Can you imagine the built-in anecdote this baby is going to have for the rest of his life? Any time Billy Murray or a Billy Murray movie is brought up in conversation with new people he will be free to say, “Oh, ha-ha, one time when I was a baby [he can work on the anecdote for sure, he doesn't have to use this one word for word] I met Bill Murray. Like, as far as a baby can actually meet anyone, you know? Hah. But, you know how he would always do those things…I mean, maybe you don’t. Who knows what the present [future] is like, but in the past [present] it was well-known that Bill Murray often went to random parties and posed for pictures with random people that would always make it online. It kind of toed the line between something funny and nice — like he was having fun with his celebrity in the way that lots of us imagine we’d like to if we were ever to become famous — and something that seemed a little weird. You know? Maybe you don’t. Anyway, it was kind of like that. I was crying and he made a crying face and the photo went viral for a bit. Hah. Hahah. I know, it’s super weird.” HE CAN SAY THAT EXACT THING TO EVERYONE, FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, WHENEVER HE’S FEELING AWKWARD AND DOENS’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY! Ugh, super jealous of this baby. Oh so anyway, why don’t you caption them?
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. (Full-sized crying after the jump.)
- Jennifer Aniston, Matthew Perry, and Courteney Cox reunited on Ellen and made a bunch of lame Friends jokes. Does that mean they’re going to make the movie finally?!? Guys?!?!? -Pajiba
- Forbes says the Zach Braff Kickstarter backlash is “misguided and misinformed.” I say why don’t you marry him if you love him so much. -Forbes
- Michael Cera has a new short film up on JASH titled “Gregory Go Boom.” I haven’t watched it yet so I can’t speak for its quality, but I DO know that it will fill about 17 minutes of the rest of your time on Earth! -JASH
- GQ has created a list of the 100 funniest things on the Internet. Does Videogum come in at number one? Click 2 find out! -GQ
- Want to watch the final Man of Steel trailer? Up to you! -FilmDrunk
- Steven Soderbergh is selling a bunch of props and photos from his films for charity, INCLUDING the Erin Brockovich clapper. How much money do you have? -/Film
The streets is laughing. You flocka for this one, Waka! (Via Interweber.)
I’m currently looking for an apartment and today I saw one with a few strangers and the current owners of the apartment we were being shown (stay with me, it’s worth it) (haha, it’s not worth it, I lied, skip 2 the videos!) were babysitting a cat. One of the current owners said, “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever want a cat again after babysitting this one,” and one of the guys who was also seeing the apartment said, “You got your fix?” And the girl replied, “Oh…Yeah, he’s fixed.” And then that was the end of the conversation! Hahahahahahaah. YOU HAD TO BE THERE, just kidding, it was never something worth mentioning, but you know those times when you’re on the outside of a conversation and you hear a miscommunication and you know that that miscommunication will never get solved, and it’ll just linger in the air until each party forgets? Those are the best times. I love ‘em. I’m lovin’ them. Get your cats fixed! OK, LET’S WATCH ANIMAL VIDEOS NOW!
The Hollywood Reporter did a new profile of Joe Francis after he was recently found guilty on three counts of false imprisonment and one count of assault (!!!) and it seems like our old friend is doin’ just fine! This is literally the opening paragraph of the article:
Joe Francis digs his fingers into my knee. “I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally f–ing retarded and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself,” he shouts. “You are the weakest members of the herd. Goodbye! And if that jury wants to convict me because I didn’t show up, which is the only reason why they did, then, you know, they should all be lined up and shot!”
Phew! A lot of men might buckle under the pressure of such intense legal difficulties, but not good old Joe Francis. He’s got his head on straight and is remaining cool, no COOLER than a cucumber. People are like, Joe, how do you stay so grounded? And he is just like, guys, I don’t know what to tell you, everyone has to find their own path, but know that we are all part of something larger than ourselves, and that you can’t find peace in the world until you find peace within, and that all juries are fucking retards who deserve to die. Anyway, the article about how even-keeled and put together Joe Francis is continues with more examples of his supreme normalcy:
Now the guy from Amy’s Baking Company is possibly being deported and Amy’s real name is Amanda and she once spent a year in jail for identity theft? Why don’t they make the whole show out of this black box?!
