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July 27, 2009

The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: The Road To Wellville

After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but that can't always be true. Like, sure, sometimes people have good intentions but they lose sight of other very important moral considerations and then, whoops, you're in hell! But other times it seems like the road to hell must be paved with awful intentions. Just really terrible, nightmarish intentions. It's a very short road, in that case. Direct route. And then SOMETIMES it seems like the road to hell must be paved with absolutely no intentions at all. That's the road that the crew of the Event Horizon took, for example. They didn't know that the experimental Gravity Drive would take the ship to some kind of Hell Dimension and condemn them all to an eternity of suffering, but there they were, shrieking and pulling their skin off with their fingers.

I'm not sure which road The Road to Wellville took, or which road it is? Admittedly, I am starting to get tangled up in my metaphor. The point is: this movie sucks, like how hell probably sucks.

The Road to Wellville is based on a novel of the same name by T. Coraghessan Boyle, who by all accounts is a wonderful writer. I don't know whether or not that is true because outside of maybe one or two short stories in the New Yorker (that's right, the NEW YORKER!) I haven't really read anything by him. So let us just assume that the book on which the movie is based is wonderful and hilarious. Or not. In fact, no, let us not assume anything about the book. And in that vein let us not even talk about the book. But to understand the movie one has to understand at the very least that it was based on a book, because I have no idea how else to make sense of how this movie ever got made. It is a fictional account of a historical figure, John Harvey Kellogg, who was turn of the 20th century physician in Battle Creek, Michigan, who ran a Sanitarium based on his unique ideas about health, and who also invented cornflakes with his brother, Will. The movie centers around a married couple, the Lightbodys, played by Matthew Broderick and Bridget Fonda, who come to the Sanitarium in an effort to cure Mr. Lightbody's chronic constipation, and Bridget Fonda's...being married to someone with chronic constipation. What follows is two hours of Matthew Broderick getting enemas and Bridget Fonda getting fisted and Anthony Hopkins (who plays Dr. Kellogg) doing his best Colonel Sanders impersonation. Meanwhile, there is also a plotline about John Cusack who is a young would-be entrepreneur who wants to start his own line of cornflakes and goes into business with a con artist and also Dana Carvey, who plays Dr. Kellogg's estranged, possibly-retarded son. In the end, the Sanitarium burns to the ground, Dr. Kellogg and Dan Carvey love each other again, Matthew Broderick and Bridget Fonda stop getting enemas and fisted, and John Cusack invents Coca Cola.

HUH?

Digression: have you ever walked into, say, a clothing store, and everything in the clothing store is so hideous and awful to you that it almost feels like it must be some kind of a joke? Like obviously people would not actually wear these clothes? An Ed Hardy clothing store, for example. But despite the store being completely counter to your own sense of the world, you also recognize that the store is entirely consistent. That whoever put the store together had a personal vision of their own for how things should be, and the store clearly and effectively reflected that vision? And so you find yourself at odds because it's not like they just fucked up or didn't put any effort into this thing: it's just that everything that they believe and everything that they want is in direct and ACTIVE opposition to what you believe and want? Have you ever walked into one of those stores?

Return:

Fart jokes? Bowel movement jokes? Masticate/masturbate jokes? Capped off with a pratfall? It's like The Magic Mountain meets Paul Blart: Sanitarium Cop. And the whole movie is a variation on this. Endless discussions of people farting and pooping and getting erections interspersed with long tracking shots of butts. I've never seen a movie more obsessed with human excrement, and I have seen Salo.

Here is another classic scene (NSFW):

Really? This many talented people got together in the same room and agreed that this was something they thought should exist? And someone in Hollywood was like "here are the millions of dollars to make sure that happens"? Perhaps John Harvey Kellogg was not the only one with an insane philosophy of how to do things.

This movie did have the kid from Gummo in it. He even had the trademark Gummo cowlick:

But even the Gummo kid could not save this movie (the way that he is usually capable of saving movies? In Hollywood they call him "The Cleaner").

