The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Closer
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
Theater is dead, or whatever. I mean, it still exists in community productions of Our Town, and it pretends to have cultural relevance in New York and Chicago, but for the most part it is very, very dead. And not without some understandable reasons! For one, it can't really entertain us the way that movies and television and XBOX 360s and IMAX can, in terms of sheer spectacle. Moreover, in terms of the communication of art, its attempt to reach out and create connections between fellow human beings: a) no one really wants that anymore for the most part (see: Paul Blart Mall Cop), and b) theater is often too stilted, too elitist (perceived or real), and too contrived. There is a distance between the stage and the audience, both literally and figuratively, that simply makes it a poor tool in the era of instantaneous communication and "reality" to get much work done.
But for all of theater's obstacles and flaws, it is still way more vibrant and relevant than plays adapted into movies. Yiiiiiiiikes. "They look like normal people, but they talk like over-educated automatons!" No thanks!
Closer is based on a play by the same name, written by Patrick Marber. In the movie version, we open on Natalie Portman walking towards Jude Law on a crowded street. Jude Law is staring at her because LOVE CONNECTION. Then Natalie Portman walks into the street and gets hit by a car. Whoopsies! I think that any movie in which one of your main characters reveals themselves to be too stupid to not just get hit by a car (even if the car is a cheap plot contrivance) is going to be a stupid movie. This is categorically true. Probably.
So, Jude Law takes Natalie Portman to the hospital, but she's basically fine. I guess she just needed to get hit by that car so that Jude Law would talk to her. This movie should have just been called Life! They walk around London for awhile, and now they are in love because CUT TO a few years later, and Jude Law has written a book about their relationship and is getting his photograph taken by Julia Roberts. NOTE: this movie jumps through time without warning. Anyway, Jude Law flirts with Julia Roberts, so now he is in love with Julia Roberts.
Natalie Portman finds out (this is all within the same 10 minutes, btw), and she's kind of bummed so Julia Roberts takes a picture of her crying. Art! Later, Jude Law goes into a hilarious sex chat room called, like, London Super Sex Chat Internet, and pretends to be a woman (why? I guess because he is a writer? You know how writers are! Always on-line sex chatting as women! Don't worry about it!) and sex chats Clive Owen, who is a doctor sex chatting in a hospital. Yuck.
"Paging Doctor Clive Owen to the Emergency Room, a man is drowning in barf!"
Anyway, Jude Law pretending to be a woman tells Clive Owen to meet him the next day at the aquarium (which is also the name of Jude Law's book, because symbolism is precious, and God, and the bible) but when Clive Owen goes to the aquarium he meets Julia Roberts instead. RIGHT. Is this movie a documentary about normal things that happen? CUT TO A BUNCH OF MONTHS LATER. Now Clive Owen and Julia Roberts are dating. Everyone goes to Julia Roberts's photo gallery opening. CUT TO A YEAR LATER (WHOA, SLOW DOWN!). Jude Law has been cheating on Natalie Portman with Julia Roberts, who now is married to Clive Owen. Classic love rectangle. So, Natalie Portman leaves. And Clive Owen leaves. Then Clive Owen sees Natalie Portman in a strip club. She is a stripper now. She looks great!
Cut to: uhh....I don't know. Basically, Clive Owen makes Julia Roberts fuck him in exchange for signing the divorce papers, and that somehow makes Julia Roberts leave Jude Law to go back to Clive Owen, and in the meantime Clive Owen also fucked Natalie Portman, I guess, but now Jude Law is back with Natlie Portman, and they are going to go on vacation, but he's like "did you fuck Clive Owen?" and basically not only are they not going on vacation anymore, but Natalie Portman stops loving him immediately, and she leaves London but her name was never Alice anyway, it was secretly Jane, and Clive Owen and Julia Roberts read at night before they go to sleep, and Jude Law is a lonely dumb-dumb. And all the guys in New York are like HELLOOO NATALIE PORTMAN, OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!
Fun Fact: when this thing was a play, it won an award for Best Comedy. LOL?
I suppose it should be said that for as bad as this movie is, and for as much as I did not enjoy it at all, it was directed by Mike Nichols, and Mike Nichols earned a lifetime pass back in 1967 when he directed The Graduate. Lucky for him, because he has needed to use that pass! But he has it. So congratulations, Mike Nichols, as far as you are concerned, we're all done here.
Now, I don't know why they turned a comedic play into an intensely serious movie. Interesting choice! Luckily (luckily?), they didn't get rid of any of that classic insufferable theatrical dialogue. At one point, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts are verbally sparring, and he says "you forget that you're dealing with a clinical observer of the human carnivore," and she responds, "you seem more like the cat who got the cream, you can stop licking yourself," and he says, "that is the cruelest thing you've ever said to me." BURN? I bet that is a killer burn. I'm going to go back to college and figure out what the fuck the two of them are even talking about, and then I am going to laugh and laugh, I'm sure.
But the thing that bothered me the most about this movie was actually the thing that bothers me about almost all movies about love triangles and infidelities, and that is the obnoxious self-absorption and the narcissistic pride in people who have cheated on others or been cheated on by others. There is something about these types of stories that is so satisfied with really getting into what "life" is all "about." Except that that's not what life is all about. I mean, it happens, a lot even, but life is about a lot of other things too. It is a justification to the people who cheat, as in "we are all human and therefore your miserable and disrespectful behavior can be chalked up to the silly quirks of our natures," and it is also a justification to the people who want to wallow in the personal misery of what was done to them. Love triangle dramas are basically stoner comedies. There is something in your life that you think gives you a better understanding of the world, and that grants you access to an exciting club. Except that you don't know anything more about life, you're just as hurt and confused as everyone else, and your club is self-destructive, solipsistic, and stupid. You should get a better club!
Whatever. It's another case of miserable people being miserable in your face for two hours. Which I guess reflects something about the human condition or whatever. It's just a really boring and annoying reflection. "Well, sometimes life is boring and annoying." True enough! But it is also short. Enough of this thing.
Next Week: an announcement of the next round of nominees! Get them in while you can!
Posted by Gabe at 5:40 PM in The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Tags: Clive Owen | Closer | Jude Law | Julia Roberts | Mike Nichols | Natalie Portman
Dearest Gabe,
HOPE FLOATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
KTP
Score = 9
Yes, please, Hope Floats is the most painful movie I have ever sat through. No joke.
Score = 2
I thought we were asking for Adventureland! Gabe please do Hope Floats aaaand Adventureland.
Score = -5
I third Poop Floats
Score = 1
I love this movie! I think there is lots of good acting in it.
Oh man I am starting quite the debate here! honk snore fart zzz
The next round of TWMOAT should include Swingers.
Score = 13
I am so happy someone else hated this movie as much as I did. I don't know which Jude Law movie is worse though, this or Alfie. Both are the worst, ever.
Score = 5
Alfie should be on there for sure. Gabe would have a field day with that one, that movie makes no effing sense at all. Just awful.
Score = 0
My main problem with this movie is that anyone would cheat on Natalie Portman with Julia Roberts. That would be like cheating on Natalie Portman with Seabiscuit.
Score = 52
What!?! Maybe I don't get this? We go on and on about how TWILIGHT is demeaning to women, then laugh when someone compares a woman to a horse (negatively)? Perhaps this is an inside joke I don't get...?
Score = 10
I think the delivery was just too good to pass up an up-vote. Also, comparing an extremely successful and relatively gorgeous movie star to a horse is hardly crossing the line. Now if you said my 11th grade Jewish History teacher Mrs. Neirman looked like a horse (pro-hint: she does) that would be kind of despicable.
Score = 12
claiming that julia roberts looks like a horse is demeaning to women? really? james van der beek also looks like a horse. there, EQUALITY.
Score = 36
Hooray, equality
Score = 0
Equinity. Zing.
Score = 15
:) Now THAT's funny. Upvoted.
Score = -1
Please, please AMERICAN DREAMZ
Score = 3
YES!
and also Catch and Release please! :)
Score = 6
What?! American Dreamz (dreams with a Z) is awesome! You better take that back before you get Omer-ized!
