Thou Shalt Laugh At The Bike King And The Ten Commandments
So it seems that bad movie trailers in general and Christian ones in particular are the new cat videos. I'm trying to lay off for a while to not be such a broken record, but it's impossible when you guys keep sending THE MOST AMAZING TRAILERS, like this one for a movie called The Bike King And The Ten Commandments. In a new twist on the "common sense rules of trailer making were meant to be broken, man!" attitude of Christian movie trailer creators, the first half and the second half seem to be for totally different movies (except for the laughing devil-snake that ties them together). What kind of monster could laugh at a little blind boy in a wheelchair trying to kill himself in a foot of water? This monster. Also, that one, meaning you. God throws CDs!:
God: "I love you. I LOVE you! I LOOVE YOUUU! Listen to my demo!" I think this trailer is the one that will unite believers and non-believers in the mutual harmony of human beings endowed with even the most microscopic sense of humor or the absurd. Yay! (Thanks for the tip, Kristen!)
Posted by Lindsay at 6:00 PM in Trailer
Tags: Christians | Jesus | The Bike King And The Ten Commandments
terriblereligiouspropagandagum?
The director of this should watch The Room.
Score = 3
I like the beach spinning.
Also, wtf?
Score = 4
this is so confusing! it's like the fountain meets the sea inside for kids
Score = 5
when that pulsing orb of light turned into a mostly-unlabeled CD-R...that's when this Christian feature film meme hit new heights for me.
Score = 9
Wait, so now the good guy is wearing the leather jacket? What cinematic boundaries WON'T Christian films break??
Score = 21
These Christian movie trailors are getting old. We get it. They suck. This wasn't a great day for Video/Stereogum.
Score = -28
April Fools!
Score = 9
^ that guy played the blind kid.
Score = 9
guys, god got a plan fo ye'll, an you need to respet it. LOL i don see how its posable to laff at dis. fo reel
Score = -19
i no rite these peepel r such hators u all ned to respet tthe lords werd an dis movie to
smugadug
Score = 9
I guess God has a problem with spell-check, unless "An Unexpeeted Surprise" is a new phrase that exists now.
Score = 5
Pause the video at 0:28. It's a C.
Score = 1
"Unexpected Surprise" still shouldn't be a phrase that exists. It's even more redundant than saying this trailer is "gay and retarded," for example.
Score = 1
The best part of the trailer has to be the CG-eyes.
Score = 9
I especially appreciate the kid constantly looking at shit while blind. Also, the super fey dad.
Score = 8
Especially when his head follows the bikers crossing in front of him.
Score = 5
That was so unrealistic, the snake's mouth didn't even move.
And God is a tree trying to impersonate James Earl Jones (& doing a horrible job at it)?
What?!?!?!?!?
I think I might have to watch that one while playing a drinking game.
Score = 5
Every time the movie is ridiculous you drink.
Whoops you're dead, and it's only just started!
Score = 18
Hmm, sounds like God's been tipping the sauce.
That's an actual expression, right?
Score = 3
Did I just blink my eyes very slowly and vigorously throughout the middle portion, or does someone love their fades to black?
Score = 4
"I LOVE YOUUUU!" versus "I did naht hit her!!!"
Discuss.
Score = 5
I LOVE YOUUUUUU!! I LOVE YOUUUUU!!
The serpent at the end is the best part though.
Score = 1
But still I have no idea what the movie is about.
Score = 2
YES. So much yes.
Score = 1
so he gets better as a kid, and then lives happily ever after. . .that's the movie? Let's jog at a moderate pace towards one another on the beach to celebrate!
I'm in love with this trailer. What was on that mystery disk from God??? I must know!
Score = 4
Wait, when did Christians start worshiping Ents?
Score = 13
Why'd the devil even bother changing into a snake? The blind kid is clearly not going to get the visual allusion, seeing as how he cant see.
(also major lulz on the "Listen to my demo!")
Score = 18
wait.. so god is an asian guy and a tree with the voice of james earl jones? and he also burns cds?
Score = 7
Nice to see that Bobby from Twin Peaks is getting work.
Score = 3
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY DEVIL SNAKE!!!!!!! I was worried that he wouldn't return.
Score = 1
I just wanna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!
Score = 4
What's the point of living if you can't ride motorcycles or pointlessly swing around in circles in the most cliched way possible?
Score = 3
OMG! (oops!) So many things I want to say about this, but trying to wrap my brain around this trailer made my head ah-splode!!
Say what you will, haterz.... these silly christians never get old! They're like an alien species to me! How else, but through their low-budge cinematic productions, will I ever learn about these peoples and their tech-savvy god?!? Cause I was all...."Man, I don't understand this--this God thing is so abstract..." and then POW!!--a CD-R (or CD-RW) fell from the heavens, and it was like, all SOOOO relevant now! technology...I get it!
(although, I wasn't totally convinced with that last part...come on god, who listens to cd's anymore?...what do you think this is 1997? Podcast thou shit!)
Also, motocross!
Score = 10
Podcast thou shit- I think I love you.
Score = 4
Maybe the whole "Nouveau tech-savvy God" motif is just a metaphor for Barack Obama.
Score = 1
the little boy's hat in the first scene with the snake has a huge '2004' on the front....so i guess 'god' healing your blindness also causes you to age 20 years in only 5
Score = 6
...on second thought, christians have never really cared about things like common sense, logic, and the physical laws of reality...so i would assume this really doesn't bother them....that is if they are even able to do the math
Score = 4
I think the same person did the voices of the devil and god. And if god could have healed him, why did he wait so long, or allow him to be born blind? And why did he become a biker? I hate trailers that make no sense, but I have this odd feeling that the actual movie makes about as much sense as the trailer.
Score = 1
The dude and the girl are on a motorcycle without helmets.
Total Christian moral FAIL.
Score = 7
OMG he grows up to be a 90's style dork-hunk!!
Also, I love the awesome doctor-speak at the beginning. He might not be able to see and stuff. Or walk. Hmm? What's wrong with him? In medical terms? Oh... you know. Stuff.
Score = 5
It's funny how he tries to kill himself, and is always screaming in torment and such, because being blind is THE WORST thing you can be. IN THE WORLD.
If he couldn't ever see, why does he miss it so much?
Lastly... the snake laughing at the end... *I* couldn't see I laughed so hard.
Score = 3
Wait, a tree healed him? Shouldn't this directly contribute to more people being pagans more than anything else?
Score = 4
I have seen this film many times and never cease to find it moving. I feel for all of you lost souls who can not see the power of God working through these gifted actors. If you could just unharden your hearts for a second, let him in, and realize HE LOVES YOU, I don't see how you couldn't be crying for hours. It's no wonder, that with people who make a mockery of religion, we are in the political mess we are in now with someone who's not my president.
9/12 ya'll. Be like 9/12.
Score = -3
Wait... are you being ironic with all this "American Patriot", "9/12", "I Love Jesus" stuff? Because if so, nicely done.
Score = 0
http://godslove.dot5hosting.com/tencommandments.htm
buy the ten commandments today (as read by God)!!!
Score = 0
The googly eyes segment of the video is gonna keep me from sleeping tonight. What no jewel case for the CD-rw?
Score = 0
God to humans: 'This is CNN'
Score = 0
so the sunglasses were keeping the boy in the wheelchair? cause thats what i got out of that..
Score = 0