Grab your tinfoil hats! Grab your sunscreen even if it’s cloudy, both because you can get sunburned when it’s cloudy and because you never know when the sun is going to come out or for how long we’re going to be on the run! Grab the latest issue of the New Yorker along with the last one because I don’t think you read all of that one yet! Grab some snacks but don’t go crazy with it! Grab your face soap and your moisturizer and your coverup and your mascara and your blush, BUT LEAVE THE REST BEHIND BECAUSE WE’RE UNDER ATTACK AND MUST GTFOOOOOOOOOOO!

As if we needed more evidence that our planet has been invaded with space beings and will soon be under attack, footage has just come in from a wedding in India where space beings were so bold as to just legit roll up IN THEIR UFO, Y’ALL. From YouTube:

There is always a special celebration for marriage, even innovative too. Here is a marriage occation where the Bride and Groom came on the venue of marrigage on UFO from sky at Porbadar city, India

Bride and Groom, or SPACE ALIEN BRIDE AND SPACE ALIEN GROOM?!

(Headphones up!)

That night the shadow could hardly get any sleep. “If my human doesn’t love me, who will? Who would ever love such an ugly ass bitch of a shadow?” Shadow tears formed on the sheets. Free of its solid form until morning, it got up and paced around the bedroom. It couldn’t change the way light hit its human — it had no control over its contours, so what could it do? Resigning to the idea that it was stuck in its ugly fate, but refusing to accept that it needed to stick to a woman who made it feel so bad about itself, the shadow packed its shadow bags and hit the road, growing fainter and fainter. “I don’t need this. I’m a perfectly fine shadow, no matter what I look like.” But the shadow didn’t understand that it needed its human. Of course, a shadow is only a shadow when the form to which it is attached blocks the light. As it hit the front door, reaching for the doorknob, it disappeared into the sun. “NOOOooooooo,” the shadow cried, realizing its error. It’s someplace better now, we hope. Though who knows. (Via UniqueDaily.)

Whew, what a stressful past few days. Going to Scottsdale, AZ to relax. Anyone know of a bakery or bistro where I can chill out?

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 14, 2013

American actor and comedian Patton Oswalt is here making a veiled reference to a Scottsdale, Arizona restaurant called Amy’s Baking Company, which has become the Internet “thing” du jour. (Du jour is French for REDDIT.) Basically, a couple named Sammy and Amy own and operate a cake, hamburger, ravioli, pizza, and croissant restaurant in a strip mall in Scottsdale, Arizona that was featured on a recent episode of Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. It is the first time in the show’s history where Gordon Ramsay found a restaurant’s owners to be so impossible to deal with that he walked away from the episode without making any changes or “helping” in any way. You can watch the second half of the episode here and I highly recommend it. It’s pretty powerful stuff. Highlights include the owners stealing the waitstaff’s tips, Amy firing a waitress, Sammy claiming that he is a gangster who is going to rough Ramsay up, and just, like, so much screaming and bugging out of the eyes and a pathologically violent reaction to the very HINT of anything resembling criticism. These guys seem great, like a very strong couple with very good heads firmly on their shoulders. (At the end of the clip, and seriously, do watch the clip, Ramsay says that he has to do the right thing and that he’s about to do something that he’s never done before, and all I can imagine is him setting the restaurant on fire with Sammy and Amy still inside.) ANYWAYS, that alone would be kind of fun, a good old clip, but it gets much better. Because in the past 24 hours, Sammy and Amy have taken to the restaurant’s Facebook page to defend themselves, which naturally drew the attention of Reddit, which only made things worse. Now it’s a whole thing. Lots of ALL CAPS and claiming that they are going to have the entire Internet arrested because God is on their side, etc. Enjoy it. This is what we’re all here for in the first place, right? So for this week’s caption contest, let’s have some real fun: write a Yelp review for Amy’s Baking Company and Pizzeria! (Don’t write an actual Yelp review unless you have been to the actual restaurant. We are not LIARS. Write a pretend one in the comments.)

Winner will receive Special Placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball but even if you do not win, you will at least not have to be Sammy and Amy, which seems like a very sad and difficult thing to have to be!

