How To Make Your Own Wedding Rings, By Heidi And Spencer

Hi everyone, Heidi Montag here. Spencer wanted to be here today, but he was busy doing some stretching exercises so that he would one day be flexible enough to give himself blowjobs. ANYWAY, as you know, my lover, soulmate, and... CONTINUE READING HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN WEDDING RINGS, BY HEIDI AND SPENCER»

The Hills: How Many Pratts Does It Take To Fit In A Jail Cell?

If there is one thing in this world that I love without question it is grandmas. They're basically moms, who are great, but even better. Let's give it up for grandmas, everyone. Let them know. But on last night's episode... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: HOW MANY PRATTS DOES IT TAKE TO FIT IN A JAIL CELL?»

The Hills: Lauren Conrad Is A Total The C Word

Audrina was talking to her friend Dino and he totally told her that Lauren hooked up with Justin Bobby, but neither Lauren nor Justin will even talk to her about it, and they're both angry that she's even bringing it... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: LAUREN CONRAD IS A TOTAL THE C WORD»

Heidi And Spencer Got Married

According to your boyfriend, Perez Hilton, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have eloped to Mexico. Which is why we are suggesting Mexico be immediately sealed off and left to tear itself apart, Doomsday style. NO OFFENSE, MEXICO. Alternate: "we're going... CONTINUE READING HEIDI AND SPENCER GOT MARRIED»

Posted on November 24, 2008 in Celebrity Gossip!, Soap Operas (3 comments)
Tags: Cobra Starship | Heidi Montag | Spencer Pratt | The Hills | Wedding

The Hills: Still With The Heidi And The Job Thing

First of all, Audrina and Justin Bobby are finally getting serious. OMG, can you believe it? After all these yeazzzzzzzzzz. The thing is, Justin likes hanging out down on Venice Beach because it's so zenlike, but when he gets up... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: STILL WITH THE HEIDI AND THE JOB THING»

The Hills Continues To Pretend Heidi Montag Ever Had A Job To Begin With

This week's episode was mostly a big run up to Whitney Port's spin-off, The City. Kelly Cutrone was like "Whitney and Lauren, I need you to come to New York immediately and pretend like you are working so that we... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS CONTINUES TO PRETEND HEIDI MONTAG EVER HAD A JOB TO BEGIN WITH»

You Can Make It Up: Heidi And Spencer Confront A Nation Ecstatic Over Obama's Win

Heidi put on her trashiest outfit and Spencer combed his beard. Hand in hand, they went out to some children's hospital, or a Taco Bell, or whatever, to perform one of their usual staged photo ops for the paparazzi. But... CONTINUE READING YOU CAN MAKE IT UP: HEIDI AND SPENCER CONFRONT A NATION ECSTATIC OVER OBAMA'S WIN»

Posted on November 6, 2008 in You Can Make It Up (5 comments)
Tags: Barack Obama | Heidi Montag | Nine Inch Nails | Spencer Pratt | Yay!

Well, This Didn't Happen: The Hills

Wow. Even if we accept that The Hills is "curated reality" or whatever you call it when it's not reality at all but stars talentless people who portray slightly less boring but still very boring versions of their regular selves,... CONTINUE READING WELL, THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN: THE HILLS»

Posted on November 4, 2008 in Soap Operas (5 comments)
Tags: Heidi Montag | Spencer Pratt | The Hills

The Hills: Pre-Staged Love Will Tear Audrina Apart

This week, Audrina is still hung up on Justin Bobby some more, which actually kind of proves that this show is slightly more "real" than people have been giving it credit for lately. Because if it really was nothing but... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: PRE-STAGED LOVE WILL TEAR AUDRINA APART»

Duh Aficionado Magazine: Heidi And Spencer Are Idiots When It Comes To Politics

Just Jared has some CRAMAZING photos of Heidi and Spencer today. They did a staged photoshoot up in the Hollywood hills to let the world know their political beliefs, because they have political beliefs. The thing is, once you get... CONTINUE READING DUH AFICIONADO MAGAZINE: HEIDI AND SPENCER ARE IDIOTS WHEN IT COMES TO POLITICS»

The Hills: Brody Jenner Is Still Alive

It's Brody Jenner's birthday! Oh good. I'm so glad he didn't get run over by a dump truck this year. JUST KIDDING. I don't wish Brody Jenner, or anyone else any physical harm. I hope that everyone lives long and... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: BRODY JENNER IS STILL ALIVE»

The Hills: Holly Montag Is Unnecessary

I refuse to talk about Audrina's boy problems. As far as I'm concerned, Audrina should seal up her vagina with cement. Justin Bobby. He's a HAIRDRESSER. I'm not throwing hairdressers under the bus, but I will throw ridiculous people under... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: HOLLY MONTAG IS UNNECESSARY»

