The Hills: Brody Jenner Is Still Alive

It's Brody Jenner's birthday! Oh good. I'm so glad he didn't get run over by a dump truck this year. JUST KIDDING. I don't wish Brody Jenner, or anyone else any physical harm. I hope that everyone lives long and... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: BRODY JENNER IS STILL ALIVE»

The Hills: Holly Montag Is Unnecessary

I refuse to talk about Audrina's boy problems. As far as I'm concerned, Audrina should seal up her vagina with cement. Justin Bobby. He's a HAIRDRESSER. I'm not throwing hairdressers under the bus, but I will throw ridiculous people under... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: HOLLY MONTAG IS UNNECESSARY»

The Hills Is About To Jump The Weirdest Shark

On Saturday, October 18th, at 2PM, MTV is going to be broadcasting a parody of The Hills starring Derek Miller. If this is real, and most indications so far are that it is, this is really, really weird. BWE posted... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS IS ABOUT TO JUMP THE WEIRDEST SHARK»

The Hills: The Lauren And Heidi Feud Is The George W. Bush Of Feuds

Even if you pretend that the characters on The Hills are actual human beings, and that as such they inherently have some kind of value on this Earth (God didn't make no junk, SUPPOSEDLY), there is still the issue of... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: THE LAUREN AND HEIDI FEUD IS THE GEORGE W. BUSH OF FEUDS»

The Hills: Even Osama Bin Laden Had A Mom Once

One of the main things that everyone has noticed and thought about in regards to reality television is WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Almost every single person who has ever participated on a reality TV show has acted in a way... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN HAD A MOM ONCE»

The Hills: In The Land Of The Clowns, Lauren Conrad Is Queen

This week's The Hills poses a very serious problem. Lauren goes on vacation to Italy (vacation from what, exactly?), at which point drama ensues! Can you believe all this drama that's ensuing while Lauren is in Italy? Except that all... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: IN THE LAND OF THE CLOWNS, LAUREN CONRAD IS QUEEN»

The Hills: Eyes On The Prize, America

Good news for people who hate The Hills, this show is on its last legs. I'm calling it right now. I'm not sure if they'll squeeze another season out after this one, or just let it quietly fade into so... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EYES ON THE PRIZE, AMERICA»

You Can Make It Up: Lauren Conrad's YA Novel

Laura Goes To Hollywood: An Inspirational Story For Young Women by Lauren Conrad CHAPTER ONE: LAURA BONRAD'S JOURNEY Laura Bonrad get in her Mercedes. She kiss her mom goodbye on the cheek. "Goodbye, mama," she say. "I have to go... CONTINUE READING YOU CAN MAKE IT UP: LAUREN CONRAD'S YA NOVEL»

She Talk Pretty One Day

People magazine reports that Lauren Conrad has signed a three-book deal with HarperCollins. Whoops, HarperCollins, that's your author. The books - the first of which is scheduled to hit shelves in the summer of 2009 - will be loosely inspired... CONTINUE READING SHE TALK PRETTY ONE DAY»

Posted on September 11, 2008 in What America Wants (2 comments)
Tags: Books | Common | Lauren Conrad | The Hills

The Hills: The Black Tears Of A Miserable Clown

Two episodes of Hills in one week? That is so much Hills! You know that feeling you get when you drink too many no-fat soy lattes with sugar-free pomegranate syrup and your hands start to shake? This is like that,... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: THE BLACK TEARS OF A MISERABLE CLOWN»

The Hills: It's Frankie's Party, And Everyone Will Cry If They're Told To By Producers

It's Frankie's birthday and we're going to Vegasssssss! Just one quick question, though: WHO'S FRANKIE? Frankie, of course, is Brody Jenner's friend, who somehow lacks the charisma to make it onto this show as a regular cast member. He's been... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: IT'S FRANKIE'S PARTY, AND EVERYONE WILL CRY IF THEY'RE TOLD TO BY PRODUCERS»

The Hills: Killing One Doug With One Stone

Between this and Gossip Girl, there is now an 80 percent chance that my life will end on a Monday night. Anyway, we're only two episodes into the season, and already Lauren wants to break up with Doug. Did I... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: KILLING ONE DOUG WITH ONE STONE»

The Hills: We're Going To Need A Bigger Teapot For This Tempest

It's a sign of how hard The Hills is treading water, trying to stay relevant beneath the crushing weight of a celebrity gossip industry that de-mystifies any plot tension, which barely exists anyway due to sagging dramatic arcs, that this... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER TEAPOT FOR THIS TEMPEST»

