The Jennifer's Body Red Band Trailer's Title Card Writer Has Got To Be Kidding Me
Admittedly, the title of this post would probably just squeak out a passing grade at Readable Blog Post Titles That Make Sense School. Or maybe not! FAIL. Sorry. But, so, Jennifer's Body red band trailer, you guys:
I'm pretty sure that I'm the last person on the Internet to write about this trailer, so there's not that much left to say. The Awl has already called it a documentary about Megan Fox. Gawker has already voiced tepid enthusiasm. MovieLine has already gone even further and voiced genuine enthusiasm. Entertainment Weekly has already spent a write up talking about Adam Brody, because someone has a crush on Adam Brody. FilmDrunk has already ripped apart the Diablo Cody dialog. And JoBlo has already expressed Megan Fox fatigue.
So we're pretty much all covered.
But there was one thing about this trailer that really bugged me that no one seems to have mentioned yet:
Are you fucking kidding me? I've made peace with the fact that she won an Academy Award for convincing America's moms that teenagers actually say things like "honest to blog." And it's true that Hollywood has worked really hard to brand her as some kind of iconic auteur (did you know she was a stripper?!). But fuck this. FROM THE MIND OF? No, David Blaine. Dude has "written" one miserable movie, and one miserable TV show, and this is a tongue-in-cheek horror movie starring a walking pair of sardonic human breasts and Seth Cohen.
GIVE ME A BREAK NOW PLEASE.
Here, Hollywood, I'll fix it for you.
Better.
Posted by Gabe at 4:30 PM in Trailer
Tags: Diablo Cody | Jennifer's Body | Megan Fox
Diablo Cody doesn't actually write screenplays. She has a giant machine that randomizes teen slang and pop culture references into a genre she chooses. It's sort of like that episode of south park with the dolphins writing episodes of family guy. Only this machine has a vagina.
Score = 17
i thought the giant machine that randomizes teen slang and pop culture references WAS her vagina.
Score = 24
Manatees, but otherwise, yes.
Score = 15
i thought this was a documentary about Hole for the longest time.
this should be a documentary about Hole.
i like them much better than megan fox's cinema turds.
also, once we fix the sign-in problem can we set about changing the post bylines to "Posted from the mind of GABE at..."
THNX
Score = 17
"Tweeted from Diablo Cody's iPhone that she totally found in a thrift store!"
Score = 55
What! 140 Characters is still too long for a Diablo Cody movie!
Score = 6
Posted by Gabe?
Fuck that!
From the mind of world renowned Vlagger and professor of logic at the University of movie stuff, GABE.
Better. Fell free to use exclamation marks or dollar signs for emphasis and general badassery. Go crazy, you've earned it.
Score = 25
That's some real talk son.
Score = 0
d.cody uses some sort of bullshit generating algorithm to come up with this stuff.
that's got to be it.
Score = -1
also, this:
Score = 64
Uh oh! Your lips that are touched up to look like an engorged vagina look just like that other girl's!! Trés traum!!!
Score = 0
a BLOGGER hating on a SCREENWRITER? wow. paycheck envy I guess
Score = -39
This will somehow make $35 mil opening weekend.
Score = 0
somehow? The trailer features Megan Fox swimming naked, AND dressed as a Cheerleader, AND SUCKING SOME GUY('s face) OFF. Its an adolescent fantasy. In the words of breathless nerds everywhere, "Incredible!"
Score = 47
This will somehow make $35 mil opening weekend.
Score = -9
I wasn't scared at all until that title card came up.
Also: http://www.oldeenglish.org/podcast/diablo-cody
Score = 3
what is this, the 90's? I didn't think crap like this was made anymore.
Score = 4
Was the 4th of July the reason PUBLIC ENEMIES wasn't the Videogum Movie Club pick of the week? I would've loved to hear the debate over an actually DECENT film...
Score = 8
I agree. Why are we being encouraged to buy tickets for objectively shitty movies? (I'm talking about the last two movie clubs specifically.) It's one thing to make fun of bad pop culture but another to throw money at it.
Score = 15
Then why discuss Public Enemies? It was a bloated, poorly shot, lame attempt at a gangster epic with pretty flimsy dialogue and an sad excuse for an ending. Acting was good, but not good enough to carry the film. So, discuss another film, but not this one.
Score = 5
Dear Hollywood,
Please, please, please never put Adam Brody in eyeliner again.
Thank You
Jana
Score = 15
So I rewatched "Juno" yesterday, and guess what? It's still fun. And last time I checked, Cody didn't convince anyone that teens said "honest to blog", in as much as no one is about to mistake "Juno" for a documentary on contemporary teenage behavior. Because duh. So I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on this one and continue to not understand the Diablo Cody backlash, or at least the particular criticism of her work that begrudges her for making up slang. As if the only reason anyone goes to the movies is for absolute realism.
Score = 17
Have you ever tried to watch United States of Tara. Good lord. Never has such awful writing been placed before humankind under the guise of entertainment.
Score = 14
where the eff is Lindsay btw??
Score = -37
Where the eff have you been?
Score = 20
i've been on vacay for two weeks.
