Keanu Reeves = Charlemagne (Because: Logic)
It's Monday morning, I haven't even had breakfast, and already my mind is blown? So it's going to be one of THOSE weeks. It's probably a good thing, though, that I haven't eaten anything yet today, you know? This is news that's better heard on an empty stomach. I mean, sure, the first two side-by-side pictures depicting Keanu Reeves's age-defying youthfulness could literally have been taken within 30 seconds of each other. There is no fact-checking department for Hilarious Homemade YouTube Videos About Famous Vampires. And, OK, that oil painting of Paul Mounet (because of how oil paintings are even better evidence than google image searches) doesn't even look like Keanu Reeves? But the point is that I am just being a naive sheep on his way to the slaughterhouse for my ignorance in the face of the Logical Truth because if Duh then Yup.
Keanu Reeves is also: Euripides, J. Robert Oppenheimer, and Eleanor Roosevelt. HELLO? Wake up! (Thanks for the tip, Elaine.)
Posted by Gabe at 9:30 AM in Where Were They Then?
Tags: Charlemagne | History | Immortality | Keanu Reeves | LOLk | The Truth Is Out There | Vampires
Woah.
Score = 41
This deserves more votes.
Score = 4
He's managed to keep his bus under 50 mph for a suspiciously long time.
MaximumLOLs.org on this one.
Score = 27
If he were immortal then how can you explain Johnny Mnemonic, or Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey? Wouldn't a man with his "perspective" (giggle) on history be prone to better choices?
And yes, My lolK fund just got my max allowable contribution for this pay period, thank you
Score = 6
How dare you include Bill & Ted in your indictment!
"I do not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!"
- Keanu Reeves, 1906
Score = 37
I liked the first one, but the second...
And I guess if we look at the first one, it isn't exactly considered a zenith in our country's cultural pantheon.
Score = 1
Lies! All lies!
Score = 5
Yeah, or how bout the fact that he OBVS just time travelled to those places and impersonated Charlemagne, not that he's immortal. Because that's just silly.
Score = 11
I DID notice a sports almanac in his pocket...
Score = 13
I didn't know this until now but apparently a Back to the Future II joke is my favourite kind of joke.
Score = 4
by that logic, my grandmother should have been the VP of TV Programming, in which case TV would only show 'murder she wrote,' stand-up from jackie mason and 'mcneil lehrer news hour.'
Score = 4
While I agree that the evidence is overwhelming,if he was in fact immortal you would have to assume that he could pull off a far more convincing British accent than he is actually capable of.
Score = 40
The greatest trick Keanu Reeves ever pulled was convincing the world he was bad at acting.
Score = 60
that was a very, very, very great trick.
so convincing!
Score = 5
Nah, see? His brain only holds 80gb. It ran out of room for accent knowledge several centuries ago. Like the Highlander or something.
Score = 6
I really enjoyed the timeline. If only the fine people at morphthing.com had known their wares would be used to prove(?) that Keanu Reeves is Jesus Christ... As opposed to normally, when they are used to morph Brangelina into one terrifying face.
Score = 11
the only way to know for sure would be to hack his brain
Score = 8
He's defs not Pliny the Elder, though. I saw the two of them talking at a Saturnalia a few years ago.
Score = 15
Little did we know that the curse of King Tut's tomb was actually A Walk in the Clouds.
Score = 18
If you crawl into the Lake House mailbox, it actually goes to Charlemagne's castle. Little known fact.
Score = 30
Wow, he's Jesus!? Who would've thought that? Not me, that's for sure.
Score = 1
Does this mean the wax-model school of acting is the result of an immortal's collection of wisdom?
Somebody dig up Larry Olivier and tell him he did it all wrong!
Score = 5
Thanks to Videogum, of course, I already have the tools to pretend that I am being sodomized by an icy undead Keanu Reeves.
But wait, if Keanu Reeves is a vampire, how come he's wearing a cross in this picture??
That concludes your Monday morning callback dump.
Score = 7
I feel like whoever made this video is the kind of person who would buy these...but also fear them.
Score = 3
Obviously the events in Prince of Pennsylvania prove this theory beyond any doubt. Also, Little Buddha.
Score = 3
Little Buddha is a definite contender for The Worst Movie of All Time.
Score = 3
I third that! When I went through my Buddhist phase I watched that movie. It was embarassing.
Score = 5
Here's another picture of Paul Mounet. I think a more likely candidate is Wilford Brimley, who was made immortal to warn the world of the perils of Diabetus. And to eat oatmeal.
Score = 12
"Ok, one just goofin' around....and great. Ok, ok, now you're serious. You're serious. OH, THERE IT IS."
Score = 4
Also this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io0BqClHuPE
So.... explain how this fits into the theory?
Score = 1
"Bear Jay! We have to go down to the bear's only cafe and talk bearsness."
Score = 0
I hope you weren't planning to eat cereal for breakfast, Gabe, because clearly there is no spoon.
Score = 10
I met Keanu Reeves at a pancake house once. He was filming the movie "Thumbsucker" in the city I grew up in, and he looked haggard as all get out.
But did I, even then, sense with a glimmering possibility that I was staring into the ageless, hungover eyes of an immortal man, a man who had seen the entirety of time, constantly influencing and shifting thought forward, embodying multiple personas to enlighten all humankind through each ideological shift in history?
No, not really. But he signed my napkin!
Score = 8
This video confirmed my suspicions all along: That Jesus was (is) a vampire, that Charlemagne is Jesus, and that Keanu Reeves is bad.
Score = 6
I knew I got something from that hickey Keanu gave me. But I thought it was just herpes.
Score = 1
I thought Videogum was the "fact-checking department for Hilarious Homemade YouTube Videos About Famous Vampires"
Score = 4
Wait, so Jesus was a bad actor?
Score = 2
Jesus is only cool cuz of his sweet special effects. Like the Matrix.
Score = 3
This goes without saying, I'm sure, but THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!1!!11!
there may also be some DORIAN GRAY SHIT afoot... but one can never be sure....
Score = 7
sidebar question: do people elsewhere on the internet (teh internetz) do the onesclamation points joke, or it just here on videogum? I love it, but every time I've tried to use it outside of this lovely terrarium, nobody gets it. I'm talking about the imitation of a 13 year old so feverishly pounding their "!" key that they lose the "shift" key and start typing 1s instead of all !s.
Score = 1
13 year olds... or Kanye West on his personal blog.
Synonyms?
Score = 0
Score = 17