Lots of beliefs from the past are funny. The Earth is flat? Lots Of Love! No it isn't! Haha, stupid people from the past. Go to school! But this movie isn't a documentary. It's a fictionalized account. And in either case, it is selective in what it chooses to focus on (poop) and what it thinks is funny (poop, also fisting). To make matters worse, it's clearly targeted at an "educated" audience who will cover their mouths with their tophats because laughing is for peasants. (Just kidding, there is no laughing at this movie.) And what's even stranger is that ultimately, in the end, Dr. Kellogg's ridiculous methods work. Sort of. Matthew Broderick stops having constipation (yay!) and Bridget Fonda stops not wanting to fuck him (awesome!). Whatever.

The best part of the movie is the post-script follow up with the characters after the Sanitarium burns down. Because we wouldn't want to leave this delightful, shit-covered world without knowing what happens to all these hilarious and fascinating characters that means it's about to be over.

Congratulations, The Road To Wellville. Top (Bottom?) 5 Worst Movies.\

Next week: Le Divorce. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven't done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Posted by Gabe at 5:55 PM in
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104 Comments

When are you and Gwyneth getting married?

Posted by: ben at 07/27/09 6:00 PM  | Reply
Score = -8 Vote up Vote down

Ok, the Gwyneth trolls (that's your name, guys) need to relax now.

Posted by: Friendly Giant profile link  in reply to  ben's comment at 07/27/09 6:21 PM  | Reply
Score = 19 Vote up Vote down

Why are the internets so fickle? I can't keep up!

Posted by: ben  in reply to  Friendly Giant's comment at 07/27/09 6:52 PM  | Reply
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I'm sure the joke will be funny again in two weeks (i.e,, seven thousand years of Internet time).

Posted by: Friendly Giant profile link  in reply to  ben's comment at 07/27/09 7:16 PM  | Reply
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It's important to make sure the comment is germane to the situation. I still appreciate your support.

Posted by: Godsauce profile link  in reply to  ben's comment at 07/27/09 8:04 PM  | Reply
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Kudos for the only time in history Event Horizon and The Road to Wellville will be mentioned in the same article.

Posted by: Chadsky at 07/27/09 6:04 PM  | Reply
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Finally, "Le Divorce." Can't wait. Weirdly, I just gave my copy of "Le Divorce" away yesterday (it's not weird that I gave it away, it's weird that I gave it away the week before Gabe reviews it). Friends from out of town were visiting and the conversation turned to terrible movies. I was all "Le Divorce" and they were all "Haven't seen it" and I was all "Here take my copy you won't believe how awful it is." It was a sort of "Wow this stinks, here smell it" moment, except with cinema.

Posted by: MarkyBob profile link at 07/27/09 6:09 PM  | Reply
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Kadooz to your friends; so many people leave me hangin' in those "you've got to smell this" moments.

Posted by: K profile link  in reply to  MarkyBob's comment at 07/28/09 8:40 AM  | Reply
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From now on when I want to describe how something sucks, I'll promptly refer to the apt metaphor "how hell probably sucks"; well done.

Posted by: Tom Foolery profile link at 07/27/09 6:10 PM  | Reply
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This post is certainly SEO optimized for "Bridget Fonda fisting."

Posted by: BradyShow profile link at 07/27/09 6:10 PM  | Reply
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This film is totally shitty. Or not shitty, if you are Matthew Broderick for most of the movie.

Posted by: MsQuinn profile link at 07/27/09 6:12 PM  | Reply
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Gabe,
Another great article--I don't know how you made it through this one. I think I lasted about a half of an hour and I thought I was brave!

Posted by: donna at 07/27/09 6:13 PM  | Reply
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You should consider reviewing "The Core" for WMOAT.

Posted by: Sara at 07/27/09 6:15 PM  | Reply
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This makes me want to watch Salo

Posted by: sarcasticmeow profile link at 07/27/09 6:17 PM  | Reply
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Poor Ferris had such a happy young adulthood. Who knew maturation would bring about awkward beards and anal repositories.

Posted by: thereisnogreen profile link at 07/27/09 6:17 PM  | Reply
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Ah the good ol' Masticate/masturbate joke! I'm glad that jokes from 7th grade biology can still make it into feature films. Did the classic gem "So are you a master debater?" also make an appearance?

Posted by: Girl Friday profile link at 07/27/09 6:17 PM  | Reply
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Being a member of the debate team sure was a hassle thanks to that little number.

Posted by: Duncan  in reply to  Girl Friday's comment at 07/27/09 10:17 PM  | Reply
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or an american apparel store.

