Goodbye To All Of That

The Hills ended last Sunday with a one hour finale in which Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married, Lauren Conrad "quit" her "job," and Kristen Cavallari showed up as if somehow we were supposed to believe that was a... CONTINUE READING GOODBYE TO ALL OF THAT»

The Hills: Fuck This Show In The Face Until It Dies (Season Finale)

Spencer has changed. Says Spencer. He has breakfast with Heidi's long suffering mom, Darlene, and explains that he's been going to therapy. He's already done the early-20's "sleazy guy thing," he tells the mother of his future wife. But he's... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: FUCK THIS SHOW IN THE FACE UNTIL IT DIES (SEASON FINALE)»

The Hills: Lauren Conrad's Penultimate Attempt At Relevance

Heidi is getting married. To Spencer. Our great national nightmare is almost at its end, just as the long, personal nightmare of the Pratts enters a new phase. Spencer has won the approval of Heidi's "cowboy" father, who has agreed... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: LAUREN CONRAD'S PENULTIMATE ATTEMPT AT RELEVANCE»

The Hills: In This Economy, It's Tough To Find Pretend Work

The economic crisis is affecting everyone. Why, just the other day, there were a bunch of imaginary layoffs at the imaginary company where Audrina Patridge pretends to work, and she was like "OMG, I can hardly make-believe it." She had... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: IN THIS ECONOMY, IT'S TOUGH TO FIND PRETEND WORK»

The Hills: Audrina Patridge And Audrina Hyde

Since Lauren Conrad has said that this is her last season of The Hills, but because MTV has already announced that they're going ahead with a sixth, Lauren-free season, you can see how the producers are already trying to ween... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: AUDRINA PATRIDGE AND AUDRINA HYDE»

The Hills: "I Feel Like I'm In A Nightmare"

It seems fair to assume that when The Hills first started, the system for creating (and when necessary, recreating) dramatic conflict or narrative arcs was already well established, and while it got more refined over time it is not a... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: "I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A NIGHTMARE"»

The Hills: The Devil Wears People's Revolution

I'm tired. Watching this show is like carrying a dead body over rocky terrain. Not that I have any idea what that's like, and I'd be happy to never actually compare the two experiences. But it's so much useless weight,... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: THE DEVIL WEARS PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION»

The Hills: What Doesn't Kill You Almost Kills You

Here we are again, you guys. Standing at the foot of Mount Doom in the heart of Mordor. The only thing wearier than our legs is our hearts. We are unsure if we have what it takes to scale this... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU ALMOST KILLS YOU»

The Hills: Whitney Has Always Dreamed Of Moving To Spin-Off Show City

Most of this week's episode is a build up to the December 29th premiere of Whitney Port's spin-off series, The City, which is too bad because I would much rather have seen them work in a bunch of build up... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: WHITNEY HAS ALWAYS DREAMED OF MOVING TO SPIN-OFF SHOW CITY»

The Hills: How Many Pratts Does It Take To Fit In A Jail Cell?

If there is one thing in this world that I love without question it is grandmas. They're basically moms, who are great, but even better. Let's give it up for grandmas, everyone. Let them know. But on last night's episode... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: HOW MANY PRATTS DOES IT TAKE TO FIT IN A JAIL CELL?»

The Hills: Still With The Heidi And The Job Thing

First of all, Audrina and Justin Bobby are finally getting serious. OMG, can you believe it? After all these yeazzzzzzzzzz. The thing is, Justin likes hanging out down on Venice Beach because it's so zenlike, but when he gets up... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: STILL WITH THE HEIDI AND THE JOB THING»

The Hills: Pre-Staged Love Will Tear Audrina Apart

This week, Audrina is still hung up on Justin Bobby some more, which actually kind of proves that this show is slightly more "real" than people have been giving it credit for lately. Because if it really was nothing but... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: PRE-STAGED LOVE WILL TEAR AUDRINA APART»

