After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
As a rule, a children's movie cannot be the Worst Movie of All Time. Make no mistake, children's movies are categorically horrible, with very few exceptions, and those exceptions tend to be children's movies that are mostly for adults, i.e. the only good children's movies are actually adults' movies. But even the worst children's movie has an intended audience of uneducated monsters (children), so you can't really get mad at it. As someone who once declared the live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie to be "probably the best movie I've ever seen. It was incredible," I feel confident in saying that children's movies serve their own unique function outside the bounds of mature (mature?) criticism.
So there was some debate about whether or not Kangaroo Jack even belonged in the Hunt. Obviously, it was terrible. That was not up for debate. If absolutely no one on Earth saw this movie (and that is not the case at all, so many people saw this, what?), it would still be generally thought of as horrible. But is it a children's movie? Because if it is, let's move on and leave sleeping kangaroos lie (sorry). But Kangaroo Jack is not a children's movie exactly. For one, it doesn't have any children in it. As a general pre-requisite a children's movie has at least one child in it, as a stand in for the young viewer. Or, if not a child, then a CGI creature with childlike qualities. Could that be the titular Kangaroo Jack? Almost, except that he's not at all childlike, or even remotely funny or interesting or any kind of narrative subject for the theoretical child-viewer's gaze. He mostly behaves like an actual kangaroo (with the exception of one miserable dream sequence), and he's CGI because it's impossible to get a kangaroo to do what you want on a movie. So, the final conclusion is that this is a family movie (wikipedia describes it as a "buddy-action movie" which seems stupidly generous) and is thereby a valid entry in the Hunt. PHEW.
For every kid who tried to get their parents to buy a whoopie cushion from that ad page in every Archie comic, or made a fart sound into a cassette recorder and hid it under a sibling's chair over and over, trying to get the timing right, there's the iPhone app "iFart," which you all probably already know about but I just found out about because I don't have an iPhone, okay? TRY NOT TO LAUGH. It isn't possible:
And it's apparently the #1 selling iPhone app? Of course it is! I really hope there's some dude out there right now buying a McMansion with cash and calling it "The house that farts built." (Thanks for the tip, Alex!)
Don Draper is an old man and needs to get out of the game.
Obviously, I recognize that this is fake rap, and I want there to be no confusion: the dedicated campaign to eradicate fake rap continues APACE in '09. But the thing that makes fake rap so abysmal is the tendency among fake rappers to assume that all you have to do to rap is make silly rhymes and move your hands around. It's insulting and probably a little bit racist ("that music what's just people talking"), and that is why it has to go. But that's not what's happening here. Sure, they're making silly rhymes, and some of them even move their hands around (Gary Ballard!) but this is something different. No one here is under the impression that they're actually rapping. I'm pretty sure three-quarters of the people in this video don't even understand the words they're saying. And I'm absolutely positive that four-quarters of them are your boyfriend.
If one of your New Year's resolutions was to watch better television, or watch less crap television, yay, me too. And smart people like us can start tonight, with the first two episodes of the BBC's six-part 2007 series, The Story Of India, which makes its US premiere on PBS at 9pm, and will continue each Monday through January 19. Look, learning is fun!
The AP is reporting today that Will Smith was 2008's most successful box office draw. Fair enough. Will Smith is a very famous movie actor, and has been for some time. And most of his movies are major blockbusters that do very well for themselves. It seems mildly believable that Will Smith was the year's most successful box office draw of 2008. Although, wait a second, wasn't The Dark Knight practically the highest grossing film of all time? No offense to the I'm sure impressive ticket sales for Hancock, but seriously, wait, what? Was it Seven Pounds? Was it the Christmas week box office of Seven Pounds that put Smith over the edge to beat out THE HIGHEST GROSSING FILM OF ALL TIME, PRACTICALLY SPEAKING. So then you start to read this article, because for one you're kind of fascinated by just the simple thought of gigantic sums of money, but also something seems a little off to you about this whole Will Smith thing especially in 2008, and the opening paragraph is as follows:
If the EXTREME! guys from Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle drank too much vodka and Gatorade and became born again, they would be exactly like the stars of this "Extreme Faith" video. Yes, the guy in the beginning says funny words, but I implore you to watch the middle part, where a voice-over description of Jesus's grisly death set over slow motion extreme-ski-porn reaches the dizzying heights of comic absurdity:
And don't worry, guys: even if you don't know that guy, you'll see him on the powdery slopes of heaven. (Via everythingisterrible.)
The new season of Celebrity Big Brother premiered in the UK this weekend, and guess who one of the housemates is. I will give you 32 guesses. Get it? Because he's 32 inches tall? I'm basically Vladimir BLOGOKOV, because of all the incredibly complex word games I'm playing. This whole site is such a puzzle. Oh look, here he is.
Verne and I, of course, used to be in a feud. But we made up for Christmas. So I really hope he wins this new show! How do you win Big Brother? I know it has something to do with giving Russell Brand a blowjob and not letting the other housemates eat you, but maybe there's a special twist for the celebrities? In any case, good luck to Mr. Troyer.
And get healthy in that celebrity gym, Hamburgler!
Some lawyer in Seattle made a special local commercial just for holiday/New Year divorces. I think the first rule of commercial-making should be "Don't advertise that you will help ruin someone's New Year." Also, the people who are supposed to be in need of Gallagher, Esq.'s services are, like, mean slobs? Hey Mike, they're supposed to represent your clients:
Founder/Editor-In-Chief
Scott Lapatine Senior Editors Gabe Delahaye Lindsay Robertson Executive Editor
Amrit Singh Technology & Operations
Jim Jazwiecki
Angela Williams
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
As a rule, a children's movie cannot be the Worst Movie of All Time. Make no mistake, children's movies are categorically horrible, with very few exceptions, and those exceptions tend to be children's movies that are mostly for adults, i.e....
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery, patience, and taste.
The Challenge: Despite being averse to cameras, teamwork, exotic foods, travel, haircuts, and physical exertion, I have to submit an audition tape to Survivor. The Result: As with the Saw marathon challenge, once again I find myself rocking back and...
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
Lindsay: the Golden Globes are even stupider and wronger than usual this year! Lindsay: Particularly in the comedy movie category Lindsay: and also the nomination for Entourage Lindsay: What does Entourage have to do to NOT get nominated? Gabe: impossible...
Verne Troyer put down his glass of egg nog and looked out the window at the falling snow. The fuzzy strains of Bing Crosby Christmas played softly in the background, as Verne Troyer's own sex tape flickered in mute on...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