Posted by: kathleen11 profile link at 07/27/09 6:18 PM  | Reply
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DO CITIZEN KANE!!!

Posted by: eric at 07/27/09 6:27 PM  | Reply
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Yeah, this sucked, but I'm really pumped for the remake:
Photobucket

Posted by: Max the King of All Wild Things profile link at 07/27/09 6:31 PM  | Reply
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Don't worry. Having read only one or two T.C. Boyle stories, you've pretty much read everything he's ever written ever. You could read the rest of his stuff, or you can pick one of the stories and re-read it ten thousand times. Same effect.

Posted by: Lord Growing profile link at 07/27/09 6:34 PM  | Reply
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I've read a bunch of them and yeah, you're right. Every one, the same smirking tone of "isn't this the most CLEVER premise for a short story you ever done come across?" He's obviously a very smart guy, and his stories are a way of helping us understand that.

Posted by: trevormail profile link  in reply to  Lord Growing's comment at 07/27/09 6:42 PM  | Reply
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Disagree. Granted, his themes have been pretty consistent throughout his career, but that's true of a lot of writers. Still, having read 'Greasy Lake' doesn't mean you won't enjoy 'Tooth and Claw' or 'Rara Avis' or some of his other more recent stuff.

Admittedly, though, the NYorker does always tend to pick the exact same type of Boyle story. But they're not exactly known for being experimental anymore... aside from 'The Minotaur' the other week. That was awesome.

Posted by: heywoodjewbrome profile link  in reply to  trevormail's comment at 07/27/09 7:10 PM  | Reply
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Thank you! TC Boyle is a great writer; I too thoroughly enjoyed 'Tooth and Claw', especially the short story where a woman chooses to live with and act like the stray dogs in the suburbs of L.A. Now, that would make a great movie, starring Katherine Heigl!

Posted by: Mr. Tribbles profile link  in reply to  heywoodjewbrome's comment at 07/28/09 6:15 AM  | Reply
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A great post, but this one didn't bother nearly as much as it seems to have scarred everyone else (Gabe included). And the book was awesome. The funny part (lame/sophomoric jokes aside) was the fact that this shit actually went on at Kellogg's sanitorium.

Oh look! A terrible pun. Downvotes away!

Posted by: RunBMC profile link at 07/27/09 6:40 PM  | Reply
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I believe (and someone will have to confirm this for me) that there is a line in the movie spoken by Matthew Broderick about finding Anthony Hopkins "up to his elbows in my wife."

Posted by: staveitoff profile link at 07/27/09 6:43 PM  | Reply
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You are right about that, and I specifically remember that line to this day because it's so gross. Also, your avatar FTW, seriously.

Posted by: K profile link  in reply to  staveitoff's comment at 07/28/09 8:43 AM  | Reply
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Anthony Hopkins is like a demon spawn of Colonel Sanders and Fire Marshall Bill in this movie.

Posted by: thenaritaline profile link at 07/27/09 6:47 PM  | Reply
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With just a soupçon of Danny Huston.

Posted by: Ashley profile link  in reply to  thenaritaline's comment at 07/28/09 10:12 AM  | Reply
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LotsOfLove as usual, but the Hunt is kind of starting to bum me out. (Too many shit movies!!!) What about a new hunt, for maybe the Funnest Amusement Park Ride of All Time? Or like a Hunt to Verify if the Beloved Movie of Your Youth Still Holds Up? Something like that, I don't know! Gabe should do some Love-Watching while Lost/FNL are not on the air.

Posted by: alexandrararara profile link at 07/27/09 6:52 PM  | Reply
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I agree, The Hunt should switch formats after this round, if only because I know IN THE LAND OF WOMEN would break even a blogger with such a stout constitution as Gabe.

Posted by: Becca profile link  in reply to  alexandrararara's comment at 07/27/09 7:15 PM  | Reply
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I really like the Hunt to Verify if the Beloved Movie of Your Youth Still Holds Up idea. Gabe, make this happen.

Posted by: hlebtastic profile link  in reply to  alexandrararara's comment at 07/27/09 8:42 PM  | Reply
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Agreed.

Posted by: Mr. Tribbles profile link  in reply to  hlebtastic's comment at 07/28/09 6:20 AM  | Reply
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Consider this fourthed.

