Michael Bay has announced on his website that not only will he be shooting a third Transformers movie (FILE UNDER: no doy) with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf reprising their roles as the two people in the world who understand what the fuck is going on, but that the movie is being fast-tracked to come out a year earlier than previously scheduled, on July 1, 2011. Oh good! From Reuters:
"Well, it's official: We have a great 'Transformers 3' story," Bay said on his Web site. "Today is Day One."
I'm sure! I'm sure that it's one of the best stories. "And the robot with the Truck Nutz goes bleep blop bloop and the other robot is like PUNCH IN FACE and now there is a fire. Are those missles?" You know, story-telling.
But July 1, 2011 is still a pretty long ways away. So what should you do to pass the time until this wonderful movie finally gets here?
Chuck Bass dips into the Bass fortune to open his own chain of infused-smoothie stores, going head to head with Jambo's Juice (CEO revealed in final episode with cameo by Breckin Meyer).
Serena Van Der Woodsen is found decapitated in her bed, with no sign of forced entry, and all of the blood neatly drained from her body. Special agents are called in to investigate. One of them is very open to the possibility of paranormal activity, and one of them is very skeptical.
Blair Waldorf gets pregnant. Chuck, Nate, Dan, Jenny, the mean girls, Wallace Shawn, Lily, Rufus, all pace nervously in the waiting room. When it turns out that the baby is black, a fight breaks out.
Dan Humphrey is also found decapitated in his bed. No one bothers to investigate.
Jenny Humphrey drops out of school (again!) to pursue a romantic relationship with Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows. He files a restraining order, and during the trial it is found that Jenny is clinically psychotic. She is institutionalized at a private hospital and has to start at the bottom of the social ladder all over again.
Rufus Humphrey and Lily Rhodes Van Der Woodsen make a suicide pact after their two children are found decapitated in their beds. Lily overdoses on sleeping pills and is later found in a pool of vomit and champagne in a $7,000 ball gown on the roof of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Rufus doesn't end up committing suicide, because he isn't sure if he's ready.
In the season finale, Nate Archibald wakes up, and it turns out it was all just a dream. "That's the last time I ever eat raw oysters right before bed HAHAHAHA," Nate says. "Round Here" by the Counting Crows plays over the end credits.
At the critics press tour in Pasadena, whatever that means (seriously this time, what does that even mean?!), Jay Leno "took the stage" (OK, so there's a stage? It's like a concert. A Jay Leno concert. For critics? Are the critics on tour, or is Jay Leno on tour? Anyway!) to offer up some highly anticipated details about his new 10PM show. Phew. The anticipation was killing me. "Ack!" So what will it be like?
"The Jay Leno Show" will have a fast opening sequence, about 10 seconds, before launching into the host's monologue.
There will be one celebrity guest, perhaps two at most.
Musical segments will sometimes feature multiple acts performing together -- like on the Grammys when famous artists are teamed together.
Leno's signature comedy bits like Jay Walking and newspaper headlines will be saved for the end of the show, where Leno will tell viewers to stay tuned for the local news (this is the only part of the show where Leno might have a desk).
Additional segments include bits like advertiser-friendly "Green Car Challenge," where celebrities race against each other in alternative fuel vehicles. (NBC has built a race track next to the studio [a race track next to the studio!] where guests can compete against each other. ["You can see who is faster, Shaquille O'Neal or Cameron Diaz," Leno said.] [Ugh!])
Other segments will feature comedian correspondents doing taped segments, a bit like on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" (though Leno rejected that comparison). D.L Hughley will report on politics from Washington, for instance, and "Hangover" actress Rachel Harris has been tapped as well.
NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will also have a regular bit on the show -- "Stories Not Good Enough For Nightly News."
Can I tell you something? A lot of this stuff actually sounds fine. Limited interviews with "people" who have nothing to say, potentially surprising musical performances, and occasional bits with Brian Williams? Who doesn't love Brian Williams? But there is just one problem:
What's up crazy dudes and cool girls who like boys and clothes but also have informed opinions of their own and can be anything they want to in this world. Tony Hawk! If you're anything like us, you are going OUT OF YOUR MIND in anticipation over the new TWILIGHT movie. Am I riiiiiiiight, bros?! And girl bros?! I've barely even had time to feed my Tamagotchi I'm going so bonkers! Cowabunga!
Well guessssssssss whuuuuuuuuuut! We have got a super-bodacious new image from the movie that is going to make you NUMBER 2 in your MARITHE FRANCOIS GIRBAUD JEANS (total jk, we would never do that to your awesome jeans. Those jeans look great, btw!). The insanity of this new picture is going to drive you insane. You won't even be able to believe it. You're going to see this picture, and oh man, you are going to flip. You're going to be like "Nunh-unh," but let me assure you, YES-HUNH! Jonas Brothers.
Oh man, I wish I was you guys so that I could see this thing for the first time all over again. TEEN POWER!
There are a lot of ways to know how old you are. Like, looking at your birth certificate. Or asking your mom. Can doctors determine how old you are? Kind of, right? I'm not Professor Health, and while I don't think that doctors can tell you to the day or even the exact year that you were born, they can do some tests and figure out your general age probably, right? That sounds right. Obviously, it gets harder if you have Benjamin Button disease, but you don't, because Benjamin Button disease doesn't exist. (Oh, sorry, SPOILER ALERT!)
But there is another simple, easy-to-use, highly accurate test to determine your age. It just came out today, and it is very easy to use. Just watch the video after the jump, and depending on your reaction, we can know how old you are. It's basically infallible. There are no false positives. The wonders of science!
In a recent interview, Norm Macdonald teased his upcoming FX show, The Norm Macdonald Reality Show, because it is his curse to be underappreciated. Normally a show is announced to the public via a publicist or a marketing department. Not when it's a Norm Macdonald show. Whatever. Norm ain't care. He will take his show to the STREETS. So, what will this show be all about?
Express Milwaukee: What else do you have in the pipeline?
Norm Macdonald: Oh yeah, speaking of things that I'm not actually good at, I'm doing a television show on the channel FX, which will actually be funny, or it might be. I wrote it. Have you ever seen "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?" I like that show, and I think that's FX's only comedy, so they wanted a companion. I really like FX a lot; they don't give you very many notes or anything. So they're finally going to let me do something I want to do. It's called "The Norm MacDonald Reality Show." The premise is my career has fizzled into oblivion, so they give me a reality show, which I reluctantly take. So I have to date the Barbie twins and do all this weird, retarded stuff. Now I don't know how to drive in real life-my actual life-so in the show they teach me to get a license, but maybe they get Lee Ermey to teach me; you know, some twist. Anyway, so during the driving lesson, I accidentally kill the teacher. And then all hell breaks lose. I start to become famous again, and the show becomes a hit, and the trial starts. I get my fame that I didn't want in the first place. But there's a lot of funny stuff in it. I guess I'm telling it like it's not funny.
Nice. Norm MacDonald is like the George Plimpton of stand-up comedians doing late-career high-concept basic cable TV shows. Let's watch this show, you guys. The Videogum DVR Club seal of approval.
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