You Can Make It Up: Kanye West And Taylor Swift Have A Bubblegum Pizza Party
Gabe loves fan fiction. You Can Make It Up features his own personal alternate adventures starring some of our favorite characters.
There was a knock at Kanye West's hotel suite door. It was the country singer, Taylor Swift. Kanye invited her inside and asked her what her favorite pizza toppings were. "Bubblegum," she said. Kanye West told his assistant to call his manager to talk to the hotel concierge about getting three large bubblegum pizzas.
"I don't think they make bubblegum pizza, Mr. West," the assistant said.
Kanye fired his assistant and scheduled interviews to hire a new assistant. The fifth candidate seemed promising: an adrogynous man dressed head-to-toe in Dries Van Noten, which Kanye appreciated, and the guy didn't seem to even want to be there. Whenever Kanye asked a question, the candidate would just stare out the window looking bored. Kanye was feeling this.
"Let me ask you something," Kanye said, "if I told you to call my manager to call the concierge to call a pizza place and order three large bubblegum pizzas, would you tell me there was no such thing as bubblegum pizza?"
The assistant pushed his neon green glasses up higher on the bridge of his turned up nose. "Whatever," he said.
Kanye hired the assistant on the spot and asked him to call his manager to ask him to call the concierge to ask him to call a pizza place and order three large bubblegum pizzas. An hour later, his manager called. "What is all this about bubblegum pizza?" he asked. Kanye told him to just get the bubblegum pizzas or there was going to be some trouble.
"Why can't you just let me be great?" he asked his manager.
It was ridiculous to Kanye how hard everyone tried to stop him from being great all the time. Was bubblegum pizza really something to jeopardize your whole career as a member of Kanye's entourage over? Haters. Eventually, some bubblegum pizza arrived. Each pizza cost $100. Kanye told his assistant to pay for it, but his assistant was busy working on his line of handbags.
"Well," Kanye said to Taylor Swift, as she chewed on a piece of bubblegum pizza with a dull look in her eyes, "how does that bubblegum pizza taste?"
Taylor Swift nodded.
"Can you believe that people are still talking about the MTV Video Music Awards?" he asked.
Taylor Swift shook her head.
"Yeah, it's insane to me, too. The fact that a possibly-staged interaction between two multi-millionaires in the middle of an awards show that stopped being relevant or interesting more than a decade ago could somehow capture the attention of a country between two wars with an economy collapsing beneath its feet is incredible. As if somehow the injured feelings of a teenage girl, which weren't even really that injured incidentally, I mean, in the grand scheme of the ways in which people can hurt each other this was the definition of 'insignificant,' and certainly did not have the severity one might expect in light of your resultant martyrdom, because if anything this was the best thing that's ever happened to you. Besides, don't people realize that celebrities live in a tightly circumscribed world in which the painful ups and downs of life are largely evened out by the comforting luxuries of wealth and the incessant damage control of a sycophantic entourage, so that any serious emotional stress is subsumed and buried until such time as the celebrity is no longer a celebrity at which point it can be unearthed and used to fuel the inevitable downward spiral of drug addiction and suicidal ideation, but the ultimate point of this being that we couldn't have a genuine, emotionally impactful interaction with each other if we wanted to. Because we live in impenetrable bubbles of self-satisfaction, with a tiny core of self-doubt buried deep inside, pulling with the weight of a collapsed star. But that self-doubt is self-generated, and we can't have any affect on each other's wobbling perch at the edge of our own self-destruction. Even if we tried it would just be like, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? So anything that actually happens in our day-to-day lives is meaningless. Obscured and engulfed by our narcissistic pursuit of pleasure and our terrified escape from self-examination." Kanye rubbed a hand over his jigsaw head. "You know what I mean?"
Taylor Swift just chewed bubblegum pizza with a dumb look on her dumb face.
Kanye West reached over and took a slice of bubblegum pizza. "I'm gonna eat some of this pizza now," he said.
