April 11, 2008

The Pitch: Celebrate Your Pet's Birthday By Buying Things

Do you ever see a commercial, movie trailer, or new TV show and try to imagine the corporate board meeting that must have led to its creation? I do. I call these fever dreams "The Pitch."

First up: PetSmart Has a Very Special Guilt-Based Sale

Setting: PetSmart Corporate Headquarters, Phoenix, AZ:

PetSmart CEO: It's my dog's birthday today, so I have to leave a little early for the party.
Marketing Guy 1: Party?
PetSmart CEO: Yeah, the kids wanted to throw a party and invite all of Urkel's friends from the dog park.
Marketing Guy 2: Urkel? Jesus, how old is your dog?
PetSmart CEO: 17, today!
Marketing Guy 1: Well, dog birthdays are important to dogs. Or kids, or whatever.
Marketing Guy 2: Say, that gives me an idea...you know how we were talking last week about how we wish there was a Christmas for Dogs? Like a special different Christmas just for spending money at PetSmart on dog presents?
Marketing Guy 1: Yeah, but with everything going on in the world the last thing we need is a new dog religion.
Marketing Guy 2: Well, what if we had a dog birthday sale? Think of the guilt-
PetSmart CEO: The crushing guilt, if people don't celebrate their dog's birthdays!
Marketing Guy 1: "Mommy, Daddy, if we don't take Bennifer and Ruffles to PetSmart and buy them things for their birthday they'll be sad!"
PetSmart CEO: Why just dogs, though? Surely there are people out there with turtle or hamster parenting guilt.
Marketing Guy 2: Let's just have a Pet Birthday Sale! For an entire month!