Kirstie Alley To Legally Change Her Name To "Nom Nom Nom"
Hahahaha. Unbelievable. I am willing to believe that impulse control is a serious enough problem for some people to the point of needing professional help. And I recognize that the human body comes in all shapes and sizes and that some of those sizes are more difficult to regulate than others. Moreover, we live in a society of over-consumption and selfish indulgence, where immediate gratification is a virtue, and the constant pursuit of "more" is a national pasttime. It takes a certain amount of restraint and willful resistance to balance between what we actually need or even want and what we are constantly told we must have right now. OK. But JESUS CHIRST, KIRSTIE ALLEY, YOU NEED TO GET A GRIP NOW. She was just on Oprah less than two months ago looking like Pizza the Hut (no offense, that's a clinical term from real hospitals) and trying to position herself as the emblematic spokesperson for Future Biggest Loser Contestants everywhere. It was, I am told, by the internet, a touchingly honest and open admission of genuine weakness. But now that outpouring of humanity has been trampled beneath the weight of Kirstie Alley's stomping elephant hooves (I'm a scientist, and I know what things are called) as they STAMPEEEEEEEEEEEEDE to the nearest Sonic for a FREE ROOT BEER FLOAT PUT IT IN MY BODY FUUUUUUUUCK.
Kirstie Alley. National hero.
Posted by Gabe at 5:00 PM in WebJunk
Tags: Food | Kirstie Alley | Obesity | Sonic | Twitter
@kirstiealley ur caps r on, btw
Score = 24
How the FUCK did we come to a point where someone can be a celebrity simply by the mind-blowing ability to fuckin PILE ON SOME POUNDS and then drop that shit off when a company pays her to?!? It's like a Marvel reject.
HOW IS THAT A SKILL!? I mean, shit. Kids in Africa can't eat, and yet we all line up to hear this bitch's sob story of "I eat so much! Oh no!" AND THEN WE JUMP ON THIS TRAIN TO CRAZYVILLE!!! WHY?!? This story is played out and DONE. Get a fuckin hold of yourself, America. Lest Kirstie Alley eat us all in a bid to outdo herself.
Score = -9
she was a main character on cheers, the greatest sitcom ever created, for 11 years. you know, just in case you forgot. not to defend america's obsession with a celebrity's pannus or anything, but come on.
Score = 13
FUCK. Apparently I'm a fuckin idiot and can't hit the reply button. See below.
Score = -3
That second sentence is your first ever statement that I actually agree with!
Score = 10
If it makes Kirstie Alley this happy to be fat, she should just be fat and be done with it. Do what makes you feel good, Kirstie. You go get yourself a float girl, you're worth it.
Score = 43
I'm fairly sure she can technically be considered a float herself.
Homonym, bitch!
Score = 2
I choose to believe this is satire from Kirstie.
I'm wrong, of course, but this is what I choose to believe.
Score = 13
Just like I am choosing to believe that this is satire from Gabe. Otherwise, I'd cry myself to sleep tonight. Or, more likely, drink a few free floats to drown my sorrows. Emotional eating!
Score = 7
Fat chick displaying typical fat chick behavior. Wake me when there's a story (I'm a douchebag displaying typical douchebag behavior).
Score = 22
FETTUCINI!
Score = 19
I'm expecting an update in a few hours: "Just got a root beer float from every Sonic in America. Then I ate every Sonic in America."
Score = 3
I know THAT. But that'd done. Gone. Irrelevant. There ain't some MTV show where teenagers are high-fiving each other talking about CHEERS! No, I LOVE CHEERS on VH1. WE HAVE FINISHED WITH CHEERS, YA'LL.
And I'd be fine with that, if America was willing to sit around and talk about how great she was in Cheers. NOPE. This isn't "Kirstie Alley To Legally Change Her Name To "Cheers was FUCKIN AWESOME." This is an oh look BITCH BE FAT AND DOING FAT STUFF post. Because how is she famous now? Because she gets fat. And ya'll are fat enablers. You and sonic, sitting in a boat, talking about how you're enabling fat. Disgusting.
Score = -13
Personally I consider this a public service announcement, because much like the distinguished Liz Lemon I went to the gym today and I deserve a treat.
Maybe you could eat a root beer float too, and it would make you less of an angry.
Score = 21
and here's the essential problem with America's relationship with food. When you boil it down, we regard it as a reward. Reward for exercising, making it through a bad day, being alive....
I'm a lady, I have my own issues with body image and (specifically) cupcakes... but I agree with gabe on this one. America needs to slow their roll on WHY we're eating, and start thinking about what we actually need. Running to the Sonic for a free float is yet another example of creating a costly (financially and environmentally) supply for an unnecessary demand.
Now, excuse me as I huff and puff my way off of this soap box.
Score = 3
Liz Lemon did not go to the gym. "I planned on going to the gym today so I deserve a treat." That line she said was funny because it showed her weakness for snacks and her lack of commitment to workout. You know she won't go to the gym.
Score = -1
you really think the only reason this post is here is because she is fat? my cousin is much much more fat, and i don't see anything on here about her late-night ice cream twitters. this is here because "once famous sitcom star has turned dieting into a rollercoaster and she is taking america for a ride."
the fact is, america loves to see it's STARS and IDOLS (notice the words we choose to appropriate these people) fail miserably. this very blog is exhibit A in my argument. this blog isn't about fat people, it is about fat people that we all know and can ridicule. we can all gather in a glorious union of contempt and scorn.
