The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Gone In 60 Seconds
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
Action movies are basically children's movies for adults. That is to say that they are expressly designed to hit very specific pleasure centers to generate a predictable and uniform reaction. Bad action movies, like bad children's movies, are rarely open to interpretation. Children's movies, of course, are exempt from this Spiritual Journey because what's the point? They are made for an audience with unique needs that are not the needs of adults. Forget it, Jake, it's Babytown, etc. Action movies are not entirely exempt from the Hunt, as the CrankHeads know all too well, but they might as well be exempt. They are simply too intentionally dumb and their ambitions too low to ever seriously surprise anyone with their terribleness. "What do you mean Speed 2 wasn't very good? How is that even possible?" is not a thing anyone has ever said. Let dogs sleeping at 55 miles per hour lie, or whatever.
Gone in 60 Seconds is no exception. But it is terrible. So:
Gone in 60 Seconds begins with Giovanni Ribisi stealing a Porsche from a Porsche dealiership and driving it right through the dealership's glass doors. Whoops! Wouldn't that mess up the front of the really expensive car you just stole pretty badly? Nevermind, no time! This movie runs on PURE ADRENALINE. Actually, wait, no it doesn't. The opening credit sequence is interminable, and sets the pace for the rest of the movie. For a movie about sports cars and the need for speed, this might as well be an audiobook, or a delicious meal. DON'T RUSH IT! Anyway, Giovanni Ribisi decides to drag race someone in his stolen car, which gets the police's attention, and they follow him all the way to a warehouse filled with stolen cars. Everyone starts running away. The special task force of CAR THIEF DETECTIVES show up and impound all the cars. Now Giovanni Ribisi is in trouble with the Third Level Final Boss who hired him, and the only way to rescue him is for Nicolas Cage, the most FAMOUS CAR THIEF IN THE WORLD to come back to Los Angeles and steal 50 cars in four days. 50 cars is so many cars! Nicolas Cage agrees to do it, but only for his brother, and then he asks his mentor (because car thieves have mentors) Robert Duvall to help him put together a crew. But he better watch his back, because the CAR THIEF DETECTIVES are all over him. Anyway, the rest of the movie is kind of like Ocean's 11, if Ocean's 11 was retarded, and about cars instead of casinos, and moved along at the speed of a podcast. Will he be able to steal all 50 cars in one night with his wisecracking crew of car thief misfits? Or will the grudge-holding CAR THIEF DETECTIVES put him in Car Jail?
So, Nicolas Cage and pals get 49 of the 50 cars, and there is just one car left to steal, which is Nicolas Cage's "unicorn"? They actually call it that in the movie? And people talk about how Nicolas Cage is scared of stealing this particular model of car because he and this model of car have "a history"? Just steal the fucking car, you baby. So Nicolas Cage steals the car, and there is a boring, tedious car chase (like watching a car chase dry), Nicolas Cage breaks the rearview mirror (oh no! They just used up the extent of my emotional investment in this movie! I hope the car doesn't die!) and jumps over an ambulance on the Great Bridge of Los Angeles, and gets the car to the bad guy, but he is 5 minutes late, so the bad guy decides to destroy the car, not pay him any money, and also kill him. Well, A DEAL IS A DEAL. But blah blah blah, Giovanni Ribisi uses a wrecking ball to save the day, and then Nicolas Cage has a fistfight shootout in the bad guy's warehouse. The CAR THIEF DETECTIVES show up, and then the bad guy is going to kill the cop, but Nicolas Cage tackles the bad guy, who falls through a window into a coffin that he built (don't worry about it, but basically his hobby is building furniture and also building coffins) and the cop can't believe that Nicolas Cage, the most famous car thief in the whole world, who he wishes he had put in jail when he had the chance, saved his life, and so he lets him go...There's also a barbecue, but basically the end.
Now, the main reason I even put this movie into consideration in the first place is because someone told me Angelina Jolie had blond dreadlocks in it. Uh, SOLD. And it's true, so let's get that out of the way:
It's weird that she was only 22 or something when this movie came out, but her face looks like a handbag made out of a dead person. Who died of old age. A million years ago. I'm pretty sure that when Donald Johanson was excavating the Hadar site in Ethiopia, he dug up the oldest known fossil of Angelina Jolie's face, and then they put it in this movie.
Speaking of Angelina Jolie, she is part of one of my favorite plot points, which is when Nicolas Cage and Robert Duvall are putting together the team of car thieves, most of their old crew are dead or in jail or otherwise out of commission. There are only two people left on their potential list of recruits: Angelina Jolie and Vinnie Jones. "Oh no," Robert Duvall says, "not those two." Nicolas Cage is like "I know, but they're the only two left on our list." Except that it turns out they're really productive and helpful members of the team? Like, they're brave and good at stealing cars and loyal and they help Nicolas Cage get out of a number of jams. So I don't know what they were so scared of.
