What To Do Between Now And July 1, 2011
Michael Bay has announced on his website that not only will he be shooting a third Transformers movie (FILE UNDER: no doy) with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf reprising their roles as the two people in the world who understand what the fuck is going on, but that the movie is being fast-tracked to come out a year earlier than previously scheduled, on July 1, 2011. Oh good! From Reuters:
"Well, it's official: We have a great 'Transformers 3' story," Bay said on his Web site. "Today is Day One."
I'm sure! I'm sure that it's one of the best stories. "And the robot with the Truck Nutz goes bleep blop bloop and the other robot is like PUNCH IN FACE and now there is a fire. Are those missles?" You know, story-telling.
But July 1, 2011 is still a pretty long ways away. So what should you do to pass the time until this wonderful movie finally gets here?
- Read some books about human beings dealing with realistic and comprehensible dramatic conflicts.
- Watch some movies that have realistic human relationships, and no characters played by the guy who does voice over work for "In a world..." trailers.
- Talk to your friends about things you actually care about!
- Raise your children!
- Drive around in cars that don't turn into shit.
- Just generally enjoy the lightness and beauty of an innocent world that does not yet know of Transformers 3
Unless you're actually excited about this movie. In which case you can also add the following activity:
- Revisit your priorities in an attempt to figure out and address what is wrong with them
Can't hardly wait! (Can hardly wait, and also can just regular wait.)
Posted by Gabe at 3:30 PM in Wait For It...
Tags: Megan Fox | Michael Bay | Shia LaBeouf | Transformers 3
i have to admit i am really, really happy i saw transformers 2 in the theatre. now i can totally skip this next piece of shit.
Score = 2
I hope T3 will have other racially-insensitive robots! How about Wetbackatron, who is a truck carrying undocumented workers BUT also changes into a robot who talks like Cheech Marin? Tee hee! And he'd be all like "Si Senor I neeeed a chuh loo pah!" Oh Michael Bay you're the best. THE BEST.
Score = 34
Japtimus Prime, an actual hotel filled with japanes business men. In his robot form he, respectfully, hits on school girls and goes to work where he works 14 hours a day writing transformers cartoon episodes.
Score = 30
Come on, guys. It's called diversity!
Score = 6
What about Japtimus Prime: a Mercedes that turns into a spoiled Jewish girl who won't blow her robot boyfriend, Dentistron. Voiced by Fran Drescher.
Score = 9
Sorry, buddy, but the short form "T3" is taken. Gonna have to refer to it as "Tranny 3".
Score = 24
I'm actually kind of excited for this movie. Not because it's a movie, but because it's a drinking game me and my friends play. Goes as such:
* Drink if the shot is in slow motion
* Drink if there is a helicopter flyover a character
* Drink if the sun is setting all around the world at once.
Then the rare Trifecta:
* A Helicopter flying away from a sunset in slow motion.
After that, you just slam your drink and regret your life decisions thus far. Transformers 1 had two. Cheers Michael Bay.
Score = 18
Better get on to ordering your Transformers casket because you are gonna die of alcohol poisoning.
Score = 5
Best funeral ever.
Score = 1
my only question is (regarding that picture) is that his robot penis or is his arm just bent out of shape?
Score = 7
I will use the time between now and July 1 2011 to complete all the items on my "bucket list" (barf), because on July 2, 2011, when the Transformers 3 has already made 300 million dollars, I will be forced to kill myself. I won't want to do it, but it will be better than living in a world in which Transformers 3 exists and is a hit.
I'd better start training to climb Mt Kilimanjaro today - I have a lot to do, and not much time in which to do it!
Score = 3
July 1, 2011 is my thirtieth birthday. My friends better FANDANGO.
Score = 9
There better be more decepticon balls this time because the last one didn't have enough decepticon balls, in my opinion.
Score = 10
Holy crap, you guys. It's even worse than we thought. 2012 IS BEING BROUGHT FORWARD A YEAR!
Score = 17
So then Optimus was all like, "WHRRR TOK TCHHH," and so then I was all "VURRRRR ZEEP," and then he was all "BONK WOOP," and then I was all "FFFFT CLOCK WHIP PSHHHHH." What an asshole, that guy. More like Fartimus.
Score = 13
I think the world might also implode if/when Chris Brown's latest song is incorporated into the soundtrack. BARFatron.
Score = 7
So this will be the Transformers movie with absolutely zero dramatic tension since we now know that the main robot and human characters can all be brought back from the dead?
Score = 2
Well, fuck. I already ordered 10,000 units of Truck Nutz© that were specially printed up with a picture of John Turturro's face and text that reads "I AM DIRECTLY BENEATH THE ENEMY'S SCROTUM." TRANSFORMERS 3 - SUMMER 2012. What the hell am I going to do now? I guess I'll just have to wait till '12 to feed them into the Earth's gaping maw when the crust opens up to swallow us all (well, those of us who aren't in limos with John Cusack, of course).
Score = 8
Score = 2
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENE!
Score = 5
Where's the delete button?!
Score = -2
michael bay doesn't have it, that's for sure.
Score = 4
My car frequently does turn into shit, but that's because it's a Ford Taurus.
Score = 15
Haha, that's how I read it at first. Probably because my first car was a '99 Taurus that completely rusted out inside and had to be junked. My first hint something was wrong was when I filled it with coolant and when I looked the next morning, all the coolant had fallen out. Then it turned into a robot, and the robot's head fell off.
Score = 3
This totally reminds me of Entourage. You know, the one where Ari tells Vince Michael Bay is tapped on to make Aquaman 2 faster than...well I don't know, faster than it takes to make a shitty Michael Bay movie.
Score = 0
i laughed so hard at the "i'm going right now to meet with hasbro to develop new characters". you know the movie's a critical winner when your meeting with toy companies to write the script. "hey guys, i'm working on a sequel to Schindlers List, i just need to meet with Matchbox to develop some characters. it's gonna be great."
Score = 2
"Tranny 3 - Dawn of the Tranitron"
Score = 0