Um, What's Up With All These Male Hookers All Over The Place?
Ashton Kutcher's Spread trailer, you guys:
Whoa. After seeing the Spread poster I thought that the movie looked awful, but it turns out I had no idea. What an awful, AWFUL looking movie. Yuck. And, the official description of the movie is a fucking liar:
SPREAD is a fresh [Ed. note: fresh!], funny [Ed. note: sure!], and racy look at the trials and tribulations of sleeping your way to a life of privilege in Los Angeles. Comic and karmic, the film is an "immorality tale" about a gorgeous guy who gives women what they want in order to live exactly as he likes. In SPREAD, Nikki (Ashton Kutcher) isn't a gigolo. He's a sexual grifter, a fun-loving, freeloading hipster who understands his greatest assets are his looks and sexual prowess, which he uses to charm his way into the hearts of the city's richest women and enjoy their lifestyle. Nikki gets a free place to live, fantastic gifts, A- list access, and plenty of sex.
Um, nice try. I'm not Professor of Hooker Studies over here, but I'm pretty sure that if you have sex with people to get a house and gifts, you are a hooker. I'm also pretty sure that "sexual grifter" is a synonym for "type of hooker." Excuse me, prostitution whore. And it only gets worse from there:
The women get to feel young, beautiful... and utterly fulfilled in the bedroom. It's a mutually beneficial set-up. Nikki's latest conquest is Samantha (Anne Heche), a stunning middle- aged lawyer who gives him more than he's ever had before. But then he meets a gorgeous waitress his own age named Heather (Margarita Levieva). She comes to visit Nikki at Samantha's house while Samantha is out of town, sees what an incredible place it is... and comes to the mistaken conclusion it's his. Unbeknownst to Nikki, Heather lives by playing the same game. When Samantha comes home, she discovers Nikki's infidelity and he's put out on the street. With nowhere else to turn, Nikki pulls out all the stops to win Heather over and they begin to form their own kind of bond. Sexually charged by a game of one-upsmanship, each shows the other their best grifts, and they unexpectedly begin falling in love - the one thing they can't do in the life they lead. Soon, the truth of their unfolding relationship forces a choice between love and money, and Nikki has to decide whether he can live on his own once and for all in the hopes of finding something real.
Woof. He finally met his match! It's like Ballistick Ecks Vs. Sever: But With Hookers. I really hope he decides that he can't live on his own once and for all in the hopes of finding something real and he goes back to Anne Heche's house, and they make a suicide pact, and then they make Spread 2 Funerals The Streets. Seriously, the worst.
But also, between this and Hung, it's like, what is up with all these male hookers all over the place? Is this some metaphor for the economic crisis that I don't understand? "Our penis greed has outpaced our penis means, leaving us with an unbearable penis debt that we'll never be able to repenispay." Enough! Turn it around, Obama!
Posted by Gabe at 4:15 PM in Trailer, What America Wants
Tags: Anne Heche | Ashton Kutcher | Hung | Penises | Sex | Spread | Thomas Jane
What's wrong with his voice? Gravel for breakfast again?
Score = 26
He's a graduate of the Mumbling School of Acting. Magna cum laude.
Score = 6
I think I remember those last few sentences from a Richard D. Wolff article.
Score = 2
Suspenders.
Score = 5
Damn you Van Halen.
Score = 10
More like, "Flip it over, Obama."
Score = 5
"Samantha (Anne Heche), a STUNNING middle- aged lawyer"
try again, copywriter.
Score = 26
I just threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth.
However if this were based on someone's memoir I'd totally read it O_O
Score = -4
i know plenty of hipsters
and ashton kutcher is no hipster
Score = 30
"When a girl tells you you're not getting any...before you even try, you're getting some"
O Rlly? That's how it works? Turns out, everything I've ever known about women is wrong. Huh. Thanks writers of this terrible movie.
Score = 24
No is the new Yes.
Score = 23
"I'm pretty sure that if you have sex with people to get a house and gifts, you are a hooker."
http://www.entertainmentwallpaper.com/images/desktops/movie/tv_the_real_housewives_of_new_york_city01.jpg
Score = 15
Both of the grifter-hoookers are doing the gravel/coke voice. Also, isn't this movie premise a little too close to home for Ashton & Demi...oh no, you are right, Ashton wasn't a hooker. Noooooo.
