Falcon Heene Was In The Attic, And Now He Is Puking On TV
The boy from the balloon, Falcon Heene, was in the attic the whole time! Uh oh! I mean, on the one hand, GREAT NEWS. The first thing that everyone in America wants is for Falcon Heene to be safe and sound. And he is. So we can all breathe our collective sigh of relief at that. But the second thing that everyone in America wants is to never be made to look the fool ever. We are not so lucky on that one. There is something noble in our immediate (our?) reaction and expansive rescue effort, but you have to admit that it feels a little silly when you discover that the boy was just in the goddamn garage the whole time. Richard Heene, Falcon's father, is claiming that Falcon had hidden in the attic because he, Richard, had yelled at him. OK. "It's a dad, they yell." Although, Falcon has never seemed to give that explanation, I don't think?
No, Falcon has a whole different explanation, and it is sending shockwaves through the Heene household:
Things really started to unravel for the Heenes early yesterday evening when the Heenes appeared on the Situation Room and Falcon dropped this precious gem:
Huh? "We did this for the show"? That IS suspicious! (Although the good news is that 2009 finally has its new catchphrase. Sorry, "Chaos Reigns.") Now the police want to talk to Richard Heene as a suspect in a Great Hoax? Reasonable. I mean, the man is a lucky man because his son did not plummet to his death from a magical alien balloon in the afternoon sky. So already he is ahead on points. But there are definitely some questions that professionals should ask him about who knew what when.
This morning, the Heenes were on the Today show, and that is when Falcon Heene threw up into what appears to be a tupperware container? A very low-walled Tupperware container. Yikes. All I know is that if I ever have kids, I am going to get them something very tall and comfortable to vomit into when we are being interviewed on a national morning news show about one of my child's disappearances into space. Vomiting begins around 5:50:
Uh...this is ALSO a very strange interview. Again, who knows. I am not trying to place this Richard Heene under a wooden board and then pile suspicion and psychological trauma on top until he is crushed under the weight of being a witch. But, like, at the end when he says "we never expected so many people to help us out"? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just sleepy and wants to clean his child's puke from his trousers, because otherwise one could extrapolate and surmise that they did expect some people to help them out when they were PLANNING THIS, just not that many people. I'm sure it was a slip of the tongue. Also, he yells at Falcon too much? It's almost as if he is trying to portray himself as a child abuser just to escape suspicion of having perpetrated a hoax.
But I digress!
Here is Richard Heene in another interview with the press last night on his porch, and when the questions push him towards reliving the events of the day he has a very ADULT HUMANOID MALE STANDARDIZED MANUAL EMOTIONAL-REACTIVE RESPONSE THAT NO ALIEN ROBOT COULD EVER REPRODUCE.
Again, I am going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He just almost lost his boy in a spaceship of his own design. Unless he planned the whole thing for attention, in which case he didn't ever even come close to losing anything in nothing. But I think it is a dangerous thing when the outside world starts imposing its cultural standards on what is or is not an appropriate emotional response. And for the most part he actually does react the way one expects a father should, even if the reaction is delivered with the slight air of a ham-fisted third-market basic cable telenovella. But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, which is why I'm not even going to talk about THAT HAIRCUT. Not today. Be with your family, sir. Your complete, totally alive, somewhat covered in puke and acting very strangely to be completely honest family.
Posted by Gabe at 9:30 AM in Where Are They Now?
Tags: Balloons | Children | Falcon Heene | Hoaxes | Richard Heene
I hope these people all get arrested.
Score = 13
All America is like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fw8_xvLj-4
Score = 1
I don't like you
Score = -9
I have a question: is it that easy to get massive quantities of helium? Because I'm guessing you need lots and lots of helium when you are keeping your giant homemade mylar balloon on standby at all times in your backyard.
Score = 11
Maybe the family just saw Up a few dozen times too many this summer?
Score = 9
or maybe it's some sort of Warhol-inspired (mylar balloons!) postmodern performance piece in which an asshole family uses the media to make us all look at ourselves being assholes at obsessing over the media because we care about the well-being of a six-year-old boy. Well done, Heene family.
Score = 19
“We did this for the show?” Whoah. What’s the word for what that thing that family is really deep in now? Can you remind me, Falcon?
Oh right, thanks.
Score = 39
THAT BETTER BE CHOCOLATE SAUCE.