• Haha, this Hunger Games: Catching Fire poster is very good. Who knew the franchise had so much more art to give? -/Film
• New Girl‘s season finale is on tonight! To pre-celebrate, why not read AV Club’s fourth installment of the showrunners’ run-through of the second season? -AVClub
• I like this very much — “A Great Gatsby Book Report by a Kid Who Only Saw the Movie.” -Jezebel
• Jaden Smith, at the age of 15, is asking to be emancipated from his family so he can live alone, which is the PERFECT IDEA FOR ANOTHER WILL AND JADEN MOVIE! “Kid gets everything he wants…or does he?” -Dlisted
• Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to star — not in the titular role, but another lead role — in an upcoming remake of The Toxic Avenger. Whaaaaat…? -FilmDrunk
• The fourth season of Downton Abbey has set a premiere date. -TVLine

Tae Kwon Do Teacher: Hey guys, could you stay after class for a minute? I’d love to talk to you about a new project I’m self-financing.
Mike: You got it, Sensei.
Chris: What’s up, Sensei?
Brian: Whatever it is, Sensei, I’m in.
Kevin: I sure hope it’s a low budget martial arts movie loosely based on the Saw franchise, Sensei!

NO WIRES. NO CGI. NO GOOD. (Thanks for the tip, Todd.)

My expectations were fairly low when I went to see The Great Gatsby (in 3D) (duh) last night. I had heard from a few people that it was especially bad and, even aside from that, the fact that it was about two and a half hours long did NOT make me think it would be an enjoyable experience. THAT IS TOO LONG FOR A MOVIE! (Movies ideally should be limited to 1.7 hours long, and that is including a blooper reel.) But I didn’t think The Great Gatsby was the absolute worst after all! There were definitely a lot of problems with it, though. The meanings behind different elements of the story were explained so clearly and plainly and repeatedly that you want to shout, hoping Baz Luhrmann is out there somewhere, standing in a window, listening, that we DEFINITELY get the thing with the house, and the green light, and the Eckleburg billboard, and the everything else, and please for the love of god stop it already and trust us and TAKE A CHILL PILL. And I haven’t read the book since high school, so maybe I’m forgetting, but I don’t think it had nearly as many ADR-related errors. Like — you’d think when your main goal in producing a film version of The Great Gatsby is visual-based, adding as many sparkles and cheesy camera sweeps over lavish party scenes and shots of Daisy’s face in the sky as you can, you’d also make it so that when people spoke, the sounds they made looked like they were coming out of their mouths? Spend a few more days on that, maybe? Also the frame story was unnecessary and often only a source of eye-rolling and inappropriate movie theater laughter. (The same goes for the sporadic use of words floating across the screen.) BUT. Leonardo DiCaprio was a fine Gatsby! Carey Mulligan was a beautiful Daisy! Tobey Maguire was, ahh, in the movie! Hahah. Not my choice for a Nick Carraway, I don’t think, but certainly fine enough. Joel Edgerton and Elizabeth Debicki were both wonderful! The soundtrack even worked better than I had expected initially (though that old-timey version of “Crazy In Love” is STILL a hilarious nightmare). Though it had its more-than-fair share of problems, it was fairly enjoyable, fun, beautiful, and still, basically, The Great Gatsby. Did you see it? What did you think? Did you get the thing with the eyes, or no?

I sort of casually mentioned this yesterday in a post, so I apologize for repeating myself, but also I just canNOT get over the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a $950 shot glass on her lifestyles website. A $950 shot glass! There are other products available in this collection, including a $600 jigger in the shape of a watering can, and $500 stirrers in the shape of golf clubs, and $400 ice tongs, OH AND ALSO $4500 glass decanters. Look, I know that there are a lot of extravagant ways for wealthy people to spend their insane amounts of money in this world, it’s just that so often they have the decency to keep that shit to themselves. I saw this interview with Gwyneth this morning (where she said that she was “literally a transvestite” at the Met Gala, which I don’t think is true? Not literally) where she explained that she knows that people have a lot of issues with her and that they think she “has too much” but that her life hasn’t been perfect and that she has “suffered so much.” Sure. The thing, once more, that she completely fails to even come close to recognizing much less acknowledging is that the way life works is that EVERYONE “suffers so much.” Whatever she is talking about, whether it’s the death of her father or the troubles in her marriage or maybe some hardship she overcame that she has somehow managed to not mention in an interview although I find that hard to believe since she is an open, poorly-written book, is just Standard Baseline Life Stuff. We all get dealt those cards, they’re unavoidable. We just don’t also the get the movie star, millionaire cards as well. She wants to be a martyr because her life isn’t JUST $950 shot glasses, it’s also the occasional argument. But OK, so she is confused about how life works and that is fine. Lots of people are. But, you know, most of the people who are confused about how life works don’t operate websites ABOUT HOW LIFE SHOULD BE LIVED. That’s kind of the rub right there. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go look up “broken record syndrome” on WebMD.