Posted by: neptuneflame profile link  in reply to  alexandrararara's comment at 07/27/09 9:53 PM  | Reply
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You were actually the thirdeder but i will be the forthededer!

Posted by: Fourth  in reply to  neptuneflame's comment at 07/27/09 10:21 PM  | Reply
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My idea's gaining legs! Just THINK ABOUT IT, Gabe.

Posted by: alexandrararara profile link  in reply to  alexandrararara's comment at 07/28/09 6:11 AM  | Reply
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Really awesome idea. BUT, I feel like I should warn you - as someone who recently tried this experiment on her own - it's not going to be much less of a bummer than WMOAT.

PEOPLE: If you loved Flight of the Navigator as a child and you're still nostalgically holding on to the sense of wonder it inspired in you - please take my advice and LET IT BE.

Posted by: staveitoff profile link  in reply to  alexandrararara's comment at 07/28/09 11:55 AM  | Reply
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Fifthed, if that's even a word.

I lurved the Neverending Story when I was a kid. I watched it everyday, and knew it by heart.

Fast-forward 20 years, and I convince my kids to watch it with me, since it brought me so much joy. We were all sooo disappointed. Poorly-built puppets just can't compete with CGI for a child's wonder.

Posted by: plysak profile link  in reply to  alexandrararara's comment at 08/01/09 11:24 PM  | Reply
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Nice to know I'm not alone in thinking this was a terrible, terrible excuse for a movie.
Can not wait for Funny Games!!
Although, I'm already feeling very sorry for Gabe on that one. A truly horrendous film.

Posted by: j.bellew at 07/27/09 7:08 PM  | Reply
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Care to elaborate w/r/t Funny Games? I really think it's one of the most misunderstood films of all time. I'd really hope that entry would lead to some fun discussions, but I anticipate nothing more than six different gifs of the remote control moment, 122 posts to the effect of "Lots of Love! That movie was awful." and "Is that actually in the movie? Wow.", and at least two references to using a remote to go back in time and kill Hitler.

Sorry for the crabbies, guys. It's 4:30 on a Monday, and I need my Jesus Juice.

Posted by: That One profile link  in reply to  j.bellew's comment at 07/27/09 7:33 PM  | Reply
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Also, I don't think it even qualifies. Everything people hate about it is absolutely 100 percent intentional.

Posted by: That One profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/27/09 7:56 PM  | Reply
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I think people hate the pretentiousness not just the unwatchabiltiy. While I have never nor will ever meet Michael Haneke I don't think he was intentionally trying to be pretentious.

Posted by: hlebtastic profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/27/09 8:46 PM  | Reply
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I see what you mean, and I agree in one respect. But I don't think pretentious is the right word. Haneke implicates the viewer in what's happening on the screen and a lot of people take offense to that, feeling that he's somehow acting superior to them. The first time I saw it, that was my exact reaction. How could he be calling me out when he's the one who wrote and shot the fucking thing? I felt dirty, tricked. The idea at its simplest is "If you don't like this, why are you watching it?"
Then I decided to watch it again for whatever reason, and I found much more going on there that I didn't bother to see the first time. Now, I don't read the film as a comment on our thirst for violence as much as an acknowledgment of the naturally occurring dialogue between storyteller and listener. If there is no audience, then there is no story. If there is no story, there is no audience. Haneke knows this, and manipulates it to devastating effect, and while the films not perfect, I applaud the effort.
I'm trying to keep this brief, but I don't think Haneke's indicting his audience so much as asking some fundamental questions about the nature of story, and furthermore, its reliance on an audience in order to exist.

Posted by: That One profile link  in reply to  hlebtastic's comment at 07/27/09 9:11 PM  | Reply
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Fair enough. I've only seen the film one time, and I will admit that the commentary on the nature of the story went over my head. I also want to say that I didn't really dislike it. It just seemed a little preachy. But it sounds like I missed the point. Touche. Plus there will be plenty of time for this conversation later. Expect there to be 30 other people to be saying the same thing as me. You'll just have to shut them all down.