Score = 3
isn't he basically demi moore's kept boy anyhow?
Score = 0
This just seems like a feature length version of one of Ashton's digital camera commercials. You know, the one where everybody pretends to like his dickish pics? Just replace taking pictures with boffing successful, yet lonely, women.
Score = 15
I've seen movies where robots finally learn to love, but not robot hookers finally learning to love! I love you Nikki Coke Voice 3000!
Score = 10
Hung + Spread = great godzilla fight seen? They whip out their livelihood-dependent schwartzes and destroy the surrounding downtown building/street miniatures in the ensuing battle of the bulge? Subsequent sequels would tie in more popular "male sexual grifters" pitted against the winner.
Score = 0
Winner takes on "The Box"
It'll be NC-17.
Score = 2
i would not like my pizza with extra anchovies. ever.
literally or figuratively.
Score = 0
Comic and karmic.
Score = 4
this is just a directors cut of his stupid camera commercials.
Score = 1
I had to read that 5 times to realize "Nikki" is the male protagonist. Now that just seems intentionally confusing!!
If Samantha's character was a 55-year-old male movie producer or fashion designer, this would be totally realistic.
Score = 12
they MUST CHOOSE between love and (strike>hookingsexual grifting. Because in Los Angeles, how else will two good looking people with A-list access and sleazy sales skills be able to make a living?!!!!
Score = 1
Who asked for this? WHO?
Score = 5
Doesn't it just make him a male gold-digger?
Score = -1
I'm sitting here trying to think who the fuck this movie is made for? Women? I can't see them caring for the unbelievably insulting way women are portrayed in this movie. Straight men? There may be tits in it but I don't see them willingly watching an Ashton Kutcher movie unless it co-stars Sean William Scott. It might be unintentionally bad enough for us gays to watch, but not in a theater. Try cable or Netflix when the Queue is empty. Seriously - WHO? Who is the audience for this narcissism other than Ashton Kutcher?
Score = 10
my friend moved out to la last year - he's hot, has had some immediate marginal, but measurable *success* - walk on roles on 90210, some likewise shows. the cleaner, some commercials, some music videos, and now, a few months later, he's the equivalent of an adderall dealer. i fear i'm peering into his future.
:(
Score = 7
this is almost exactly the same plot-wise as a 2006 french movie called Hors De Prix.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0482088/
except that Audrey Tautou a million times > Ashton Kutcher.
Score = 2
I'm glad I'm not the only one to notice that. ("That" meaning both the plot similarities and Audrey Tautou's inherent betterness over Ashton Kutcher).
Score = 0
give me my look back faggot!
Score = -2
Who calls Anne Heche and asks her to be in things? I don't understand. She's worst than Andie MacDowell. Okay, that's a lie. No one is worse than Andie MacDowell.
Score = 10
agreed x1000000
Score = 2
this movies core demographic does not know who van halen is. that is all
Score = 6
I'm going to need a bigger "Ugh." And can I say... ONE earring?
Score = 1
So I didn't actually watch this preview, but one thing I don't understand about all these male hooker movies/shows coming out is the fact that they have women all women clients. I admit that I don't know all that much about the hooker world, but I would assume if a male hooker only had female customers, he would be a very unsuccessful male hooker. Aren't men the main hooker clientele? for women OR men hookers?
Score = 7
Yeah I'd gladly see a movie about gay male prostituting any day over this.
Score = 5
I was totally expecting a gritty, urban decay expose film with Ashton as a chic, way too skinny heroin addicted gay prostitute. With just a touch of full frontal. THAT could have sold me.
Score = 4
Go to Mysterious Skin for that type of thing. Very good movie.
This looks so much like an Ashton Kutcher vanity project that he got some friends to write/produce. There are no other big names in it (Anne Heche?), which is a total giveaway. I don't care who you're "introducing." His Twitterati (or "Twittentourage," if you will) demanded this, people.
Score = 2
i liked it better when it was audrey instead of ashton and rope dresses instead of suspenders: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAxFvLx5M8g. damn you, jerry lewis!
Score = -1
gosh those earrings look stupid
Score = 0
Woah, check yourself a little. What's with all the anti-hooker talk? Upset you can't make racist hipster jokes anymore, even the extra ironic ones, so just moved on to some new group?........
Score = 0
Where did this new frog-throated Ashton Kutcher come from? I'm loving this new you!
Score = 1