Score = 17
I would've accepted a patented urkel "did I do that?" over a "we did this for the show". If were dad, I'd create a show called son-swap
Score = 14
Yes, if your kindergartener can't keep up with a simple scheme of lying to the entire country, then it's time to upgrade.
Score = 41
we finally found a worse actor than Nicholas Cage.
RICHARD HEENE.
Score = 13
The fame whore parental units should be tossed out of hot air balloons.
Score = 3
I bet the family told him to puke on camera too. Trying to get some sympathy after their lie was exposed. Disgraceful!
Score = 6
I would hide in the garage if my name was Falcon.
Maybe it's ironic that the family will be doing a lot of hiding from now on?
Score = 5
Why the heck is he crying in the last video/post-incident. My answer, something was lost: his soul. Baby Jesus, please create a real hell and cast this Mr. into it.
Score = 0
Umm, did anyone else see his reaction to the vomiting? Anyone?
I don't think his programmer installed the chip to deal with vomiting.
Score = 10
"First of all, let's clarify... He's six." As the father of a six year-old, I know that kids that age do not have the ability to make up convoluted stories of parental scheming. What they will do is tell you what they think you want to hear. If you ask if they washed their hands, they say yes, even if they didn't actually wash. It's not an issue of truth; they are trying to please. Falcon answered the very important TV man's question in the best way he knew how, with as much information as he could.
Falcon has now been taught the valuable lesson that his dad sucks and will brand his son a liar rather than take responsibility for his own failures. Way to throw your kid under the bus, dad. Have fun at dinner, in JAIL.
Score = 40
I am not a parent, but as someone that has worked with a fair few kids, i've got to say that i respectfully disagree. i have caught a couple of them in some pretty elaborate lies. Down right mean spirited lies, In fact. As a naive jerk of a kid, i can also recall a few tall tales that got some people into trouble. But kids can be weasley jerks.That's all i'm saying. Your kid is probably just an intrinsically good natured child that would never think of using his power of imagination for evil.
I'm not saying that it isn't a hoax, mind you. I'm just saying, don't underestimate some of these kids. Did you guys see Orphan? Falcon might not even be a kid! We don't know!
Score = 3
6 year olds can lie their faces off. I am a parent of a 4 year old, and the other day at preschool, I was shooting hoops with my kid when a classmate came up and told me she didn't have a daddy. She said he died and that he was up in heaven, but watching her so she wasn't sad. I didn't know what to say, so I patted her on the head and said something noncommittal and let her shoot a free-throw.
I told her teacher about it and how awkward it was. The teacher said, "What? Her parents are both doctors and they're both very much alive." At age 4.
Score = 2
BALLOON BOY LIVES!!!
Best CCN icon EVER.
Score = 9
Yikes! I could only watch a few minutes in. Now that I know he's safe I say good day to this family.
Score = 2
I've got something to say! Isn't it odd how everyone pretty much knows this guy is full of shit and this is NOT AT ALL how a normal person would react to this situation (ya know, when normal people build space-craft-like balloons that their children may or may not accidentally fly off in) but everyone is too polite to say it? Even the reporters are all, "Well, I have to ask but, like, I still totally believe you, Mr. Heene, because no one in their right mind...oh, wait." Maybe we should all just live in the world of Ricky Gervais's imaginings. "Paula Abdul--go to rehab, you drug addict. Creepy Heene, you're a lying sociopath--jail! Lady Gaga, we get it, you like attention, now would you please calm down? Topher Grace, we're keeping an eye on you."
Score = 29
Also, I wish that the last video wouldn't play automatically when I load the page because his voice is going to be in my nightmares (again).
Score = 22
Combined score of 43. If only you'd done it in one post, you'd be on your way to the Ball.
Score = 0
Where are the experts from Lie to Me when America really needs them?!?!?
Score = 17
Seriously, Paul Ekman/Tim Roth could solve this right-quick. Love it when they cut to politicos/celebrities who're lying liars.
Score = 2
Shit's ridiculous.
As a previous resident of the mountains and foothills of CO, I want to clarify that these people live WAY out East in the Plains. Basically Kansas.
On behalf of the rocky region of CO, we'll take credit for Marvin Heemayer, the man who constructed the Killdozer, but please know this WifeSwap Family come from the plains. Those awful, boring plains.