I don’t remember a lot of bullying going on with my grade school classmates. (High school is a different story, but what we’re discussing here is not high school so relax.) Generally the kids were nice enough to each other, EVEN TO THE NERDS, otherwise they for sure knew they were going to go to hell or that a nun would hit them with a ruler or that they would AT LEAST get a demerit, whatever that even meant. But one odd thing that stands out in my memory of grade school is that these kids, who were all generally nice to each other, EVEN TO THE NERDS, were UNTHINKABLY mean to the school bus driver. I guess because nuns didn’t ride the bus with them so there was no threat of physical harm? I don’t even want to repeat some of the things those little jerks would say because they make my heart hurt, but man oh man. Like. Okay, I’ll say one just so you get it: They would say the seats were his only friends, AND THEN THEY WOULD PUNCH THE SEATS? What?! It is certainly kid-level harassment, BUT STILL HARASSMENT! Stupid garbage kids. (And the bus driver was so nice! One time he drove me back to my house because I forgot my slip for the Scholastic Book Fair!) So anyway that’s all just to say that this prank, pulled by a school bus driver, is one of the better pranks. For all the school bus drivers out there who have to put up with a million screaming jerks every day.
The Cannes Film Festival is currently underway in France, which, to people like you and me, is kind of like saying the Elysium Film Festival is currently underway in space. Give me a break. (Trace amounts of cancer detected.) I mean, must be nice! I’m sure it is nice. Although I am also confused by major league film festivals a lot of the time. People buy the movies at Cannes but they also win prizes? But then some of the movies can’t be “show in competition” but they still screen them, like, G.I. Joe and stuff, in which case it’s obviously not an art movie, and it’s also not for sale, it’s just an advertisement. To whom? The other people at Cannes? Don’t they already know about G.I. Joe? FORGET IT, JAKE, IT’S ELYSIUM. (I hope so so bad that that is an actual line in the movie Elysium.) Anyway, apparently the Pussy Posse (gross, sorry) is in Cannes, because like where else would they even be. Here is a photograph of the Pussy Posse’s (gross, sorry) HBIC, Leonardo DiCaprio, partying at “Club Gotha” with TWO e-cigarettes immediately on hand. (According to LaineyGossip, Lukas Haas was also on hand, making this an Official Pussy Posse (Gross, Sorry) Meet Up.) Here is the thing about this photograph: have you ever been to a night club? It stinks! I know that some people like it, but most of those people are 22 years old. Even people who enjoy going to the club don’t really enjoy going to the club, they are just pursuing their ulterior motives in the most efficient way they know how. But Leo is 38 years old. And his entire life is a VIP Area with complimentary bottle service. That’s what he gets at Jiffy Lube while he’s waiting for his oil changed. His mom probably ropes off the living room and roller skates in with a bottle of champagne with sparklers sticking out of the top when he goes home to visit. So those obnoxious and depressing status markers aren’t the point for a person like him. Is it that it is only at a club, behind a wall of security guards, with a newsboy hat pulled low over his brow, with one e-cigarette in his hand and another tucked behind his ear in case of emergencies, with the darkened lights and the mind-obliteratingly loud music that Leo finally feels safe enough and comfortable enough to do the one thing he most wants to do: dance? HE TRULY IS THE GREAT GATSBY! That book is just about a dude who wants to dance but is embarrassed, right? Also did you know that many years ago the same woman who wrote that book about the Bling Ring wrote an article for New York Magazine about the Pussy Posse (gross, sorry) that features a truly horrible story in which Leonardo enthusiastically cheers while his friend punches Elizabeth Berkley’s boyfriend in the throat after calling him a faggot just because he asked them to please stop sexually harassing his girlfriend? Pin that one up to the inside of your locker door, girls! (Thanks for the tip, Mary.)