Everything That Is Going To Be Wrong With Transformers 2 In One Moment
Transformers 1 was a terrible movie. The opening sequence was pretty exciting, but as soon as they opened their mouths everything went to shit. Shut up, Transformers. And don't even get me started on that scene where they're tiptoeing through Shia LaBeouf's backyard. Shhh, you're going to wake up my parents, giant space robots! Oh no, not the bird bath! Woof. Needless to say, I have my doubts about the sequel. Doubts is probably the wrong word. Needless to say, I have my firm convictions in the inevitable terribleness of the sequel. Better. However, the teaser trailer was so good! I know that the movie is not going to be anything like the teaser trailer because that is moody and silent and cool, and Transformers 2 is going to colorful and noisy and stupid. This is a franchise based on toys and cartoons.
Well, yesterday a new trailer was released that leaves the dark violence of the teaser trailer behind, and brings us back into the eye-rolling world of Transformers 1, with hamball robot jokes, Megan Fox as empty sex object, and John Turturro. But one moment stands above the rest as being the singular reason that these movies fall so flat.
Look, I know how narrative progressions work, and the importance of generating viewer empathy to sustain interest for the length of a feature film. I've been to the Duh Academy's Film School For Duhmmies. But who gives a fuck about these robots? Just make them punch each other. First make them shut up, and then make them punch each other in the robot face. That is what we are here for. If we wanted to see Nights in Roboanthe, we would go see Bicentennial Man. A movie in which giant robots punched each other repeatedly without saying anything while humans who did not care about them because they are robots, robots that turn into boomboxes and sports cars, tried to get out of the way would be great. And it would actually be less dumb than this.
You know what this is like? This is like someone making a movie adaptation of Rampage and Shia LaBeouf heart-achingly screaming out "RAAAAALPH!"
That is what this is like.
Full trailer, you guys:
Posted by Gabe at 1:15 PM in Everyone's A Critic, Trailer
Tags: Megan Fox | Michael Bay | Shia LaBeouf | Transformers 2
Good to know that if I ever want to know how much a soul costs, I can ask John Turturro.
Score = 12
Clearly, the poignancy of Optimus Prime's "death" in the original Transformer's animated movie didn't have the same heartbreaking and devastating effect on your childbrain.
Score = 12
Don't forget the Mountain Dew vending machines on a rampage.
and Micheal Bay.
Score = 2
More Rampage references, plz.
Score = 10
"But who gives a fuck about these robots? Just make them punch each other. First make them shut up, and then make them punch each other in the robot face."
Gabe earns 17 internets for this one.
Score = 16
what's more unbelievable than giant transforming robots?
Shia LaBoeuf and Megan Fox's characters having a successful long distance relationship.
Score = 47
I am still awaiting apologies for the following:
1. From the person who actually said I should give this movie a shot and claimed that this stupid shit made his inner child cry in delight. (My inner child is currently plotting to jab him with a jumbo primary pencil at recess.)
2. From the writer who thought hey, let's have Optimus Prime have a monolouge set to Linkin Park.
The saddest part is I know neither will be fufilled but I'm still hurt.
Score = 10
2. Michael Bay is no writer. he is just an Awesome.
Score = -12
at least the trailer editors know not to let (almost) anyone speak in the trailer. good move. also, no need for a story, thanks. (we got Independence Day/Armageddon FIREBALLS going through BUILDINGS !!!). i rate this an awesome out of awesome.
btw, anyone know if Michael Bay can legally be given the credit "From director"? someone jumped the gun on that.
Score = 6
sorry. it was the silent teaser that i found. (at least it shows i hadn't even seen that when it came out.)
the trailer: at least they're starting with what they feel is their strongest scene -- the ludicrous Bumblebee crying scene. i'm hooked!
Score = 0
I don't care. I'm going to watch this and I am going to like it.
Score = 4
I'm actually surprised that there isn't already a Rampage movie.
Score = 7
Why did you have to see the trailer to figure out that a movie called Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen would be terrible?
Score = 18
At least Megan Fox doesn't look like an Oompa Loompa as badly in this film.
And she definitely knows how to fix a motorcycle while trying to get a yeast infection. She is a definite pro
Score = 27
Well said. We could all use a lesson in work appropriate attire from that living embodiment of class. When I saw that shot, I got worried for a second that her vagina was going to fall out right in front of my eyes.
Score = 9
When are we going to get to the Dinobots?
Score = 5
I'm really disappointed in Gabe for forgetting so soon how important Giant Robots are to classic filmdom. Perhaps he should rewatch the following:
Citizen Kane: Rosebot
Casabotsca
The Wizard of Bots
The Empire Strikes Bots
Raging Bot
The Botfather
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (Hint: Giant Robots)
Bringing Up Botby
Bot-Hur
From Here to Boturnity
The Bot of a Nation
E.T.B.: The Extra-Terrestrial Bot
2001: A Space Odyssey--With Giant Robots!
