whose Line Is It Anyway. They should probably have called this move The Quips Knight, or Batman and the Quips of the Round Table, or Sir Quips a Lot. I could do this all day, and I might.
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
lindsay: enchanted is the best kiss
gabe: ew
gabe: your favorite kiss is when he kisses a dead woman
gabe: that's what you think kissing is
lindsay: The woman is supposed to not move at all, right?
lindsay: I read that in my sex manual
lindsay: "Just Lie There"
lindsay: By Kathie Lee Gifford
gabe: you're supposed to lie in a coffin
gabe: because that's what guys like
gabe: you're supposed to lie in a satin coffin
Founder/Editor-In-Chief
Scott Lapatine Senior Editors
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Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery, patience, and taste.
The Challenge: To create a video blog, or vlog, using a set of ground rules established by Lindsay. The Result: Gabe leaves videogum.com and returns to LiveJournal, where he can be with people who have similar interests. Is there anything...
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
lindsay: enchanted is the best kiss gabe: ew gabe: your favorite kiss is when he kisses a dead woman gabe: that's what you think kissing is lindsay: The woman is supposed to not move at all, right? lindsay: I read...
Tony Stark looked out at the falling snow. He had rid the world of crime and poverty, but could he rid his heart of feelings for Mr. Darby? It seemed impossible. Pepper Potts came down to the laboratory with a...
