Twilight: New Moon Trailer Reminds Us That Teenagers Are Ridiculous
Last week we got a breathtaking 14 second preview of the trailer for Twilight: New Moon. Last night at the MTV Movie Awards, the full trailer premiered, and SPOILER ALERT it is still so stupid.
Haha. Teenagers are so silly! The things that they are into make me Lots Of Love. Of course, we were all teenagers once. Who could ever forget the first time you went deep into the forest to break up with your girlfriend and then left her there? Or the time that a rastafarian vampire tried to kill you, but not before offering you some very serious relationship advice. "I think that you need to consider how his actions make you feel, rather than just listening to the words he is saying. Now I am going to eat your FACE."
Also, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are not very good at their jobs. "Your motivation is paper cut."
But the real issue that I have with this movie is its apparent disregard for TANK TOP CONTINUITY. I don't want to be Professor Shirts over here, but why did the bare-chested wolf boy go into the cabin to put on a t-shirt if he was just going to run out of the cabin and turn into a wolf and blow his t-shirt right back off his body? If I was his mom (not his dad? Whatever, you're missing the point) I would be like "I'm not buying you any more tank tops until you stop blowing them into shreds when you transform into a wolf boy." And he would slam his door, knocking the Yield-sign-shaped-sign that says "PARENTS KEEP OUT!" onto the floor, and I would go into the kitchen and have a glass of wine and imagine how nice it would be when he finally goes to Werewolf College and I can finally have some peace.
Posted by Gabe at 12:45 PM in Trailer
Tags: Kristen Stewart | New Moon | Robert Pattinson | Teenagers | Twilight | Vampires | Werewolves
AGH! PAPER CUT!
Score = 11
I wish that I knew teenagers that are freaking out about New Moon (I do not wish that I knew teenagers), I can count five adult friends, people with degrees, that are giddy like school children over this trailer. I was yelled at this morning when I asked why all the vampires were hanging out in the sun. Yelled at.
Score = 34
why are they hanging out in the sun? i was wondering the same thing.
Score = 8
I went on an extensive search of wikipedia to find out why they get to hang out in the daylight and from what I've gathered it's just because Stephanie Meyer willed it to be. WEAK!
Score = 12
In the Meyers universe, the reason vampires can't go out in the sun is because their skin SPARKLES LIKE DIAMONDS and, like, attracts hordes of swooning tweens or whatever. But only direct sunlight -- partially overcast is A-OK, which is why they all live in the Pacific Northwest.
(I am not making this up. And it's even stupider than it sounds, in the book.)
Score = 17
YOU SHUT UP!!!!
Score = 3
Exactly. Those books have the capacity to turn anyone into a twelve-year-old. My wife will turn 30 in a few days. And while she is smarter than your average bear, she and her girlfriends will no doubt see this movie twice...maybe thrice.
I learned from the first movie that all I have to do is say "Oh really, wow...".
Score = 3
At least they got more money for the special effects...
Score = 5
hardly. did you see that wolf? Pixar could have made a better one.
Score = 1
Ouch papercut.
i was waiting for the keybaord cat to play after this trailer, because the keyboard cat
should play after all things Twilight related. except for andy samburgs version.
Score = 14
Yeah and what is with a papercut making her bleed all over the carpet? Was is knife-paper? Have these people even seen a papercut before?
Score = 23
I think you mean Vassar, not Werewolf College, Gabe. I saw more body hair there on men and women than I've ever cared to...
Score = 14
I've had enough of your Vassar bashing!
Score = 27
How much of a geek does it make me if I was pleased that he turned into a werewolf instead of a wolfman?
Score = 9
How much of a geek does it make me if I was dissapionted that he turned into a werewolf instead of Teen Wolf?
no, seriously, Andy Samberg, stop lying to America
Score = 11
Oh dear god I just did a spit-take at that horrible werewolf. I'll stick with Up for my depictions of members of the Canis genus (never thought I'd say that)
Due to the law of diminishing returns, the lukewarm reception of the first film, and the fading buzz of the series in general, I'm predicting this maxes out at $150m tops (especially since it should have more competition)
Score = 3
CANT WAIT!!
Score = -17
CANT WAIT!!
Score = -28
THIS IS THE SADDEST INTERNET COMMENT
EVER
Score = 23
I think their motivation in each scene is "Be pasty."
Score = 30
Everyone except for Robert Pattinson.
"Scowl intensly. More. MORE."
Score = 9
That warewolf looks like a puppy.
Score = 8
Yeah, that paper cut thing was ridiculous. OMG!! BLOOD! And then, because he protected her from another vampire (so the cat's already out of the bag?), he has to leave her? Yeah.
And Kristen Stewart is the new Lisa from The Room. She is not hot at all, but apparently she's the prime pick for all these goddamn vampires.
"You are... MOUTHWATERING!" Really, Dreadlocked Blade? She's alright....
Score = 30
as if that logic was not bad enough, what makes it okay for him to leave her in a forest filled with even more vampires, who i'm guessing are not friendly judging by how only that guy had red eyes.