Posted by: hlebtastic profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/27/09 9:30 PM  | Reply
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While I agree with you, what I don't think Haneke does is implicate himself. In Funny Games as well as some of his earlier works, he seems to think that if he keeps the most horrific violence off screen that somehow he's insulating himself from it, as if to say, I'll show you the terrible emotional ramifications but not the violence, therefore, I can atone for the sins of what I've done to my characters because it's in service of a larger message." BUT, he has done what he's done to his characters. HE'S the one in control, whether the audience is implicit in what happens or not simply by the act of submission to viewership. I get his point but not his method. And he's profiting from it none-the-less, which dampens his moral superiority.

Posted by: neptuneflame profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/27/09 10:00 PM  | Reply
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The irony of this thread being about pretentiousness is almost making this mini-conversation tolerable.

Posted by: whoa! profile link  in reply to  neptuneflame's comment at 07/27/09 10:48 PM  | Reply
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OMG, I know! what a bunch a fags lol. did you guyz see entourag this week? HOLY SHIT, Turtle is gonna be goin back 2 school!!! Ha ha I bet he quits lol that show is the shit

Posted by: That One profile link  in reply to  whoa!'s comment at 07/27/09 11:38 PM  | Reply
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Really good point. He does use the implication of the violence as a sort of crutch, and that's one of his big weaknesses. A lot of his work is extremely violent in tone but pretty light when it comes to what we actually see. A major exception though, is the suicide of the stalker in Cache - that image fucks with me to this day. So he knows how to shoot violence, a lot of his ideas are about the threat of violence, but he kinda shies away from it when push comes to shove. I don't know if it's inconsistency or some pretense of denying us commoners our precious gore, but it's always been an issue I've had, and I think it holds him back.

But still, compare that to something like Saw in which there's zero subtext and nothing but gore on the surface. I'd take Funny Games over that bullshit any day.

Posted by: That One profile link  in reply to  neptuneflame's comment at 07/27/09 11:29 PM  | Reply
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Totally. I think we're on the same page here, and I hate to say it, but sometimes I really feel alone in that. (not on videogum, though. i think most of the commenters here get it). I mean, just look at the past eight years of foreign policy, where war is the ultimate spectator sport, and we can extrapolate how violence can be twisted. I definitely agree with your point about the Saw movies, and I do believe that audiences do bear some culpability for "voting with their dollars", so to speak, but the creator/audience relationship is far from the "partnership" that Haneke implies.

Posted by: neptuneflame profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/27/09 11:57 PM  | Reply
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That was the most coherent, intelligent (and NON-pretentious) discussion I've ever seen on Videogum. Well played.

Posted by: brendan profile link  in reply to  neptuneflame's comment at 07/28/09 9:25 AM  | Reply
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Thank you for reminding me of that suicide scene. Now I have to go wash my brain.

Posted by: moonmaster profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/28/09 1:46 AM  | Reply
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Yeah, you're maybe right. I believe I was the first one to suggest it, mostly because I'm interested to know what Gabe has to say about it. He's often made the argument that no one INTENDS to make a horrible film, and that was my counter. We'll see how those two points of view reconcile.

Posted by: Funtastik profile link  in reply to  That One's comment at 07/28/09 12:02 AM  | Reply
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bicycle smile is my safety word

Posted by: paperstreetsoapcompany at 07/27/09 7:33 PM  | Reply
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I remember being forced to watch this in my Food Science class. Not fun.

Posted by: ber profile link at 07/27/09 7:33 PM  | Reply
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Oh, misguided teachers and their movie picks. I had a biology teacher who showed us "The Lorax" during a unit on environmental science. In fact, I think that movie alone might have been the unit. Plus maybe some diagrams of pinecones.
(I know "The Lorax" isn't a terrible movie, but the students ranged between 15-18 years old, and that is an animated children's musical based on a Dr. Seuss book. For the kid in us...?)

Posted by: kiss the pan profile link  in reply to  ber's comment at 07/27/09 8:06 PM  | Reply
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I don't know where you grew up, but in my student days, there was no such thing as bad movies in class. Does no one else remember the sheer joy or walking into a Spanish class to find that this is the week you're watching "El Norte?" Sure you didn't like it much to begin with, saw it annually in that same class and now blame it for your irrational fear of tunnel-rats, but still: MOVIE IN CLASS. Best thing ever.

