The Terminator trudged along the wooded path towards the lake, his gun dangling by his side, the taunts still ringing in his hypersensitive bionic ears. He stared at the ground as he walked, and didn't even bother scanning anything with his infrared computer eyes. Summer camp was a total drag. The Terminator hadn't made any friends. No one wanted to be his buddy for afternoon swim. Every time he tried to get into a sailboat, the weight of endoskeleton would sink the whole thing. Just now, in arts and crafts, everyone was supposed to spend the hour drawing something that they liked. The Terminator didn't "like" anything. But he figured that he would "like" to kill John Connor. So he drew John Connor with blood pouring out of a giant hole in his chest. "Oooh," one of the other kids had said, snatching the drawing from under the Terminator's hands. "What's this? A picture of your boyfriend!" Then he held the drawing up in the air and everyone joined in. "Oooh," all the kids chanted, "Terminator has a boyfriend! Terminator has a boyfriend!"
"What's his name?" the child who had stolen the drawing asked.
"His name is John Connor, and I have been sent from the future to kill him," The Terminator said.
"Terminator and John Connor, sitting in a tree!" the kids began to chant. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Shut up," The Terminator said, "or I will shoot all of you children in the face with a machine gun."
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: The Terminator Trap...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Terminator
latest by Jan
David Spade emerged from his hot tub after a brief but relaxing 9-hour soak. He put on his $10,000 Billy Mays costume, complete with a button-down blue shirt owned by Billy Mays himself, exhumed from his grave, cleaned, pressed, and sprayed gently with Oxy-Clean for that Genuine Billy Mays Scent. He put on a fake beard and a Billy Mays wig and gave himself two thumbs up in the mirror. He couldn't wait to enter the Billy Mays Costume Contest and win some great Billy Mays goodies and prizes, whatever that might mean. But first: trick-or-treating. He picked up his pumpkin-headed candy bucket, jumped in the hot tub for a final, quickie three-hour soak, waited for his costume to dry, and then was ready to go!
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: David Spade Dresses Up As Billy Mays For Halloween...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Billy Mays | David Spade | Halloween
latest by caringiscool
Tom Cruise walked into the ice cream shop with his hands in his pockets. You always see these gay guys walking around with their hands out of their pockets, hanging by their sides or something. They're all like, Ooh, I'm a pretty lady, I don't put my hands in my pockets because they are lady hands. Well Tom Cruise walked around with his hands in his pockets to let everyone know that these hands only liked touching human women. Tom Cruise loved human women and he would have sexual intercourse with one some day, just to show everyone. He walked right up to the ice cream counter and he paused for a second, kind of pushing his crotch out, just a little, just enough subtle movement just to capture the eye and then what would the eye see? Hands in pockets. Straight man hands.
"One ice cream please," Tom Cruise said. "Just in case there aren't any gay people in here."
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: Tom Cruise Gets Some Ice Cream...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Homophobia | Homosexuals | Ice Cream | Tom Cruise
latest by caringiscool
Well, the search for Falcon Heene continues, but there is little that we can do about it from our offices and monster caves. So we must move forward. I know that it is hard to celebrate anything when something nuts and sad and terrifying is going on, but we do have something important to celebrate: we have a winner in our Kate Gosselin Halloween Costume Fan Fiction Contest! I have to tell you, I was really surprised at how many people entered and at the quality of the entries, and if I had things my way, there would be no Internet and the faucets would run with Mountain Dew Code Black! But also, once that was taken care of, if I had things my way there would be free Kate Gosselin wigs for everyone! You are all winners! Sort of! Only one of you is really a winner in the sense that he or she won and is going to get a prize, which is a reward reserved for genuine winners. But you're all winners in my mind. My worthless, wig-free mind.
Tomorrow, I am going to post all of the entries so that we can enjoy the many Fabulous Alternative Adventures of Kate Gosselin together. But for today there can be only one. And it is after the jump.