Score = 6
I can't wait for them to go on Cam'ron's talk show! (Cam'ron has a talk show right? In the 10 PM time slot, probably.)
Falcon: "We did it for a show."
Cam'ron: "Boy, stop snitchin! Dad, you mad!"
Score = 8
Not to be shallow (but IMHO, this story is bulloney)...but can we please talk about Richard Heene and his David Charvet c.1992 haircut, please?
Score = 10
OMG. Thank you! I used to have such a crush on that guy *swoon* I saw a Sketchers ad the other day, where he showcases his pretty Brooke Burke wife and perfect kids, and he's sort of sporting the same haircut without the same striking results.
Score = 0
Except not as DREAMY!
Score = 2
I thought we were staunchly anti-prankz here at the 'gum? These kids aren't pussified. They can take some accosting.
Score = 3
Maybe the kid is throwing up because he's been on tv the entire time after this happened!
Poor thing didn't even get a night's sleep. They were on NBC's Today show at 5:50am. Now please convert to local Colorado time. It's 3:50am. Geez.
A part of me wants to give this people the benefit of the doubt that they wouldn't tell their six year-old son about a hoax because kids that age can't really keep things secret and he would had undoubtedly caved into the pressure and constant scrutiny.
Score = 0
And no, Mr. and Mrs. Heene, you have not taken the "Worst Parents inThe World" title from Jon & Kate. You need to try harder.
Score = -2
What's up with that video they released this morning that supposedly shows the whole family around the balloon at the time of its "accidental" release? I thought the story was that the parents were in the house when the 6-year old climbed in and untethered balloon.
And the part in the 1st interview when Wolfie is pestering the dad to ask the kid why he said they did it for the show is one of the most sphincter-clinching moments I've ever seen on TV. I imagine the whole family had a high-pitched ringing in their ears for the rest of the interview.
Score = 0
Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djz3i-ZjC64
I can't understand what the dad is saying. It's like "Are you in there?" But it doesn't sound like they're yelling Falcon's name.
Whatever.
Score = 0
I guess he's yelling something about the tether?
Score = 0
Um...why are we giving them the benefit of the doubt again?
Score = 6
it doesn't take a scientist to figure this out, people.
Fact 1) if you run and hide when your dad yells at you, you are a pussy
Fact 2) Falcon [ugh] is certainly no pussy. He proved that in song
Conclusion: this had to be a stunt
Score = 16
I'm going out on a limb and assuming stepfathers are a different story, right?
Score = 1
All i know is that all this news coverage makes me want to fly to work in a helium air balloon! Well played Mr.Henne!
Score = 2
No, we can be shallow. But I think the look is more bloated, leathery Rider Strong:
Score = 13
Clearly the Heene's aren't Videogum fans because then they would have known as Gabe often explains," Pranks are the worst. Always."
Score = 0
Something tells me that Gabe's gonna be ok with that. On the other hand, if he found out Gwyneth didn't read...
Score = 3
hey, my name is kira, too!
Score = 0
Dad had a perfectly good explanation after Wolf Blitzer asked what "we did it for the show" meant.
"...When he wants candy ... we say no and ... he starts to fall behind the other boys"
Whuuuuuuut?
Score = 14
I'm sorry -- I really won't know what to think about this story until ClassyMingle weighs in.
Score = 21
Sorry to burst your bubble, but ClassyMingle packed up and left after learning that everyone here has a boyfriend already.
Score = 11
Has Jamie Foxx broken his silence on this yet?
Score = 1
Damn the "media" for forcing this man and his family to go on every TV show and news station. Damn them to hell!!!
Score = 4
What I don't understand is how they could have had this three county manhunt for the kid and never bother to check the garage.
Score = 7
My favorite part of the Wolfie interview is Falcon's juicy fart right after his dad's weak "man..."
Score = 2
Shouldn't a family of mad scientists have known that a 20' mylar balloon wouldn't be able to support the weight of a 6-year-old?
Also, he finds the time to squeeze in promotions for his invention in between his heavy, emotional jabber. At least he seems to be a diligent student in the Glenn Beck School of Crocodile Tears.
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=8329916
Score = 0
1. Send Heene father a bill for the rescue attempts.
2. Ban him to a region where there's no TV.
Score = 0
1. Send Heene father a bill for the rescue attempts.
2. Banish him to a region where there's no TV.
Score = 0