Score = 8
Very Bad Things (not originally nominated by me, but as far as I can tell the worst movie I've ever sen)
Score = 2
Dangit I'm not doing good with the spelling today
Score = -1
Or the grammar, but what're you gonna do, ya know?
Score = 3
I think my favorite (least favorite?) thing about Closer is that there is only one song used throughout the entire movie. Fuckin' Damien Rice.
Score = 9
There's a pretty decent song by The Devlins in this movie, as I recall.
Score = 2
Then I amend my comment. There are two songs in Closer, but the one they play about 10 times is by Damien Rice.
Score = 10
Embarrassingconfessionsgum: I used to be really into Damien Rice's first record (I am still into Damien Rice's first record).
Score = 12
And Monkeybone (also not originally nominated by me)
Score = 0
I guess some people are really against this, but I still think eXistenZ should be a contender, if for nothing else but to just help us non-believers understand it better! Plus it'd give Gabe a chance to use that Jude Law .gif again, and who doesn't want that?
Score = 6
I could have sworn you had done Lars and the Real Girl already, but I couldn't find it when I searched the archives.
Score = -11
I saw this movie a while ago and all i remember was feeling gross when i finished it. Natalie Portman was way too young for her part, Jude Law just basically sucks, and for the life of me i couldnt figure out what in the world drew these two men to Julia Roberts.
Score = 17
My professor was telling us about the time he helped publish Gary Marshall's book and he said, "Gary Marshall directed that movie with that one actress...you know, the one who has a mouth like a mail slot." That pretty much sums up Julia Roberts.
Score = 11
They were drawn to her because she had just won the Pimlico
Score = 7
The General's Daughter. The Devil's Own. Eight Heads in a Dufflebag.
But, mostly, Jingle all the way
Score = 0
I love the stripper-Portman gif. "Oh, is this string in the way? Let me move that for you."
Score = 13
Ugh. I saw this in the theater after hearing from good friends who actually liked it. After reading this brilliantly written post, I am happy to feel vindicated. What an uncle-touch of a movie.
Score = 22
Would anyone agree with me on nominating Blindness? I think it got opening slot at Cannes, but I found it to be frustrating and kind of offensive.
Score = 6
Seconded.
Though Meirelles has a nice resume to pardon him for that mess.
Score = 2
Thirded, fourthed and millionthed.
The badness of this movie actually made me angry. I wanted to reach through the screen and SLAP Julianne Moore.
Score = 2
Julianne Moore is the most irrelevant actress in Hollywood. She was already featured in the Hunt for the atrocity that is "The Forgotten", which barely qualifies as a movie.
Score = 0
I agree. Blindness was horrible, and it made me angry as well.
Score = 2
Yes, Yes and YES. Blindness was one of THE worst I've ever seen. A group of us stayed in the theater to finish the whole movie when EVERYONE else walked out because it was so bad. At the point in which they get back to the house and all of the women are giggly and naked in the shower scene my friend supplied the best dialogue of the entire movie: "Hey guys, remember when we all got raped?" It was really THAT bad that such a joke was highly appreciated.
Score = 5
I don't want to sound all Twi-Hard here, but maybe you have to have read the book? Then again, if a movie requires you to have enjoyed the book, maybe it is not a very good movie. I loved the book, and when I heard they were making a movie, I was concerned. I remember walking out of the theater pleased that they hadn't butchered the story as much as I'd feared they would... which is kind of a tallest midget scenario... Honestly, I feel like I'm talking myself out of defending it. Nevermind. I'm done here.
Score = 0
I think maybe you watched the movie wrong? Upside down? Inside out? Backwards? Anyway, it's very funny and true and good. Lying will destroy your life, unless you are Natalie Portman and very good at lying.
Score = 3
One more movie in the hunt and Jude Law is getting a ticket to awful actor prom.
Score = 8
Jude Law can take Nic Cage to bad actor prom......makin' Jessica Biel way jealous.
Score = 3
i saw closer in a movie theater in a small southern town. everybody else in the theater was over 60 years old.
i don't remember much about the movie aside from it makes natalie portman stripping somehow boring. but what sticks with me most is that i got to hear dignified, old southern people gasp at the word "cum."
movie ticket, $6.50 (seriously, SMALL southern town).
popcorn $0, gross.
your grandma's face when clive owen is e-cumming all over jude law, priceless.
Score = 23
Calendar Girls.
Score = -3
Oh crap. I can't read this review yet! Five years ago I dated a girl who kept telling me this movie "described her former life exactly." So, at one low point, I bought the DVD (used), hoping it would help me figure her out (she was nuts). Instead, I never watched it, and we broke up. And ever since, I have wondered what mysteries this DVD contains. Did I miss out on a special woman? Did I dodge the biggest bullet EVER? What has become of me?? I will watch it this week, finally, and THEN read your review, Gabe!
Score = 34
Not having seen the movie OR met the girl I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you dodged the biggest bullet ever.
Score = 18
Yeah. Basically everyone in this movie oscillates from crybaby to sociopath and back again. You're very lucky.
Score = 7
So! Hooray! BULLET. And here's a gem: She had a habit, when she saw me thinking over a big life decision (about jobs, or money, or moving), of leaning right into my face and saying solemnly, "Jump." I always thought that was zero help, and now I know it ALSO is exactly what one of the horrible people in this movie does to convince one of the other horribles to make a big life decision (to cheat).
I guess someone felt they'd learned something valuable.
Yikes. Gabe, I continue to lobby for Nell, Nothing But Trouble, and Drop Dead Fred.
Score = 9
REGARDING HENRY please and franks!
Score = -5
Regarding Henry? Is that the one where Harrison Ford gets amnesia and likes Ritz crackers but really he likes the Ritz hotel because he used to have affairs there? I thought that was a good movie, for its time.
Score = 9
Not so much amnesia as a traumatic brain injury.
Score = 1
If by "a good movie" you mean "extremely demeaning to mentally handicapped people and minorities, not to mention emotionally manipulative and simplistic" then yes, i agree with you. additionally, i'd like to add MINUS ME YOU BASTARDS?!
Score = 2
Though I enjoyed Regarding Henry (MY FAMILY!), I upvoted you for referring to Link text">this.
Score = -1
Whoops!
http://videogum.com/archives/backlashes/richard_heene_is_tearing_us_ap_096691.html#comment-5542031
Score = -1
Yeah, thats too amazing of a meltdown NOT to quote incessantly. those best freakout brothers have nothing on whomever made that comment.
Score = 0
The 6th Day, you guys
come on, the 6th Day is the worst in such an amazing way!
Score = 4
Yes please, if for no reason other than that we might get an animated GIF of SimPal Cindy...
Score = 1
I third this, and offer six additional words: "I don't WANNA be your mommy!"
Score = 0
"perineum, etc." LOL. Just say "taint," Dr. Pervert.
Score = 46
I came here to make that exact same comment. It would be you who beat me to it, Kittenpants. (And God, and the bible.)
Score = 15
gmta!
Score = 1
2nd in his class, Anatomy 206: Anatomy of the Perv.
Score = 1
I remember being extremely disappointed by this movie halfway through watching the trailer for it the first time. I went from "this looks good" to "this looks bad" in much less than 60 seconds.
And just to remind you Gabe, Coyote Ugly is a must-review WMOAT nominee.
Score = 28
man, EVERYTIME i walk by coyote ugly's i peer inside and watch, entranced, as the incredibly sad looking girls enthusiastically dance for the at most five guys in that bar at any given time. it's a very sobering pause.
Score = 4
Why has the Coyote Ugly trailer been watched more than a million times? Seriously people, click that link, its an absolutely ridiculous insight into the mind of youtube (my conclusion being that some dudes were like "remember that movie about hot chicks runnin' a bar" "Lets youtube that trailer dawg").
Score = 6
Personally, I like this movie. Yes, the plot moves a bit too quickly and even when the dialogue gets heavy, all theatersy on you, it's got some brilliant lines in it. You must be paying attention to it.
