A lot of people dislike exercise and avoid it at all costs because they don’t even know how to enjoy themselves. Exercise isn’t just about looking good it is also about feeling good, and what feels better than DANCING? (Sex, yes, and certain psychotropic drugs also, but mostly dancing.) FEEL THE BURN LOL JUST KIDDING THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING BUT ALSO THIS GUY IS #WINNING LOL JUST KIDDING AGAIN BUT HE SEEMS LIKE HE’S HAVING FUN WHICH IS MORE THAN I COULD SAY ABOUT THE FOOTAGE OF MOST OF THE REST OF US ON SOME OLD TREADMILL SO THERE YOU GO.
As you may know, Teen Mom‘s Farrah Abraham recently filmed a sex tape with porn/The Canyons star James Deen, and a few days ago it was released by the same company that released Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. In those few days it has made a ton of money. (Apparently.) (That’s what people are saying.) (I haven’t seen any of the documents but I’m going to TRUST.) Okay! I hope she uses the money to create a better, much more private, and much more protected life for her baby. Hope hope hope! HOPING’S FREE, DOESN’T COST A THING! I don’t know too much about Farrah, or at least I try not to, but from what I know her life has been a sad nightmare ever since she entered the MTV Horror-Reality public spotlight. Something about her mom? Definitely something about her mom, and I’m pretty sure something about some surgeries and something more about not having any money and 100% something about how the child she has was not born into a great environment. It’s sad and it’s all in public and the world is a vampire, and all of that is made clearer than necessary in Farrah’s recent appearance on Entertainment Tonight. My goodness. Just to give you a taste, when asked why she made the sex tape she answered, “I have no relationships and I’m, like, sad sometimes. So, taking all this into consideration…that’s what brought me here today.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! With this knowledge you can decide for yourself either to watch her interview with Entertainment Tonight OR ignore it completely and talk about what you’re having for lunch today! The world is sad enough when you DON’T include post-reality show young mothers and their depressing lives and sex tapes! YOU BE THE JUDGE!
I don’t have any children of my own, YET, hi ladies, but I’ve done my fair share of babysitting (ALWAYS BE ON YOUR GRIND) and I’ve seen movies and stuff. The point is: babies, right. Yes. For sure. These days, though, one of the hardest things about having a baby is knowing whether or not a baby has peed its diaper. Who has the time in our modern lives?! Oh, sure, you could just CHECK, but this is 2013. Checking is for ASSHOLES. (Can you believe that there was a time when people didn’t even have diapers?! I don’t know why we are still a species today because frankly I think everyone should have just KILLED THEMSELVES.) I know what you are thinking because we are all thinking it: now that we have diapers and also smart phones there has GOT to be a way to COMBINE those two things. Ding Dong McFly, say hello to TweetPee, the newest invention from Huggies. You simply place an electronic sensor on your baby’s dick or vagina and as soon as they start peeing through it, the sensor sends a fucking TWEET BLAST directly to your phone letting you know there is pee everywhere. THIS IS SO GREAT. Now you don’t even have to be in the same room as your baby. Just put it on the floor of the coat closet, strap the sensor to its dick, close the door so you don’t have to see its stupid baby face, and head out to the boom boom room for some cocktails. YOU FUCKING EARNED IT. FIST BUMP. What is your baby really adding to the conversation when you think about it? What is your baby’s BRAND, even?! Follow your baby’s pee on Twitter. THIS IS AN AWESOME WORLD WE LIVE IN AND I’M VERY EXCITED JUST TO BE A PART OF IT.
Zach Galifianakis kind of seems like the inversion of Gwyneth Paltrow, right? Does that make sense, what I just said? It might be gibberish but also it might not be!
1. Think hard about why you want to live to be 105.
2. Not to say that life isn’t wonderful or that it isn’t a glorious gift that those who get to live to their 100s get to enjoy seeing their families grow and the world change, and not that it isn’t wonderful that their families get to keep them around and learn from them longer than most families get to keep and learn from their elders, but ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE?
3. It really is wonderful. But can you imagine?
4. One hundred and five years of having to live every single day. One hundred and five years of having to maintain your life, which obviously only gets harder and harder. One hundred and five.
5. Again, not that it isn’t a beautiful gift. We should be happy that anyone is so Blessed. Hearing birds chirp and seeing the sun shine much longer than most of their contemporaries, whom they have had to watch die NOT TO BE MORBID. It really is nice. But I do just need you to think about it hard before you move on to point number six.