Score = 4
If it's really as bad as it looks I might just have to watch it so I'll have specifics with which to mock all of my wife's friends.
Score = 8
^^^^^^^FTW^^^^^^^^
Score = 0
Is this how my burger feels when I whisper sweet nothings prior to devouring it? "You are... TOMATO-EY!"
Score = 28
I am doing that to all my food from now on.
Score = 7
My first boyfriend broke up with me deep in the forest. Then I walked back to town 20 paces behind him. It was so awkward. True story!
Score = 57
I pretty much hate 99% of everything. But I like "Twilight", I think its original in a sea of remakes, retreads, and ideas we've seen over and over. You're so off the mark on this, just knee jerk hipster this is how im supposed to react to this reaction.
Score = -58
You realize its based on books, right? Thus making it not original.
You also realize it sucks ass, right?
Score = 21
Yup, this pretty much negates your opinion on anything ever again.
Score = 11
But my opinion is almost always right, because I'm cooler than all of you videogum nerds. case in point, im comfortable with my alt status to freely admit that I like Twilight. Dang, my comment rating is like -100, dissenting opinions aren't popular on Videogum comment section. That's very lame.
Score = -6
You do realize that Twilight is the opposite of original, considering that it combines Anne Rice books, Beauty and the Beast and sparkles, right?
Score = 28
Anne Rice's vampires never sparkled in the fucking sunlight or went to high school. I'm just saying.
Ugh. "But you guys can't eat!" Vampire joke! I love how he pushes her into a wall before attacking his "brother." And then he left her in the middle of a remote and dangerous forest. Best boyfriend ever.
Score = 5
Twilight is the single worst thing ever created by a free-thinking organism. If you can live with that thought and still like it, well, I mean, I don't know.. congratulations?
Score = 8
hipster rule 4675: you cannot like motherfucking TWILIGHT ironically
Score = 21
This is "Underworld" for tweens. Not to mention how many Teen Wolf references can be made. Not. Original.
Score = 9
are you stupid?
wait you think Twilight is Awesome, my question has been answered.
Score = 1
wolfboy: "like i told you before: you DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
we need a symbol for "ass of yourself for all eternity".
Score = 3
" : / "
Score = 0
I think I'll continue to not give a shit.
Score = 11
look, this is admittedly terrible looking, what with kristen stewart sucking and her not being attractive and OMG PAPERCUTS at dracula's pajama party.
but if i was a goth-y 15-year-old, i would LOSE MY SHIT when that dude turns into a werewolf. they kind of nail that moment for those kids. so, you know, good for them.
Score = 28
Kristen Stewart is the reason they put child-proof caps on pill bottles.
Score = 16
gabe...ur funny....
Score = -6
i see nobody bothered to take acting lessons during their hiatus.
Score = 19
who ok-ed robert pattinson launching kristin stewart into a wall because of a paper cut... seems a little excessive, no?
Score = 6
Wolfman is such a my boyfriend. He is 18 and I am 20, so I don't even have to go to jail. BONUS.
Score = 9
That birthday party looks LAME and why aren't they sitting down do vampires stand around in rooms without lightbulbs for some reason?
Also I'm sort of sad that they aren't filming this in Portland because last time I got to go around to all the ridiculous westside bars asking if Cedric Diggory had been there. The ridiculous bartenders pretended not to know what I was talking about but they knew. They knew.
Score = 21
Seriously, I've never seen anyone look so disinterested in pining for a birthday kiss. The special effects and acting are on par with those Sci Fi Channel crap-tastic masterpieces such as 'Ice Spiders' and 'Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep'.
I wish Chris Sarandon, Frank Langella and Gary Oldman would take turns throttling Rob Pattinson while Christopher Lee looks him in the eye and tells him, "you sir..are no vampire."
Score = 13
Um, 'Ice Spiders' kicks ass, sir.
Score = 6
You seriously think it's teenagers that are going all apeshit over this? It's not (only the stupid girl ones are). The other people that watch Twilight are PREPUBESCENT GIRLS that swoon over something they can't possibly want and then there are the 20 or 30 something lonely female women who want it plus a couple of gay guys.
Score = -3
It is my understanding from having viewed the poster for this that she gets with Teen Wolf in this movie. Okay, even if that's not true I'm going to assert it. So basically she just dates whatever 30-year-old high schooler will save her ass from situations that she stupidly gets herself into? How avant-garde, Stephanie Meyer. Betty Friedan is mad she didn't think of it first.
Score = 11
The thing that makes me really sad about this trailer is that the special effects in that 40 second clip were better than the WHOLE Wolverine movie :(
Score = 13
I may or may not have laughed my ass off at this. Well played, sir.
Score = 1
Kristin Stewart is bringing back eyebrow acting the likes of which I haven't seen since Shaq's breakthrough performance in Kazaam.
