Old Dogs Is The John McCain Of Movies
Old Dogs trailer, you guys.
During the 2008 election, I supported Barack Obama for president. And I was very happy when he won. A lot of people were. But the thing that struck me more than anything last November was not the fact that the Democrats established controlling majorities in the House and Senate, or that America had its first black president, but that MILLIONS and MILLIONS of Americans voted for John McCain (and Sarah Palin). MILLIONS! Now, obviously they did. That was to be expected. It was not a surprise. Please have the decency to not think that I am such a moron. But my point is that it's very easy to get lulled into the sense that your opinion is the "correct" opinion; that your view of the world is the "right" view of the world. And in this particular instance the choice was so stark and to my mind OBVIOUS that it actually did require a certain amount of actual thinking to get my brain around the fact that faced with the choice between Barack Obama and John McCain (and Sarah Palin), more people than I can even fully conceptualize beyond a vague abstract idea of "millions" chose John McCain (and Sarah Palin).
Duh. Fine. Duh.
But the point is that, similarly, there are hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of people who will see this trailer and think "That movie looks funny and enjoyable, I am going to spend some of the money that I have on a ticket to go see it." They will not cringe, or derisively snort, or feel that it is scientifically impossible to find a less appealing duo than Robin Williams and John Travolta. They will not wonder what kind of world we live in that this is considered genuinely entertaining to anyone; a world in which the director of Wild Hogs was ever allowed near a movie camera again. They like it. They really do. Wild Hogs made 168 MILLION DOLLARS at the box office. So maybe we're wrong. Maybe we're the stupid assholes.
No we're not. This movie looks awful. I also dislike the taste of Brawndo.
Posted by Gabe at 1:00 PM in Trailer, What America Wants
Tags: Aging | John McCain | John Travolta | Old Dogs | Perfection | Robin Williams | Seth Green
i will watch it on a plane.
Score = 2
I will not watch it on a plane
I will not watch it on a train
I will not watch it with a fox
I will not watch it in a box
Score = 42
I might consider watching it in a box.
Score = 1
I thought this would be one thing - and it turned out to be a-whole-nother thing.
but this trailer did confirm that Robin Williams looks like an old lesbian, so there's that.
Score = 11
it also confirms that he is abnormally powerful at throwing, kicking and hitting things just like old lesbians.
Score = 9
I can't wait to this.
Score = 0
But it's got electrolytes...
Score = 11
I was convinced that Matt Dillon was dead before I saw this trailer. Nice to see he's getting work...
Score = 2
that is funny(?) because apparently Bernie Mac is this movie and I thought he was dead...
Score = 2
Normally, I'd make all types of jokes about Robin Williams' hairshirt magically turning into John Travolta's hairpiece, it being the worst, etc. Unfortunately, in five years when my to-be-born-any-day-now child is five, this movie will surely be my favorite. movie. ever.
Right along with 'Flubber' and 'G-Force' ( a future videogum classic)
Score = 5
About 30 seconds in I thought to myself "This looks suspiciously like the Wild Hogs trailer." And, well, there you go. Thanks America!
Score = 6
I did lol at the penguin attack tho.
Cuz penguins rule it pretty fuckin hard, dontchaknow.
Score = 2
I think I'm getting the reason why you didn't vote for (John McCain).
Score = 3
people also love will ferrell. and professional basketball. and sometimes, they even love living in manhattan and being a professional blogger. i don't know how they do it, but somehow they do. they just DO.
Score = -13
Cue American Patriot in 3... 2... 1...
Score = 3
Is it just me or is there a scene where it appears that Robin Williams is on acid?
Score = 0
depth perception medicine. some kinda mix-up. PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS!
Score = 8
But just imagine how AWFUL a movie would be if it featured Robin Williams on acid. That would be like the Dick Cheney of movies.
Score = 0
Wait, how is Bernie Mac going to be in this? Is he turning into the film industry's Tupac?
Score = 1
Featuring the reanimated corpse of Bernie Mac!
Score = -3
Your Dad saw this trailer, and he wants to see it with you when you come home for Thanksgiving.
Score = 21
It is scary how accurate this is going to be for me.
Last time I went home I had the pleasure of watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua because "it looked so funny at the video store!" And after my parents saw the cinematic tour de force that was "Wild Hogs" they told me I needed to go see it every time I called for at least three weeks.
Parents over 50 and children under 14 are where all the money in film is apparently.
Score = 6
Do we have the same parents? Because mine continue to be shocked whenever I say I haven't seen wild hogs. AND they bought be Beverly Hills Chihuahua because they heard it was "fantastic".
Score = 5
i know! my parents somehow find the one movie in the video store that no one on earth has ever heard of, not even the people in the movie. and these aren't art-house flicks or anything. they are (apparently) big-budget, big-name movies that came out in theaters a few months ago.
last night they watched new in town. who has ever heard of this? i don't know how they do it.
Score = 3
DAN: Means well but has bad aim and accidentally kicks a soccer ball at a kid's head because he hates kids (even though he was trying to help him because he clearly likes kids?) CHARLIE: Is single and sometimes flirts with women. VICKIE: Recently returned from vacation.
They are FATHERS all of the sudden, WHAT!? Unlike other fathers who deal with their children as babies first, they have to deal with elementary school kids who they didn't even KNOW as babies, WHOOPS! Wacky!
Here's a song that was popular in 2006, and a Gilmore Girls reference that doesn't even make sense because Loralie Gilmore could totally take a hit like that. Also, that show was cancelled in 2007, and was never really a pop culture phenomenon that you can just reference like that, and that joke is really just saying the title for no reason and it makes no sense at all? And you could also just have been like "Take that, Little Women" or "Take that, Pepper Anne"? And it's also a vaguely sexist and anti-intellectual joke because it's really just saying "Remember that show that other people watched but not us because it was about girls and probably feelings or something? Haha."
