America Says, "Just Fucking Put Some Vampires In It"
It's probably been official for awhile, but now it is extra official: America will gobble up any all kind of bullshit as long as you just put some vampires in it. We know this! But now we really know this! From Vulture:
Roughly 3.7 million people tuned into the season-two premiere of True Blood on Sunday night, making it the most-watched program on the network since the series finale of The Sopranos back in June 2007.
Ugh. At least the Twilight machine is powered largely by teenagers. These are adults watching this show! And here's the thing: this was the SEASON 2 premiere episode. We, as a nation, already had 12 really solid reasons not to watch this show. I could understand if America's insatiable thirst (get it? Pultizer Prizes) for vampire shows resulted in overwhelming ratings for the first episode of True Blood season 1. Sure. Tune in! Check it out! Whoops, it's terrible! See you later! But this? This is is just dismal. A genuinely awful episode of an already terrible show got higher ratings than season 5 of The Wire and the first season of Eastbound and Down? It got better ratings than Will Ferrell's Broadway special You're Welcome, America: An Evening with George W. Bush and two full seasons of Flight of Conchords? You shame me/us, America.
"It's terrible."
"Well does it have vampires in it?"
"I guess."
"THEN PUT IT IN MY EYES."
America ain't care. Bleh.
Posted by Gabe at 4:30 PM in What America Wants
Tags: HBO | Idiocracy | True Blood | Vampires
Further proof that we're like 5 fuckin years away from Idiocracy.
It's probably because people think Vampires are sexy to look at or some shit.
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You've changed
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How THE FUCK have I changed?
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I agree you have changed. Your posts just aren't the same. Granted I don't find them offensive or morally reprehensible anymore. But, memories!
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WHAT THE FUCK do you mean by that? I'M SORRY I'm not apparently up to YOUR FUCKIN level but I've been busy workin on my goddamned novel so my broke ass can still raise my kids, ASSHOLE.
When times get easier maybe I'll give a shit about PUTTING YOU KIDDOS IN YOUR PLACES. Besides, you SHEFUCKINPLE just laugh and high five each other with your great political and religious "ideas" so if I EVEN TRY to bring anything to this shitty POKER TABLE you just ram your fingers in your fatears and go LA-LI-LU-LE-LO so whats the DAMNED POINT???!
UGH.
Well, I've been looking for some names for a couple of PUSSYDICKS in my novel and I think "Spooky Ghost" and "schmooner" are going to do real damn nicely.
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That's more like it.
You're correct, I am a pussydick.
But can I still read your novel when it's done? It doesn't even matter what it's about.
[What's it about?]
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Its a vampire novel.
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FUCK THAT vampire nonsense. I refuse to put that shit in my novel. And yeah you'll get to read it. I'm thinking about posting some MUTHAFUCKINTEASERS on this site every once in awhile.
And the plot is kinda about the America Revolution, but that shit only be the beginning. IT'S GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND.
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I'm sure, if you look in to it, Wishbone already did whatever you're doing with the American Revolution.
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WISHBONE ain't gonna have shit on the DESTRUCTION I'm laying down, BOBBLEHEAD.
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Awesome. I'll keep an eye out for anything called "THIS is my MUTHAFUKIN book NEEDLEDICKS, fucking redcoats FUCKED BUTT"
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Way to spell! You win the Spelling bee!
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And I now have to once again lower my standards for modern society. It's gotta reach rock bottom some time soon, right?
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http://brooklynskeptic.wordpress.com/2009/06/15/true-blood-season-2/ - uhhhh....grandpa munster is the new spokesman for true blood it would seem.
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I'm still trying to pinpoint how an economic recession lends itself to romantic vampire lore. I've come up empty every time. Ow, papercut!
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Has Gabe not been living in America for the past 15 years? He does know GWB got elected AFTER we already had a taste of four years of his administration right? Does he have a terrible disease? Is he the boy in the bubble? Someone needs to familiarize him with American standards before what's left of his sweet little heart ends-up a cynical membrane or scar tissue. Oh wait. Fuck it. Too late.
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GWB was elected cause he seemed a lot chiller than THAT MONSTER FROM THE MUNSTERS and we all just really wanted to have a fuckin beer with him.
And i'm not even gonna WASTE ME TIME, by golly, giving you the real reasons we elected him.
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Speak for yourself, weirdo. The fact that you vote based on who you want to get drunk with speaks volumes about you. And you use the word "chiller" so if you don't mind, go get hit by a bus.
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CHILLER? Maybe I did but I don't remember that shit. STOP CYBER STALKING ME ya creepazoid!
Also, when the fuck am I going to get hit by a bus? I'm unemployed you asshole. And I ONLY DRIVE when I'm coming and going TO YOUR MOM'S HOUSE.