It's been awhile since the last time I watched this so I can't fully explain or provide more grounds for its defense. By no means perfect, but certainly not the worst movie.
Score = 2
even the interweb sexxx chat is theater-talk. "perineum." ugh. thank god for nichols's directorial restraint with the "etc."
Score = 9
whereas i will continue my so far unanswered plea for city of angels, i would also like to throw in babel, due to the unwavering pretentious bullshit of it, or black snake moan, due to the sort of racist crazy wtf-y-ness of it.
Score = 3
By "racist crazy wtf-y-ness of it" I'm assuming you're referring to the casting of Justin Timberlake.
I'll defend Black Snake Moan as not being racist so much as being bluesy and full of Christina Ricci's tits.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Score = 5
by "racist" i was referring to the fucked up social tropes and stereotypes, both black and white, and by "crazy wtf-y-ness" i was referring to the whole general mess that was the movie. plenty of movies have tits. but tits chained to a radiator to keep her from her unholy sexual appetites? that is crazy wtf-y-ness.
Score = 2
Well my point was that just because a film has racist crazy wtf-y-ness as a quality doesn't necessarily make it the worst movie. Sometimes it makes it the best movie?
Score = 2
Yes yes YES City of Angels, I have nominated it before too. Nic Cage as a hairy yet invisible angel who stalks Meg Ryan until she falls in love with him - how is this obviously terrible movie not on the list yet? Angels were basically the vampires of the 90s, I think.
Score = 16
City of Angels also has the added insult of rape=raping my enjoyment of the actually quite good origianl movie by Wim Wenders. I think Nic Cage may be in that realm where he cancels a movie's elligibility for WMOAT cuz really. If he's in it, you know it's a piece of shit. But with Wicker Man (especially the director's cut) it is effin hilarious.
I have to reiterate my theory that Cage may be pulling a long con Andy Kaufman joke on the world and intentionally fucking up every movie he's in. ("may:" I doubt true but it's funnier for me to believe it's true) The commentary for Wicker Man you find out that all the truely retarded shit he does was stuff he thought up while shooting. Bike theft? his idea, unmotivated violence to ladies? yep BEEEEEESS AAAAAAAHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGH You know it.
Score = 7
Not sure why bastards be minusin' you, pcbowen, but this comment should only go up. I like your Nic Cage theory. Sadly, I think it's simpler. He's terrible with money.
Score = 3
Whereas my username refers the master thespian himself, I've referred to Nic Cage as "Kaufmanesque" with no irony since I saw the exact film you mention, the director's cut of "Wicker Man." Everyone should see the new "Bad Lieutenant" because HOLY SHIT is Cage out of his mind in the best possible way.
Score = 1
Smokin' Aces and Domino, basically same movie and there both terrible.
Score = 8
This is my first comment, and I would like to devote it to agreeing wholeheartedly with both Smokin' Aces and Domino. Smokin' Aces has some of the worst Piven ever, and Domino truly has to be seen to be be-heaved (get it? Barfs!).
Score = 5
Domino is a great selection.
Score = 1
i recommend another film for the hunt: BASIC. A 2003 thriller starring John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson. Currtently holds a 6.3 at ImdB/21% fresh at RT and the writers focused on THOUSAND PLOT-TWISTS instead of a good story. I'm really looking forward to Gabe trying to explain the story to us.
Score = 5
So, Closer. I don't get this. It makes me wonder whether all of the other nominees are actually great movies. Like, would it be that I'd find August Rush incredibly fascinating and moving?
I don't know if there's metaphorical room here for an alternate view, but I'll try to be as short as I can:
Structurally, this movie is fascinating. It's a giant mirror image of scenes, where four people all start four relationships, then halfway in the story turns, and each of those relationships breaks down. 1-2-3-4 relationships, 4-3-2-1 relationships. I hope other, even better, writers pick up this idea and make more stories with it. Next, this movie contains one of the most arresting performances I've ever seen, from Clive Owen. I found him simultaneously endlessly believable and consistently surprising. I didn't know anything about Mr. Owen before this, and haven't really cared about him in other movies, but this is a Gene-Wilder-as-Willy-Wonka-level perfect match of actor and role. Lastly, like a lot of great theater (I have no problem with watching my theater on screen since I don't live in New York), it's a heightened, abstract version of something, which in this case is how people tell the truth or lie in relationships. Here, the truths and lies and consequences are all exaggerated, but that's to focus on them. If you're willing, it'll give you a chance to think about how you treat honesty in your relationships. A heavy statement for a blog comment I know, but I'm bummed this movie's being treated like some kind of nonsensical parade of cruelty. I love Videogum, I love Gabe's writing, I love the WMOAT series (why I found and started reading Videogum), but I just don't get hating this movie like this.
Score = 30
I was going to write my personal theory of how WMOAT works... but instead I'll just refer others with the same question to the rules.
...
#10. Gabe is the boss
Score = 8
This comment reply sounded like an asshole wrote it. Not True! There are times when I disagree with Gabe's appraisal too! I was honestly trying to think of a way to help breakdown why some, otherwise decent, movies get nominated and subsequently slammed, but there isn't a real answer. Gabe's just the boss.
Score = 3
I don't think you're an asshole
Score = 6
Thanks, I just wanted to make sure I noted that your concerns are valid while asserting the "que sera, sera" nature of the Hunt.
Score = 3
I think the amazing thing about WMOAT is how it shits on a movie for things you would generally let it get away with (hyper clever dialogue, multiple chance encounters) but still makes you feel like part of the elite who coulda seen this trainwreck from a mile away. I think there should be a special WMOAT where we nominate something we all agree is good and have Gabe rip it apart.
Score = 9
This Is Spinal Tap!
Score = 0
Basically, you shouldn't rely entirely on Gabe's skewed-to-make-you-laugh comedy blog opinion, and develop your own. Life lessons.
August Rush is terrible, though.
Score = 18
the other night i was watching The Green Mile on Bravo, and i thought, "Gabe, this is the worst movie of all time!". But really, Gabe, this is the worst movie of all time. Or at least a contender.
Score = -3
The GREEN MILE? GTFO.
Score = 2
Dog Soldiers
Rent
Irreversible
And When Did You Last See Your Father?
Sex and the city
The scorpion king
Score = -6
We're gonna need a bigger WMOAT
Score = 12
I would very much like to see Gabe talk about Irreversible!
Score = -2
Irreversible? Really? Well, as long as we're nominating fantastic, ridiculously innovative movies with a unique, fully realized vision just because they make us feel icky inside:
Requiem for a Dream
There Will Be Blood
Mulholland Drive
Citizen Kane
Children of Men
Se7en
Taxi Driver
Apocalypse Now
Score = 15
Children of Men?!
Blegh.
Your treasure = my trash, I guess.
Score = -4
Seventh Seal! ... I kid, incidentally I was watching Last Action Hero the other day, postmodern masterpiece. I hadn't seen it in ages and totally forgotten about the part at the end where The Seventh Seal is playing in the cinema, except it's not the real The Seventh Seal but one with Ian McKellen in playing Death and he walks out of the movie into the 'real world'. It was a genuinely surprising wtf moment, which I had totally forgotten about. Anyway McKellen steals the show as usual, which left me racking up even more praise for this work of genius.
Score = 1
I genuinely treasure my $3 copy of Last Action Hero.
Score = 0
I would like to de-nominate Dog Soldiers. I thought it was pretty good!
Score = 4
woof.
Score = 4
Gabe, On behalf of theatre professionals and theatre-goers everywhere, I think you're going to the wrong plays. A lot of stuff is really great and culturally relevant! Sincerely, An Asshole with a Performing Arts Degree
Score = 33
Agreed and agreed, by an asshole PURSUING his performing arts degree. But I can totally understand why Gabe feels that way. So much theatre today is absolute bullshit. Its universality is often ruined in its attempts to be "daring", and "shocking", and "meaningful."
"Closer" is a perfect example of contemporary theatre that is solely written for its audience--rich, educated white people with marital problems and sexual hang-ups. But whoops!! That's your audience!!