They ate the rest of their meal in silence. That bald lady was there, too.
Posted by Gabe at 5:00 PM in You Can Make It Up
Tags: Kanye West | MTV Video Music Awards | Pizza | Taylor Swift
Brilliant.
Score = 1
"They ate the rest of their meal in silence. That bald lady was there, too." I stopped reading after that.
Score = 26
my stomach hurts from thinking about how to eat bubblegum pizza. also, ulcers.
Score = 2
That was quite the little self satisfied rant you let out there. It seems that you are essentially arguing that since celebrities are surrounded by countless material comforts they can't truly feel human emotion. I hope I'm not making a straw man here so if that's not what you are saying I apologize. I think a good counterpoint to that would in fact be Kanye West. He is the manifestation of materialistic shallow joys and should by all measures fit your parameters. But it was these very materialistic pleasures that led to the death of his mom. That led to 808s and Heartbreaks which was a very candid and human expression of emotion. Just because they are celebrities and rich doesn't mean they are free from human ups and downs. You also argued that these emotions don't manifest until their celebrity fades and therefore they gain some mortality. Kurt Cobain killed himself at the peak of his celebrity. This all kind of ties in with my last point. You argue ultimately what is an entirely trivial action should not affect a nation going through as much turmoil as this, but I find that as a shallow interpretation of these acts. Occurrences like these can raise questions about the idea of a celebrity, pop culture, and our societies mental health as a whole. Maybe those questions pale in importance when compared to two wars, but they are still worthwhile.
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I totally agree.
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Why are they worthwhile? This is a totally spectacular (I use the term in the sense of Guy Debord) manifestation of a faux-argument between two people whose lives only have meaning in their exposure to public adoration. They're walking commodities, people who have to constantly drum up interest in themselves and their products with weird and outlandish acts. So, do I care about Kanye or Taylor Swift? No.
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Neither do I really. But I do care about how people and our society as a whole has reacted to this news.
Score = 11
eh. while the fan fiction may be hyperbolic, it's very fair to say that the life of a celebrity often creates a reality unlike the normals experience. While certain things will always trigger emotions (#5 would feel it if his mom died while getting plastic surgery,) a life surrounded by crazy money and sycophantic handlers not only smooths out some of the bumps that come before your mother dies but also very easily creates a reality where firing someone for failing to bring you a bubblegum pizza isn't that unimaginable. For many on the outside that reality is pretty distasteful.
Also, I'm not sure Cobain is a good counterpoint. Being clinically depressed means that the circumstances of your existence, be they good or bad, are kind of irrelevant to one's emotions.
Finally, very few have latched onto this story in a deep way and created a meaningful dialogue. Unless we're counting "is Kanye more of a dick than Chris?" meaningful.
Finally Finally, I did like your point about materialism leading to art - that was interesting.
Finally Finally Finally, Always Sunny's back tonight!
Score = 6
The life of a celebrity is definitely a unique experience. This whole argument is just a little reminiscent of the sentiment that rich people have no right to be sad or depressed. While it is true it is more comfortable they are still living a human life and pain is attached to human life. Sometimes it can come across as whining (Margot at the Wedding), but its still there. I am a little frustrated that people aren't going deeper than this, but I have been having some long and meaningful conversations with my friends about it. I thought about not using Kurt Cobain for the reason you brought up, then I just said fuck it and let it fly. Finally, I am so incredibly pumped for Its Always Sunny tonight. I can't wait. We're having a bro beer party in honor of it.
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I wore my greenman suit to work today.
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"This whole argument is just a little reminiscent of the sentiment that rich people have no right to be sad or depressed."
I hope that wasn't a shot at me. Don't TEST ME hlebtastic
But either way, i think we can agree that sure is a silly sentiment. Why would anyone speak about emotions in term of rights? That seems a pretty strange category mistake. Pass the byzantine, my quesadilla needs school spirit.
Also, SUNNY!!!!!