Score = -2
i'll google it or something. forget it. -10
Score = 5
oh. well, that's much worse than i expected.
Score = 39
"does sex smell like thia food? im only 13 so i wouldnt know? HElp!! i wanna do it with my bf but i dont want my grandma to smell takout!!"
Yahoo Answers question once those crazy MySpacers get a hold of the trailer!
-So sorry if this appears thrice.
Score = 49
That line! I was like, "Am I doing it wrong?"
Score = 7
Peer Edited by Michael Bay
Score = 23
This movie smells like soup.
Score = 12
Can we talk about incredibly stupid it is to have Amanda "Karen Smith" Seyfried playing the nerd/ugly girl? I'm not saying she's a bad actress, I'm just saying that I would give my left arm to look like her. And poor Adam Brody. I only like him as Seth Cohen.
I'm kind of excited for this crapfest.
Score = 13
Agreed. Amanda Seyfried is unfrumpable.
Score = 4
she has a left arm, so pick another body part.
Score = 7
I have a crush on Adam brody (still)
Score = 9
Did anyone notice that Amy Sedaris' name was in the credits? Probably the only reason worth watching.
Score = 12
Honestly, I am going to see this because of Amanda Seyfried. How pathetic of me.
Score = 4
This could be the flick that gets Gene Shalit fired..
"I can't stop thinking about Jennifer's Body!!"
"You'd need a restraining order to keep me away from Jennifer's Body!!"
"I was totally drawn into Jennifer's Body!!"
Also..
"Jennifer's Body scared my pants off which made it much easier to pleasure myself!!"
Score = 17
But Jennybean, she's wearing GLASSES. Eeeeeeew...
Score = 14
1. was that patton oswalt as the radio announcer? 2. i forgive you, amy sedaris.
Score = 3
As a big horror fan, if this wasn't written by Diablo Cody, I might have gone and seen it.
Score = 2
Whatever, I wanna see this. In the immortal words of 3LW, Hatas, they gonna hate...that's just that way it is. that's just the way it is.
Score = 8
1)Okay. Her boobs are really bothering me. I don't want to hate on Megan Fox here, but when she unzips her top I get a bit grossed out(and I think the intent here was "sexy"). Are they too far apart or too perky or... ew. Anyone with me on this?
2)Also, upon second viewing I realized that the line about getting a Chinese girl to "buff your situation" was supposed to be funny. (Right?)
3) I did not laugh, but smiled a little at "I'm killing boys."
4) Glasses obviously equal hideous. Ugh. What a lazy makeup and wardrobe department.
5) For some reason a part of me is rooting for Fox and wants her to surprise us all and become a decent actress at some point. I don't think this is that time.
Score = 7
4 will never happen. She just can't act.
Score = 3
1) Pretty sure her boobs are fake. That'll do it to ya
2) Sure, but also somewhat racist. Besides, everyone knows it's the Vietnamese.
Score = 5
Ha. Good point. When has a Chinese person ever done my nails? Seriously though, never. I thought her boobs were fake, I guess I didn't think they would look so butchered.
Score = 3
The next Diablo Cody script is going to be 85 minutes of impossibly clever casual racism.
Score = 14
Cobra Starship has a song on the soundtrack, according to the end of the trailer.
Score = 2
I can comment!
Score = 1
Megan Fox is the worst. Diablo Cody is the worst. I will still see this because I am a 17 year old girl.
Score = 9
The boy in this movie sounds like the new Christian Slater doing Jack Nicholson
Score = 2
Megan Fox looks about fifteen years too old to play a high school student. And I mean even by the Hollywood standard where everybody in high school is 25 years old.
IMDB says she's 23, but I just can't buy that. She looks like she could be Johnny Simmons' mother.
Score = 20
1)I'm surprised this wasn't co-produced by Mr. Skin.
2)You can tell this are serious film by how the soundtrack is given higher billing than anyone who actually did anything related to the movie itself.
Score = 6
yes. WHY HASN'T THE SOUNDTRACK BEEN DISCUSSED. was that a point of pride for them?
Score = 2
Amanda Seyfried needs to be chained to the Big Love set. First, Mamma Mia. Now, this. Girlfriend needs to stay put.
Score = 1
amy sedaris is in it. thats more than enough reason to see it.
Score = 1
amy sedaris is in it. thats more than enough reason to see it.
Score = -1
I liked Juno. A lot. And I will see this because I liked Juno.
So there.
(Also because Amanda Seyfried.)
Score = 1
This really looks like a scary horror movie - Panic! at the disco features in the soundtrack!
Score = 2
Was one of the titles, "A horror movie...like you've never heard before?"
Score = 2
Soundtrack includes music from MY FUCKING NIGHTMARES.
Seriously, what!?
Score = 1
if it was jerri blank "going both ways" instead of megan fox this would be my greatest birthday ever
Score = 4
I really liked The Faculty the first time around. I'm glad that camera angles, cinematography, plot lines and dialogue haven't changed much since 1998.
Score = 3
So Adam Brody plays Brandon Flowers? THAT will be awesome.
Score = 0