Score = 10
I like how Dr. Clive Owen use the proper medical terminology for taint in the sex chat room. Sticking to the character, yo!
Also "The Negotiator" is big fucking piece of shit. I nominate it.
Score = 1
Broken Arrow please!! At one point, Christian Slater (!) tells John Travolta that he's crazy and John Travolta replies, "Yeah, ain't it cool!" That's gold, Jerry!
Score = 7
I humbly submit Steven Spielberg's "War of the Worlds" for consideration as The Worst Movie of All Time. It's gotta be top (bottom?) 10 at least (most? [I'm confused!])
Score = 0
I'd hate to disagree with Mr treehorn (something might get put in my white russian) but do you reckon its bad in relation to the source material, or just bad in its own right.
I thought it was a pretty decent Spielberg sci fi.
Score = 0
It felt like Spielberg really phoned it in on this one, and it resulted in a sloppy mess. He very blatantly ripped HIMSELF off in a few scenes. (aliens in basement vs. raptors in kitchen comes to mind) He tried to do the "follow one family during the invasion" thing, but he picked the one family that seems to survive EVERYTHING (i.e. Tom Cruise was the only one to think of taking a grenade up into the collector thing. And then he still GOT BACK OUT! HUH!?!) so I lost all empathy with them. Then the kid showed up in Boston when he very clearly must have died in that HUGE EXPLOSION!
I haven't seen it since it came out, so my memory is a little foggy, and maybe I need to give it another shot. But I won't. Fuck this movie.
Score = 0
I think War of the Worlds is awesome through 95% of it. I compared it to a metal coil being wound tighter and tighter… Eventually he twists it one more time and the coil just sort of explodes out of itself in a jumbled of unfocused energy.
Score = 1
Bride Wars: Poisonous, depressing, unfunny woman-hating trash.
Score = 34
if we start naming movies that are woman-hating unfunny trash, it's gonna be a long list. and the holiday should be on there. hell, practically any movie with cameron diaz should be on there. i think she has been severely underrepresented in the wmoat.
Score = 11
Oh hell yes on this one! I was really hoping the movie would end with those two killing each other.
Score = 1
nah, women be shoppin'
Score = 1
sometimes i upvote things that have been downvoted for no reason other than i don't disagree with the poster. i don't necessarily agree with them, but i decide they didn't deserve that down vote.
also: please watch Fire on the Amazon. if not for WMOAT, then for life.
Score = 6
Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, starred Kal Penn and was the worst two hours of my life, no joke. There was nothing about the movie that was not painful to see, other than a hot blonde. And she was dumb-celebrity-movie average. She just seemed like the best compared to the rest of the movie.
Score = 4
The Family Man! My roommate made me watch this last week and I was LOLing, ROFLing, LMAOing, perineum, etc. the entire way through--and I'm pretty sure it's not a comedy. It does have Nicholas Cage in it, which I guess could make it a comedy and/or intentionally bad by default. But I think it deserves the "honor" of being included in the Hunt.
Score = 9
I guess it's safe to assume "perineum, etc." will now be a new Videogum meme.
Score = 12
Oh gosh, this was on last night and I saw the end of it and it was completely preposterous (a Nic Cage movie preposterous, you say? I KNOW) But seriously....ps spoiler alert....running down your ex lover from like, 10 years ago in the airport to tell her about the fever dream you had about your life together and screaming at her not to move after all would equal restraining order in 10 out of 10 cases.
Score = 1
I'm aware of the Hunt's rules, but we really need to make a special exception: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (2000). I was 9 when I saw it in theaters, and even then I knew that De Nero really liked getting big paychecks for terrible, terrible things.
Score = 1
Running With Scissors.
Score = 12
YES. Just yes.
Score = 1
I'll say it again: Original Sin! It's terrible, and so many people I know loved it for some incomprehensible reason. Dramatic Peacock Stepping?! I do not know!
Score = 5
That's that Kevin Costner piece of shit isn't it? Totally worthy of WMOAT. My buddy was all like, "It's about revenge, it'll be cool." I was like, "Nope, this looks like a dumb movie for dumb-dumbs."
Score = -1
Woops!! I guess it's not. I don't know what movie I'm thinking of. Oh it was Revenge. I can't believe how stupid my friend was now. Actually it's worth being nominated as well. Man, that movie sucked.
Score = 0
YES! This came out when I was about 18 and all these people were fawning about it and how much it perfectly described relationships. I kept thinking, "No assholes, getting cheated on by your 17 year old girlfriend who works at Hollywood video does not make you understand this film better than me. It sucks."
Also, I nominate "Someone like you" with Ashley Judd. I've seen a lot of bad movies, but remember this being the first that made me visibly angry with it's badness.
Score = 6
GOTHIKA
Score = 10
I like how your avatar seems to be screaming the name of the movie :)
Score = 14
Rollerball remake, man. Rollerball remake.
Score = 4
So very humbly I once again nominate VALKYRIE. SO HARD. Tom Cruise is a nazi! Do it Gabe.
And Gangs of New York, even though I know I'll get downvoted. "I am a dooly appointed guy from the streets of lower Maaahnattan."
Score = -10
Valkyrie was okay. Maybe I just like World War 2 history too much, but I think it passed.
Score = 1
Yeah, I think the concept of the movie sounded worse than the actual movie itself.
Score = 1
I'm a huge history buff, and I thought that movie was booooring! I've never cared less about killing Hitler than I did while watching randomly accented actors plod through this tension-less snooze-fest.
Score = 0
Maybe this too recent (we all need some time to put our hate in perspective etc.) but my god was "(500) Days of Summer" annoying. (Why are there brackets around the '500', WHY?)
Score = -6
Sahara?
Yeah.
Sahara.
Score = 5
I agree 100%. I watched in the movies, because Steve Zahn is one of the (very)few actors that actually make go to the movies, but YIKES. Seriously, YIKES. D:
Score = 1
Tick tock, doc.
Gotta be "88 Minutes." It has Al Pacino and SO MANY PEOPLE FROM CBS MURDER MYSTERY SHOWS. Don't forget all the people that are revealed to be lesbians at random plot points to never have their lesbianism revisited in any way, shape or form. Leelee Sobieski. What else? WHO DID IT?
Tick tock doc.
Score = 14
Congo
Score = 4
I agree with whoever nominated Hope Floats and City of Angels. I would also like to add MARLEY & ME, and AUSTRALIA. Please.
Score = 1
Keeping with the Clive Owen theme- I wish to nominate Derailed. Oh man, that's a bad movie. AND it features none other than Jen (I call her "Jen") Aniston, fresh out of the Friends and into the proverbial fire.
Score = 8
I actually thought it was "alright." With the exception of a few ridiculous lines from Vincent Cassel, it was watchable.
Score = 2
Oh yea right, Harold would never cheat on Kumar.
Score = 16
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. That entire movie, I had one thought running through my head: "This needs to be a Worst Movie of All Time nominee. Gabe would destroy it."
Well, not the entire movie. I couldn't watch past the first half. Couldn't do it.
Score = 3
Agree! I always thought Gabe was a little too hard on Juno, which, while definitely is one of the most overrated movies of all time with some truly insufferable lines, really was pretty okay. But Nick and Norah is so completely unwatchable it makes Juno look like Citizen Kane.
Score = 2
you missed all the finger banging
Score = 3
SECONDED. It's a real shame you didn't make it to the end (it's not a real shame you didn't make it to the end), because it means you missed (were spared) the scene where Michael Cera finger-bangs Kat Dennings on the floor of a recording studio.
Score = 3
SECONDED.
Score = 1
DOUBLE-SECONDPOSTEDED.
Score = 2
DOUBLEFINGERBANGED
Score = 13
You forgot about the part where Jude Law writes obituaries for a living. IT MEANS THINGS.
Score = 24
it's in par with ALICE AYRES saving 3 CHILDREN from a burning building. or something.
Score = 1
"Like yours, but sweeter."
Score = 4
That's right - I forgot the part where this line from Closer inspired a Fall Out Boy song! Thanks (?) for reminding me.