That's the way most of this movie is. They cobbled together cliches, which would be bad enough if the cliches made sense, but here they just don't. I mean, I know that you need to have a clue dropped in the first act fall into the hands of the police at the end of the second act to help put them back on the trail for the third act, but does that clue really have to be a broken piece of glass from a black lightbulb? Because when the one cop says "the results came back from the lab, that piece of glass is from a black light bulb," it is hilarious, and very, very stupid. (Although maybe not as stupid as the following scene in which the two cops have a very "natural" conversation in which they EXPLAIN WHAT BLACKLIGHTS ARE. Hi, this movie was made in 2000. I think we all know what blacklights are, Dr. Emmett Brown.)
And of course the Bad Guy has to have an accent (Irish?) and an obscure hobby (furniture making), how else are you going to get the adrenaline going?
Perhaps the most egregious problem with this movie, which is an egregious problem with a lot of shitty action movies, is the false moral world they construct that I am supposed to buy into. Like, it's one thing for me to accept that Nicolas Cage is the MOST FAMOUS CAR THIEF IN THE WHOLE WORLD, and that there is an entire division of the LAPD devoted exclusively to pursuing car thieves in general, and famous high-end sports car thieves in particular. But, like, at one point, the Car Detectives' case clashes with the Homicide Department, who explain that they are putting together a strong case against the Main Bad Guy on charges of murder in the first degree. "We're talking about murder," the homicide detective says, "who gives a shit about Grand Theft Auto?" GOOD POINT, SIR. Then at the climax of the movie, the one Car Detective decides to go after the bad guy anyway, and the other Car Detective is like, "but Homicide told us to lay off," and the first Car Detective says, "the hell with homicide." REALLY? You think that capturing a car thief for jumping over an ambulance is more important than allowing the police to arrest a known murderer for committing a ton of murders.
I hope this CRAZY MOBILE can seat everyone!
Besides, Nicolas Cage didn't even jump the car over the amublance anyway! He simply cut a photo of the car out of a magazine and he pasted it in the sky above the ambulance. See?
In this movie's defense, it did have a lot of great Nicolas Cage face acting.
Driving! He probably spent three months stealing cars with world famous car thieves and then engaging in high-speed car chases through crowded urban areas to see what kind of faces they really made. Got 2 get it just right.
Although, if there were Oscars for Car Driving Face Acting, I think 2000 would have been a pretty tough year for the judges. Because on the one hand, you've got Nicolas Cage, who basically deserves the award less for this particular movie and more for a Lifetime Achievement in Car Driving Face Acting, and then you've got this up-and-comer giving a breakout performance as Cop #2:
He's gonna need a bigger mantle!
Next week: Funny Games. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven't done so already, please consult the Official Rules.
Posted by Gabe at 5:50 PM in The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Tags: Angelina Jolie | Cars | Giovanni Ribisi | Gone In 60 Seconds | Nicolas Cage | Timothy Olyphant
I think it's more like that egg eating scene in Cool Hand Luke than Ocean's 11. That way when you compare Nic Cage to Paul Newman, you get a much better sense of what a stupid walking pile of stupid-haired shitty acting he really is. Plus, eggs are cooler than cars! Right?
Score = 2
P.S. Prepare your stomach and your ability to control outrage for Funny Games. What sadist nominated that?!
Score = 7
It may have been Director Michael Haneke himself in an effort to bludgeon Gabe to death with a very special "message" about how terrible someone who watches a movie like Funny Games is.
Score = 7
All right, let me clarify. I think of the Hunt as something fun to make fun of dumb shitty Hollywood movies. It's the best when a movie takes itself very seriously (e.g., Caligula) and fails to take the audience along on its very serious dramatic ride because they're laffing too hard. Funny Games is something you can't help but take very seriously, and the outrage it provokes is the intentional kind, not the "This is fuckin' shitty!" kind. Writing something light and fun about Funny Games is pretty impossible. I won't say anymore since I'm sure there will lots of Deep Cinematic Conversations next week, but I wish it were about Hope Floats instead so I can laugh about Sandra Bullock's southern accent instead of thinking about horrific violence. HOPE FLOATS, GABE! IT'S TERRIBLE!
Score = 10
Agreed, both on Hope Floats and on the fact that if gabe gets a good WMOAT out of Funny Games, I'm going to award him one each of any body part I have two of. Hope we're a match, you braggadocious knight.
Score = 9
Come on. There's more preaching in Funny Games than at a Baptist Church. Horrible, stupid bullshit movie that the motherfucker made twice. TWICE! It even fails at being intentionally bad because it's bad in ways it didn't intend to be. Like its pedantic awfulness.
Score = 1
"Good comment. Very critical."
