You Can Make It Up: Angelina Jolie Vs. Oprah
Gabe loves fan fiction. You Can Make It Up features his own personal alternate adventures starring some of our favorite characters.
Angelina Jolie balled her bone white hands into fists, power surging off of them in blue waves of electromagnetism. Her eyes closed to squints and a fire ball blasted out of them, shearing off the corner of an office building, sending brick and twisted metal falling to the sidewalk below. Civilians shrieked and ran. Angelina Jolie stood in the middle of the street, fissures in the cement stretching out beneath her patent leather boots in thin concussive webs.
"ANGELINA JOLIE!" a voice bellowed from behind her.
Angelina whipped around, her hair flying out in electric tendrils, her hands outstretched to shield the oncoming blow. A burst of power sent her flying into a street lamp, where it was cleanly snapped off at the base and fell into a nearby swimming pool. Angelina was thrown further, through the plate glass window of an Einstein's Bagels, finally coming to rest against a walk in cooler filled with various flavors of cream cheese. Approaching through the dust she could make out the hulking figure of her arch-rival.
"OPRAH!" she screamed, as another burst of power knocked her head backwards, denting in the door of the walk in cooler.
Oprah's shoulders were covered in the dust of her destructive wake, which fell off of her slowly, like steam. Lightning bolts shot from her fingertips. Her eyes glowed with telekinetic power. Angelina Jolie lunged, but Oprah knocked her aside with a swipe of her inhumanly strong hand. Angelina Jolie fell into a bin of day old Einstein's Bagels. She let out a cry of rage as she leapt free, but Oprah had disappeared through a service exit.
Angelina Jolie rushed into the alley and was knocked down once more, her legs swept out from under her by a blast of pure energy. She went flying into the air, her trenchcoat sweeping out behind her. She managed to catch the bottom rung of a fire escape, and turned quickly, dangling in the air as she let loose a barrage of lazer beams from her eyeballs. Oprah shielded them with her wrists crossed in front of her face, and as Angelina Jolie dropped from the fire escape, she jumped up and double-kicked Angelina in the face. Her body was tossed through a brick wall like a rag doll. Oprah landed in a crouch and looked up.
Angelina Jolie was in an Asian family's living room. They were eating dinner, or had been eating dinner, food falling from their forks and mouths as they stared slackjawed. She apologized, dusted herself off, and launched herself through the Angelina Jolie-shaped hole in their dining room wall. Oprah was already in the air to meet her, and their punches met in mid-air, fist on fist, repelling them both to opposite sides of the street. The air smelled of ozone.
Angelina Jolie closed the distance. Oprah crescent kicked her in the face, but Angelina merely absorbed the blow, like a mortal would a slap. Oprah delivered a devastating series of jabs, crosses, and uppercuts, but Angelina dodged and weaved her way through them as if she could see them coming in slow motion. Her face was eerily calm as, when Oprah's flurry of punches subsided, she delivered a single punch to Oprah's face, sending the popular talk show host hurtling through the air, bouncing off of a dumpster into a pile of slimy garbage bags. Angelina closed the distance again, grabbing Oprah by the collar and throwing her against a parked car. She punched at Oprah's face, but Oprah dodged and Angelina Jolie's fist went through the driver's window. The alarm went off. Angelina punched at Oprah's ribs, but Oprah dodged once more, and the car door took a meteoric dent. Angelina growled, lifted Oprah over her head and threw her into the windshield of a parked van.
Oprah rolled onto the hood of the van, momentarily stunned. Angelina Jolie jumped catlike into the air and landed, knees wide, straddling Oprah's prone body. With one hand she gripped Oprah's throat, and with the other she raised a deadly fist.
"I AM THE MOST POWERFUL CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD NOW ACCORDING TO FORBES MAGAZINE! MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU!" she shrieked.
Oprah's bruised, swollen eyes struggled to open.
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" she managed to cry out in agony and frustration.
"I HAVE NO IDEA," Angelina screamed, her voice the cry of a hundred beasts.
The end.
Posted by Gabe at 5:30 PM in You Can Make It Up
Tags: Angelina Jolie | Celebrities | Oprah
"where it was cleanly snapped off at the base and fell into a nearby swimming pool"
you are all that is blogger, gabe
Score = 10
The street lamp falling into a swimming pool was a nice touch. A++
Score = 8
This is the best thing that I have read in ever.
Score = 5
You should (not) call your pal McG to real-life this. Also, gross, I was rooting against Oprah.
Score = 1
Suddenly, darkness shrouded them both. They looked up to see what sort of cloud could have blocked out the sun entirely, but it was no cloud. It was a dirigible, hovering overhead, and on the balloon was a giant letter "M". The rivals looked at each other and growled.
"MADONNA!"
Score = 8
omg. Is that "Cabbage Patch Elvis" from "Eegah!", via MST3K reference????????????
You are my HERO.
And also...yikes.
Score = 0
watch out for snakes!
Score = 0
yawn
Score = -24
Good comment. Very critical.
Score = 25
POOLS CLOSED
Score = 4
"Her body was tossed through a brick doll like a rag doll."
I wish they still made brick dolls like in the good old days.
Score = 9
That was before we had the technological advances to invent stick-ball.
Score = 3
Gabe gets a ten week vacation.
Score = 4
I like how we have inside jokes here. It really nurtures my superiority complex. And on that note, I miss Kenny Powers.
Score = 6
haha.. best ending yet..! all it needed was a painful silence and a lone tumbleweed to slowly drift by between them..
Score = 1
i miss da cake eatur
Score = 5
"It gives me great pleasure to inform you that the references to [Einstein's Bagels] in last night's [You Can Make It Up] were in no way product placement. [...] We received no money from the [Einstein's] Corporation. We were actually a little worried they might sue us. That's just the kind of revenue-generating masterminds we are."
-Gabe Delahaye (via Tina Fey)
Score = 1
Omg, this is so fucking bullshit.
Everyone knows Angelina lost her +6 eye-fireball manifestation 3 years ago.
Score = 1