Score = 3
I think it really says something about a movie when all of Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco song titles come from it. It says: "This movie is for teenagers who think they are very deep"
Score = 3
I would also like to nominate Black Snake Moan.
Score = -2
Life Or Something Like It
News reporter Angelina Jolie stumbles around in a terrible platinum blonde wig while getting schooled/courted by camerman Ed Burns. And Tony Shaloub guest-stars as the Magical Ethnic Homeless Person!
Seeing this on a plane was akin to a hijacking/terrorist attack.
Score = 3
Adventureland. Yuck. Kristen Stewart is a one-note bitch.
Score = -24
Really? Who likes this movie?
Score = 4
I do. Not enough to figure out a way to downvote you a dozen times, because I can see why that movie's not for everyone, but I will stand up for Adventureland. It's a decent coming-of-age movie that threads the needle between ponderous Garden State-ism and farcical Superbaddery. Plus, I've been to that amusement park in Pennsylvania.
Score = 2
Yeah, I reckon that's a good summation.
Plus the soundtrack is eighties college rock goodness.
Score = 1
Ugh, I just... The whole movie is centered around the unbelievable plot point that a boy, who is supposedly very intelligent, suddenly falls in love with a dumb, boring liar. And can't stop falling in love with her, forever and ever. And then when things get complicated and weird, everyone just makes bad conversation decisions. I feel like the whole conflict could've been solved in every scene, if the characters didn't run away from each other after every third line. Just stand there in the street and work it out! Why are you leaving? Stop mumbling so much! I can't hear you over all this tambourine music!
Score = 5
But Martin Starr is in it. Martin Starr can single-handedly save any movie from being a disaster to being, at the very least, eminently watcheable.
Score = 2
Aughgh! Someone who understands! All the insufferable hipsters I live amongst thought it was the second coming of movie Jesus, and I couldn't find one person who agreed with me. Thank you Funtastik for validating my opinion.
Score = 0
It seems like your dislike for the movie hinges on whether you think a) Kristen Stewart's character is worth falling for and/or b) Kristen Stewart is worth falling for. I can't speak to b, but she's attractive enough if she hasn't become overexposed for you. As for a, Eisenberg's (and all of our) heart wants what it wants (especially what's right in front of us regularly). What I liked about the movie was exactly the fact that her character was a dumb liar. What she wasn't? Was the Portman/Deschanel-manic pixie girl that has all the answers. Instead, she was fucked up in kind of interesting ways.
The mistakes the characters make and problems that result from being unable to express themselves? LIFE. Maybe you're better at articulating how you feel to the people you care about or can avoid the festering of misunderstandings among those who won't confront you with their interpretation of events. I'm not and I know lots of other people who aren't. This movie was real (in that respect!) to me. I suspect I'm not going to change your mind, but I do wonder if your frustration with the movie has more to do with how you feel about Kristen Stewart than it does with the movie's handling of narrative or reflection of reality.
Score = 2
Well, Kristen Stewart most definitely has something to do with it. Point A, as you describe, is a real problem I had with the movie. It also happens to be the entire focus of the movie, and so I found it hard to care about the movie as a whole.
The writing is my second huge problem with the movie. There is a difference between being unable to express yourself and constantly ending conversations prematurely by dramatically running away without prompt. No human being gets into a fight in the street after catching his girlfriend at another guy's house, only to exchange half a dozen sentences before leaving. Things were getting worked out, both of them seemed relatively calm, and the conflict could have been resolved. Then she goes to New York? And he does, too, even if he has no money? And they meet in the rain and awkwardly fuck? I only have so much barf that I can barf!
There is also the notion of mumblecore. This movie was very mumbly. Teenagers be awkward and teenagers be speaking quietly, but teenagers also be hysterical. Add to that a lot of horrible tambourine music and manufactured charm and everything just becomes a giant ball of yuck. Everything was so perfectly imperfect. A long, cliché film about everyone's dramatically-exagerated pedestrian problems.
Score = 1
OK, I'll give you the ending as far too neat, but the scene in the street worked for me. His character is pretty well-established as being nonconfrontational, especially in dramatic situations. To just not be able to deal and to feel like he needed to run off fit with his character, even if it's frustrating to watch.
I have no memory of the tambourine music. But when I watch it again, you've ensured that I'll hear it now. (Like the xylophone in True Romance.) Thanks for responding, btw. Who knew I'd argue with a box of popcorn this week?
Score = 3
Awesome defense of Adventureland. It's one of the few coming-of-age flicks that I've truly dug of all the reasons you stated. I can't abide people frothing at the mouth for that movie's blood when their are genuinely aggravating offenders in this genre out there like Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, Garden State, Igby Goes Down, Mad Love or even friggin' St Elmo's Fire!
Score = 0
Zach Braff is a great writer and Garden State was amazing.
Score = 0
late-comer BUT SECONDED...these hypocrites NOW agree with the K-Stew bashing but look in the past and you can see the hypocrisy.
Score = 0
Benjamin Button needs to be dealt with NOW. right fucking NOW.
Score = 11
i agree with this one million percent!!! especially the shitty hurricane katrina bullshit they tacked on at the end. it was only five seconds long but it made me want to punch everyone involved in greenlighting that completely WRONG timeline of events on there just to add to the scholockyness and over emotional pukefest that was that movie in general.
Score = 1
Oh lord, don't even (DON'T EVEN) get me started on the Hurricane Katrina thing in that movie. Everyone involved in that piece of trash should have to live in a FEMA shack for the rest of eternity. Definitely one of the worst films of the last 10 years.
Score = 1
Justing thinking about the Curious Case of Benjamin Button makes me angry - the diary that Benjamin Button conveniently kept of his whole life, Hurricane Katrina, Brad Pitt's blank expression throughout, the greeting card dialogue. I don't know if it's the worst movie of all time, but it's surely the most disappointing movie of all time. David Fincher, what were you thinking?
Score = 0
Also, in about 10 months, PLEASE do The Box. It was so bad that my editor made my review's headline "The Box: Two Hours Too Long" and I didn't even care, even though that would mean the movie would be -14 minutes long.
Score = 3
just wanna quickly say yr avatar makes me very very happy.
Score = 0
Based on what I overheard/oversaw from my fiancee watching it a month or so ago, I'd say The Ugly Truth. The worst part was seeing how the ultimate genius otherwise known as John Michael Higgins lowered himself to accepting a part in it. Ugh. Food on the family, I guess.
Score = 6
Natalie Portman as a stripper is probably one of the most disappointing things I've ever seen. She looks the girl from Lazytown.
Score = 20
Speaking to LazyTown, I assume everyone has already seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQp5l4-sfFA
Score = 0
Can we please start The Hunt For The Best Movie of all Time? i feel like that hate is already wearing thin with THFTWMOAT. i mean, Funny Games? Gran Torino? Look, I know Robin Williams movies don't grow on trees, but these next nominees better be good (bad), or else it may be time to hunt for the best
obviously if we did the Hunt for the Best it wouldn't just be Godfather and Ghostbusters, but rather films that exude Best-ness and may not be widely recognized as the best. here are my nominees for The Hunt For The Best Movie Of All Time:
They Live
Total Recall
Snatch
Young Frankenstein
The Big Lebowski
Training Day
The Goonies
Old Boy
Labyrinth
Score = 24
I love that They Live is at the very top of your list.
Score = -1
"I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and i'm all out of bubblegum." i mean, that has to count for something
Score = 5
That does count for something. That counts for everything.
Score = 2
Any movie with Rowdy Roddy F'in Piper automatically gets nominated for BMOAT.
Score = 0
Wow, great idea / REALLY bold nominations. Don't think me rude, but I want to up-vote your balls (because I agree with 94% of your choices).
Score = 3
I'm gonna cross off Snatch, Big Lebowski and Old Boy right off the bat for being too cult-y, and I'm gonna cross off Young Frankenstein for being a classic. But I'm gonna upvote Total Recall really, really hard, because basically every movie should be that movie.
Score = 10
Wow. I didn't know The Big Lebowski was even unlikable, let alone WMOAT-able! It's so fucking funny! What don't you like?