Forget The Lattes, Hills Stars Can Afford To Own Their Own Starbucks Franchises

Blah blah blah, The Hills isn't real. Snooze me a river. At this point, we need to all take a page from Brody Jenner's book and CHILLAX. (I would ask that none of us take the other page from Brody... CONTINUE READING FORGET THE LATTES, HILLS STARS CAN AFFORD TO OWN THEIR OWN STARBUCKS FRANCHISES»

The Hills: Here We Go Again

So, we pick up where we left off, which isn't saying a lot because REAL TALK, The Hills has been treading water since season 2. Heidi and Lauren suffering a venomous rupture of their friendship is drama. Heidi and Lauren... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: HERE WE GO AGAIN»

9 Predictions For Tonight's Season Premiere Of The Hills

Season 4 of The Hills begins tonight, reuniting us with LC, Heidi, Audrina, and the rest of Goof Troop. The show has been on hiatus for three months, which means almost anything could have happened and almost nothing will have... CONTINUE READING 9 PREDICTIONS FOR TONIGHT'S SEASON PREMIERE OF THE HILLS»

Exclusive: A Look At The Hills "Scheduled Reality" Production Calendar

This week's Entertainment Weekly features a cover story on The Hills, featuring a sneak preview of season 4 (SPOILER ALERT, it's the barfiest season yet!), and behind the scenes looks at stuff like Lauren's awkward barbecue with her ex-boyfriend Doug... CONTINUE READING EXCLUSIVE: A LOOK AT THE HILLS "SCHEDULED REALITY" PRODUCTION CALENDAR»

Choosing Your New Lower Back Tattoo Based On The Next Season Of The Hills

Here's a new preview of The Hills, you guys. It's got tons of great ideas for your ink. (Gross. Everyone who actually says "ink" like that in real life should get a tattoo of prison bars on their face.) Here... CONTINUE READING CHOOSING YOUR NEW LOWER BACK TATTOO BASED ON THE NEXT SEASON OF THE HILLS»

Posted on July 22, 2008 in Soap Operas (4 comments)
Tags: Audrina Patridge | Heidi Montag | Lauren Conrad | Spencer Pratt | The Hills

The Hills Is A Lot Of Fun, I Hope It Doesn't Die

Whoops, I totally forgot. In my Hills recap today I gave a prediction of what would happen to the cast members as they got older. LC is clearly on the downward path to becoming a bitter Margo Channing just as... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS IS A LOT OF FUN, I HOPE IT DOESN'T DIE»

The Hills Season Finale: Who Will Be Written Into The Telenovela Of Life?

Last night's season finale of The Hills was really difficult to watch. I just can't willfully suspend my disbelief anymore. Let's take the Las Vegas scene for an example. Heidi is having a meeting with her bosses who have inexplicably... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS SEASON FINALE: WHO WILL BE WRITTEN INTO THE TELENOVELA OF LIFE?»

The Hills: Even Gollum Was Once Smeagol

Here is a clip from the season finale of The Hills. SPOILER ALERT you're welcome. Did they shoot this on a Walkman? You can always tell when it's getting "real" on this show because it suddenly stops looking like a... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS: EVEN GOLLUM WAS ONCE SMEAGOL»

The Hills Is Going Rapidly Downhills

On last night's fake episode of The fake Hills, there was barely any Spencer magic. He told fake Stephanie that he was going to fake move out after she fake yelled at him in a fake mad voice about fake... CONTINUE READING THE HILLS IS GOING RAPIDLY DOWNHILLS»

The World Works On Haters Now

The four girls from The Hills (Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, and Whitney) are on the cover of the new Rolling Stone. There's an excerpt from the accompanying article on-line, which gives you the dirt on ... the photo-shoot for the cover.... CONTINUE READING THE WORLD WORKS ON HATERS NOW»

Well, This Didn't Happen: The Spencer Pratt Show

If I were to ask you if you thought that Spencer Pratt hung out all the time in a coffee shop called Karma Coffehouse, that was completely empty, just sitting on a couch drinking a bottled water and texting on... CONTINUE READING WELL, THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN: THE SPENCER PRATT SHOW»

Posted on April 29, 2008 in Teen Soap Operas (1 comments)
Tags: Heidi Montag | Lauren Conrad | Spencer Pratt | Stephanie Pratt | The Hills

The Spencer Pratt Show Barely Manages To Squeak In Some Spencer Pratt

Hate him or hate him, Spencer Pratt is the only reason The Hills is still on the air. Everyone else is treading water. Do we really care whether Lauren and Lo move into a house together? WTF? Unless Lauren gets... CONTINUE READING THE SPENCER PRATT SHOW BARELY MANAGES TO SQUEAK IN SOME SPENCER PRATT»

Posted on April 22, 2008 in Hate-Watching, Reality TV (0 comments)
Tags: Audrina Patridge | Heidi Montag | Lauren Conrad | Spencer Pratt | The Hills