You Can Make It Up: Mickey Rourke Celebrates His Oscar Win
Gabe loves fan fiction. You Can Make It Up features his own personal alternate adventures starring some of our favorite characters.
[In this week's story, Mickey Rourke has just won the Academy Award for Best Actor.]
Mickey Rourke walked into the Vanity Fair party like his feet were made of clouds. Al Gore gave him a high five. Someone dropped their champagne, and even though it was most likely an accident (in fact, it was completely an accident), Micky liked to think it was because they'd seen him. The World's Greatest Actor of All Time! Penelope Cruz walked over and they made it look like their Oscars were kissing. "Stop, Penelope," Mickey Rourke said after a couple of seconds. "You're going to get a scratch on my baby's face." Mickey Rourke kissed his Oscar on the lips. He was high on life! And cocaine! And he was drunk on alcohol! Prince walked over and gave Mickey Rourke an athlete's slap on the butt. Mickey Rourke went into the bathroom and threw up, he was so happy.
"Mickey, get out here, we gotta get your picture taken," his publicist called from outside the bathroom door. Will Smith was standing at a urinal. He looked up from his penis. "You're the man, Mickey Rourke." Mickey Rourke slapped Will Smith on the back and probably got pee everywhere. Fuck it!
Mickey Rourke had greasy fingers the whole night from the trays of hors d'oeuvres going around. He wiped his hands on people's tuxedos and they didn't say shit about it. The food gave him the farts and he didn't care. He would probably win the Oscars for Farts. Mickey Rourke stood up on a table and tried to dance, although it looked more like an old man with a failing nervous system reaching out for his cane, but whatever! Bob Hoskins was there. "What the fuck are you doing here, Bob Hoskins?" Mickey Rourke shouted. He didn't care. The champagne wasn't even very good, but he drank a lot of it. A woman gave him a slip of paper with her hotel room number written on it. "Fuck you, honey," Mickey Rourke said. "Tonight is about me. What did you ever do in your life?" She gave him a dirty look and he flipped the back of his hand at her. Shoo! She shooed.
People wanted to know what he was up to now. Mickey Rourke was like "what does it look like I'm up to? No good!" He won the Oscar for Best Actor, not Best Party Jokes. He farted all over the room. Probably at least one fart every time he stopped moving, and plenty of farts when he walked. He put his arm around Julia Roberts and whispered something in her ear. She backed away and smiled at him and the next day he got a letter from her lawyer. Joe Pesci cornered him.
"Be careful, Mickey," Joe Pesci said.
"What are you talking about, Pesci?" Mickey said.
"Take care of yourself. Be smart." Joe Pesci walked away on his stupid Hobbit legs.
"Go fuck yourself, Joe Pesci." Mickey Rourke said under his breath. And then looked down at his hand to make sure that he was still holding his Oscar. That Joe Pesci hadn't stolen it. He should probably get a doctor to examine why he had no feeling in his hands. But that was future business. Tonight it was party business. And Mickey Rourke was the CEO.
At some point he fell through a plate glass window.
Mickey Rourke ordered a pizza and had it delivered to the party and he washed it down with more champagne. A woman who claimed that she was in Playboy this month asked if he would buy her a drink. "What are you talking about? The drinks are free." She made a pouty face. "Besides," Mickey Rourke said, "who hasn't been in Playboy this month." The woman walked away. Mickey Rourke flashed a peace sign at Tom Hanks.
The next morning, Mickey Rourke woke up and looked at his Academy Award. It was sitting on a pile of pornography. There was a pair of stained boxer shorts hanging off of Oscar's face. Mickey Rourke wasn't an idiot. He knew that his performance in The Wrestler was dependent on an entire lifetime of bad decisions, and that the movie was as much a portrait of his failure as it was about the character. He knew that the "second chance" he'd earned wasn't really a second chance so much as a brief celebration of the talent he'd buried in surgery scars and drug-fueled sadness. There were not a lot of other The Wrestlers out there. He doubted he'd get more work than he was getting before, and barely more respect. It was just nice for someone who'd spent so many painful years in the miserable shadows to be recognized as a once promising human being who was still alive. He was alive.
Posted by Gabe at 5:30 PM in You Can Make It Up
Tags: Academy Awards | Mickey Rourke | Sean Penn | The Wrestler
That was absolutley beautiful. It even topped the gunnsnrourkes.blogspot.com Oscar story.
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I could actually picture Mickey Rourke saying those very words. And nice defense for why he should have won at the end. Bravo.
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This was fantastic, Gabe. Pitch-perfect and surprisingly touching.
Score = 2
*single tear*
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The problem is this: it's not even REMOTELY funny! I can do better with 1 foot in the urinal and 1 foot up your ass! Not that THAT's my idea of a good time, mind you! Perhaps you need to get this on video and have Takeshi Miike direct it!Losers!!!
Score = -23
Mickey... is that you?
Score = 3
Takashi Miike? What?
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Gabe, didn't you even watch the Oscars? Sean Penn won the Oscar for Best Actor! Not Mickey Rourke.
Score = -14
"...probably got pee everywhere. Fuck it!"
Score = 3
:(
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This is really really good. I liked this as much as the Diablo Cody story.
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you should win the oscar for fart jokes
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Your fan fictions make me sad much of the time, but they remain funny in their sad-making way.
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The Oscar for farts.
Sign me up!
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Oh man...
Something about when you say "He didn't care" really works with these.
This rivals Brody Jenner's Yom Kippur. It's still tops, but this was nice work.
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Ugh. Ugh.
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