Score = -13
I think you misread his post.
Score = 7
Whoops, that's what I get for only reading every third word!
Score = -2
I saw the list of movies first before reading the rest of your post and nearly vomited with rage. Disaster averted.
Score = 8
Oh, I was so happy that Snatch was there. I didn't know anyone else that liked it :)
Score = 0
For real? That thing is like a cult classic. The Guy Ritchie movie everyone likes.
Score = 3
Uhhhhhh...try again.
Score = -2
Well, no one I knew liked it. Granted, I don't know a lot of people, but still, they either hated it, or just didn't care about it.
Score = 1
whoops, sorry. This was meant as a reply to d33r. Downvote away.
Score = -1
No on Snatch. The English should stop trying to top Tarantino; one Tarantino is already too many.
Score = 1
ENVY ENVY ENVY! Please. IT MUST BE DONE! I can guarantee you that it is the worst "comedy" ever made with such a high caliber group of people (Ben Stiller! Rachel Weisz! Christopher Walken! Amy Poehler! And Jack Black, I guess!), and quite possibly the worst "comedy" EVER. I've noticed that lately there have been a lot of actually-not-so-bad movies in the Hunt, and this is distressing because it means TRUE CINEMATIC CRAP like Envy is not being covered. Please please please, do Envy!
Score = 12
I am seconding this. I've been lobbying for Envy for months and Gabe's given me the ol' cold shoulder every time. This film is awful. It is only by the grace of God that it wasn't hyped to the point that it actually entered the cultural zeitgeist or in 10 years there would be Michael Ian Black wearily recalling the "WHERE DOES THE SHIT GO WE WANT TO KNOW" fad of the early 21st Century.
Score = 0
The Love Guru is a hands down winner.
Score = 14
oh man, whole-heartedly agree. that movie was so depressing. i have a slowly hardening soft spot for mike meyers (so i married an axe murderer! wayne's world! the first austin powers!) and, though he's rumored to be a big douche in real life, i went in hopeful and left so sad and mad and grossed out. ben kingsley ought to be ashamed of himself.
Score = 0
Maybe there should be a no Jude Law rule in the near future. Even so, I'm nominating Music From Another Room.
It is a very ridiculous movie... starring Jude Law.
Score = 6
For Your Consideration:
I am still carrying my Antitrust flag. It's just awful. I will offer the subtle reminder of the terribleness of the casting of Giant Robbins and Primordial Dwarf Philippe, remind folks that sesame seeds constitute a major plot point, and also link to the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS1EOjO9sgw
Score = 1
BEST IDEA EVER!
You made my perineum, etc tingle.
Total Recall is the most fun you will ever have watching a movie Gabe.
Regardless of how many times you may have already seen it.
Score = 4
Total Recall is amazing! LOVE. THAT. MOVIE. So much that somehow it's on my DVR twice.
It's all wrong for The Hunt, though. It doesn't suck.
But Gabe could probably make it sound like it sucks....
This is my officially unnominating Total Recall, but still recommending you all watch it if you haven't already.
Score = 4
i nominate 21 Grams. So many acting faces, from some of the faceiest actors in the game.
Score = -9
:(
Score = 4
:)
Score = 14
Down to You. PLEASE, Down to You.
"It's not the meaning of life, Alfred, it's the feeling of life!"
Score = 8
I am a sucker for a terrible chickflick, but that movie was a bag of feces at its best moments.
Score = 3
AGREED. I hated that movie even when I was eight and had no taste.
Score = 0
Yes, and if Twilight was demeaning to Julia Roberts, we'd upvote it forever.
Score = 1
Ugh. That was a reply to douglasdodgson waaaaaaaaaay up in the thread. My face totally turned red when I realized what I did, and that hasn't happened since a very unfortunate incident in which I pantomimed a bj (with wrist action!) to make a point, without checking to see who was behind me first.
Score = 6
I nominate The Emperor's Club. Please. The conflict centers around a prep school competition called "Mr. Julius Caesar." Enough said?
Score = 0
I nominate What Women Want, in which Mel Gibson gets electrocuted while wearing pantyhose and lipstick, so then he is able to read women's minds, because that's just how electricity works (you should take a science class sometime). Hilarity ensues! Mel Gibson fucks a 20-year-old using mind-reading sex techniques! He also sticks his crotch out at Helen Hunt a lot!
But then suddenly it is about suicide? YIKES.
Score = 24
Knowing
laughably bad, and the ending CG-planet makes me think it might be a prequel to Avatar. So if you're planning on watching that, this is required viewing!
Score = 4
I sent Gabe an email about "Knowing" and mentioned it a few reviews back. This movie simply HAS to be done and i will second, third, fourth, whatever-eth it until my fingers bleed.
It is the. worst. movie. ever. (period)
Score = 1
I really like Closer when it first came out. I saw in theaters and swore it spoke about how messed up love was. Then I became an adult watched it again and realized it was awful.
Score = 5
I'm still adamant that I win (or is that lose?) with my pick of Running With Scissors.
It's what made Al-Quaeda mad at us... fo' realz.
Score = 5
I really like Closer when it first came out. I saw in theaters and swore it spoke about how messed up love was. Then I became an adult watched it again and realized it was awful.
Score = 0
I know the graduate is one of those movies everyone is suppose to love but ugh. I just saw it and while I get it (how could you not?) I did not enjoy it. So Nichols does not get a pass from me.
Score = -3
Okay why did this go in twice. I really did only hit submit once. Also besides Adventureland I would like to continue my campaign for Home Fries and add Alpha Dog.
Score = 0
DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE is seriously worth considering (sorry for being a first-time commenter, by the way. I promise to never again be a first-time commenter)
Score = 8
the worst movie ever is I HEART HUCKABEES. just terribly atrocious. and way too many people say it is great because they like the cast. but it's really poopy.
and it shares a name with mike huckabee.
for my dark horse candidate, i'd like to nominate the 1988 richard pryor comedy MOVING. barf.
Score = -7
I will throw myself on a downvote sword with you for this one. I love goofy, twee movies with actors doing edgy things that attempt to make some sort of statement about life or the world. And I love Lily Tomlin! Most people I know who feel the same way seemed to adore I heart Huckabees. I hate Huckabees. "How am I not myself?" I don't care, Jude Law
Score = 0
FREEDOMLAND. Please.
Score = 0
I nominate WILD CHILD (2008), written by Roald Dahl's daughter Lucy. This is all you need to know: "A rebellious Malibu princess is shipped off to a strict English boarding school by her father." You'll learn a lot about life! I'm sure that Roald Dahl spinning in his grave will cause the Earth to one day spin out of orbit, destroying us all.
Score = 2
please do the devil's advocate.
Score = 4
Shakespeare in Love. Ugh. That movie makes me so mad, and it's so bad, and it has my least favorite actors ever, it's not even... I don't even. I mean, seriously, they put Gwyneth Paltrow, Joseph Fiennes and Ben Affleck in the same movie? It's like they WANT US TO SUFFER.
(sorry for the bad english, I'm brazillian)
Score = 0
Ugh, yeah, agreed. I'm usually one to fall all over period love stories, but even I couldn't stomach this, turned it off halfway. I don't mind Joseph Fiennes actually, but seriously, Gwyneth? Which person in Hollywood ever thought it was a good idea to cast her in anything?
Score = 0
Aeon Flux with Charlize Theron
Smoking Aces
Score = 0
Gabe, You say theater is contrived and stilted because of the medium (“There is a distance between the stage and the audience, both literally and figuratively, that simply makes it a poor tool in the era of instantaneous communication and "reality" to get much work done”). But how are movie's not equally contrived and stilted? The amount of processing that movies go through (editing, cinematography, scoring, focus groups...) similarly make them pretty contrived. The fact that they're much more immediate than a play doesn't make them any more real. It's just a different, more modern, way of telling a story.
Score = 1
You make a really good point about stage plays.
