The Gathering Of The Juggalos Survival Guide
Obviously, you're going to the 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos*. It's your gathering. Everyone is going. Your mom is like, "hold on, let me just grab my diaphragm, my neck pillow, and my hunting knife." But if you've never been to the Gathering before, you can't just, like, GO to the Gathering. You have to know the ropes! There are a lot of ropes. What, did you think it was all just men on stilts and helicopter rides? This is a family. Even if you've been to the Gathering since it began, 10 years ago (sometimes Juggalos aren't so good at the math, so I did it for you), it's still useful to brush up on some survival tips. Luckily, YouTube user cdowg 187 recorded a 23-minute tutorial on how to survive the weekend. Because, you know, not everyone who goes to the Gathering is a good person and shit. Some of the pro-tips you will learn:
- If you see someone who is littering or tearing up the park, jump them. Don't beat their ass, but jump them.
- For the Juggalettes who might be going to the Gathering who are under 18, don't show your tits. We don't want Chris Hansen showing up.
- If you are smoking speed, don't even think of driving.
- If you're going to be sharing your alcohol with people and stuff, make sure they are above the age of 18. (The same goes for if you're smoking bud.)
Do you even know about JUGGALO NIGHT COURT? They ain't ready (they=you).
Motherfuckers need to know. Get your shit. (Via BoingBoing.)
*It's interesting how this is the 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos and yet this is the first year, that I know of, where such a fuss has been made. It just goes to show you, infomercials still work! That's why they call infomercials the Kindle Killer.
Posted by Gabe at 1:15 PM in Virtual Worlds
Tags: Insane Clown Posse | Monsters | The Gathering Of The Juggalos
DAMN. I USED to think NO ONE WENT harder than the ICP. BACK IN THE DAY their mythology had SOME REALLY IMPRESSIVE religious overtones. BUT DAMN that shit GOT WEAK. Not to MENTION the FANS ARE a bunch OF WEIRDOS who don't know who TO INTERACT WITH reality AND SHIT.
Score = 1
i seen moveys abot dese jigullo guys. it has da in it dat put a gerbal in his butt LOL!!!!!1
Score = 25
Jumping thru video 2, the only one I bothered to start, got to 1:52 and I agree.
Why are we adding to their hype machine? Just another page those juggatards can find on the google.
Score = -13
"Gathering of the Juggalos Survival Guide" or "23-minute video its fun to know exists, but I'll never sit all the way through."
po-tay-toe/po-tah-toe
Score = 20
The only ropes I wish they'd get to know are nooses.
Score = 3
So at the gathering I guess everyone is going to get peed on. Awesome.
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Score = 67
I can go ahead and leave the internet for today, because this is the best thing I'll see.
Score = 7
Where the hell does everyone keep getting these Abercrombie & Fitch pics of Gabe? Are they from his "erotic services" website?
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http://gawker.com/photogallery/gawkerpinupsgabedelahaye/
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Interesting...
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ahahahahahahahhahhaahahahahahhhahahahahha.............
Did you pay for those Gabe? Or was that the Vanity Fair cover shoot that got preempted by the death of our Dear Dear Michael?
(try more sweat on the shirtless picts. so it looks like you were just working out and not just watching TV and typing on the internets.)
i kid.
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Looks like Gabe's preparing for the Double Dog...
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Gabe, on behalf of all the Videogum readers, I hereby officially Double Dog Dare you to attend and participate in the 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos.
Score = 104
Gabe, if you go, I will both officially sponsor your fright mask AND provide you with all the Faygo you can drink.
Score = 12
Now that I think about it, this Double Dog Dare is going to require some cash. Are we so committed to making Gabe do this that we would contribute to a "Send Gabe to the Gathering of the Juggalos" charity fund? Because I feel that if we want to make him do expensive stuff for our entertainment we should be willing to help out with his travel expenses.
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Everyone promise to go see Paper Heart if Gabe goes to the Gathering.
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Gabe,
You've got to make this happen. It's a win/win/win/win/win/win.