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: The Kate Gosselin Halloween Costume Fan Fiction Contest...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Fan Art | Fan Fiction | Jon And Kate Plus 8 | Jon Gosselin | Kate Gosselin | Kate Plus 8
latest by LunaFreak
Roman Polanski paced his Swiss jail cell, where he had been placed on decades old warrants related to the 1977 charges of raping and drugging a 13-year-old girl. For weeks he had carefully dug a hole into the soft clay wall of his cell, dropping the loose pieces through a hole in his pocket in the exercise yard, covering his progress with a Rita Hayworth poster the warden had been kind enough to provide him with. Finally, when the hole was deep enough, he used it to store the various bits and pieces he would need to complete his time machine, collected from the cafeteria, the laundry room, and the metal works. Now, there was only one piece missing, and he knew exactly what it was (a tiny twist of copper wire), and which he planned to extract from a shortwave radio in the kitchens that the guards let the assigned prisoners listen to music on while they cooked for their fellow inmates. Then, at midnight, he would install this wire as a connector between the important parts and he would be ready for his first voyage THROUGH TIME.
He got it! The piece of wire! The guards didn't see him get it. There was not even a problem with the sloppy joes at lunch at all. And now it is midnight!
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: Roman Polanski Builds A Time Machine...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Jail | Rape-Rape | Roman Polanski | Time Machines
latest by pushkin
There was a knock at Kanye West's hotel suite door. It was the country singer, Taylor Swift. Kanye invited her inside and asked her what her favorite pizza toppings were. "Bubblegum," she said. Kanye West told his assistant to call his manager to talk to the hotel concierge about getting three large bubblegum pizzas.
"I don't think they make bubblegum pizza, Mr. West," the assistant said.
Kanye fired his assistant and scheduled interviews to hire a new assistant. The fifth candidate seemed promising: an adrogynous man dressed head-to-toe in Dries Van Noten, which Kanye appreciated, and the guy didn't seem to even want to be there. Whenever Kanye asked a question, the candidate would just stare out the window looking bored. Kanye was feeling this.
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: Kanye West And Taylor Swift Have A Bubblegum Pizza Party...
Posted by Gabe at 5:00 PM in
Tags: Kanye West | MTV Video Music Awards | Pizza | Taylor Swift
latest by Up, Up, and Away!
Charlie Sheen knew that meeting with Barack Obama, the leader of the Western world, was a tremendous privilege. Not everyone with a terrible sitcom and a history of porn addiction got to meet with the Commander in Chief to discuss their 9/11 conspiracy theories. And so it was with an appropriate level of respect and solemn regard for the occasion that Charlie Sheen spent an extra 45 seconds picking out which bowling shirt he would wear to the meeting. He stood in front of a full-length mirror and studied the flame-printed silk. It went perfectly with the cocaine residue caked around his nose, and the dark bags under his eyes after another restless night of avoiding examining the decisions he'd made in life. It was getting to be almost as exhausting to avoid examining those decisions as it would probably be to just face up to them and admit to himself that they were terrible. But avoid them he did!
"Daddy, look at my shirt!" Charlie Sheen said into his Bluetooth headset as he gently tugged at his penis through his ill-fitting Dockers.
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: Charlie Sheen's REAL Meeting With Barack Obama...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Barack Obama | Charlie Sheen | September 11th
latest by Up, Up, and Away!
After Jessica Biel finished up her morning Bikram yoga in her private roof-deck yoga studio, she kissed her yoga instructor on both cheeks and sent her off in a chartered helicopter. She made her way down to the kitchen, where her personal chef offered her a choice of three different smoothies. "I'll have the protein-infused wheat grass and caviar today," she said. The chef nodded, and poured the other two smoothies down the drain. "Oh," Jessica Biel said, "that seems wasteful. Perhaps in the future I should tell you what I want rather than waiting for you to present me with a variety of pre-made options, most of which will just be thrown away." Jessica Biel seemed like a nice enough person.
"Hey," her personal chef said, "when you decided to make I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, did I say anything?"
Jessica Biel shook her head.
"When you decided to strip in Powder Blue, which ended up basically being a straight-to-DVD release, did I say anything?"
Again, Jessica Biel shook her head. It was true that Jessica Biel had made some questionable career choices.
"So how about you let me handle the smoothie situation, Professor Snacks."
Jessica Biel smiled charmingly, shrugged charmingly, kissed her chef on both cheeks, and walked away. Her personal chef was kind of a jerk! Who knew?!
Continue reading You Can Make It Up: Jessica Biel Googles Herself...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Computers | Google | Jessica Biel | Screensaver | The Lawnmower Man
latest by Professor Push-Ups