- Danny Mothers
Score = 1
That was me, actually. I suggested it to challenge/test some argument that Gabe often made about movies being intentionally bad, which I now forget the specifics of because it is was several months ago, and the search is really letting me down, so I can't find it, and how did we get to be October already? Hmph.
Something something the levels of meta-worst make it good? I don't know. This has actually all been discussed before, since the film has come up many times in various comment threads. I'm interested to see what Gabe contributes to the discussion, since most regular members have already voiced their thoughts... somewhere.
Score = 2
Of course now I find it. Gabe argued once that no one makes an intentionally bad movie. You know, which means he can never take it back, ever, obviously. (Yes, he can.) Dig away at this comment thread, should you wish.
Score = 2
Oh maaaaaan, the next gummer 'you can make it up' prize should be a lovingly hand-crafted flip book of those hilarious driving faces.
The internal rate of return on my LOLk just took off. To probably like 30%. Maybe higher. 40%? 43%? Anyway, it's really high.
Score = 20
I would again like to say that I saw this in the theatre, and my girlfriend at the time loved it, and that was the big signal that things were going downhill.
Score = 6
The same thing happened to a friend of mine. She realized her girlfriend was a total redneck when they fought over watching this movie and the girlfriend said something about Angelina Jolie and cars being her two favorite things. I, on the other hand, thought it was cute that my college boyfriend liked stupid movies like this (his favorite actor was Steven Seagal). It wasn't. "That's a deal breaker, ladies!"
Score = 7
Also, my girl was DRUUUNK on wine before we went, so, yeah.
Score = 2
i dated a guy whose favorite actor was brendan fraser. he would fall asleep to "monkey bone" every night. and if not "monkey bone" then "just one of the guys." he was basically mentally disabled, as was i for dating him.
Score = 2
i actually enjoyed this movie when it came out yet would consider myself as pretentious as you (and others, real talk). so, enigma, i guess.
Score = 4
We all have our demons. Or something.
Score = 2
Are we not animals.
Score = 4
Oh, Goddamnit. Funny Games is next week and I have to work late. It's probably for the best, though. I've gotten in so many arguments with friends over it that I'm worried I'll make an ass out of myself.
Could someone please step up the plate and defend this fucker for me? It's one of the most divisive and confrontational films EVER MADE and no matter what your interpretation of it is, you at least need to give it props for that.
Oh well. Animated Remote Control GIF! ANIMATED REMOTE CONTROL GIF!
Score = 8
Don't you worry. I love, love, love Funny Games (both of the barely different versions) and Haneke in general. I will defend it valiantly.
Score = 7
I love love LOVE how confrontational Funny Games is. People want to laugh at violence because Hollywood presents it as humor or for its cool factor. ("OPTIMUUUUUUUSSSSS!!!!!")
But violence SUCKS. Also, people are under some weird assumption that movies are only supposed to invoke emotions like, happy, bedazzled, scurred!, and hungry. Movies have every right to make you ANGRY AS SHIT.
Anyone that hates Funny Games, I can only recommend you check out Jean-Luc Godard's 'Weekend.' You'll be begging to have Funny Games put back on.
Score = 4
Love Weekend, no one makes 'em like Godard. It's one of those rare anti-narrative films that'd actually worth watching. An opposite example would be Harmony Korine's new film Trash Humpers, it's so far removed from any structure at all, total mind-fuck.
Score = 0
I'll try and defend it for you because that's what friendsgum do, but I haven't seen the movie because it looks terrifying.
Score = 0
major lols at the last cage face acting frame.
Score = 16
That series is from the scene where he has to steal Fred Flintstone's car.
Score = 0
You didn't talk about the laser keys! That was my favorite part! ...There is only one key for this one car...you have to special order them...from Ben Franklin's secret vault of secrets. It's pretty much the National Treasure plot device of this movie.
Score = 10
I love that there are car thieving gangs and car thieving order lists and that Chi McBride screams at an Asian woman because 'she can't drive'.
Nicholas Cage lives in a world I want to live in.
Score = 5
Nicolas Cage also lives in a world of airborne toxins that melt people's faces, convoluted Las Vegas boxing and/or assassination plots, and computer generated crime fighting hampsters. His is not simply a world of "car thieving gangs." His is a world of awful, awful plot lines.
Score = 10
"Anyway, the rest of the movie is kind of like Ocean's 11, if Ocean's 11 was retarded"
So, like Ocean's 12? I don't think I was ever more proud of my parents' taste in movies until after I woke them up because they both fell asleep during Ocean's 12. In the theatre. It almost made up for them making me watch the movie with them and not even having the decency to stay awake.
Score = 8
I am so glad this was in the Hunt because it is so awful. This is the one movie that if it someone ever mentions it in a positive light I cannot contain my outrage regardless of who the person might be. It is just so ridiculous. I can just imaging the meeting when they were getting ready to start the script:
Executive 1: "Wouldn't it be awesome if for each of the 50 cars there was a problem than the team of thieves had to over come?"