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I know the coincidence may seem damning, but it wasn't a knock on you. Just the general sentiment that seems to get thrown alot around here that there are Sudanese refugees making there way through life so I can't be sad that my girlfriend left me. That wasn't your point in all that Catcher in the Rye thread. I got nothing but love for you. All this discussion on entitlement is taking away from the real stars here: Charlie, Mac, Dee, Dennis, and Frank.
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...who did NOT disappoint.
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Can "Don't TEST ME hlebtastic" be the new "Relax, technojeremy"? Yes, yes it can.
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"Occurrences like these can raise questions about the idea of a celebrity, pop culture, and our societies mental health as a whole. Maybe those questions pale in importance when compared to two wars, but they are still worthwhile."
Not to be late to the game or seem like a troll by posting around 3am, 6 pacific, but while occurrences like this can raise valid questions they rarely do. Even when Kanye had a valid point after Katrina, all of the questions raised were should celebrities talk politics(because people paid $300 to appear on the 24 hour news cycle and repeat talking points are qualified) or did he go too far when he accused Gdub of racism.
All events like this do in this time and age is allow for profit news organizations try to fill up 24 news cycles with news that they can repeat ad nauseam to boost ratings and therefore boost ad revenue. Kanye attacking and poor(not financially) teenage or 20 year old girl plays well and will be sensationalized until the ratings well runs dry. When it comes down to it the media usually plays off of our society's unstable mental health and then sells us pills to fix it during the commercial break.
Again sorry about being late to the game but it has been a busy day and I have been unable to read this until just a few minutes ago. Damn I hate social responsibilities.
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If you were late then I am terrible. Its true that profit news networks haven't taken this that deeply, because they never get deep into anything and that is truly lamentalble. But Gabe has an avenue to take it as deeply as he wants so he can't really complain about lack of depth. I'm sure he did. He didn't want to go any deeper into the Kanye West rabbit hole, and I totally understand that. As a huge pop culture fan it bothers me when intelligent educated people just use a knee jerk reaction and say these issues don't matter, when they definitely do.
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Filibuster!
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All we wanna do is eat your brains
We're not unreasonable
No one's gonna eat your eyes.
Score = -7
What a coincidence! I like songs as well! Have you heard "Westfall" by Okkervil River? That song has lyrics in it! One of the lyrics is "Evil don't look like anything". Just thought you guys should know.
Score = 15
Yes, Bubbles. We all love you, as much as any Monster family can love one of their own, but plesae stop with the lyrics! We all thought writing lyrics everywhere next to the logos for our favorite bands was a good idea once in our lives, but let's paint, exercise, and move on.
Score = 10
Or even better move on (dot org).
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Yeah, no one wants to hear about your 97th tear
so dry your eyes or let it go uncried, my dear.
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http://twurl.nl/qcuaa3
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I'll have one more slice you You pizza please.
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Whoa. That is freaky how Kanye basically summed up everything everyone here was thinking, even to his own detriment. Man, he likes to soliloquize, though. That Bald Lady needed way more time in the spotlight.
Also - Gabe forgot to mention how that last couple of lines REALLY went down:
Taylor Swift just chewed bubblegum pizza with a dumb look on her dumb face.
Li'l Mama, who had totally been there for the last half of Kanye's speech, took two slices of pizza, and then faded from the public eye.
Kanye West reached over and took a slice of bubblegum pizza, refusing to acknowledge her entrance, or exit. "I'm gonna eat some of this pizza now," he said.
They ate the rest of their meal in silence. That bald lady was there, too.
Score = 7
This would have been more effective had Kanye's entire monologue been in caps. Bygones. Otherwise, I kind of like this Kanye--if the guy were this self-aware, the world would probably explode. In a good way, I think? I like him.
