I just saw a billboard for a new play called "oy vey, my son is gay!" what's it about?! What religion is everyone in this play?!
Haha. A classic case of "show, don't tell" done perfectly.
Well, apparently that play has been turned into a movie? And there is a trailer on-line (sent in via Videogum Tips Hall-of-Famer, Amil), and oh boy. While you might not think that it would be possible for a movie called Oy Vey! My Son Is Gay! to actually be worse than that name, which is literally the worst name, the movie looks so much worse than the title! You'll be saying "Hey, cool title," after you watch this trailer. My eyes are still kvetching! ("Kvetching" is Yiddish for "bleeding vomit.")
This movie looks great, because it looks just like a lot of other movies that were already great. Liev Schreiber is going to isolate the background noise from the voice recording and discover that Angelina Jolie is standing near an above ground train. "WHAT CITY HAS AN ABOVE-GROUND TRAIN?!" That is what Liev Schreiber is going to yell. "GET ME THE ONE-ARMED SALT BOURNE!" Because we are all just batteries for the robots, and whoa, Angelina Jolie knows Kung Fu.
Totally. Got it. So, see, he's got this dagger that is a treasure who knows where he found it (or perhaps IT found HIM?) but the Gods have a plan for him and he has felt its power, it unlocks the Sands of Time and it...OK, this is where it's a little confusing but it mostly makes sense...see the Sands of Time turns you into a Sand Creature, like the bad guy in Spiderman-3. Remember Spider-Man 3? That was not a very good movie! The whole Bad Tobey Maguire thing where he's got bangs and he dances down the street? Come on. Sorry, OK, so, now you are a magical time traveling sand person, and what we have to do is go to the Mines of Moria and bury the dagger in, like, a garden or something? Because Ben Kingsley (winner of the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1982 for his role in Ghandi) wants to use the dagger to become a sand person to make a dust storm go into the village. But will they be able to get the dagger to Persian Mount Doom in Persian Mordor in time, or will it be too late because they're too busy FUCKING?
Seriously, I think I've got it. I just hope that they show the trailer at the beginning of the movie, and then every 20 minutes or so during the movie, to help remind me what the hell is going on.
HAHAHAHAH, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC? Yay! We did it! We walked around a dun-colored nightmarish hellscape of inhumanly horrifying post-Apocalyptic tragedy! And then the United States came from behind to beat Russia in Olympic hockey! THANK YOU, PRESIDENT BARTLET!
(I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying that if you wanted to remix this video with even more ridiculous music, put it on YouTube, and post a link in the comments, I wouldn't be mad.)
Finally, a movie that combines my two favorite things: uplifting underdog sports triumph stories with historical examinations of institutional racism. High five. The best part about this movie, though, isn't the surprising triumph of the South African rugby team against all odds, but how it reminds us that racism is over and everyone in South Africa has moved from the shanty towns into modern homes with electricity and running water and windows for windows instead of mud-slicked garbage bags. That is why District 9 was such a failure, because it didn't make any sense. "Metaphor? What metaphor? If you want to talk metaphors, why aren't the prawns and the humans uniting over their mutual love of rugby?"
Actually, no, the best thing about this movie--the second best thing being its realistic and important portrayal of how rugby ended racism forever*--is Matt Damon's accent. "I'm a doohly appaynted fedehral rugby." (What am I even talking about, everything about this movie is perfect.)
*In South Africa. Rugby ended racism forever in South Africa. If you would like to learn how racism was ended in America, you need to watch the Clint Eastwood documentary, Gran Torino.
Oh. Oh no! Cheryl Hines directed this? Not our Cheryl Hines, right? A different Cheryl Hines. You don't know her, she's from Canada. This looks like a joke. Are we sure this isn't just a bonus feature from the Funny People DVD? Perhaps this was supposed to be a lead-in to Tropic Thunder but it got lost under a mid-century sofa somewhere. "Whoops, where's the fake trailer for the fake movie that couldn't possibly be real, Serious Moonlight?" "It appears that we've misplaced it, Mr. Stiller. Shall I search all of Malibu?" "You know, it's probably for the best."
I know that some things just aren't made for me, like, I'm clearly not the intended audience. I know that, of course I know that. So it makes sense that, say, the Sex and the City movie tries to appeal to lonely middle-aged midwestern women who have abandoned their dreams and live in a fog of unattainable aspirational fantasies rather than grumpy 60-something male pop culture blog writers. I get it! But sometimes there are things that even though they don't even attempt to appeal to me, still suggest an available and interested audience that I refuse to believe exists. Take, just for a totally random example that just happens to work conveniently for our purposes, this Tooth Fairy trailer. No one should want this. And if someone does want this, they should be buried in a pine coffin and forced to one-inch punch their way back to the living. Faced with that kind of terrifying mortal threat and test of one's martial arts training, you definitely reorganize your priorities in life. Am I suggesting burying thousands of children alive unless they recognize that this movie looks like absolute garbage? Yes. Yes, I am. WHEN I WAS A KID WE GOT BURIED ALIVE UPHILL BOTH WAYS!
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