Win #1: You win! This undercover investigation would pretty much guarantee you the #1 Blogger Coffee Mug for 2009
Win #2: We Win! (self explanatory)
Win #3: Laziness/ recreation/ freedom wins! With this one weekend, you will give yourself about 3 months of posts. That means 3 months free of having to scour the internet for little things to write about. Gathering stories will write themselves. Break the chains of oppression, spend some time outside, play with your grandkids - whatever, the world is yours (for about 3 months.)
Win # 4: Your Grandkids win! (see above.)
Win # 5: The Gathering wins! I'm pretty confident you're going to misunderstand the ICP family pretty hard. They love being misunderstood, they thrive on it. Win.
Win #6: Love wins. This isn't a promise like the first 5 wins, but maybe you run into Sugar Slam and fall in love. Like I said, not 100% on this one - Love is a fickle beast.
Listen to Alexandrararaar: TIME TO GO BIG.
Score = 16
Now that we're all a family, here at videogum, I propose we all go to The Gathering together. You know what they say*, a family that goes to The Gathering together stays together!
I mean, who knows; we may even inspire a Tyler Perry movie based on "a true inspiring story" of hilarious drama (of course Grandpa Gabe will be played by Tyler Perry in Gabeface) and it would air as a TBS Primetime Original Movie.....and don't worry, we may be monsters, but we wouldn't let all that TBS success go to our heads. The Gathering is more than that--The Gathering is about family....and shit.
*(nobody says that)
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hahahaha, "Gabe-face"
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That would truly be "The Wicked Shit"!
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Everybody needs to upvote this so hard. Please, Gabe!?!?!!
You brought the Gathering into my consciousness, and I can't send myself into the lakefront mailbox to a time when I wasn't endlessly fascinated/repulsed by this juggabaloo family. You need to SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT DOING THIS.
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It's true, you guys. Gabe is surely subject to the Law of the Upvote. Just like the rest of us.
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Hee. I'd just like the comment to make the monster's ball, so Gabe will have to address the fact that this is what we, his monster children want. We are a family, Gabe, and family = objecting oneself to "shit poppin' off" everywhere, faygo drenched gang rapes, and Vanilla Ice. Don't you love us, Gabe?!!?!? (Though asking you to do this kinda means we don't love you.)
Score = 24
Don't get me wrong. I upvoted the hell out of it.
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completely off topic here (sort of, and maybe you'll invite me to the week's most downvoted comments hall of fame) but i do not have the ability to up/down vote on either video or stereogum...i'm on a mac. is anyone else experiencing this?
Score = 4
I agree, he brought it to the table. TIME TO GO BIG GABE. Let's* do this!
*Let's = you. I just wanted to seem less of a demand and more of a power up cheer.
Score = 9
In all sincerity, one of the biggest things I miss since Lindsay's departure (RIP NEVER FORGET REMEMBER THE ALAMO) is the Double Dog. The Gathering would be one hell of a triumphant return to the feature, and win Gabe all the ePulitzers and what not.
That said, I can imagine that he's thinking: "I would do anything for Videogum... (but I won't do that)."
Score = 24
You just reminded me that there was a great Frontline about ICP in the early 2000s all about how they would never (NEVER!) go commercial. Except during filming, they went commercial. I believe you can watch it online:
"Of course, there is resistance to the commercial machine. FRONTLINE takes viewers to downtown Detroit, where media analyst Rushkoff speaks with teens at a concert by the Detroit-based Insane Clown Posse. When asked to describe what appeals to them about such music, the teens invariably respond that it belongs to them; it hasn't yet been taken and sold back to them at the mall. Full of profanity, violence, and misogyny, rage rock is literally a challenge thrown up to marketers: just try to market this!"
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i'm pretty sure they figured out how to market rage rock, and it was called invading iraq.
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Oh right, and what I was actually going to suggest to Gabe was that this would be a great opportunity to do an undercover follow-up piece. Groundbreaking, cutting-edge, Videogum journalism.
Score = 5
speaking of kindles, I would like to see a ven diagram of people who are juggalos and people who use the kindle. Would they intersect?