Score = 4
THANK YOU! Goddamn, that is what I'm saying. Did you read the first post? I'm wondering how the fuckz we got to the point where someone stays in the news soley for gaining weight and losing it!
Yeah, she overcomes obstacles and shit but fuck the fuckin shit, America. You want her to lose weight so she can gain it again. Why does this keep someone in the news? WHY ARE WE THIS FUCKIN PATHETIC?!? It's not that this post is here because she's fat. This post is here because Kirstie goddamned Alley is fat. AGAIN. As American's, we have become addicted to Kirstie's fat, and I call for a War on Kirstie's Fat IMMEDIATELY.
Score = -5
i think i like you a lot. i guess i kinda agree with you. and i think we can carry that war over to heidi and spencer's fake boobs and goat beards, hugh jackman's pee pants, michael bay's tiny penis, and al roker's joker face. but then i guess gabe would have nothing left to write about, and all we would have here videos of kittens and shit.
Score = 1
American Patriot? More like American Hate-riot. If you don't love Kirstie Alley, you don't love America. Communist.
Score = 5
You fuckin kidding me? I'm a HUGE Kirstie Alley fan circa '87. The horrible, sinful things I would have done to that woman!
I spent a shit ton of my teenage years asking for forgiveness over those goddamned thoughts; nearly cut my arm off cause they WERE THAT INTENSE OF SEXUAL FANTASIES. I don't want to even get into it. I just wish I could be allowed to just remember her as that, not some bloated ass balloon fuckin up my shit.
Score = 0
Now when you say you're a "huge" Kirstie Alley fan, do you mean you are also a little on the chunky side? Or that you really admire and appreciate her work as an actress/fat person?
Score = 4
Shit, son. Maybe I'm not in the pristine, sexy shape I used to be in since the whore left me for that son of bitch, but I DAMNED SURE wouldn't call myself huge. Fuck, I wouldn't be commenting on the sorry state of our weight obsession as a society if I WAS A GODDAMNED HIPPO, TIPTOEING FROM ROOM TO ROOM.
I'm just a big fan of her work as an actress.
Score = -2
"I spent a shit ton of my teenage years asking for forgiveness over those goddamned thoughts; nearly cut my arm off cause they WERE THAT INTENSE OF SEXUAL FANTASIES."
Ha ha. Asking for forgiveness from who? And clearly you and Kirstie have quite a history together... so, sorry to be a dick. But LET'S TRY TO GET A HANDLE ON figuring out when to use CAPS LOCK.
Score = 3
Jesus.
Score = 0
I have no idea how you're still around (I figured you'd be gone way before now), but thank you for "fat enabler." I've been wondering what I should call all those people I know who cook wonderful food!
Score = 17
I personally have no problem being a fat enabler, celebrity or otherwise.
Score = 4
I like root beer floats!
Score = 16
Boo, Gabe.
Score = 18
I know right?
this criticism from a healthy, attractive man in his mid to late 50s.
Score = 9
i love you for your username and picture.
Score = 0
Just let her have her free rootbeer float! I couldn't care less how big or small people are!
Score = 8
So we're just making fun of her cause she's fat..?
Score = 16
She's not fat. She's a fat WOMAN. DUHHHHHHH
Score = 16
Yeah, Gabe showed her real good.
Score = 9
I don't understand, is Kirstie Alley the asshole here or Gabe?
Score = 12
I know--she kindly alerted people to free Root Beer Floats: he apparently combs Twitter to make fun of fat people.
Score = 15
Frankly, I don't think this is nearly as bad as the time Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long's career.
Score = 7
Good job recycling a joke from FAMILY GUY
Score = 0
You know, I've never seen the joke on Family Guy, which actually makes this more depressing: I had the same comic thought as Seth McFarlane. Ugh.
Score = 0
What a twat
Score = 2
A fat celebrity who has made quite an effort to publicize her weight struggles making an ALL CAPS PLEA for people to get a fucking Root Beer Float?! I'm sorry, that's hilarious. It's great that people are sensitive to making fun of fat people, but this is completely onside. This is like JJ Walker tweeting "Everyone run down to Popeye's and get your free slice of watermelon!!!" I'll take stereotypes in the corner square for the win, Tom.
Score = 5
Who hates on people that tell you about free root beer floats? Lame, Gabe.
Score = 7
I hope all of you people who are defending overeating aren't also the people who support government run health care, because I don't think the rest of us who have enough willpower to stop stuffing our faces when we're full should have to pay for all the health costs associated with obesity.
Some people are naturally hefty, that's fine, nothing wrong with that. Others have no willpower and would rather have that extra piece of cake everyday then live long enough to see their children graduate college. Kristie Alley is one of those people.
Score = -2
Oh please.
Score = 5
If that's the case, then the rest of us shouldn't have to pay to help people deal with their anorexia or bulimia problems either. Or I guess any addictions seeing as how it's all everyone's own damn fault.
Score = 5
Isn't it funny how fat people are fat???????
Score = 5
nice! i'm gonna make my own blog
Score = 0