The Vampire Thing Needs To End Right Now

The above image (via GetThaL@@k) is a vampire sex toy into which you are supposed to put your penis (I think? I have no idea, mom, I'm just kidding.) It is also the headstone on the grave of the... CONTINUE READING THE VAMPIRE THING NEEDS TO END RIGHT NOW»

NSFW: Marge Simpson In Playboy Magazine

Here are some scans of Marge Simpson "naked" in Playboy magazine, you weirdo perverts. Seriously, this is such a weird thing that exists. 2009, everybody.... CONTINUE READING NSFW: MARGE SIMPSON IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE»

Posted on October 19, 2009 in NSFW (36 comments)
Tags: Marge Simpson | Nudity | Playboy | Sex | The Simpsons

Oprah Caught Up In Another Hilarious Lawsuit Involving Improbable Scenarios

I know that the philosopher Christopher George Latore Wallace once wrote, "mo money, mo problems," but I think that he got it wrong. It's more like, "mo money, mo ridiculous lawsuits that really sound insane when you write them out."... CONTINUE READING OPRAH CAUGHT UP IN ANOTHER HILARIOUS LAWSUIT INVOLVING IMPROBABLE SCENARIOS»

Posted on October 12, 2009 in Justice (22 comments)
Tags: Airplanes | Lawyers | Oprah | Sex

NSFW: Woof, A Porno Based On Dexter

At this point, it's only weird if there ISN'T a porno based on your favorite TV show. 30 Rock? Yes. Seinfeld? Yes. Cosby Show? Yes. The world is still waiting on a Breaking Bad porno, and a The Wire porno,... CONTINUE READING NSFW: WOOF, A PORNO BASED ON DEXTER»

David Letterman Is Sorry That He Fucked That Lady, You Guys

Sorry, I know this is already OLD NEWS in Internet Time, but I am on California Time, also known as Fresh Squeezed Grapefruit Juice Time. BREAKING: it's delicious! Anyway, Dave spent most of his show last night referencing the whole... CONTINUE READING DAVID LETTERMAN IS SORRY THAT HE FUCKED THAT LADY, YOU GUYS»

Posted on October 6, 2009 in Awkward Live TV, Late Night (29 comments)
Tags: Apologies | David Letterman | Scandal | Sex | The Late Show

Operation Watch This: "In Lust" By Eric Wareheim

Hah. Well, certainly much less barfy than this week's previous Eric Wareheim video for Depeche Mode's "Hole To Feed." But does anyone else get the impression that maybe Eric Wareheim is obsessed with and/or has a weird relationship to... CONTINUE READING OPERATION WATCH THIS: "IN LUST" BY ERIC WAREHEIM»

Posted on October 2, 2009 in Operation Watch This (15 comments)
Tags: Dancing | Eric Wareheim | Hollywood | Sex

David Letterman Gets In On That Sweet "Free Roman Polanski" Action

David Letterman spent 10 minutes on his show last night explaining in detail (sort of) an extortion threat made against him to expose a series of inter-office sexual affairs. And so naturally someone has uploaded a Zapruder Film of the... CONTINUE READING DAVID LETTERMAN GETS IN ON THAT SWEET "FREE ROMAN POLANSKI" ACTION»

Posted on October 2, 2009 in Awkward Live TV, Late Night (34 comments)
Tags: Blackmail | David Letterman | Sex | The Late Show

There Is Almost Certainly No Jimmy Kimmel And Sarah Silverman Sex Tape

Some Canadian gossip website is spreading the rumor that there is a sex tape featuring Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Having sex. With each other. Well, there probably isn't one. Those are supposed to be screengrabs from the video?... CONTINUE READING THERE IS ALMOST CERTAINLY NO JIMMY KIMMEL AND SARAH SILVERMAN SEX TAPE»

Brett Ratner Claims He Had Sex With A Paraplegic

Well, so many of you have sent this in as a tip, that clearly it is your favorite thing. Brett "My Name Is Synonymous With Talent" Ratner claims that his short-film contribution to New York, I Love You in which... CONTINUE READING BRETT RATNER CLAIMS HE HAD SEX WITH A PARAPLEGIC»

Posted on September 29, 2009 in Where Were They Then? (15 comments)
Tags: Brett Ratner | New York, I Love You | Sex

The 56-Year-Old Virgin Or: Debate Team Pro-Tips

Let us be very clear on what is hilarious about this, because it is not this woman's uneventful sexual history. There is nothing funny about people not having sex, unless those people are Vince Vaughan and Malin Ackerman in... CONTINUE READING THE 56-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN OR: DEBATE TEAM PRO-TIPS»

Posted on September 22, 2009 in Caught On Tape (40 comments)
Tags: Sex

NSFW: Ghostface Killah "Stapleton Sex"

Whoa. Ghostface Killah is one of the best rappers in the game, yes, we know that, but now he is also one of the best amateur porno makers in the game as well. After the jump, a genuinely NSFW in... CONTINUE READING NSFW: GHOSTFACE KILLAH "STAPLETON SEX" »

Posted on September 15, 2009 in Music Related Content, NSFW (36 comments)
Tags: Ghostface Killah | Sex

That's Your California Assemblyman: Michael Duvall

YIKES! Didn't he learn the lessons of Naked Gun? I mean, I guess there is some difference between going into the bathroom with a live mic on and making hilariously long and outrageous bathroom sounds at a press conference... CONTINUE READING THAT'S YOUR CALIFORNIA ASSEMBLYMAN: MICHAEL DUVALL»

Posted on September 9, 2009 in Politics (27 comments)
Tags: California | Michael Duvall | Sex

