They showed a red band trailer for The Punisher: War Zone at the comic book festival, you guys, and let me just say, OM God:
I take back what I said previously about how this movie looked like Moulin Rouge directed by Joel Schumacher. It looks like Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem directed by Robert Rodriguez. Don't get me wrong, it still looks like probably the worst thing ever made in the history of making, but it's horrible for totally different reasons than the ones I first assumed. It's so disappointing, too, as someone who loves and supports vigilante justice (also known as regular justice). And you know the studio isn't supporting a film like this when they won't even give them the budget for Drowning Pool's "Bodies." Awww. Let the bodies hit the knock off song, let the bodies hit the knock off song.
The trailer has been released for The Brothers Bloom (October 24), a madcap caper movie about two grifters pulling one last big con, and getting the tables turned on them by their beautiful mark. Sound ten times of familiar? Who cares? Mark Ruffalo:
(Also starring Adrien Brody and Rachel Weisz, and by the director of Brick.) By my reckoning, this movie will be 80% Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, 17% Ocean's 11, and 3% The Darjeeling Limited.
There's a new red band trailer for My Best Friend's Girl, starring Kate Hudson, Jason Biggs, and Dane Cook as Tank, a guy whose job it is to act like an asshole (good casting) but who then becomes a romantic lead (never). I'm embedding this for three reasons:
1. Because when I saw Step Brothers and there was a line making fun of Dane Cook, the entire theater laughed and some people applauded.
2. Because can you believe how cliche every single joke in this trailer is? The movie is rated R, and I don't think there are any 17-year-olds who haven't already heard the "It's not going to suck itself" line. (I mean, in the context of jokes!)
3. Because Alec Baldwin is in it, and he's still god, as evidenced by his very funny line at the end:
I'm sorry about the first two minutes (That's What He Said), but that Alec Baldwin line is awesome. Not actually-seeing-the-movie awesome, but awesome.
Apparently this documentary, Trouble the Water, premiered at Sundance this year and won BIG PRIZES, not that we would know because we WEREN'T INVITED. But it looks great, and while you may be able to keep me out of your schwag bag party, you can't disinvite me from paying ten dollars to see it in a movie theater, Robert Communist Russia Redford.
Remember in The Day After Tomorrow, when Jake Gyllenhaal and all his pals were in the New York Public Library and ice was chasing them down the hallway? But then they closed the door to that reading room and all the ice piled up on the door, banging with its ice fists to get in, but they were safe because they'd slammed the door in ice's face? That's all. I just wanted you to remember that.
If the trend of bourgeois angst filmmaking that began with movies like Ordinary People and the Big Chill have taught us anything over the past 30 years it's that being a financially comfortable white person in America is hard! What Just Happened? trailer, you guys:
At some point, obviously, someone is going to make a movie not just about making a movie, but about making a movie about making movies. And at that point we'll be able to take off our shoes, lie in bed, and wait for the water to cover the Earth, because entertainment will be over. We will have finished it. Until that happens, though, let's all enjoy (NOT!) another navel-gazing piece of Hollywoodian masturbation about an internecine world of professional narcissists and paid sycophants whose disconnect with reality is so profound they think that what they do is interesting. What's next, a movie about blogging? The only thing more unpleasant than watching sausage get made is watching the sausage complain about it to its couples therapist.
There's a new trailer for this year's Jim Carrey Christmas movie, Yes Man, about a guy who lies says no a lot until he becomes a guy who can't lie say no at all. It looks very similar to Liar Liar (1997's top-grossing film), is what I'm saying. With a little The Bucket List thrown in. And it's sponsored by Red Bull:
There's also this puzzling poster for Yes Man. Are they trying to say that there's something about deciding to say yes to everything that makes a person mentally handicapped?
There are only two truly great pre-1900 period films: Gone With The Wind and Dangerous Liasons. The rest are either cute (Emma, The Prides And Prejudices) annoying (Marie Antoinette) or walk-out-of-the-theater dull (like, everything else). In the trailer for Keira Knightly's upcoming The Duchess, Knightly plays an innocent young girl with pretty dresses who marries into royalty and gets caught up in its politics, and must be headstrong and ahead of her time and rebellious to get the love she deserves or whatever. I avoid period films like the plague (get it, the plague?) and I've still seen this movie at least fifteen times:
There is now a trailer for Surfer Dude, the movie Matthew McConaughey was filming when the great surfer/paparazzi war of June 22nd and 23rd threatened to tear Malibu asunder, and I can't tell if the fact that it's a perfect and ultimate parody of itself is going to make it a cult classic, or a forgettable movie. But catchphrase-ready lines like "Somethin's wrong with these fish, man" and the fact that it's a movie about a surfer who gets caught up with an evil businessman who wants to "digitize" him make me lean toward the former:
With lines like "I'm not an assclown in a green room. I'm a surfer, dude." it's clear that they're making fun of themselves. Whether that means Surfer Dude should be a five minute funny or die video or a full length film remains to be seen. Either way, Matthew McConaughey is going to be so typecast after this! Just kidding.
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