The Ultimate Argument Settler: 8 Local Commercials That Should Be Turned Into Movies
Well, here's a movie they're making. From Variety (via FilmDrunk):
Danny DeVito is set to direct "Crazy Eddie," a pic based on the life of consumer electronics king Eddie Antar.Antar was a pioneer in discount consumer electronics, and Crazy Eddie's grew to 43 stores, fueled by TV ads in which a frenzied pitchman promised prices that were "In-sa-a-a-a-a-ane!" Antar took the company public and briefly became a Wall Street sensation.
He'd been skimming money and falsifying inventory to inflate stock value. Losing control of his company in a hostile takeover, Antar went on the lam after the new owners uncovered his financial shenanigans and the SEC charged him with stock fraud. He fled to Israel -- where he'd deposited millions of dollars -- only to be extradited three years later. He ultimately served a prison term that ended in 1999 and was ordered to pay $150 million in fines.
Fair enough, I guess. We've got to make a movie out of something while we wait for the next thrilling, super-good adaptation of Philip Pullman's Dark Materials series (Golden Compass 2: Full Sentient Polar Bear Throttle, or whatever). But if Crazy Eddie is getting his own movie, then there are a lot of other local commercial stars who deserve the Hollywood treatment. 8 other local commercial stars. Here is a scientific list of all of them that is missing absolutely nothing and is definitely complete, no doubt about it.
The Silas Deane Pawn Shop Commercial
Title: Being Arnold Schwarzenegger
Tagline: It might be a tumor.
Description: Two friends explore the meaning of being and selfhood when they find a portal into the consciousness of Arnold Schwarzenegger and come out the other end in a drainage ditch next to US 101 being able to do passable impersonations of him.
The Vern Fonk Insurance Commercials
Title: Shapoopi
Tagline: Baby on board.
Description: A ragtag gang of men who refuse to grow up try to figure out how to insure a baby when it is left on their doorstep.
Flea Market Montgomery
Title: Hustle & Flea
Tagline: It's hard out here for a market.
Description: A young man struggling to make ends meet decides to pursue his dream by selling sofas out of a sofa studio in his house. When a local celebrity in the sofa game (Chris Bridges) returns home, the young man thinks this may be his big shot, but nothing is ever that easy, especially selling sofas.
The Queens Boulevard Ford Mercury Dealer Commercial
Title: Queens Boulevard
Tagline: Get out of his dreams and into his car.
Description: Like The Sopranos, but retarded.
The Schweig Engel Commercials
Title: Schweig Engel: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Tagline: Shop till you drop...from being MURDERED.
Description: A serial killer with a machete is hired to manage a local furniture store.
Christopher Knight's Star Wars-Themed School Board Political Advertisement
Title: Sad Wars: The Christopher Knight Story
Tagline: May the :( be with you.
Description: One man attempts to use his idiosyncratic charm and his love of Star Wars to genuinely make the world a better place, but he can't, because the world is run by former members of Alpha Beta and they won't let him. "NERDS GET OUT!"
The Norton Furniture Commercial
Title: Rosemary's Sofa
Tagline: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Description: A woman...is pregnant...and a bunch of dudes hold her down to a bed in a dentist's waiting room...while she screams and screams...and then a middle-aged dude is hiding under the bed like a FUCKING NIGHTMARE, and the woman won't give birth, but this has something to do with furniture. It's like Knocked Up meets The Strangers meets Whoops, I Just Killed Myself.
The Mr. Spriggs BBQ Commercial
Title: Good BBQ
Tagline: Get you some of that mmm-mmm-good.
Description: Exactly the plot of Good Burger, but with BBQ. Winner of Academy Award for Best Score.
OK, Hollywood, you've got the Videogum Green Light. Have these movies on my desk by 5PM or I want your badge.
P.S. What is it about selling furniture that makes people INSANE?
Posted by Gabe at 4:45 PM in Local Commercials, The Ultimate Argument Settler, What America Wants
Tags: Movie Adaptations
Can I nominate the Cash Man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSQVVHyvOZU
Score = 2
hey woah, hey woah. no love for Jones's Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage????!?!?!?!?!
can we say summer FUNBUSTER?!?!?
Score = -4
hey woah, hey woah. no love for Jones's Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage????!?!?!?!?!
can we say summer FUNBUSTER?!?!?
Score = 9
Yep, I second the nomination for Jones. It'd be an inspirational story. A young inner-city kid falls into the gang life, but manages to get out when he buys a warehouse for a dollar.
Score = 0
Don't you read? The list is scientific. That means that you can't dispute it. Now I'll retreat to my alchemy laboratory.
Score = 10
J. Michael Gallagher needs a movie pronto.
Score = 0
The Flea Market commercial made me want to kill myself, but the Norton Furniture commercial made me want to kill my ghost self and then stab my lifeless body a few times.
Score = 4
I thought the Flea Market commercial was pretty hilarious, but what exactly is appealing about a mini mall?
Score = 4
It's just a like a flea market.
Score = 11
My favorite tag line from a local car commercial is "He just wants to get you a loan!" I think that would be a pretty good, yet creepy movie. It could be about a pedophile or a could be a slasher flick! Or both!
Score = 1
I also heard about a documentary about Winnebago Man premiering at South by Southwest. It's called "Winnebago Man."
Poor guy's now a blind recluse apparently.
Score = 0
Eagle Man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_y1xfzV8dM
Score = 3
Oh, look at those low rates!
Score = 0
wow, i'm really shocked that russell oliver (toronto) isn't on this list. "I BUY YOUR JEWELLERY" is a joke phrase 'round these parts. the commercial is hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSQVVHyvOZU
Score = 0
Ohhh... THAT Norton Furniture. That makes their ad pretty low on the "crazy" scale, if we're talking comparatively.
Score = 1
Oh Lord...this is the most sedate Norton's Furniture commercial out there. Well, sedate for him anyway. Now scream!
Score = 0
it would Tyler Perry's Good BBQ or Tyler Perry's Good BBQ at a Wedding.
Score = 5
Tyler Perry's Madea Eats Some Good BBQ
Score = 2
My name is Mark, and you can count on it.
Score = 3
I live in Cleveland and I didn't even know people outside of here knew of the horror of Norton Furniture commercials. I've been seeing this guy's commercials for twenty years. Imagine seeing these (Oh, there are more, hundreds more and each one is weirder than the last) late at night as a little kid. It's the stuff of nightmares.
Score = 3
Whoops. You forgot Wet Pets. I mean, unless you know of some other place where fish and lizards hang out with cats and chinchillas.
Score = 1
Mark Gormley in...Little Wings 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Come for the wings, stay for the Katt.
Score = 6
"May the :( be with you". lolz.
Score = 1
Oh man, I've seen that Queens Boulevard car dealers commercial 100x times on NY1. It's pretty much made me never want to buy an American-made car ever again.
Score = 1