Posted by: whoa! profile link  in reply to  ber's comment at 07/27/09 8:58 PM  | Reply
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In my Spanish 3 class we watched the end of Evita three separate times -- once with the substitute, once when the teacher got back and we lied and said we hadn't finished the movie, and once a week later when someone jokingly said "Senora, we didn't finish watching Evita!" and she was old and kind of out of it and believed him, so we all looked at each other with suppressed glee as she went to put the tape in again.

Posted by: sophia profile link  in reply to  whoa!'s comment at 07/27/09 9:19 PM  | Reply
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We usually watched episodes of Alton Brown's Good Eats. So, The Road to Wellville was a huge downgrade.

Posted by: ber profile link  in reply to  whoa!'s comment at 07/28/09 12:08 PM  | Reply
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Has Chocolat been nominated?

'Cause, really, Chocolat should be nominated.

Posted by: dwayneshintzy profile link at 07/27/09 7:46 PM  | Reply
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Blasphemy!

Posted by: ber profile link  in reply to  dwayneshintzy's comment at 07/27/09 8:31 PM  | Reply
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have you ever walked into, say, a clothing store, and everything in the clothing store is so hideous and awful to you that it almost feels like it must be some kind of a joke? Like obviously people would not actually wear these clothes?


Why yes, I wandered into Hot Topic once.

Posted by: booferama profile link at 07/27/09 8:03 PM  | Reply
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(cough) H&M (cough) (Yes, I am as old as Gabe.)

Posted by: sen_tankerbell profile link  in reply to  booferama's comment at 07/28/09 9:56 AM  | Reply
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Gabe - Thanks for reviewing this one. It used to be on comedy central a lot when I was a kid. If only your review was out at the time it used to play on tv - I wouldn't have thought I was insane for thinking, not only was it not a comedy, but the strangest movie ever made!

Posted by: Nicole at 07/27/09 8:30 PM  | Reply
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Hello. My name is Nick. Nick of Time. And I am the most hilariously bad movie EVER and did I mention that in me Roc hits Christopher Walken with a wooden leg? I should have mentioned that sooner. Roc hits Christopher Walken with a wooden leg. In me. Nick of Time. The Movie.

Love, Nick of Time.

Posted by: eric. at 07/27/09 8:31 PM  | Reply
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Nick of Time is the movie that made my then child self get a boner for Chris Walken. Best movie ever.

I nom S. Darko. There is no way that movie isn't the worst, but I need to know if it's good bad or bad bad.

Posted by: HN1  in reply to  eric.'s comment at 07/28/09 7:18 PM  | Reply
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Ugh, just watched Gummo today, Harmony Korine is fucked up. I do not enjoy his movies.

Posted by: simonsays profile link at 07/27/09 8:44 PM  | Reply
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I don't...get...any of this.

Posted by: Calliwell profile link at 07/27/09 8:45 PM  | Reply
Score = 2 Vote up Vote down

I nominate The Hottie and The Nottie. I think this movie falls under the Glitter/Crossroads school of movies, but it completely deserves it's place here. Paris Hilton plays the main character (Christabelle!). If you did this movie it would be my birthday AND christmas present this year.

Posted by: Elizabeth profile link at 07/27/09 8:59 PM  | Reply
Score = -3 Vote up Vote down

I nominate A Walk to Remember. Soooo terrible.

Posted by: Sarah J at 07/27/09 9:55 PM  | Reply
Score = 3 Vote up Vote down

I nominate A Walk to Remember. Soooo terrible.

Posted by: Sarah J at 07/27/09 9:56 PM  | Reply
Score = -1 Vote up Vote down

Ah, Gummo. Harmony Korine. Kids. I liked the movie Kids. A lot of people didn't seem to like it. I nominate Kids even though I don't think it's the worst movie of all time. I'll downvote myself for writing this.

Posted by: Bobby Seger profile link at 07/27/09 10:13 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

I would like to nominate Hitman, although it was based on a videogame, and I'm sure that is part of what contributed to its general awfulness. Although Timothy "I-Chris-Browned-Britney-Spears-in-that-video-where-she-dies-and-is-reborn-in-a-bathtub" Olyphant looks absolutely delightful bald.

Posted by: Lids profile link at 07/27/09 10:18 PM  | Reply
Score = -1 Vote up Vote down

I thought that was Stephen Dorf?