Score = 22
I was getting ready to defend this. And then i saw the trailer. I could go into the tragic tale of 'why i kind of begrudgingly tolerate twilight films mainly because i loved the books before anyone knew them enough to judge me for it', but nobody cares.
The trailer is bad, and deserves no kind of craze or hype. Pattinsson is waay too pale in that forest scene. They keep changing everything from the book into just fucking stupid. And the acting is just hammy.
Ouch for truefansofthebookwhokeeptryingtolikethestupidfilmadaptations everywhere, ouch.
Score = -8
From what I've gathered from previous posts on the Twilight series, as well as regrettable research, she ends up turning down the wolf guy who saved her anyway and going back to the guy who left her in a forest. Girls have such good taste in guys.
Score = 10
But, dude, he glitters.
Score = 9
Why does everyone debate Kristin Stewart's talent so often and I never hear anything about the fact that Robert Pattinson is even more terrible? (Yes, I am a grown woman who saw "Twilight.") His incurable case of Mumble-itis does not mask the fact that his attempt to sound American often came across more ESL-stilted Eastern European. Just odd, odd choices.
Score = 4
My kid DEVOURED this series of books, loving every one. When she saw the movie "Twilight", I expected the same response. Know what she said? "Mom, it sucked so hard I thought the theater was going to implode." THE END.
Score = 10
How old's your kid? I know the books are marketed to the tween crowd, but that's only because Meyer has a sixth-grade grasp of the English language. If you haven't read them, I suggest that you do and talk to her about them because they're pretty terrible/sexist.
/concerned rant
Score = 5
She says "kiss me" like she's being controlled by a brain slug. or something. the way her eyes roll back, or boz out, or cross eye, or something, it's incredibly strange and surely they could've done another take???
Score = 2
The reason why Kristen sounded that way and even raising her eyebrows when she asked Robert as Edward to kiss her because it was BASICALLY A DARE.She longed for Edwards kisses but Edward kept on holding back because he can't lose control around Bella.If he loses control,there's a big possibility that he might kill her.SSO IN ESSENCE,KRISTEN AS BELLA DARED TO KISS HER.OBVIOUSLY,YOU DID NOT READ THE BOOKS AND THAT EXPLAINS YOUR QUESTION.
Score = -7
Finally!
Score = 0
OMG OMG HER NAME IS BELLA? OMG OH LAWL OMG
Score = 0
I have major beef with the story line. (Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I actually watch it. I wanted to know what the hype was about).
I mean, aside from the emotions conveyed by the actors being analogous to aliens from invasion of the bodysnatchers, why is this vampire a high school student?!
I mean, he's been going to high school for over 300 years or whatever. Isn't 4 years of it enough? What kind of douche likes high school so much he'll do it for 300 years????
Why doesn't he just pretend to be one of those geniuses who go to college at age 16? Or why doesn't he just get home schooled?
Somebody! Anybody! I need answers!!
Score = 9
Twilight is shit I mean it took like 7 years for the f*****g book to get noticed! Twilight is insulting, come on SPARKLING VAMPIRES, WTF, and WTF!!!!!!!! people are like its such a beautiful love story with vampires, Edward is so hot, I would rather eat my own foot then listen to the s**t that comes out of the mouths of twilight fans, I mean haven't you even read the book you idiots!??? Its so stupid why are they even vampires? I see no point only to hide from the s**t writing that Stephen King insult, if Stephen King insults your book it must be bad!
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My g*d! I am 16 and I have enough of a brain to see that twilight is stupid, underwritten, over rated, and vampires, tell why the vampire stuff again????
the reason that fans attack normal people (with brains) that insult their damn Twilight is because deep inside the fans know the book is crap, they are so worried that people will open their eyes to the stupidity, word vomit and unoriginality the book holds. They aren’t dedicated fans no their scared idiots that can't give a good reason as to why they think the books are great.
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for example is someone insults my fav show supernatural I ask why they do then I give a reason as to why I like it, it don't throw acid in peoples faces! I am mature about my arguments and I justify what I say.
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A small list of why twilight sucks:
-It is underwritten and lack proper emotion
-An insult to Romanians (I am Romanian) vampires originated from Romania you can read about how is all started by one man called Vlad the Impaler, this was a REAL man that bran stroker used to write Dracula!
-Vampires don't sparkle period
-vampires are sexual, evil , THE immortal DAMNED, suffering creatures of the night, dark Satan’s right hand NOT STUPID HIGH SCHOOLERS THAT PLAY BASEBALL IN FAMILY UNIFORMS AND DRIVE CARS LIKE JEEPS!!!!!!!
-The characters are brainless or down right stupid take Bela for example, I love you Edward, next book I love you Jacob, next book I love you Edward, OMG kill me now
-Also but book actually allows pedophilia, Jacob like what 18 and 18 minute old baby, wtf!!!!
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it is becasue of brainless teenagers that read this twilight crap and say its brilliant that make people think that our generation is filled with stupid, unmotivated, lazy brainless kids. well i am starting to agree
Score = 1
Um, this is too long for me to read. But nice effort?
Score = 2