Score = 13
Did THAT many media outlets really freak out about this? Because I feel like the only people who have bemoaned this are sites like this one, gawker, movieline, etc etc, parasitic websites devoted to reappropriating pop culture slop for the overeducated/underemployed. While I think Gabe's schtick is pretty Fing hilarious at some point you do start to wonder if he really feels this way, why does he continue with his job? If you hate pop culture, celebrities, everything it represents... why not move to Ecuador and take up carpentry or something.
Score = -9
Lot's of serious comments on this one, eh?
I just want to say that I laughed all the way through, but I absolutely lost it at "That bald lady was there, too."
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Yall read Carles' take on kanyegate3? http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/09/it-takes-a-socially-transcendent-moment-to-remind-us-what-makes-life-worth-living-kanye-west-is-a-valuable-member-of-society.html#comments It's a great counterpoint to Gabe's position. Gabe + Carles are the best writers on the web.
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A spoonful of bubblegum makes the pizza go down, just as a heaping of pop culture makes the despairing sociological analysis go down.
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I liked how you made Taylor Swift seem kind of unburdened by thought.
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"It seems that you are essentially arguing that since celebrities are surrounded by countless material comforts they can't truly feel human emotion." I do agree with you, but come on... Money can make life a LOT easier...
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Can I be part of your sycophantic entourage? It amazes me how one person can churn out so much hilarity on a daily basis.
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I didn't sign up for this intelligent dissection of our culture of celebrity.
Entertain me, sad clown.
Score = 11
Agh! That was supposed to be a reply to hlebtastic. First post blunder, rookie mistake...
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I quit...
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Who is the bald lady? What am I missing?
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I have a feeling this is way too old and may get voted down, but I felt like I had to post it
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That was fine! I just wish people would stop saying DOWNVOTE AWAY and I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA DOWNVOTE ME, BUT. It seems like fishing.
Score = 8
Heed my words, we will be hearing much, much more about these poor, vapid, materialistic pop stars. Kanye may have been the first to hit the mainstream with his 808s and his Heartbreaks, but you can hear people like Drake and Kid Cudi jumping on the sad-wagon. Pretty soon Soulja' BoyTellUs is going to being profoundly lamenting his money telephones. Oh wait...
Do not feed their melodrama!!!!!
Score = -3
Can we all just agree to stop an argument once someone name-drops Guy Debord? This should be the Godwin's Law of Videogum, I have never been kidding less than right now.
Score = 5
my fave line has to be taylor sitting there eating pizza with a dumb look on her dumb face. unfortunately, that is almost exactly what she did after kanye's outburst. she should get a smarter face.
Score = 2
And I'm gonna be the trolliest troll for commenting on this an entire day later, but whatever, my thoughts and words are totally important! I really don't think it's a question of whether celebrities have feelings or don't. They obviously do. The thing is, their feelings, while they might speak a lot about the human condition, are not really that relevant to anyone else. The problems of the rich and white are still valid! To them. And the people who care about them, I guess. Losing a parent is emotional hell. Depression is a very serious illness. Those are things that could happen to any of us, they're part of being human.
That's just the thing though. Abject poverty, the economic collapse etc. are not part of being human. They exist because we live in a shit world. We can't ban sadness, we can't ban the death of our loved ones. We should, however, be able to make this a decent planet for most people who live in it. Those are the "real problems" because they're the ones we should be able to solve if we weren't all self-involved monsters.
And I say all this as a Wes Anderson fanatic/Elliott Smith lover who still enjoys Catcher in the Rye, and liked Harry in the Order of the Phoenix.
Score = 2
B-. Too sarcastic, like some Calvin and Hobbes cartoons ("I love the culture of victimhood!").
What are we doing at Videogum, besides pursuing pleasure in a narcissistic fashion--even through self-examination? And why is Taylor Swift doomed to a life of celebrity? The fatalism here is deeply disturbing....
Score = -1
when are the fanfiction stories going to be compiled into a single volume and sold in every bookstore in the country? How long must we wait?
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Kanye told his assistant to pay for it, but his assistant was busy working on his line of handbags. Oh I thought that was Kanye?
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