Gene Simmons, The World's Most Dignified Man
Advertising Executive 1: Gene, baby, we've got to get the word out on the streets about the new season of your reality show, and we've got some ideas.
Gene Simmons: Hit me.
Advertising Executive 2: A urinal cake. With your face on it.
Gene Simmons: A urinal cake?
Advertising Executive 2: With your face on it.
Gene Simmons: This is your idea?
Advertising Executive 1: It's brilliant, Gene, think about it. People will have to go to the bathroom, and when they look down, they will see your face. They will be peeing on your face.
Advertising Executive 2: Peeing right on your face, Mr. Simmons. There's nowhere else for the pee to go!
Gene Simmons: I'm concerned that this might be embarrassing for me.
Advertising Executive 1: Oh, it will TOTALLY be embarrassing for you.
Advertising Executive 2: But we need to face the facts, Mr. Simmons. In your desperate attempts to somehow remain culturally relevant, you have subjected your family to a reality show on a third-tier basic cable channel. And not even BRAVO or VH1. You know, many people still think that A&E went off the air in the '80s.
Advertising Executive 1: Not to mention the fact that you've basically become a national joke.
Gene Simmons: But I have had sex with thousands of women.
Advertising Executive 2: Well, see, that's just the thing.
Advertising Executive 1: Sleeping with thousands of women would be impressive and alluring if you weren't so viscerally repulsive.
Advertising Executive 2: It's gross. You having sex, just the thought of it makes people barf.
Advertising Executive 1: The statistics of your sexual prowess are actually just the statistics of how much you make people want to barf.
Advertising Executive 2: What we want to do is we want to play with that. By having people pee on your face.
Gene Simmons: I've had plenty of people pee on my face bef--
Advertising Executive 1: Gene, honey, I love you, but shut up. I will punch you right in the face.
Gene Simmons: OK, I am on board. I was always on board. I was only arguing because I wanted to keep this conversation going. I am lonely. But let's talk details.
Advertising Executive 1: I love it. What are you thinking?
Gene Simmons: I want to be holding my hands up, like this.
Gene Simmons holds his fingers up a couple of inches apart.
Gene Simmons: I'm suggesting that the person seeing this image has a small penis. Do you get it?
Advertising Executive 2: We get it.
Gene Simmons: Tell me if you get it.
Advertising Executive 1: We get it, Gene.
Gene Simmons: Do you love it? Isn't it perfect?
Advertising Executive 1: Honestly? It seems a little desperate. You're already a urinal cake that people are peeing on. If anything, this would make it seem like you were in on the joke. People would know that you not only agreed to be on a urinal cake so that people could literally pee all over images of your face, but that you had given your full support to these horrible, disgusting, completely humiliating urinal cakes.
Gene Simmons: How about it's a picture of me going like this.
Gene opens his mouth wide and tilts his head back, as if he is drinking pee that someone is peeing into his mouth.
Advertising Executive 2: Let's go with that first thing you said. The penis thing.
Gene Simmons: You liked that one.
Advertising Executive 2: Loved it. I'll make the call. We'll set up a photo shoot, because we have to take special photos just for the urinal cake that you are agreeing to do because of how much self-respect you have.
Gene Simmons: What are you guys doing later? Do you want to hang out?
Advertising Executive 1: Would that I could, Gene, baby, but I have an appointment with a thing about a guy at a place that I just cannot miss. Next time!
Advertising Executive 2: You know I would love to, but I have to help a friend move...to space. They're moving to space. It's like "hire a moving company already!" Hahaha. Oh man. Haha. Moving!
Gene Simmons begins to weep silently while rubbing his crotch.
(Via BWE.)
Posted by Gabe at 2:00 PM in Viral Marketing
Tags: Gene Simmons | Gene Simmons Family Jewels | Pee | Toilets | Yikes
After peeing on this GOD OF MAKEUP rock's face, I decided I should probably watch the show, but then I just had an uncontrollable urge to either piss on my tv or ram my fuckin head into a goddamned wall for watching this piece of shit.
I need to stop fuckin drinking.
Score = -12
drinking is the best. i've never had pee before, but it sounds kinda gross, so i think i'll pass. isn't gene simmons that KISS guy? detroit rock city or something? he's cute.
Score = -6
Best You Can Make It Up ever!
Oh wait...
Score = 18
Putting yourself on a urinal cake for A&E is still a step up from appearing on VH1's Best Week Ever.