Operation Watch This: Ashton Kutcher Erotic Fan Fiction

"7th grader Melissa Bell gives a tender account of meeting Ashton Kutcher at a school dance." Self-insertion slash fiction is always best when it is written by children.... CONTINUE READING OPERATION WATCH THIS: ASHTON KUTCHER EROTIC FAN FICTION»

Posted on August 31, 2009 in Cute As Balls, Fan Art (16 comments)
Tags: Ashton Kutcher | Children | Sex

How To Get A Marky Mark Body

PAH! Clips from the Marky Mark exercise video have been around for awhile, but Rich FourFour's new edit is the one that really gets the blood flowing. Now you are ready to hang out by the pool! PAH*! *A Glossary... CONTINUE READING HOW TO GET A MARKY MARK BODY»

NSFW: Right, Yes, A Twilight Dildo, Of Course

A company called Tantus has made a dildo for Twilight enthusiasts (a dildo for children, basically?). It is called The Vamp. Of course, they can't say that it is a Twilight-themed dildo because of FASCIST COPYRIGHT LAWS. So they have... CONTINUE READING NSFW: RIGHT, YES, A TWILIGHT DILDO, OF COURSE»

R. Kelly Made Keri Hilson A Chocohollic

"Number One" video, you guys (SPOILER ALERT: R. Kelly likes sex): I have no idea why R. Kelly isn't in jail. And I'm not talking about the make believe Haha Jail where we put the world's Paltrows and the Heigls.... CONTINUE READING R. KELLY MADE KERI HILSON A CHOCOHOLLIC»

Posted on August 18, 2009 in Music Related Content (24 comments)
Tags: Jail | Keri Hilson | R. Kelly | Sex

Operation Watch This: Eric Wareheim's Video For Major Lazer's "Pon De Floor"

Well, this is bonkers. (Also kind of NSFW.) That looks like a fun house to live in. How much do you think rent is in a house like that? 100 Dragon Wish Peanuts per Tree Feeling? More? Get your medicine... CONTINUE READING OPERATION WATCH THIS: ERIC WAREHEIM'S VIDEO FOR MAJOR LAZER'S "PON DE FLOOR"»

Posted on August 4, 2009 in Music Related Content (59 comments)
Tags: Bonkers | Dancing | Eric Wareheim | Major Lazer | Sex

Shakira Is The Hot, Colombian Elaine Benes

New Shakira video, you guys. "She Wolf": I used to think that Shakira was anthropomorphic vagina dentata. Especially in that one video where she was covered in motor oil and thrashing around like some kind of Latina Cloverfield. "We have... CONTINUE READING SHAKIRA IS THE HOT, COLOMBIAN ELAINE BENES»

Posted on July 31, 2009 in Music Related Content (73 comments)
Tags: Sex | Shakira | Werewolves

What We Nightmare About When We Nightmare About Love

In some ways, he's right, though. This is kind of what an adult kiss is like. I've said too much. (Thanks for the tip, Edith.)... CONTINUE READING WHAT WE NIGHTMARE ABOUT WHEN WE NIGHTMARE ABOUT LOVE»

Posted on July 30, 2009 in Cartoons (27 comments)
Tags: Japan | Monsters | Sex

What Is That Squirrel Doing To That Yogurt?!

Oh jeez. SHUT IT DOWN. ALL OF IT.... CONTINUE READING WHAT IS THAT SQUIRREL DOING TO THAT YOGURT?!»

Posted on July 15, 2009 in WebJunk (7 comments)
Tags: Sex | Squirrels | Two Girls One Cup | Yogurt | Yuck

This Is A Video Of A Monkey Making Out With A Cat

This is a video of a monkey making out with a cat. So if you don't want to see a monkey making out with a cat, then don't watch this video. Or if you think, "surely he is kidding and... CONTINUE READING THIS IS A VIDEO OF A MONKEY MAKING OUT WITH A CAT»

Posted on July 9, 2009 in Cute As Balls (26 comments)
Tags: Cats | Monkeys | Sex | Zoo

NSFW: Kevin Smith, An Adult, Tweets About His Wife's Taint

The filmmaker, Kevin Smith, took to his Twitter an hour ago (as if there would ever be an appropriate time for this) with an important update: YIIIIIIIIKES. Obviously we should all be so lucky to still have an exciting and... CONTINUE READING NSFW: KEVIN SMITH, AN ADULT, TWEETS ABOUT HIS WIFE'S TAINT»

Posted on July 9, 2009 in NSFW, WebJunk (50 comments)
Tags: Burn The Internet To The Ground | Kevin Smith | Sex | Twitter

I Fucked Screech

Well, not me, this lady fucked Screech. "The pillow talk consisted of 45 minutes of Diamond telling me about Adult Swim cartoons." Yuck, but believable. ... CONTINUE READING I FUCKED SCREECH»

Posted on July 8, 2009 in NSFW (12 comments)
Tags: Dustin Diamond | Saved By The Bell | Screech | Sex

Ted Danson Was The Original Pick-Up Artist

Ted Danson! You're giving away all of our secrets! What a traitor! President Mystery, throw him in Guy Jail! What is that book he's reading from, anyway? The Big Book Of Boringest Things You Can Think of to Say... CONTINUE READING TED DANSON WAS THE ORIGINAL PICK-UP ARTIST»

Posted on June 29, 2009 in Where Were They Then? (16 comments)
Tags: Sex | Ted Danson | The Pick Up Artist

Um, What's Up With All These Male Hookers All Over The Place?

Ashton Kutcher's Spread trailer, you guys: Whoa. After seeing the Spread poster I thought that the movie looked awful, but it turns out I had no idea. What an awful, AWFUL looking movie. Yuck. And, the official description of the... CONTINUE READING UM, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE MALE HOOKERS ALL OVER THE PLACE?»