Also, then some kids mix up an over-the-hill man's medication (which we can all identify with!) and then it makes him have even WORSE aim, even though his bad aim was already established earlier in this trailer, so he probably would've thrown his keys into that glass key thing anyway. And then here's an asian who looks like an alien, because don't asians look like aliens? THEN because of the old man's bad aim, he hits a man in the nuts with a golf ball (which is different from the same joke that the trailer opened with because that time the ball hit a KID in the HEAD with a SOCCER ball). Which realizes all of our worse fears of being embarrassed in front of our country club golfing buddies!
And THEN, for some reason, which apparently has nothing to do with anything else we've seen in the trailer so far, they break into a zoo!
Score = 22
see? that's why this is the Straight Talk Express of trailers: it tells you EXACTLY what are you going to see in the movie, no distractions, no disguises, no bullshit. it is a family movie with Williams and Travolta, with wacky kids and animals, an assload of cheap slapstick humor and Seth Green getting hit in the balls
you like how it sounds? that's what you get. you don't like how it sounds? you better avoid this and spend your money in a more intellectual and, therefore, unfunny film, like Funny People, you snobbish bigot
Score = 3
Settle down Chris Brown.
Score = 7
Recently getting back home, I was surprised to find out that not only did everyone I know vote for McCain/Palin, they're also pretty self-assured about the fact that Barack Obama is a classic failure and everyone else is ashamed of how easily they were duped by this liberal-oil salesman. So basically this movie will do fine?
Score = 5
I was just surfing the Internet on my amazing cyber-surfboard, listening to the Spinners sing "Rubberband Man", when I stumbled upon this post. I shut down my other windows, turned up the volume, and concentrated. I felt a feeling akin to the navigator in a submarine, when suddenly there's a radar signature that he doesn't recognize. QUIET EVERYONE, THIS MIGHT BE SERIOUS.
For fuck's sake, the title even RHYMES with Wild Hogs.
Score = 7
COMING SOON, from the director of the hit comedies 'Wild Hogs' and 'Old Dogs':
Huge Logs
Wet Frogs
New Clogs
Man Jogs
Dead Horse Flogged
Score = 42
After the success of Paul Blart, nothing surprises me about american moviegoers anymore.
Score = 2
ho ho, you're smarter than da paul blart fanboysj! i can tell yoose think da big ideas!
Score = -3
I'm pretty sure if your MINOR CHILDREN ESCAPE INTO THE ZOO THE ZOO-DIRECTOR WILL LET YOU IN. Wtf, this movie? He's not just going to let them die because, "well, hey, it's closin' time."
Score = 6
tee hee, republicans are soooooooooooooooooo stupid! john mccain and sarah palin are soooo ridiculous and half the country (or less than half!! gloaty gloaty gloaty!) is soooo gay. hahaha. barack obama forever! change change change!
Score = -34
Less than half of those people would use the word "gay" as an insult, Smarty Smarty.
Score = 6
I once worked with a very nice man. We were talking about movies one afternoon and much to my surprise he had not seen (or even heard of in some cases) any of the films I had seen recently and enjoyed. He then said,
"You know what was hilarious? That biker movie with John Travolta."
"Wild Hogs?"
"Yeah, did you see that one?"
"I have not." We never talked about movies again.
Score = 7
Replace Wild Hogs with Paul Blart and I had the exact same conversation, with the exact same outcome.
Score = 1
You guys are the worst. This is the best movie of the summer! Who doesn't relate to accidental overdosing on depth perception pills?
Palin 2012!
Love,
John Travolta
Score = 8
If anyone relates to accidental overdose it's you, Mr Travolta.
ZING! / :(
Score = -1
I'd like to know what '80s Patrick Swayze has to say about this. Where'd he go?
Score = 1
My dad will watch this and LOVE. IT.
Gabe's "Hunt for the Worst Movie of All Time" is basically a list of my dad's favorite movies.
Score = 13
When I worked at a video store, Wild Hogs was the hottest rental for nearly three months. The first month it was completely rented out, but for the next two it was just really really popular. People would walk into the door and just blurt out "Wild Hogs?" in my general direction with their tongues hanging and the money in their pocket burning up.
I'm sure it'd be the same deal with this movie.
Score = 9
:23!!! Robin kisses john's wife right in front of him! wiiieerrrd.....
Score = 2
What is with Justin Long and deep voiced cameos lately?
Score = 0
Democrats have been in the majority in the House and Senate since 2006.
Score = -5
Democrats have been in the majority in the House and Senate since January 2007.
Score = 0
Eddie Murphy is SO MAD that he didn't get to make this first! Is it weird that I feel like Eddie Murphy has made and remade this type of movie 5 times? I think he's doing it again soon.
Score = 3
How can you not like Brawndo? It's the thirst mutilator! It's got electrolites! It's what plants frickin' crave! And what's with all your fancy words? Are you a fag?
You probably like water...like, from the toilet.
Score = 1
So it's, uh, Yes Green from now on, please?
Score = 0
Death is not an option: John Travolta or Robin Williams?
Score = 1
Scottie NO! Seth Green had the same exact scene in "Without a Paddle" only replace the gorilla with a bear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8pz1gIVWYc See, the gorilla/bear SO BIG, but Seth Green SO LITTLE. This movie will be #1 in the box office for 2+ weeks. I guarantee it.
Score = 1
I'll only watch this if Seth Green gets raped by the gorilla.
Score = 1
but old dogs has what plants crave
Score = 1