THE WORLD IS CHANGED, I CAN FEEL IT IN THE WATER. This is the second post in less than a month defending Gwyneth Paltrow against her detractors, despite the fact that I myself, and Videogum in general, has done as much if not more detraction as anyone. And look, she is still a terribly disillusioned fame monster whose pretty, pampered eyes are so fogged up from the myopic luxury of the bubble in which she lives that she has no idea what happens outside of that bubble nor what the bubble looks like to people who aren’t in it, and so she spends half of her life when she is not raking in cash from a movie set or writing cookbooks about macrobiotic lasagna simply describing the inside of the bubble to other people as if that is fun and useful for everyone rather than a painfully tone-deaf reminder of just how absurd the universe is and how deeply unjust the distribution of wealth has become that someone can profit from a website whose sole purpose is to make people feel poor. She is and will always be THE WORST. But even someone who is the worst, which Gwyneth Paltrow is, deserves some modicum of happiness in this life, and I am beginning to suspect that she doesn’t, and that’s too bad. Like, what does Gwyneth Paltrow actually LIKE? What does she ENJOY? Besides name-dropping “Jay-Z,” which, incidentally, if they were really as good friends as she was constantly saying they were, would she really call him “Jay-Z”? What about “Sean” or even just “Jay”? SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN LIARMARK! Anyway, the two Gwyneth Paltrow stories that have emerged this week from the Met Costume Institute Gala are really making me (not really, I have other things to do) worry about her!
- Flavorwire has put together a bunch of Arrested Development-themed Mother’s Day cards. Please do not give any of these to your mother. -Flavorwire
- Over at the AV Club, New Girl showrunners Elizabeth Meriwether, Brett Baer, and Dave Finkel are discussing the creation of the second season in a five-part series. You can read part one today! -AVClub
- Ashleigh Banfield of CNN and Nancy Grace of Headline News held a split-screen interview in the same parking lot yesterday. Laaaadies! -AtlanticWire
- In Ybor City, Florida, a group of Star Wars fans celebrated May the 4th by dressing as Darth Vader and Storm Troopers and parading through town on their motorcycles. -HyperVocal
- Andy Samberg and Seth MacFarlane got series orders at Fox. Oooooh! -EW
- Finally, the Michael Bay-produced TMNT movie, previously titled Ninja Turtles, has gotten a new name! CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS?! Plz try to guess and then click through. -/Film
Reheat your coffee and gather around — I have a tragic story to tell you inspired by a video that has recently gone viral. Is it a true story? No, but maybe. You never know if the things you make up in your imagination are going to end up being true. Is the end even true, the part shown on the video? Probably not! It looks like it’s probably staged. But maybe it isn’t! You shouldn’t always think everything you see is fake, even if it probably is. That’s no way to live your life. Man oh man, please stop giving me such a hard time, I’m only trying to tell you a story! Here we go: Cheryl purchased her boyfriend, Dave, tickets to a Fresno Grizzlies baseball game for his birthday. If you are calling shenanigans on this story already, I’d like to confirm that the Fresno Grizzlies ARE a minor league baseball team, even if you have never heard of them because your knowledge of even major league baseball and baseball teams is admittedly very not-ah-so-good. Cheryl had never been as confident about a birthday gift ever before in her life. “I just know my boyfriend Dave is going to love these minor league baseball tickets,” she whispered to her mother on the phone at one point, “I just know it.” The day of the game they both got dressed in their cutest baseball game outfits and headed to the stadium. “I’m going to get a hotdog,” Dave said. “I’m going to get TWO hotdogs!” Cheryl said, giggling. “Gross,” said Dave, not even making eye contact. Disheartened, Cheryl explained that she was only trying to be cute, she’ll probably just get one hot dog or maybe even no hot dogs, maybe she’ll get nachos, but it didn’t even seem like Dave was listening. It never did anymore. Looking back on their nine month relationship, Cheryl strained to remember a time when it seemed like Dave had his whole heart in it, like she did — Did he ever want this? How did she fool herself into thinking their relationship was solid, was worth continuing? Why did he trudge on in a relationship in which he wasn’t happy? Ah, but there was no time for thoughts like this — they were at a baseball game! Her nagging mind will not distract her from the fun she intended to have. About an hour into the game, or whatever, who knows how long baseball games last or when this thing normally happens, it was time for the kiss cam. Cheryl got a knot in her stomach — did she want it to land on them, or didn’t she? She couldn’t decide and, luckily for her, she didn’t have to — The camera soon landed on directly on them. “This is how I’ll know,” she thought, leaning in for a kiss. “This is how I’ll know.”