The Hills Is About To Jump The Weirdest Shark

On Saturday, October 18th, at 2PM, MTV is going to be broadcasting a parody of The Hills starring Derek Miller. If this is real, and most indications so far are that it is, this is really, really weird. BWE posted... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS IS ABOUT TO JUMP THE WEIRDEST SHARK»

The Hills: The Lauren And Heidi Feud Is The George W. Bush Of Feuds

Even if you pretend that the characters on The Hills are actual human beings, and that as such they inherently have some kind of value on this Earth (God didn't make no junk, SUPPOSEDLY), there is still the issue of... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: THE LAUREN AND HEIDI FEUD IS THE GEORGE W. BUSH OF FEUDS»

The Hills: Even Osama Bin Laden Had A Mom Once

One of the main things that everyone has noticed and thought about in regards to reality television is WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Almost every single person who has ever participated on a reality TV show has acted in a way... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN HAD A MOM ONCE»

The Hills: In The Land Of The Clowns, Lauren Conrad Is Queen

This week's The Hills poses a very serious problem. Lauren goes on vacation to Italy (vacation from what, exactly?), at which point drama ensues! Can you believe all this drama that's ensuing while Lauren is in Italy? Except that all... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: IN THE LAND OF THE CLOWNS, LAUREN CONRAD IS QUEEN»

Sick Kids Get Visits From Reality TV Jerks The Darndest Things

It would be in bad taste to make fun of Heidi and Spencer visiting sick children in a hospital. They're trying to do something nice. So we aren't going to say, like, "Oh my God, why are they trying to... CONTINUE READING SICK KIDS GET VISITS FROM REALITY TV JERKS THE DARNDEST THINGS»

The Hills: Eyes On The Prize, America

Good news for people who hate The Hills, this show is on its last legs. I'm calling it right now. I'm not sure if they'll squeeze another season out after this one, or just let it quietly fade into so... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EYES ON THE PRIZE, AMERICA»

You Can Make It Up: Lauren Conrad's YA Novel

Laura Goes To Hollywood: An Inspirational Story For Young Women by Lauren Conrad CHAPTER ONE: LAURA BONRAD'S JOURNEY Laura Bonrad get in her Mercedes. She kiss her mom goodbye on the cheek. "Goodbye, mama," she say. "I have to go... CONTINUE READING YOU CAN MAKE IT UP: LAUREN CONRAD'S YA NOVEL»

The Hills: The Black Tears Of A Miserable Clown

Two episodes of Hills in one week? That is so much Hills! You know that feeling you get when you drink too many no-fat soy lattes with sugar-free pomegranate syrup and your hands start to shake? This is like that,... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: THE BLACK TEARS OF A MISERABLE CLOWN»

The Hills: It's Frankie's Party, And Everyone Will Cry If They're Told To By Producers

It's Frankie's birthday and we're going to Vegasssssss! Just one quick question, though: WHO'S FRANKIE? Frankie, of course, is Brody Jenner's friend, who somehow lacks the charisma to make it onto this show as a regular cast member. He's been... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: IT'S FRANKIE'S PARTY, AND EVERYONE WILL CRY IF THEY'RE TOLD TO BY PRODUCERS»

The Hills: Killing One Doug With One Stone

Between this and Gossip Girl, there is now an 80 percent chance that my life will end on a Monday night. Anyway, we're only two episodes into the season, and already Lauren wants to break up with Doug. Did I... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: KILLING ONE DOUG WITH ONE STONE»

The Hills: We're Going To Need A Bigger Teapot For This Tempest

It's a sign of how hard The Hills is treading water, trying to stay relevant beneath the crushing weight of a celebrity gossip industry that de-mystifies any plot tension, which barely exists anyway due to sagging dramatic arcs, that this... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER TEAPOT FOR THIS TEMPEST»

Forget The Lattes, Hills Stars Can Afford To Own Their Own Starbucks Franchises

Blah blah blah, The Hills isn't real. Snooze me a river. At this point, we need to all take a page from Brody Jenner's book and CHILLAX. (I would ask that none of us take the other page from Brody... CONTINUE READING FORGET THE LATTES, HILLS STARS CAN AFFORD TO OWN THEIR OWN STARBUCKS FRANCHISES»

Human Giant + Heidi And Spencer = Noooooooo

This picture, which was obviously taken last night because of Heidi's dress (kill me, please), had better be extremely ironic. This is not going to be a thing: Hey, whatever Human Giant guys, I guess if I saw Heidi and... CONTINUE READING HUMAN GIANT + HEIDI AND SPENCER = NOOOOOOOO»