incandenza

I'm just going to say I wish he would play in his goddamn hometown every once in a while. Shucks.

on New Prefuse 73 - "Always Alone Choir" at May 12, 2009 12:43 PM
Score = 0

You wanted to know what happens after irony? This is it. This is post-irony. It isn't sincerity, not quite. It's not so naive. It's not so easy. It's painful, and it's not an enviable position to be in.

But today it is almost sort of a necessary posture to adopt, or else if you're thoughtful at all, if you're cognizant of all the terrible shit that's going on in the world and your utter inability to do anything about it besides lamely attempt to cope and make people laugh, the only recourse is suicide. No, I'm not calling you lame, but I'm sure we all understand that basically any one person's response to this world is by definition lame, pathetic, incapable of effecting change on a meaningful level except maybe to the people in your immediate life.

Gabe, you don't know shit about any of us and we don't know anything about you, but reading Videogum is one of the highlights (read: sole activities) of my boring-ass workday. And even when you're being so 200% snarky, it helps me assume I have a handle on at least one— granted, pathetic—aspect of this existence. So if the price for us readers is having to carry you across a beach when you can no longer walk, I'm pretty sure everyone here would volunteer.

on There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Louis C.K. Show at June 25, 2009 4:31 PM
Score = 14

Not only does this scream fake, like you said - the voiceover narration is completely unnerving and way too close to the mic. It feels like the narrator is lying on his back in your ear canal, trench coat spread open beneath him, playing with himself while he mumbles 'Gooby'.

Or, I don't know, maybe that's just me.

on We Need To Talk About Gooby at June 25, 2009 9:50 AM
Score = 33

Okay, having read this interview in full I can say that this does nothing to dispel my personal conception of Tommy Wiseau as either (A) a confused but well-meaning crash-landed alien or (B) a confused but well-meaning Frankenstein monster who only recently thawed and began filming movies with great passion. Or the less-charitable but undeniable possibility that (C) he is actually a little bit retarded.

But I like to believe (A)

on Tommy Wiseau Tells All To The Onion's A/V Club at June 24, 2009 4:30 PM
Score = 12

You are tearing me apart, Lindsay.

on Tommy Wiseau Tells All To The Onion's A/V Club at June 24, 2009 4:22 PM
Score = 8

I'm really happy they found this kid. Can you imagine how terrible we'd all feel if he did all this stuff, his family found all these clues, and they all led to his dead body? Jesus. That's a sad short story right there. Not to get too serious on y'all, but. Just saying.

on Tiny Little Boy Vs. Wild at June 23, 2009 5:32 PM
Score = 4

I feel like I need to add that this is one of the best reviews ever. The scorn, it is so casual, but so zesty as well.

on Roger Ebert Tears Transformers 2 A New Robo-Butthole at June 23, 2009 5:19 PM
Score = 6

Yes, please, more robot genitalia jokes. You know how much those turn me on.

on Roger Ebert Tears Transformers 2 A New Robo-Butthole at June 23, 2009 5:12 PM
Score = 0

Someone here is going to make a comment about black people and dancing, but it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

on Some Next Level Ottoman Humpers Shit at June 19, 2009 3:18 PM
Score = -20

You know, usually when people get crushed in movies, you don't really see the actual crushing in much detail. Thanks, Roland Emmerich, for taking Vatican People Crushing to a new, more exciting level.

on The Independence Day After 2012 B.C. at June 19, 2009 3:14 PM
Score = 3

Here's how I imagine this scene unfolding:

BALLBOT takes Optimus Prime's gigantic sunglasses, crushes them in his hands.

OPTIMUS: "Those were 5 Million Dollar Sunglasses, Asshole"

OPTIMUS kicks BALLBOT in the BALLS

on Nice Try, Michael Bay at June 17, 2009 6:00 PM
Score = 26