THE WORLD IS CHANGED, I CAN FEEL IT IN THE WATER. This is the second post in less than a month defending Gwyneth Paltrow against her detractors, despite the fact that I myself, and Videogum in general, has done as much if not more detraction as anyone. And look, she is still a terribly disillusioned fame monster whose pretty, pampered eyes are so fogged up from the myopic luxury of the bubble in which she lives that she has no idea what happens outside of that bubble nor what the bubble looks like to people who aren’t in it, and so she spends half of her life when she is not raking in cash from a movie set or writing cookbooks about macrobiotic lasagna simply describing the inside of the bubble to other people as if that is fun and useful for everyone rather than a painfully tone-deaf reminder of just how absurd the universe is and how deeply unjust the distribution of wealth has become that someone can profit from a website whose sole purpose is to make people feel poor. She is and will always be THE WORST. But even someone who is the worst, which Gwyneth Paltrow is, deserves some modicum of happiness in this life, and I am beginning to suspect that she doesn’t, and that’s too bad. Like, what does Gwyneth Paltrow actually LIKE? What does she ENJOY? Besides name-dropping “Jay-Z,” which, incidentally, if they were really as good friends as she was constantly saying they were, would she really call him “Jay-Z”? What about “Sean” or even just “Jay”? SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN LIARMARK! Anyway, the two Gwyneth Paltrow stories that have emerged this week from the Met Costume Institute Gala are really making me (not really, I have other things to do) worry about her!
- Flavorwire has put together a bunch of Arrested Development-themed Mother’s Day cards. Please do not give any of these to your mother. -Flavorwire
- Over at the AV Club, New Girl showrunners Elizabeth Meriwether, Brett Baer, and Dave Finkel are discussing the creation of the second season in a five-part series. You can read part one today! -AVClub
- Ashleigh Banfield of CNN and Nancy Grace of Headline News held a split-screen interview in the same parking lot yesterday. Laaaadies! -AtlanticWire
- In Ybor City, Florida, a group of Star Wars fans celebrated May the 4th by dressing as Darth Vader and Storm Troopers and parading through town on their motorcycles. -HyperVocal
- Andy Samberg and Seth MacFarlane got series orders at Fox. Oooooh! -EW
- Finally, the Michael Bay-produced TMNT movie, previously titled Ninja Turtles, has gotten a new name! CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS?! Plz try to guess and then click through. -/Film
Reheat your coffee and gather around — I have a tragic story to tell you inspired by a video that has recently gone viral. Is it a true story? No, but maybe. You never know if the things you make up in your imagination are going to end up being true. Is the end even true, the part shown on the video? Probably not! It looks like it’s probably staged. But maybe it isn’t! You shouldn’t always think everything you see is fake, even if it probably is. That’s no way to live your life. Man oh man, please stop giving me such a hard time, I’m only trying to tell you a story! Here we go: Cheryl purchased her boyfriend, Dave, tickets to a Fresno Grizzlies baseball game for his birthday. If you are calling shenanigans on this story already, I’d like to confirm that the Fresno Grizzlies ARE a minor league baseball team, even if you have never heard of them because your knowledge of even major league baseball and baseball teams is admittedly very not-ah-so-good. Cheryl had never been as confident about a birthday gift ever before in her life. “I just know my boyfriend Dave is going to love these minor league baseball tickets,” she whispered to her mother on the phone at one point, “I just know it.” The day of the game they both got dressed in their cutest baseball game outfits and headed to the stadium. “I’m going to get a hotdog,” Dave said. “I’m going to get TWO hotdogs!” Cheryl said, giggling. “Gross,” said Dave, not even making eye contact. Disheartened, Cheryl explained that she was only trying to be cute, she’ll probably just get one hot dog or maybe even no hot dogs, maybe she’ll get nachos, but it didn’t even seem like Dave was listening. It never did anymore. Looking back on their nine month relationship, Cheryl strained to remember a time when it seemed like Dave had his whole heart in it, like she did — Did he ever want this? How did she fool herself into thinking their relationship was solid, was worth continuing? Why did he trudge on in a relationship in which he wasn’t happy? Ah, but there was no time for thoughts like this — they were at a baseball game! Her nagging mind will not distract her from the fun she intended to have. About an hour into the game, or whatever, who knows how long baseball games last or when this thing normally happens, it was time for the kiss cam. Cheryl got a knot in her stomach — did she want it to land on them, or didn’t she? She couldn’t decide and, luckily for her, she didn’t have to — The camera soon landed on directly on them. “This is how I’ll know,” she thought, leaning in for a kiss. “This is how I’ll know.”