However, films are processed but I'd argue that they are closer to the way we experience life. There is a very cool episode of Radiolab (SO go and find that podcast it is so great) in which Walter Murch (big time movie editor) came across the idea that we blink not to moisten our eyeballs but to "edit" and break up the stimuli coming into us from said eyeballs (perineum etc). Anyway there's a lot of science to back it up blah blah blah. Cool stuff.
Score = 0
Chasing Amy! BLECH
Score = 0
Sideways! I have no idea why people like this movie so much.
Score = -4
People like this movie because it's great.
Score = 1
I really liked this movie.
Score = 0
Me too! Uh, which one?
Score = 5
I sent in an email tip that has gone unnoticed for too long. Simply Irresistible with Sarah Michelle Gellar. As for recent movies:
- Jumper, starring probably the worst actor of our generation, Hayden Christensen.
- The Happening, starring another worst actor nominee
Marky MarkMark Whalberg, from the wrecked mind of trying-too-hard writer/director M. Night ShyamalanHaving said that, now I can't possibly read the comments about the actual movie of the week because everyone is shouting tips. Maybe there should had been a post requesting tips
(The topic was already wrecked when I touched base tonight)
Score = -2
Troy
The Island of Dr. Moreau
Van Helsing
Score = 0
I'd love to see a WMOAT/Best Movie of All Time mashup with the Kingdom of Heaven theatrical cut vs. the director's cut. Donnie Darko could be a follow up.
Score = 0
Bruce. Almighty.
Score = 0
School of Life, starring Ryan Reynolds and the kid from Dreamcatcher who almost ate poo. I had to go on IMDB to make sure it was released in theaters (it was!) and strangely enough people were calling it "amazing." One of the subjects on the featured message boards was, "Is this a parody?" which is pretty much how I felt about it. It's hilariously jump into life.
Score = 0
The House Bunny.
Now you might say, hey kushiro (it's no use, I can't hear you), how could a movie with Anna Faris, Emma Stone, Kat Dennings and Colin Hanks be all that bad? My answer: when it also has Katharine McPhee and Rumer WIllis. And Hugh Hefner and his playmates, including Kendra. (oh, and Anna Faris. Chick makes bad movies. Which reminds me: Observe and Report).
How bad was this movie? I downloaded it for free and still felt ripped off. I want my (Cdn) $0.00 back, internet!
Score = -1
I signed up just to nominate Death Race. If I don't defend Ian McShane's honour, no one will... and clearly he can't be bothered to defend himself. JUST SAY NO, IAN MCSHANE!
Score = 0
oh please, oh please, OH PLEASE...
A WALK TO REMEMBER
Score = 5
i think i've shared this story before, but i went to go see that at the dollar theater. pretty sure i was stoned (this was like sophomore year in college for me, so that's practically a given). definitely burst out laughing at the poignant mandy moore in the hospital scene. definitely got yelled at by the people sharing the theater with me.
Score = 1
I nominate either movie written and/or directed by Alan Ball, so American Beauty or Towelhead will do. His tv work is ok, so I guess he saves his horribleness exclusively for films.
Also...
Hamlet 2
Art School Confidential
The Net
Gothika
Score = 2
Yes!!! Hamlet 2 is the worst! Of all time!
Score = 2
Ohmygod Art School Confidential. I had forgotten completely about that movie, or else blocked it out...perfect nomination. it reached new levels of TERRIBLE.
Score = 3
Towelhead is, indisputably, THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
Score = 3
I liked American Beauty fine, but your other nominations are amazing! Hamlet 2 (AAAAAA++++++ EBAYER!!!!!!1!!!1 WILL BUY AGAIN!!)
Score = 2
there is no denying this movie would have been better or worse whilst baked.
denying obviated.
Score = 0
"going to go back to college"?!!!!?????!!
OMG GABE, YOU WENT TO COLLEGE?
Score = 0
Sure he did! Of course, back then, they called it "The Army."
Score = 11
Who called it 'The Army?' The dinosaurs?
Score = 2
Gabe. The Brothers Bloom. Please. Reasons: 1. Quirky girl love interest 2. Ridiculously confusing and overzealous plot 3. Vagina flasher from Babel has a large (mostly non speaking because she doesn't speak English very well and everyone knows it) role 4. Adrien Brody 5. Period costumes in a modern day movie 6. You know the script and things 5. Implied sexual abuse mentioned but never dealt with in any way, shape or form.
Score = -3
Oh my... Uh, I'm glad I held out so long, is one way of putting it...
So this is great: She had a habit, when she saw me hesitating before a perilous life decision about jobs or money or moving, of leaning right into my face and saying, "Jump." I always thought that was zero help, and now I know it ALSO turns out to be exactly what one of the horrible people says in this movie to convince one of the other horribles to do something big (in their case, cheat).
So! For one girl out there, lessons were learned, and applied! Conversation lessons.
It's late. I'm going to sleep, to have nightmares.
Score = 1
Ugh, super-annoying -- why didn't this appear as a reply to myself above?
Score = 1
Whatever Works
Deja Vu
Score = -2
Fun with Dick and Jane. Please! It resonates during our recessionary time because of how sad it is when the upper middle class lose their jobs and have to steal in order to keep living in mansions! It's fucking atrocious! Jim Carrey!
Score = 2
I never get to these things fast enough to make a difference, but "The Shape of Things" is a special kind of Worst.
Score = 1
I second that nomination. "The Shape of Things" reeks of a film student's project, and made me completely loathe something with Paul Rudd in it (even more than "The Object of My Affection").
Score = 1
"fuck off and die you fucked up slag" is the best line from this movie, maybe from clive owen's career. the criticism of the movie makes sense to me, but i did see the play before the movie came out, and was very impressed at the time. for those who liked the film, i would recommend reading the script for the play. and the ending is different in the play.
FAILURE TO LAUNCH for the hunt. such a terrible movie.
Score = 3
Any movie containing the line
"That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag."
should be exempt from WMOAT consideration. Period.
Score = 1
Kate and Leopold. It's by far the most anti-feminist, unwatchable piece of claptrap in existence. Plus you get to see when Meg Ryan's face first started to melt.
Score = 4
The Shadow.
Seriously you guys.
Score = -3
Me. I'm the guy who likes "The Shadow."
Score = 2
Ugh, but the book was so bad! SO BAD!
Author: "This book is a great big metaphor about how BLIND and ISOLATED we all are in our daily lives. GET IT. Here, let me illustrate it constantly through exceedingly transparent plot devices. What, you still don't get it? Here, let me literally explain it to you for a while. Now do you get it?"
Ugh x 1000
Score = 1
Um, so this was supposed to be a response to a previous comment, but I suck and it's not. DOWNVOTED.
P.S. I was talking about Blindness, a book which is awful.
Score = 0
I actually really liked Closer. It's not perfect and you have perfectly reasonable criticisms of it but it's not even close to the worst movie of all time. I found the acting was well done and the emotions portrayed by the movie fit very well with emotions that can be felt in real relationships sometimes.
Score = -1
Simply Irresistible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Score = -1
Also...Oprah interviewed Julia and Nat Port after this movie came out and Julia was all like "it was so brave of her (Nat Port Port) to play such a daring role. I don't think I'd be brave enough to take on such a role (right.)" The women made her career on playing a prostitute. And Port was all like my pink wig totally rocks your yellow wig! And Oprah was all like "Everyone is friends on my show you best be behaving!" Awesome.
Score = 1
I've been nominating Chasing Amy for several weeks now and I will continue to do so until Gabe enters it in the hunt or I get lazy. Don't test me, Delahaye.
Score = 2
I highly recommend considering Killer Clowns from Outer Space. I'm not sure if I'd nominate it for best or worst of all time but it's definitely one of those two.
Cotton candy cocoons.
Score = -1
Good Luck Chuck and (for future rounds) The Box. Whoa man, The Box was bad!
Score = 1
dear gabe and other hilarious haters (i mean no disrespect, by such a title...you hate on things in a very funny way), stop wasting your time with movies like Closer and Rachel Getting Married, they have far to much redeeming qualities to be on "the list". I just watched Godzilla...the 1998 version. If you want your list to be legit, don't just hate the ones you thought weren't "cool", hate the ones that leave you wanting to rethink the life choices that led you to sitting through the whole thing. Think more: "Shoot 'em Up", less "Across the Universe."