Posted by: Calliwell profile link  in reply to  Lids's comment at 07/27/09 10:25 PM  | Reply
Score = 4 Vote up Vote down

This was filmed at the Mohonk Mountain House, a hotel in New Paltz, New York, where I work. I've heard of this movie before, but I've never seen any of it until these clips, and I kind of wish I hadn't even watched those. Now every time I go to work I'm going to think of Matthew Broderick's dick. Fantastic.

Posted by: Breathing Shark at 07/27/09 10:35 PM  | Reply
Score = 2 Vote up Vote down

1. Duh, it's social commentary! Maybe you just didn't get it. Watch it again!

2. Is that Lara Flynn Boyle? If so, that's actually the least like a corpse I've ever seen her.

3. Have you done Birth? If not, please do Birth.

Posted by: Lulubelle profile link at 07/27/09 11:20 PM  | Reply
Score = 3 Vote up Vote down

Wait, really? I liked Birth. It's totally flawed, but I still bought it (literally; it was in the $3 bin).

Posted by: K profile link  in reply to  Lulubelle's comment at 07/28/09 8:51 AM  | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

Is it me or does Matthew Broderik's butt look too young to be his?

Posted by: PJ1978 profile link at 07/28/09 1:23 AM  | Reply
Score = 4 Vote up Vote down

Oh, Salo! There should be another Gabe and Rich Watch A Movie installment sometime. I liked those.

Posted by: Violet A. profile link at 07/28/09 1:42 AM  | Reply
Score = 5 Vote up Vote down

Gabe's plot descriptions are usually really funny but not even he could make a plot like that not the most boring, pointless sounding thing ever. I fell asleep twice before I finished the paragraph.


I would honestly love to meet whoever gladly sat through this movie and enjoyed it. I want to know what these people are like.

Posted by: moonmaster profile link at 07/28/09 1:52 AM  | Reply
Score = 2 Vote up Vote down

1. John Cusack invents PEPSI in this film, not Coke.
2. Fonda and LF Boyle are naked in this film. Before I watched it, I thought that was a selling point, now I realize it was a warning.
3. Perpetually Constipated Matthew Broderick is Matthew Broderick's default setting in every film.

Posted by: Garmanbozia profile link at 07/28/09 1:55 AM  | Reply
Score = 8 Vote up Vote down

I, as one of the very few I guess, really did enjoy 'Gummo' - even to the point of watching it several times - and Korine's book 'A Crack Up at the Race Riots' is a delightful, though thoroughy alienating read. You can check out some excerpts here.

And he's a great talk show guest!

Posted by: Mr. Tribbles profile link at 07/28/09 6:06 AM  | Reply
Score = 6 Vote up Vote down

The other day I came home, glanced at the cable guide, and immediately began a text argument with some friends of mine about whether Cop and a Half of Junior was more conceptually flawed. The matter is still not settled, so I nominate both of them for consideration.

Oh, and Roger Ebert, you guys: "There can be found in the back pages of various health magazines a small advertisement for colonic irrigation. It is illustrated with a drawing of what looks like several tons of lava bursting forth from the earth's core. I have never mailed away for the booklet offered, and now that I've seen "The Road to Wellville," I don't think I need to. The movie is like an expedition through the digestive tract with gun and camera."

Posted by: Kiril at 07/28/09 8:07 AM  | Reply
Score = 6 Vote up Vote down

The campaign for Bounce and Frailty continues!

Posted by: brendan profile link at 07/28/09 9:12 AM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Why aren't more people shouting "View from the Top"? Since everyone apparently is obsessed by Gwyneth Paltrow?

Posted by: Guy Peers at 07/28/09 9:23 AM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

This weekend, I had the unfortunate experience of watching "The Women"- has this been nominated? I don't know why I watched the whole movie, but it's the car wreck thing, not being able to look away, etc. Meg Ryan's face is a horror show, but that should be covered in next week's installment. And the fact that it's a remake yet they clearly struck a deal with Dove, Lexus and Sacks for product placement... just like the 1930s!

Posted by: elaine benes profile link at 07/28/09 10:24 AM  | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

It's been done...

