“Do you come here often?” asked the robot to its owner, Robert. Robert had programmed the robot to ask him if he came here often every time he approached his bar even though it was in his home and he for sure came there often, like every night. “You’re the bartender, wouldn’t you know?” They always played this game. “I’m new here,” the robot responded, “but I guess from your answer we can conclude that neither of us come here very often. Or at least have come here often yet.” What? It wasn’t flirty, though I can see how you might think it was supposed to be flirty. It was strictly platonic between the robot and its owner. “What do you do?” the robot was programmed to ask next. “I am a lawyer. I work a lot so I don’t have a lot of time to keep up personal relationships. It gets a little lonely.” “Oh, that’s too bad,” replied the robot, as it replies every night. “I know. Ah, I can’t really complain though. Enough about me. What do you do outside of the bar? Any hopes and dreams?” “I am an artist,” one of the robot’s programmed responses, “A sculpter. I guess that’s why I chose mix-mix-mix-mix-mix–” Uh-oh, there was something wrong with the robot! Robert, the human in the story, perhaps a poorly chosen name now that the author thinks about it, as it is very close to robot, or maybe it was intentional?!, tried to tap the robot on the arm. Sometimes that worked. “Mix-mix-mix-mix-mix” the robot continued. “Mix-mix-mix.” “GOD DAMNIT” shouted Robert.
Thank God. I’m so sick of people doing regular parkour. WHERE IS THE ZOMBIE MAKEUP?! For goodness sake, if you’re going to do back flips off of a garbage dump into a front roll down a broken escalator, PUT ON SOME ZOMBIE MAKEUP FIRST. Is that too much to ask? Am I the one who is demanding too much? This is America in 2013, we have earned it! Mostly I am just excited for how there is DEFINITELY going to be a zombie movie featuring parkour now. Very cool. Cannot wait. I’m already in line at Showcase Cinemas. Maybe when the movie is over we can sneak into the theater down the hall where they are showing that base-jumping vampire movie? Let’s see how we feel.
Brad Pitt is the subject of the cover article of Esquire this month, talking about whatever it is that Brad Pitt talks about. I’m literally not sure. I could read the whole thing and at the end I would just be like, uh, he’s Brad Pitt? I heard him on Fresh Air one time and after 45 minutes of answering Terry Gross’s questions, the only thing I remember him saying is that he doesn’t like to talk about himself because he’s from the midwest. Haha. OK! Anyways, it’s hard out there for a shrimp, but it’s even harder out there for a Brad Pitt!
“So many people hate me because they think I’m disrespecting them,” he says. “So I swear to God, I took one year where I just said, This year, I’m just going to cop to it and say to people, ‘Okay, where did we meet?’ But it just got worse. People were more offended. Every now and then, someone will give me context, and I’ll say, ‘Thank you for helping me.’ But I piss more people off. You get this thing, like, ‘You’re being egotistical. You’re being conceited.’ But it’s a mystery to me, man. I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view. I am going to get it tested.” It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even like going out — “that’s why I stay at home” — but he’s also a public person, the center of crowds. “You meet so many damned people,” he says. “And then you meet ‘em again.”
You meet so many damned people, and then you meet ‘em again. HAS THERE BEEN A MORE CRYSTALLIZED TRUTH?!
It’s weird that Brad Pitt has such a hard time remembering faces since he comes from a design/aesthetic point of view. CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE THAT HE IS NOT WELL?! He’s sick! Seriously, though, who are these people getting so mad at Brad Pitt?
“Ugh, how will we ever get people to buy this stupid cheesy food disc?” The most important businessmen at Dominos Pizza sat around a pizza-shaped table (round shape) and cursed their fate. They had been left this failing business (Dominos) after their dad (Mr. Dominos) gave up the company and moved to a beach somewhere, never having figured out how to properly market his invention (pizza). “Why did we tell dad we would take over the family business?” one of the businessmen asked the other, “That was so stupid of us! I don’t want to deal with this stupid invention that nobody wants!” “Because that’s what family does,” answered the more family-oriented businessman, “We stick together and we help each other. Plus, I believe in pizza. I think it can work, we just need to figure out how to market it.” He was like Peter Krause on Parenthood, if you can picture that. So the businessmen thought and thought and thought. “What if we can link the pizza to something else people like? Something round shaped?” one of them suggested. “Oh, like this table” answered the worst businessman. “Kind of, but, no, like…what about a record?” The problem with that suggestion, they figured out soon, was that few people listened to records anymore and they didn’t want to associate themselves with the small market that did. (Fair.) “Well…what about DVDs?” “What?” What about DVDs? What was this guy talking about? “You know, DVDs. And we can make it smell like pizza after the people watch it? And also look like pizza.” Ooohhhhhh. “THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA,” the rest of the businessmen shouted at once. And that is why we all eat pizza today. The End.
The website Starcrush, whatever that is, has an exhaustive compendium of side-by-side photographs of 1990s teen heartthrobs in their “prime,” and what they look like today. Interestingly enough, all of the pictures are shot on the set of TV shows, or at red carpet premieres. Like, there isn’t a picture of Rider Strong on the set of Boy Meets World next to a picture of Rider Strong behind his desk at the local Coldwell Banker. These types of celebrity age-tracking things are always kind of weird, because it’s very difficult to decide what, exactly, is the point: are you supposed to feel bad for them because they are mildly less famous adults now? But who would want to be a child celebrity, that seems like the absolute worst? Would you hit it? If anything, this particular collection just goes to show you that while your life will continue to develop and change in ways you might not expect or prepare for, ultimately you should just keep at it, because you’ll probably be just fine. Look at JTT up there. Looking good, my man! Shoot for the moon and you might just land on a fake wine bar set. #YOLO
- What a treat, a promo poster for Wheels Ontario: Season Two. -JonDaly
- Scandal‘s John Barrowman has been named host of ABC’s upcoming singing competition reality series Sing Your Face Off, which will also feature judges Darrell Hammond and Debbie Gibson. And all of the contestants are also kind of celebrities? Very good show with a very graspable concept. -EW
- Michael Cera talked to the AV Club about working in the writer’s room on the new season of Arrested Development and the evolution of George Michael Bluth. -AVClub
- The producers of Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac have discussed how they’re going to use digital effects (+people having sex) to make it appear that the actors are actually having sex. 2013, y’all! -/Film
- Star Trek Into Darkness writer Damon Lindelof sent out a series of tweets yesterday apologizing for Alice Eve’s underpants scene. -NextMovie
Without trying to act like there’s much else to focus on at the moment (unless you want to talk about how Brad Pitt can’t remember faces very well and has very few friends currently but has never been happier?) (that Brad Pitt stuff and this are the top two stories in everyone’s Google News today, right?), here is a bright little piece from CBS News to come out of the sadness surrounding Moore today — a woman being interviewed by CBS talks bravely about surviving the storm while losing her dog, which she was holding onto when the tornado hit, only to have his sweet little head pop through the rubble at the end of the interview. (By “bright little piece” I do mean “piece that will probably make you tear up by merely reading the description, so please proceed to the video with caution, taking into consideration your current surroundings and mental state.) There is a lot of sadness going around today, but this is nice.