Score = 2
Tearing apart movies that are universally recognized as bad is neither fun to write nor amusing to read. Tearing apart movies that are widely perceived, or at least marketed, to be good is both (see also the WMOAT manifesto).
Score = 1
across the universe made me rethink all of humanity and our ability to create such terribleness in the world.
Score = 0
I nominate Revolutionary Road, massively overrated. It's bad like Closer is bad, too theatrical.
Score = 0
I wasn't sure what to nominate..then it came to me last night like a fever dream:
THE MEXICAN
Score = 5
I am gratified to see so many Samuel L. Jackson nominations. I think it is about time to recognize that no matter how much we like Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson is basically the black Nicolas Cage. Dead eyes. Expressing emotions by changing voice volume. You know.
And my nomination is "Rules of Engagement" in which a slimy NSA guy tries to railroad an honorable soldier because nobody appreciates soldiers or ever gives them the benefit of the doubt. So many of these movies but this one was obviously trying to be good, and failed miserably. Thanks, culture war of the '90s! You were right! We should just invade everywhere without thinking about it too much or we hate the troops! We have to be willing to make the tough calls if we want to protect our freedom. (Or is it "freedoms" now? I think it changed right around the time we were burning all those Dixie Chicks CDs.)
Score = -1
I'd like to nominate ENVY. I saw this for free and that wasn't free enough. My friends and I walked out. Talk about dreadful...
I def agree that city of angels should be reviewed.
Score = 3
I will throw these two nominees in once more, as both reviews would yield incredible gifs and terrific observations:
The Notebook
Planet of the Apes Remake starring Mark Wahlberg (hey ape, how's it going? say hi to your mother for me, okay?)
Score = 3
There are problems with the characters not being sympathetic, but I think that was the point of the movie. Each character seems to gain dominance only to fall back into being subservient again. There is a great scene at the end, where Owen is back with Roberts, and Law comes in all sniveling and groveling, and Owen rips him apart in a scathing speech. If you hate Jude Law, it's basically like watching someone (Clive Owen) say all the things to him you wish you could say. Worth it.
Score = 4
Nominations: The Patriot, Independence Day, The Box, Saving Private Ryan (after the first 15 minutes), Mod Squad, Deception, ENVY (I got your back!), COLD MOUNTAIN, please.
Score = -1
i don't understand how duets hasn't been recapped yet. just because the search would be over, right?
Score = 3
Heath Ledger's The Order, which I love.
Also, Bill Paxton's Frailty, which I once loved, but love no longer.
Score = 1
I was going to write a thing about how modern theater is perceived as "gay" in our society, but then I read about how it was new round of movie nominees and I wanted to say:
ENVY starring Jack Black and Ben Stiller. I swear, watch it and you will cry blood. PLEASE. You have done failed awful comedy before, but you have never done failed awful comedy so poorly executed or ill-conceived.
AND THE MUSIC!! Oh GOD, they had all their own MUSIC written (?) and performed for the movie!
Score = 2
Surely The Notebook's time has come.
Score = 1
i can't see the photo i posted. though there is little confusion over how terrible gwyneth paltrow is, i don't think i have ever seen one photo demonstrate it so clearly. attempt 2:
Score = 1
uhh this was supposed to be in reply to my earlier comment re: duets. i'm becoming my mother!
Score = 2
WATER WORLD - is a terribly awful movie
and pretty much anything with Keanu Reeves
Score = 1
WATER WORLD - is a terribly awful movie
and pretty much anything with Keanu Reeves
Score = 1
But Black Dynamite, I was in a community theater production of Our Town!
Score = 2
The Postman
Score = 0
Perfect Stranger. Huh you say? Stars Halle Berry and Bruce Willis.
Laughably bad. Worst I've seen awhile. You'll enjoy ripping it apart.
And Surfer Dude took me three tries. Title says it all.
Score = 0
i love you Gabe, but i dont think I can agree with on Closer. Like Crash, i fucking love it. SORRYZ. but that part about 'main characters revealing themselves to be too stupid to not just get hit by a car' was heavy on the LOLz.
for the next batch of WMOAT, ill have to ONCE again nominate Dogma. the shittiest movie of all time. please and thank you.
Score = -1
i love you Gabe, but i dont think I can agree with on Closer. Like Crash, i fucking love it. SORRYZ. but that part about 'main characters revealing themselves to be too stupid to not just get hit by a car' was heavy on the LOLz.
for the next batch of WMOAT, ill have to ONCE again nominate Dogma. the shittiest movie of all time (next to Elizabethtown)(NEVER FORGET) please and thank you.
Score = -1
Wait wait wait! Have we done Garden State yet?
Score = -1
How Mike Nichols really got his lifetime pass:
Score = 1
nearly all of the movies mentioned are heavy contenders, but I'd like to throw in Rules of Attraction-the adaption of the Bret Easton Ellis novel with James Van der Beek, Jessica Biel, and the girl who had an orgasm from rose petals in 40 Days and 40 Nights. The move is billed as a "dark comedy" and "scathing satire", but sorry Mr. Ellis, this is just bat shit crazy.
Prrof: For the DVD Commentary, no one associated with the film wanted to do it, so they just hired Carrot Top. CARROT TOP WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD DO IT.
Score = 0
Is it too late to nominate Gigantic for the Hunt? Paul Dano is 28 and wants to adopt a Chinese baby. Even while banging Zooey Deschanel. Right. And he's being stalked by a homeless Zach Galifianakis. It's terrible. I don't think any of its 8 plot lines were resolved. Terrible terrible movie.
Score = 0
I nominate Wild Wild West with Will Smith. Any movie with mechanical spiders (which were very prominent in the 19TH CENTURY!!!! (Wait - what?)) should automatically have a place in the top five.
Score = 1
While we're at it, I've got a list that, while it does not involve mechanical spiders, DOES showcase some really terrible moviemaking:
Eyes Wide Shut
Monster's Ball
Milk
Mulholland Falls
Nine (the animated atrocity that came out this summer). SPOILER ALERT: the creepy inventor dude's different rag-doll personalities want to FUCK EACH OTHER!
Old School
A Knight's Tale (the only movie I have ever walked out of)
Score = -3
the other night i was having a conversation with a friend about great comic books (i know, i know, i'm a dork, whatever) and it struck me: FROM HELL. i think i had actually blotted the experience of seeing that out of my psyche. it was atrocious. johnny depp plays an opium addicted investigator who is on the jack the ripper case, and he gets real high all the time so he can have visions about who the next victim is. and he falls in love with heather graham. who is a prostitute and supposed to be jack's next victim. and, surprise, she can't even play that role realistically. as i remember it was pretty long and stopped making sense about 15 minutes in.
Score = 1
Fingers crossed so hard that it isn't too late to make it in this round, but I believe the Halle Berry/Sharon Stone vehicle Catwoman should really be dealt with.
Score = 0
seriously, halle berry is the female robin williams
Score = 0
...yeah...Closer sucks to anyone who can't ejaculate just by looking at a scantily clad Natalie Portman...and for those people, meet Hotel Chevalier, the short film preceeding The Darjeeling Limited...another way to make a good actress do a shitty boring role and lose appeal.
Score = 0
Damn I like this film O_o
Score = 0
This movie was so horrendous, I've actually put off even reading this "review" because I didn't wanna be faced with the horredicity of this movie. The three times I had split-second emotional responses to this film were overshadowed by the liberal use of "raw" and "sobering" to describe this movie when it first came out. All I saw were gross and grossly pathetic people who didn't grow up. Unless hardcore sex chat sites really ARE where you go to find a faithful, upstanding husband on whom you won't cheat with a failed everything played by Jude Law. And also kudos to Natalie Portman for taking on such a raw and sobering role. Now whenever I see her she just looks like the Herp.
Sidebar: "your club is self-destructive, solipsistic, and stupid" - I think you already went to college. And I couldn't have said it better myself.
Score = 0