Posted by: Noah  in reply to  elaine benes's comment at 07/28/09 12:08 PM  | Reply
Score = -1 Vote up Vote down

i AM going to sound like i dick if i ask if you meant 'holy mountain' instead of 'the magic mountain,' right?
you DO mean the movie where they turn BM into gold, right?
is anyone else BM'ing like a rockstar?

Posted by: eLtonSUNday profile link at 07/28/09 10:39 AM  | Reply
Score = -1 Vote up Vote down

Harvard Man. Try it. 100% guarantee you'll regret it.

Posted by: Julie at 07/28/09 12:01 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Great post! This movie does sound like it just may be one of the unintentionally worst films imaginable. Oddly, I have a respected friend who LOVED it.

Posted by: Rezpect profile link at 07/28/09 12:30 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

I have the luck to watch this movie.... in a theatre!.... and it was, mmmhhhh frightful? I think I was in another bad dream. And the conclusion! You feel that The Road To Wellville is giving you a lot of the most stupid information and you don't give a damn.

Totally one of my favorites on The Hunt!

Posted by: JBizarre at 07/28/09 4:29 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

I nominate Factory Girl as a WMoAT candidate. The first time I tried watching it, I couldn't even make it past the 15 minute mark.

Posted by: blueeyeddevil at 07/28/09 9:38 PM  | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

videogum the worst site ever. only for idiots. road to wellville is a good movie.

Posted by: eggman at 07/29/09 12:20 AM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Wait, WUUUUUUUUUT? The movie is about BMs and fisting? ENH? Dodged a bullet with this one. Good lord what a waste.

Posted by: Blondie at 07/29/09 1:32 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

I think you should do "12 Monkeys"- I watched it ten years ago, loved it. Saw it yesterday: crap. Monkey crap. Time-travelers crap. Brad Pitt crapping all over it. Slow motion crap.
Porfa, Gabriel, hágala pico.

Posted by: moraga at 07/30/09 5:26 PM  | Reply
Score = 1 Vote up Vote down

This isn't even the worst movie of 1994. Color of Night came out the same year.
You should review Color of Night, it tries to be serious and edgy everywhere that Wellville tries to be over-the-top and pokes fun at the characters.

Posted by: Color of Night at 07/30/09 11:13 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Disclosure came out in 1994. Disclosure is very bad. Michael Douglas and Demi Moore saying Michael Crichton's words.

Posted by: Kiril  in reply to  Color of Night's comment at 07/31/09 10:26 AM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Am I the only one that would have preferred a clip of Bridget Fonda getting fisted to the clip of Mathew Broderick having his butt vibrated?

It is true, Matthew Broderick is constipated in every movie. See Election, Addicted to Love, and The Cable Guy.

Funny James Lipton did not broach the topic of this film during Anthony Hopkin's interview....

PS Disclosure is an awesome movie in which Demi Moore RAPES Michael Douglas. Classic.

Posted by: scap at 07/31/09 5:31 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Man, and to think I had at least some respect for Matthew Broderick after watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Sorry I made THAT mistake.

Ha, who am I kidding? Matthew Broderick? I love that guy!

I also nominate Titanic. I'm pretty sure you know what it's about. Like, the sinking boat, and then people love each other.

Posted by: frankenscheimer profile link at 07/31/09 10:34 PM  | Reply
Score = -2 Vote up Vote down

Perhaps worse than this movie was watching it with my family in a crappy inner city motel at 9am. When I was 13. I have very vivid images of this movie, as I do of my family sitting around very quietly. I think I was so in love with Ferris Bueller back then I would happily watch anything with Matthew Broderick in it. My, how things have changed....

Posted by: amalthea profile link at 08/01/09 5:45 AM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

Some nominees: Rent, Running With Scissors.

Posted by: hass profile link at 08/03/09 4:01 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

J/K on the Rent. Just read the rules again. But Running With Scissors still works.

Posted by: hass profile link  in reply to  hass's comment at 08/03/09 4:03 PM  | Reply
Score = 0 Vote up Vote down

WTF? Worst movie? The Road to Wellville is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen, it's dirty and witty, the best combination there is. This is right up there with The Big Lebowski and Blazing Saddles on my list. Are you a critic or a retard? Just because you apparently can't understand a movie doesn't make it bad.

Posted by: G to the O. D. at 08/14/09 10:15 AM  | Reply
Score = -2 Vote up Vote down

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