Oh and that's no THE ONLY FUCKIN REASONi voted on him. He promised a smaller government that didn't INVADE every aspect of your life and didn't fuckin reward buisness for fucking over the joe the plumbers and what ever other assholes are out there BECAUSE OMG THEY'RE TOO BIG TO FAIL. That's bullshit.
This is a capitalist country where if you pull SHITTY BUSINESS PRACTICES you deserve to fail, too big or not.
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good to see you got your caps lock back in working order.
godspeed.
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wut?
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"THEN PUT IT IN MY EYES."
Jesus Gabe, what is this: EndlessNightmareFuelgum?
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One could say the same about your avatar.
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Anna Paquin might have something to do with it.
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Sorry to say this Gabe, but you're part of the reason I watch. Reading your recaps the next day is the icing on the True Blood cake (or should I say, the pecans on the pecan pudding pie?)
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Only one network could have the worst and best shows on television...because it's not television, it's HBO.
I don't think True Blood is THAT bad. It's bad in a funny-kind-of-way but not in a take-itself-seriously-kind-of-way.
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Whoa whoa whoa you guys. Hold the phone here. This isn't just another "stupid vampire show" here. This is a show about Southern vampires. It is highly original, and frankly I could see no better project for Alan Ball to ruin his Six Feet Under legacy with.
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Vampires are so played out! Can't we move on to werewolves or something? It's time to shut it down on vampire shit. With the exception of Let The Right One In http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=let+the+right+one+in&x=0&y=0 (it's awesome, also from Sweden so maybe that has something to do with it.) there hasn't been a good vampire movie since. . . like. . . the Hammer movies and those are mostly funny more than scary.
I'm rooting for the new Wolfman with Benicio del Toro to get us out of this rut. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780653/
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Werewolves are pretty played out too, as are zombies. Mark my words, mummies are the wave of the future.
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yeah, wolfman should be awsome, wait...or the other thing um......blow, yeah that movie is gonna fucking blow......
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All this vampire talk is making me want to go home and have a big bowl of Count Chocula.
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WHY THE HELL is this post downvoted??
Kenny, YOU HAVE the American UPVOTE.
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Forget the cereal, I'm more interested in those monster stamps. Fun!
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Thats some vintage count chocula there.
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Paul Blart: Vampire. It would be the most successful movie/tv show of all time.
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Actually, make that Paul Blart: Vampire Cop and I think you have a franchise.
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Paul Blart: Vampire Cop. Written by Seth McFarlane, with special guest star Spencer Pratt.
It's what America wants.
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As an aside: Is it just me, or does Alan look almost exactly like Ricky Gervais?
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That would be Alan Ball. Gah.
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Give the baby (America) it's bottle (vampires).
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You've got a point, Gabe, but don't forget the failure of Coke: Vampire.
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There are two reasons people watch True Blood. That chick from Mean Girls who was naked alot in front of bad CGI is my reason (though I did not/will not be tuning in to season 2). The second is that while adults purchase HBO, their kids watch it. I watched Eastbound and Down alone every week despite begging people to check it out. True Blood has that built in Entourage audience I think that likes mediocre sitcom crap with the HBO facelift. And not that you can blame 'em either cos the HBO facelift is pretty dazzling compared to most other things on tv. But I'm still not at all surprised people are running with it in a way that they didn't with The Wire.
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Though I had no intention of ever watching it, the fact that Lizzy Caplan is naked in it does make me kick myself.
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I'm assuming that "kick myself" is some sort of euphemism.
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No; I kick myself in the balls before masturbating.
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I appreciate the proper use of semi-colon. Well done.
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I am nothing if not a slave to grammar.
And freakish self-pleasure techniques, but you already just learned that.
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Um, True Blood fucking owns.
And I loved The Wire, so.
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anonymous is right you know because if you love the wire... and you watch true blood... then... it fucking owns.
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I'm confused. So... since you enjoyed The Wire, that legitimizes all of your tastes?
I hate how The Wire has become an excuse for people to pretend they're socially aware. As if enjoying what is probably the best show that's ever aired somehow makes them a fucking Rhodes Scholar of inner-city strife, law enforcement philosophy and city politics. Barf.
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Sorry, that last part wasn't directed towards anonymous. Just a side note.
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The CW is following the success of Twilight with a new vamp tv show too
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this show sucks.
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"True Brains" on Starz:
Thanks to a Japanese scientist's invention of synthetic brains, zombies have progressed from legendary monsters to fellow citizens overnight. And while humans have been safely removed from the menu, many remain apprehensive about these creatures "getting into the house." Religious leaders and government officials around the world have chosen their sides, but in the small North Dakotan town of Fargo, the jury is still out.
