June 11, 2009

You Can Make It Up: Jessica Alba Saves The Great White Sharks

Gabe loves fan fiction. You Can Make It Up features his own personal alternate adventures starring some of our favorite characters.

Jessica Alba stood in a business plaza in downtown Chicago dressed in cargo pants and a bikini top holding a burlap sack. She wore a baseball hat pulled down low and sunglasses to be "incognito," which was a word she just looked up. It meant, well, to be honest she did not remember what it meant, but the point is that she was it. Incognito. Maybe later she would have her publicist blog about this on her MySpace page so that she could share her knowledge with her fans. Jessica Alba held up the burlap sack.

"GET IN HERE, SHARKS, I AM SAVE YOU!" she shouted.

A friend of hers took a photo of Jessica holding the sack out and shouting, and they glued a copy of that photo onto a baby's face.

"Get the word out there," Jessica Alba said to the mother of the baby. She raised her hands into the air in victory. "Victory!" she shouted in the mother's face. Jessica Alba giggled. Water poured out of her mouth. The mother turned to punch Jessica Alba in the face but Jessica Alba was gone. She was on an airplane.

The plane touched down in Reno and she got out with her sack in hand and stood on the tarmac. She held out the sack. Wind blew in her hair and her extensions. Sweat dripped foundation into her eyes. She looked around but she didn't see any sharks anywhere.

"Why won't these sharks get in this bag. Something is happening to them!" she said to her entourage. They all nodded.

"I'm hungry," said Dragon, a slender member of the entourage who was wearing baggy jeans and a Cosby sweater but no shoes. They got into three limousines and headed to Arby's. They sat at an outside table and ate a pile of roast beef sandwiches. Jessica Alba kept her shark-saving sack at her side just in case, but not a single shark got into it.

"Remember that baby?" someone asked. Jessica Alba dreamed that the baby grew up to be President of the United States, and as he addressed the peoples of America they saw the sticker of Jessica Alba glued to the President's face and they knew it was time to do something for these poor sharks that something was happening to that was bad. Someone shook Jessica Alba awake and she laughed.

"SHARKIES!"

They were late for a party in Las Vegas at a new nightclub, Potato's, that Jessica Alba was being paid $20,000 to "host." All it meant was that she was contractually obligated to show up for 15 minutes, which she would spend drinking Grey Goose vodka in the VIP section, and she would leave. And if there were any great white sharks in the VIP section she would take them with her, to save them and to rescue them. If there were any great white sharks in the gross yucky regular section for civilians, Jessica Alba would never know about it. But she wished those sharks luck!

They pulled up outside of the club. Jessica Alba's hands were leaving dark sweaty stains on the folds of the sack now, stains of anticipation, or of a cocaine come-down, one or the other. "This is wonderful" Jessica Alba said, "Las Vegas is closer to the ocean anyway!"

"No it's not," said Candy, who tonight was dressed like a pile of Lady Gaga's dirty laundry.

"Shut up, Candy," said Jessica Alba.

"Yeah, shut up, Candy," said Le Pink, who had never liked Candy anyway, and then she put a Tootsie Pop in her mouth and she sucked on it. No one knew if Le Pink was a man or a lady.

The club was dark and steamy and smelled like plastic and rubbing alcohol. Jessica Alba stood up on a table and did a dance that she knew would lure great white sharks. She danced and she danced. The timer on her watch beeped after 15 minutes and she stopped dancing and she left. She called her agent and began crying uncontrollably.

"Am I doing enough?"

The agent smacked his gum and he told her complimentary things that she knew must be hyperbolic, because the truth of it was that she wasn't that great of a person and even she recognized that her self-absorption blinded her to some of the realities, if not all of the realities, of the way in which the world worked for the vast majority of human beings living in it, but he made her feel better and when she got home she was going to send him a $1,000,000 gift card to Barnes and Noble because one time she saw him holding a book, or maybe a magazine, and that would be a good thank you gift!

At the hotel she draped her shark sack on the edge of the balcony to dry as people in the entourage fought over who was going to make her her favorite drink, a giant glass of warm vodka. A slight breeze picked up, and the empty burlap shark sack slid, and then fell, and Jessica Alba watched it spiral off into the darkness, and she wondered what it was. Because she had forgotten.

Posted by Gabe at 6:00 PM in You Can Make It Up
Tags: Jessica Alba | Sharks