Some Like it Bot
Score = 42
I feel like people award Internets too easily. But gosh darn it, I'm gonna go ahead and say you win 'em all.
Score = 2
I remember the day I discovered Megatron also wanted everything in my mind. It was a Monday.
Score = 9
Rainn Wilson is in this !?? dude needs to fire his agent, he is the most godawful movies....
What Gabe, you dont feel the raw emotion of shia laBeouf and megan foxx shouting someones name? it gets me everytime......OPTIMUS!!!!!
Score = 10
clearly you haven't seen the last mimzy...
Score = 1
Its actually a pretty smart move on his part, because after this and My Super Ex-Girlfriend among others, its clear he's taking the Paul Rudd style of accepting crappy movies: "This is going to be terrible....wait, how much are they paying me? For how much work? And I can be high and/or drunk the entire time? Ahh, fuck it, I'll do it."
These are movies where the motivations are so clear and the performance so phoned in that its as if the guy is actually mocking the movie with every scene he's in. See: Paul Rudd in Friends or Over Her Dead Body. You can tell he's probably not even reading the script he cares so little: "Wait, that wasn't the right line? Does it really matter? I'm talking to a ghost played by Eva Longoria, will another take make that fact any less stupid? Are we done here, I'm losing my buzz?"
Trust me, Rainn Wilson is going to sleepwalk through this, with a "I know exactly how stupid this sounds" wink to the audience with every line he's given and it will make everyone like him more, not less.
Score = -1
It's a movie about giant robots destroying shit. Of course its gonna be terrible, Duh 101: summer sessions.
Just enjoy it for what it is, which is an impressive qualitative testament to computer generated visual effects. Jeez.
Score = 3
"STOP THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Score = 3
amazing
Score = 0
Just be careful if you see the wallpaper start melting off the walls.
Score = 0
i don't care what any of you say. i'm going to go opening weekend.
Score = 4
While Gabe makes an excellent point, clearly the worst hits the fan when Sam realizes "Megatron wants what's in my mind".
Shut it down.
Score = 6
I'm going to see this with a willfully enthusiastic outlook - and I'm going to enjoy this shit.
I disagree with Videogum. There. I said it.
*waits for down votes*
Score = 12
Good, Becca. We've gotta stand up to the man.
Score = 7
hell yeah me too! its summer movies c'mon, you shouldn't even be making fun of it, go see it and enjoy it, looks fun.
Score = 2
The film leaked. Get it while you can:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IXCK1EyP4s
Score = 14
And everything that is going to be right with Transformers 2 can be summed up by the giant city-sized tower of toys sucking at Egypt at the end there.
Score = 0
I told my friends I'd go with them this summer because I like watching things blow up on the IMAX screen.
After seeing that trailer, I know I have basically created an inescapable, 2 hour 30 minute hell for myself.
Score = 2
If anything ever goes wrong, Michael Bay will be my constant.
Score = 6
I thoroughly enjoyed the first one, and it seems like I will thoroughly enjoy this one.
Score = 0
I love it when ancient Egypt and the pyramids are the answer to everything in the movies.
The problem with the first Transformers was too much time wasted on the "characters" not enough robot fighting! Yeah, Shia LeBoooh (the nerd) is totally going to score with the hot chick. Too much talking, not enough fighting.
Score = 1
Oh Gabe. Re: the whole disappointment disillusion with the first one, could your media savvy ass have walked into the theater turned on the dvd changed the channel or whatever not knowing somehow you were watching a Michael Bay movie based on an 80s cartoon based on the astonishingly stupid notion of intergalactic sentient robots that decide to come to the earth and transform into cars and fight each other here because because, and of course make a special pal of a special special boy simply just because for like the oldest reason ever, like the original reason : move toy units? And like, Michael, Bay. Did you not know this? Did you expect, like, subtlety? I was worried Gabe that we needed to have a grown up talk about managing expectations for the sake of your fragile heart. But now that I've seen the clip I realize it's all about the Dave Gahan hair circa 1984 on the endearingly despicable whathisface. It always comes down to hair care product with you Gabe. But I guess that's ok so long as you keep the flaming funny, and you do.
Score = 2
Ralph was the giant werewolf. George was the gorilla.
Score = 0
So, they want the secret knowledge in Sam's head?
Transformers 2 is basically a 2 hour ripoff of Chuck with giant robots. Right. This crapfest cost $150 million to make, but Chuck is the most fun show on TV and in danger of being cancelled.
Screw you, Hollywood, especially since the guys who wrote this metal turd are responsible for Fringe, which is fucking amazing.
Score = 1
ARE YOU HIGH? that movie was good and as to transformers 2 it was even better. you have no clue what you are talking about
Score = 0
ARE YOU HIGH? that movie was good and as to transformers 2 it was even better. you have no clue what you are talking about
Score = 0
ARE YOU HIGH? that movie was good and as to transformers 2 it was even better. you have no clue what you are talking about
Score = 0