Local waitress Bookcase Lundegaard (Ellen Page), however, knows how it feels to be an outcast. "Cursed" with the ability to listen in on people's thoughts, she's also open-minded about the integration of zombies — particularly when it comes to Joel Gustafson (Lance Reddick), a handsome undead living up the road. But at the service of Joel's less virtuous zombie associates, Bookcase is drawn into a series of catastrophes that will put their love to the test.
The latest hit series from 'Alias' writer Alex Kurtzman, 'True Brains' delves into the meticulously-crafted world of novelist Eli Roth. Described by the International Fantasy Film Award-Nominee Roth as "Wait, they like vampires? shit." the first season of ‘True Brains' caused an overnight sensation — and the new installments only build on his colorful cast of supernatural misfits.
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I'm gonna just wait for Fox's Tru Blud: The Animated Series instead. I heard they got Mark Hamil to voice Sookie's nemesis, the Leprechaun.
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You had me at Bookcase Lundegaard.
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PUT IT IN MY EYES is my new favorite Gabeism
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I love HBO's line up. Eastbound and Down, The Wire, Entourage, Flight of the Concords, their 24/7 thing with boxers, and True Blood. The best part of True Blood though is reading your commentary the next day, and some with Lost(although not HBO).
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who can blame hbo? i mean, really? after a shows about sex, whores, the mafia, rich women in nyc, another show about whores,world war II, drug dealers, prison, porn stars (whores), boxing, cab rides, dead people, politics, polygamy and Mr Show, what were they supposed to do?
duh, vampires.
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I still can't believe they gave Anna Paquin a Golden Globe for this crap. They should take it back. And her Oscar, too, while they're at it.
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here's the trick to watching (and, yes, enjoying) True Blood: drink plenty of wine before, during and after AND pretend (or acknowledge, depending on who you are) that it's a comedy. my wife and i honestly thought "NO ONE NEEDED TOWELS!" was one of the funniest fucking lines we've heard on TV since 30 Rock ended this season. lighten up, y'all
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Granted Paquin is overrated, but really? You have to be an idiot to like this show? Then crown me Queen Moron because this is one of my favorite shows on tv right now.
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I realize that hyperbolic negativity is a lot more fun to write, but don't you think you're being a little harsh? TRUE BLOOD is far from perfect, but once you get past Alan Ball's soap boxing (a skill picked up from years of watching SIX FEET UNDER), it's a pretty fun camp-horror show. It lacks the depth of other HBO greats, but that's hardly a reason to discount the show. And calling it one of the worst shows on television, well that suggests that you either don't watch enough television, or that you're just a geek who doesn't want something with all that kissin' to be so popular.
In all serious, genre fans should take the success of TRUE BLOOD to be a fucking great thing. Execs at HBO will be far more willing to greenlight genre television now. Imagine a show with the artistic value of LOST or BATTLESTAR produced with the creative freedom HBO offers their show-runners. It'll be a good time to be alive, kids.
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Totes.
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i totally understand your sentiment about genre television, and i hope that proves to be the case but i really can't even sit through the show. it really is more offensive than alot of the mindless crap out there because it pretends to be "about" something. yet there it is: bad acting... sloppy storytelling... so heavy handed.... and yes, so much creepy softcore.... blech.
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Oh, come on. You know you love it! If it weren't so fun to begin with, what would you put in your recaps? It's not trying to be a serious drama. Vampires... they're funny. That's why we watch!
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I dont know. I will believe Americans will watch any Vampire-related fare when "Let the Right One In" becomes a sensation. When Americans are watching vampires in Swedish we will know... the vampires have won. Until then, we are simply provincial vampiphiles.
Seriously, though. True Blood is bad.
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Great DracSearch reference! BLEH
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i'm only using dracula search from now on. wow.
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Maybe you can look at this from a realistic and more positive point of view. People, most people I like to think, including me, just watch this show for the hot sex and for Lafayette. Most people probably tuned in to see specifically what happens to Lafayette. I think it's safe to assume that everyone can see this show has lots of flaws in many, many ways, but meh. There's redeeming qualities.
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The fact that everyone is talking about this show means there is something there. I (shamefully) read all the books at the beach last summer and if you think it is ridiculous now, wait until the werewolves, fairies, demons, and witches show up. I think there are a number of reason people watch this show and vampires are only one. This post is way off. I basically watched it for the nudity, but eventually started comparing the plot to the books. Now I make sure to watch it every week...but...it has nothing to do with vampires.
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Ugh I just wish we, as a society, were capable of coming up with some other metaphorical figure to represent "the Other" than vampires. We get itttttt they are not like us, and are scary but somehow sexy! It is getting so old. So what, now vampires are the thinly-veiled euphemisms for the misunderstood minorities in America AND/OR the new mythological poster-children for abstinence?? Bravo, America. Bram Stoker is mad he didn't think of it first.
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so this explains why vampire weekend became famous.
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wat is ur guyses prob;em? vampire fantasy r popular. big deal
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