The Hills: Brody Jenner Is Still Alive

It's Brody Jenner's birthday! Oh good. I'm so glad he didn't get run over by a dump truck this year. JUST KIDDING. I don't wish Brody Jenner, or anyone else any physical harm. I hope that everyone lives long and... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: BRODY JENNER IS STILL ALIVE»

The Hills: Holly Montag Is Unnecessary

I refuse to talk about Audrina's boy problems. As far as I'm concerned, Audrina should seal up her vagina with cement. Justin Bobby. He's a HAIRDRESSER. I'm not throwing hairdressers under the bus, but I will throw ridiculous people under... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: HOLLY MONTAG IS UNNECESSARY»

The Hills: Even Osama Bin Laden Had A Mom Once

One of the main things that everyone has noticed and thought about in regards to reality television is WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Almost every single person who has ever participated on a reality TV show has acted in a way... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN HAD A MOM ONCE»

The Hills: In The Land Of The Clowns, Lauren Conrad Is Queen

This week's The Hills poses a very serious problem. Lauren goes on vacation to Italy (vacation from what, exactly?), at which point drama ensues! Can you believe all this drama that's ensuing while Lauren is in Italy? Except that all... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: IN THE LAND OF THE CLOWNS, LAUREN CONRAD IS QUEEN»

The Hills: Eyes On The Prize, America

Good news for people who hate The Hills, this show is on its last legs. I'm calling it right now. I'm not sure if they'll squeeze another season out after this one, or just let it quietly fade into so... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EYES ON THE PRIZE, AMERICA»

The Hills: We're Going To Need A Bigger Teapot For This Tempest

It's a sign of how hard The Hills is treading water, trying to stay relevant beneath the crushing weight of a celebrity gossip industry that de-mystifies any plot tension, which barely exists anyway due to sagging dramatic arcs, that this... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER TEAPOT FOR THIS TEMPEST»

Forget The Lattes, Hills Stars Can Afford To Own Their Own Starbucks Franchises

Blah blah blah, The Hills isn't real. Snooze me a river. At this point, we need to all take a page from Brody Jenner's book and CHILLAX. (I would ask that none of us take the other page from Brody... CONTINUE READING FORGET THE LATTES, HILLS STARS CAN AFFORD TO OWN THEIR OWN STARBUCKS FRANCHISES»

9 Predictions For Tonight's Season Premiere Of The Hills

Season 4 of The Hills begins tonight, reuniting us with LC, Heidi, Audrina, and the rest of Goof Troop. The show has been on hiatus for three months, which means almost anything could have happened and almost nothing will have... CONTINUE READING 9 PREDICTIONS FOR TONIGHT'S SEASON PREMIERE OF THE HILLS»

The Hills Season Finale: Who Will Be Written Into The Telenovela Of Life?

Last night's season finale of The Hills was really difficult to watch. I just can't willfully suspend my disbelief anymore. Let's take the Las Vegas scene for an example. Heidi is having a meeting with her bosses who have inexplicably... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS SEASON FINALE: WHO WILL BE WRITTEN INTO THE TELENOVELA OF LIFE?»

The Hills Is Going Rapidly Downhills

On last night's fake episode of The fake Hills, there was barely any Spencer magic. He told fake Stephanie that he was going to fake move out after she fake yelled at him in a fake mad voice about fake... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS IS GOING RAPIDLY DOWNHILLS»

Well, This Didn't Happen: The Spencer Pratt Show

If I were to ask you if you thought that Spencer Pratt hung out all the time in a coffee shop called Karma Coffehouse, that was completely empty, just sitting on a couch drinking a bottled water and texting on... CONTINUE READING WELL, THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN: THE SPENCER PRATT SHOW»

Posted on April 29, 2008 in Teen Soap Operas (1 comments)
Tags: Heidi Montag | Lauren Conrad | Spencer Pratt | Stephanie Pratt | The Hills