Score = 14
Juggalo Night Court is a lot like regular Night Court. Your defense attorney is an out-of-work John Larroquette.
Score = 13
I'm still not convinced this is real.
Score = 9
i would far prefer to live in a world where it doesn't, but since i don't get to make the rules, i guess we should embrace it for the horror and the giggles.
Score = 3
I can't help but find this little joogaloo endearing. He is like all tour guides, adorable for being kinda pathetic in their earnestness. Reprimanding the litter louts! Advising discretion to the juggalitas! Sad, sweet little tour guide. (I am STILL mad at insane clown posse for that mecca comment, though (so mad!).)
Score = 9
My car broke down in Fontana once, and I've seen the Richard Gere portions of "I'm Not There" a couple of times. The Gathering is basically a combination of those two things, right? I think I'm prepared.
Score = 6
I need a survival guide on how to watch this video in my workplace without my coworkers hearing or me getting fired. Thery'e already really suspicious because of my Faygo vending machine petition.
Score = 9
The infomercial threw the Gathering out of whack and shit. Juggalos need to remember a simpler time, a time when the Gathering didn't necessitate 23 minutes of rules and shit. The Gathering of the Juggalos isn't about manners and personal safety! The Gathering is about a bunch of date-rapists painting their faces, smoking speed and jamming to Vanilla Ice (and shit).
Score = 11
*they're
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Juggalo ratio of rules followed to rules = 1:230.
Approximately.
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"Hey, and don't forget to throw away those soda pop caps! Can't recycle 'em!"
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They OBVIOUSLY have wrestling.
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This guy definitely shoudl have written some talking points out, and what not, and shit.
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"yadda yadda yadda n' shit" - real quote from this gentleman
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"yadda yadda yadda n' shit" - real quote from this gentleman
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That is a lot of rules. Good thing there's going to be a lot of sex in the air or I might consider not going.
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DON'T DOUBT IT!
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just thinking about the kind of sex that is going to be had there (smeared clown make-up, kisses that taste like menthol cigarettes and cheetos, SO MUCH RAPING) and then combining that thought with what it will smell like there (what does rape smell like?) was a deeply unpleasant mental collision.
so, thanks for that.
Score = 0
They throw SHOES?! Those incorrigible juggalos!
Score = 5
New drinking game! Take a drink of your beer every time he says 'n shit. Take a drink of liquor every time he modifies an 'n shit with like that. Beware, he may throw in a change up like 'n stuff. If you drink on one of those, you have to chug an entire beer.
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...and shit.
Score = 3
ok 3 infomercials in and i still dont understand what a juggalo is. im going to have to google it arent i? it better not have anything to do with vampires...
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You wish it had something to do with vampires.
Score = 13
This explains it all...'n shit. If you made it thru all three of these, you can definitely make it thru this video. Sugar Slam makes it WAY more entertaining. Also, read the Vice article (linked in the post) for even more fun.
Score = 4
there are a lot of good parties going down AT NIGHT.
and shit.
Score = 2
I'm trying to watch, but my head exploded after the 900th "...and shit"
"Try to watch out for your shit...and shit."
"You're out in the woods and shit, and shit can go wrong"
This guy is surprised by L I T T E R at the biggest gathering of retards in the northern hemisphere???
Score = 3
Wait. There are seminars?
Score = 1
If this is the 10th Annual Gathering, wasn't the first one nine years ago?
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So...drinking Faygo n' shit n' also watersports at Night Court! Woo Woot!
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This guy is the moral center of the juggalo....putting out a survival guide when he's not en=ven going! Give this kid the internet.....and sbit
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Tragic: The Gathering.
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Safety Inspector Dweebermier over here is really harshing my juggalo buzz.
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ugh...
(insert short-buzz aszzcii here)
Score = 0
This guy makes me hate this whole group of people slightly less...but then simultaneously makes me want to retract that sentiment. Juggalos=Black hole.
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I myself am a Juggalo and have love for the Fam, but there are to many people who call themselves Juggalos but at the same time they don't understand that you can't take the lyrics literally and they go out and do shit that gives every single Juggalo a bad name.
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