Score = -18
Lots Of Love
Score = 1
This is a real thing? Urinal cake advertising is a real thing? and it's not just for Urologists and Valtrex? Everyone needs to slap the next advertising agent they meet. Time to shut it down.
Score = 6
Maybe he's just pointing to our respective family jewels.
Score = 1
Nevermind, he's not. Sorry for giving Gene any "credit." If you can call it that.
Score = 0
way to make it make sense, DICK
Score = -2
I thought he was making a pee goal post and I won if my stream landed between his two fingers.
Score = 37
That's exactly what I thought. It never even occurred to me that that was the international "small penis sign." Shouldn't it be the thumb and index finger of one hand? This just looks like the world's worst game of paper football.
Score = 10
I think you're right. Which is even :(er.
Score = 4
it'd be better if he had his tongue out
Score = 8
Gabe pees from a high horse, apparently. This is REVOLUTIONARY, and somebody should call R. Kelly quick because this is GOLDEN.
Score = 11
wasnt this in i love you man?
Score = 9
Yeah! I thought it was just a joke and not a real thing though...
Score = 0
while i agree with the unbelievably pathetic nature of this urinal cake picture, i have to respectfully disagree about the t.v. show. all i remember about the original gene simmon's family jewels was that it was only boring because he has a completely functional family that argues openly and discusses family business rationally. so, while the show will suck, its not really a desperate attempt to remain culturally relevant as much as it is a necessary attempt to make money.
Score = 1
I guess A&E is trying to get on board the Orwellian, "TV stations featuring content contradictory to station's name," trend. That's a good dollar.
Score = 2
Do you think that he kept a few for his house? He totally kept a few for his house.
Score = 11
Maybe he's trying to say "look up." And when you do, there's a poster advertising his show on the wall.
Score = 6
Oh, actually, if he had his face in the urinal AND on the wall on top of the urinal, that would be perfect. I mean, no one wants to voluntarily look at Gene Simmons' face, but when you're peeing in a urinal, you can only really look down or straight ahead if you don't want to be seen as a perv looking at a stranger's junk. Therefore, you're forced to read whatever Gene Simmons is trying to say. I hate to say this, but it kinda works...
Score = 2
They should change the bands name from Knights In Satans Service to People In Satans Service. Get it? PISS?... Yeah, I know that was lame
Score = 13
Two-handed ock horns: TOO MUCH ROCK FOR JUST ONE HAND! (but too little rock for four fingers.)
Score = 0
This is a horrible joke! If I pee on Gene, then I am going to back spray myself and look like an idiot. If I pee into the drain hole below I don't get to give Fro Daddy the golden shower he so wants! Damn you A&E Ad Execs!
Score = 1
Request: Can I get this in Brandon Flowers?
Score = 1
All this pee and no Hugh Jackman? Gabe?
Score = 7
that's the type of predictable and prosaic humor that separates Videogum from lesser blogs. (I say that now, but I was on the look out 4 the Huge Ackman joke too....)
Score = 0
as a woman, a "urinal cake" is one of those things i forget is real. for a minute, i thought this was a cake, in a urinal, with gene's face on it. you know, for marketing.
Score = 1
as a woman, a "urinal cake" is one of those things that i forget exists. for a minute, i thought they were putting actual cakes with gene's face on them, in urinals. you know, for marketing.
Score = 4
I saw these in the big urinal trough at the cat and fiddle in L.A. thought about taking pictures. decided against it.
Score = 0
Gabe, this sounds too far-fetched.. now have Gene convincing the advertising exec and switching all the appropriate pronouns, well, that sounds about right
Score = 0
Well, this raises the bar for marketing ideas when Tony Danza's A&E reality show ramps up. Not like you have to market something like that, right Angela? Mooooona, who's with me?! But, seriously, the possibilities are limitless.
Score = 0
I thought this was just a made up joke in I Love You, Man. People really do this? In real life?
Score = 0
Boy, do they! I was seeing a show at The Mint in Los Angeles and went to use the facilities. As I was...using the facility...I heard this weird tinny voice shouting at me. I looked down and lo and behold, there was not just a promotional urinal cake but a TALKING promotional urinal cake that would activate when hit with liquid. It was advertising the film Let's Go to Prison. I did not see Let's Go to Prison.
Score = 0
You know when you've reached the absolute top when they put your face on a urinal cake. You'll be right up there next to a fly. Now he can die a happy man.
Score = 0