Videogum Home - designed by Guilherme Rosa

 

October 3, 2008

At What Point Do We Just Put Kevin James In Jail?

Kevin James has a new movie coming out called Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It's about a big fat guy who is so lame and he's so fat and lame that all he can be is a mall cop because aren't mall cops the worst? They're not even real cops! But then some criminals take over the mall Die Hard style and it's revealed that even though he's fat and lame and the worst, he's also got a heart of gold. And is a hero.

Get it? He's fat! Segway scooter! I'm sorry! This is the worst!

Can we put Kevin James in jail now? Isn't that how jail works? When people do enough harm to society, you put them in jail so that they can't hurt people anymore. And by the looks of his body, he's become a danger to himself as well. So putting Kevin James in jail would actually benefit everybody. Except the people in jail. Sorry, jailies.

Posted by Gabe at 3:15 PM in ,
Tags:  |




26 Comments

randi

"peanut blart and jelly?!" if this takes in more than pluto nash i think i might have to kill myself.

Posted by: randi profile link at 10/03/08 3:26 PM | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down
I PEE GOLD

He's like so fat and like so stupid that his stupid fat face is bad at his stupid mall cop job because hes to fat and stupid and lame that he cant even be good at anything because of his fat lame and stupid face and he cant even get a gun or a real badge cause he's so bad at life and work because hes a stupid fat lame empty shell of a stupid lame fat man who's lame fat and so stupid that hes to fat to even do a tiger roll because of all his fat and stupid face would get in the way of his stupid body cause hes to fat and lame to roll and all his life hes wanted to be a stupid fat mustache wearing police officer but hes to lame to actually become one and so stupid that he cant get a GED and progress in life cause hes so fat lame and stupid.

Posted by: I PEE GOLD profile link at 10/03/08 3:34 PM | Reply
Score = 3 Vote up Vote down
Angelaaaa

I won't be gaining any new best friends with this, but how can your cold black heart not enjoy the fat-man-who-can-surprisingly-dance-better-than-you-would've-thought-if-you-had-had-to-guess clip?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wumzvY0b9yg

Posted by: Angelaaaa profile link at 10/03/08 3:45 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

So how long until Kevin James and Larry the Cable Guy do a buddy cop movie?

Posted by: Tony at 10/03/08 4:44 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

FAT.

Posted by: Bobo at 10/03/08 4:58 PM | Reply
Score = 3 Vote up Vote down

Angela- I'm with you- You gotta love the q-tip dance! You may all proceed to hate me now.

Posted by: Selena at 10/03/08 5:08 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

lock him up!

Posted by: matt at 10/03/08 5:11 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

I think about Kevin James's stand-up like once a week, in that he has a very TRUE bit about how obvious it is that a guy is walking with a weird stride so as to adjust his underwear/genitals.

You can't argue with facts, Gabe. You just can't.

Posted by: Max Silvestri profile link at 10/03/08 5:48 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

It's like Home Alone, but with an adult. Who's fat.

Posted by: TigerMachine profile link at 10/03/08 7:32 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

This might be the greatest movie of all time.

Posted by: no... at 10/03/08 8:29 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down
Parker

Kevin James's stand-up was alright..I could watch it with my mom and laugh. But his movies are horrendous.

Posted by: itsthenewjanbrady profile link at 10/03/08 10:11 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Kevin James is da derp dee derp da teetley derpee derpee dumb

Posted by: Kasper Husted at 10/04/08 11:57 AM | Reply
Score = 2 Vote up Vote down

This is an insult to the comedic integrity of Burlington, Massachusetts. Why? It was filmed at the Burlington Mall: the second claim to fame of Burlington, MA. The first? Amy Poehler.

Posted by: amy at 10/04/08 5:41 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

This is an insult to the comedic integrity of Burlington, Massachusetts. Why? It was filmed at the Burlington Mall: the second claim to fame of Burlington, MA. The first? Amy Poehler.

Posted by: amy at 10/04/08 5:42 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

sorry but i think hes hot

Posted by: Sammy at 10/06/08 12:52 PM | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

Thank you!

Posted by: Genevieve in reply to Sammy's comment at 10/08/08 2:03 PM | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

i used to think he was hot and i kind of like some extra baggage on a guy, but it's gone too far. he really needs to lose a few, then i'll do him.

Posted by: huskygay at 10/06/08 8:29 PM | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

it's so unfair that an overweight, semi-funny (i assume), not especially charismatic or good looking MAN can be given job after job after job, but in order for a WOMAN to get job after job she has to be some combination of skinny, pretty, young, obscenely talented or slutty-looking.

it's adam sandler. if adam sandler were best friends with ricki lake, she'd be starring in stupid, insulting movies, too.

also, p.s. that wasn't nearly as stupid as i expected it to be. it was no 'white girls' or 'norbit.'

Posted by: caringiscool at 10/07/08 11:51 AM | Reply
Score = -2 Vote up Vote down
aaron

WHITE GIRLS! Has that been nominated for Worst Movie of All Time Yet?

Posted by: aaron profile link in reply to caringiscool's comment at 10/11/08 6:36 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Why isn't this post about the fat kid dressed like Christopher Titus who says, "there's some crazy people tryin' to take over the mall?" Seriously.

Posted by: Todd at 10/07/08 4:01 PM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Kevin James is definitely the worst, but I'm just glad that a movie is finally taking on the problem of extreme sports terrorists taking over malls in West Orange, NJ. Because that happens all the time. Except for when it never happens. Because thats a fucking stupid idea.

Posted by: Liam at 10/07/08 8:21 PM | Reply
Score = 2 Vote up Vote down

I think Kevin James is attractive. So I will be watching this on aol. Well maybe.

Posted by: Genevieve at 10/08/08 2:04 PM | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

how can you hate on kevin james? he is so cute and so funny. i will definitely be watching theis movie.

Posted by: aa at 10/09/08 5:56 PM | Reply
Score = 2 Vote up Vote down

So basically Kevin James is doing a uniformed adult version of Home Alone 4, but without the cute.

Posted by: sarcasticmeow at 10/12/08 5:03 AM | Reply
Score = -1 Vote up Vote down

WHOA, Kevin James has gotten really fat.

Posted by: Drew at 10/25/08 2:23 AM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

this website does far worse to society than this mall cop flick.

Posted by: edc at 12/10/08 8:16 AM | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Leave a comment


Staff

  • Founder/Editor-In-Chief: Scott Lapatine
  • Senior Editor: Gabe Delahaye
  • Executive Editor: Amrit Singh

Info

Contact

You Can Make It Up logo
Gabe loves fan fiction. You Can Make It Up features his own personal alternate adventures starring some of our favorite characters.

You Can Make It Up: People Tell Carrie Prejean What An Asshole She Is

Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a...

MORE »

The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time logo
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.

The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: In The Land Of The Women

If you are a sassy and sarcastic young man in an American sitcom who represents the sitcom writer's desire that a nerdy Jewish teenager can somehow be the desirable romantic hero in this world, then eventually you will get a...

MORE »

Monsters' Ball logo
This week's five highest rated comments as voted on by you, the lowest rated comment as voted on by you, and the editor's choice.

Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments

I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're...

MORE »

Double Dog logo
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.

Double Dog: I Took A TV Bus Tour Alone In A "Just Jack" Tshirt

The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...

MORE »

Videogum Movie Club logo
Let's all go to the movies, and let's all see the same movie, and let's discuss it here.

The Videogum Movie Club: 2012

Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....

MORE »