What? I told you it was Quentin Tortellini. (Thanks for the tip, Reverendgreen!)
Some days just don’t turn out the way you expect. You work hard on a song about a breakup, get your feelings into the music, record it, and start planning the music video. “I can’t wait until this music video comes out,” you probably think every night before drifting to sleep. “Everyone is going to be so proud of me.” Each night you envision the reaction. The Internet has made music so much more accessible than it once was, and you think that maybe this video could lead to the realization of your dream — playing music if not for a living, at least for an audience bigger than that you which you could reach in your hometown. You get all your friends to take part in the filming and of course they’re excited to do so. This could be it. The day the video hits the Internet you can’t help but feel butterflies. You watch the hits on YouTube grow and grow and you fill with excitement before your Google Alert filters through the headlines — “This is the Worst Break Up Song of All Time,” one reads. What?! I mean, sure the lyrics are very hard to follow and seem like they’re telling a few different kinds of breakup or possibly get-back-together stories, none of which make sense, but have you heard LYRICS lately?! You get another ping and your heart sinks. BuzzFeed has picked up the video, saying “Just wait for it. Wait till she goes for the high notes,” and they do NOT mean it in a good way. And OK, you had some trouble with the high notes and chose to feature them an intense amount throughout the song, which in retrospect was probably a mistake and might make people wonder if you got a chance to listen to the song before releasing it, but IS IT THAT BAD?! You find you have sunken into the depths of Internet music anti-stardom, you are seated next to “Mwah,” and you barely know how you got there. This has NOT been a good day. “Am I really that bad?” you ask yourself. “Am I-ah-AYYEE-ahh-aahheeee really that bad?” Your vocal trills sound perfect as ever. “Fuck them,” you think. Your day has been fine.
- Some new images have popped up from the set of Anchorman 2 that show Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hitting Sacha Baron Cohen with a crowbar. Great! -Hypervocal
- McSweeney’s has a new edition of Abandoned Joke Lists from the Bob’s Burgers Writing Room! This time, “Chester the Molester’s Attempts to Revamp His Image.” -McSweeney’s
- The Glossary made a video to pair with an abridged version of David Foster Wallace’s 2005 Kenyon commencement speech “This Is Water” and I really recommend watching it. -Gawker
- Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show is no longer getting a big, new $25 million studio at 30 Rock. He’s just getting a few million dollars worth of studio added onto his old one or something. The things some people have to go through, it’s so sad! -THR
- Production of Jurassic Park 4 has been put on hold. But don’t worry, LIFE FINDS A WAY! Hahaaahah. -/Film
- And, finally, you can watch the first four minutes of the upcoming Jesse Eisenberg magic movie, Now You See Me, over at Fandago. So why don’t you FandanGO over there and FandanWATCH them if you FandanWANTTO, otherwise FandaDON’T. -Fandango
That new Daft Punk song featuring Pharrell can go fuck itself because this summer it is all about Sarah Dunne’s “Mwah.” Roll down the windows. Fire up the grill. Plug up your ears. Chop off your head.
Kurt Braunohler has a new podcast over at The Nerdist called The K Ohle and, wouldn’t you know, our own Gabe Delahaye appears on the second episode! And it is a “PETophilia” style episode (there are going to be different kinds of episodes– you can figure out the podcast for yourself if you want to) during which they talk about animals and specifically Videogum mascot, Birdie! Perfect. What a TREAT. LOL. Like a dog treat! It pairs puuur-fectly (like a cat noise!) with the ten wonderful animal videos we have for you here today. Also it’s raining outside! Man, there is nothing better than a podcast and some animal videos when your feet are soaking wet and outside looks like gloomy piece of garbage. Right? Hahah. Not even a sunny day is better than that! Give me rain and garbage and podcasts and animal videos forever, God! Bury me underneath the rain and wet soil in a wi-fi hotspot and LEAVE ME ALONE! NOW LET’S WATCH SOME ANIMAL VIDEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!