Screenwriter: " Great idea, like if one car had a giant snake in?"
Executive 2: "Gold, solid gold!"
I really can't believe that your review missed out on the worst part however, when they are just about to go out and start the massive night of car stealing and Nic Cage has to pause and close his eyes and sort of shake his hands in the air before he is ready. Are you kidding me! What was the point of that? Just so stupid. What a train wreck. If I go the rest of my life without seeing this movie again it will be not nearly long enough.
Score = 4
gabe didn't mention the silly shaky hand thing because that's how he prepares to watch these movies.
Score = 23
Gabe: Shucks, time to watch "Honey"...
GAME FACE!
(aww, my first gif. i should get a life.)
Score = 15
I haven't seen the movie, but I would still argue that the stupidest part of this movie was that stealing 50 cars did not go down a la The Sopranos, with a stolen semi that had a trailer full of cars.
Score = 0
Nicolas Cage's face is the William Hurt's shouting of acting.
Can we get Altered States up in this bitch?
I mean, I love that movie dearly, but it's good fodder for this. And maybe the definition of OOPS I GOT AHEAD OF MYSELF THERE.
Score = 3
Hey, I know Gabe could probably do a pretty hilarious job of deconstructing Altered States, but come on.....that's an awesome movie! To have it in the WMOAT Hunt would cheapen the integrity of the Hunt.
Score = 2
It's an awesome, awesome movie. I love it. The material was obviously very dear to the great Paddy Chayefsky. But it is defined by its thwarted ambition. Chayefsky adapts his book -- his book that tackles THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE -- into a script. And he happens to be one of the greatest screenwriters who ever lived. Sounds good!
Oh, but he took his name off the movie. Hated it! And what we're left with is a lot of fast-talking, man ass, and William Hurt's ridiculous performance.
Personally, I adore it for how ridiculous it is. But it's not a good movie; it's not a Bad-On-Purpose movie. It's a Whoops-We-Made-a-Very-Silly-Movie-About-The-Essence-of-Man movie.
Score = 0
THE WOMEN!! plz.
Score = 2
Saw it on HBO this weekend, and it's definitely worthy of the Hunt. I usually love self-referential comedy, but it really got annoying in The Women. "Mom, this isn't some movie from the 1930s." (paraphrasing) Shut up, Meg Ryan, you're ruining a perfectly good comedic device. Also, all The Women in that movie are shrill stereotypes.
I'm, once again, nominating: Catch & Release (that Timothy Olyphant tag will get some more use), and Sahara
Score = 6
Yes on Catch & Release which I also mentioned last week. But again, it still belongs here :).
Score = 1
YES! Horrid film! Nail polish color was a plot point!!!
Score = 1
"If we want to pull this off in one night were going to have to go oll skool!!"
Score = 2
I actually watched this on the last day of Driver's Ed, because there's nothing better than ending 28 hours of watching disgusting grisly auto accidents like two hours of watching Nicolas Cage's attempts at acting, which were just as sickening.
Score = 4
this movie was one of the only movies that my roommate in college owned, so i don't know how many times i've sat through it while sick and/or hungover. "what's more exciting: sex or boosting cars?" "what about sex while boosting cars?" and cue vomit.
Score = 4
I am very very interested in next week's post. I really like most of Haneke's work, but pretty much every aspect of Funny Games oozes horrible Euro-art arrogance. Also, I'm pretty sure it was first nominated in the comments on the Crank post during the discussion of whether it was legitimately possible to intentionally make a horrible film and not have it be viewed as anything more than just a horrible film.
Score = 3
All Nicolas Cage movies are the same, so what makes Gone in Sixty Seconds any worse?
Score = 0
angelina jolie and her rastafarian hairdo.
Score = 7
waitwaitwait no.
he DOES have good movies. leaving las vegas, raising arizona, adaptation, matchstick men, were all awesome. what makes him and guys like robin williams or jim carrey, is that when they make a good movie, it's a GREAT movie; but when they make a bad movie, it's a FUCKING AWFUL movie. and, gawd knows why, they seem to love making bad movies (also, C.R.E.A.M.)
Score = 10
I mostly absolutely agree with you, except Leaving Las Vegas makes me want to beat Nic Cage to death with his Oscar. I may have to do my own Gabe-style review of it somewhere, just to get it out of my system, and I know Gabe's not going to do it.
Score = 1
Speaking of Adaptation, Identity starring John Cusack is the WMOAT. It's basically Charlie Kauffman's twin brother's screenplay.
Score = 2
I'm assuming you have not seen Valley Girl.
Score = 4
I'm going to disagree with your introduction Gabe, there can be good action movies and bad action movies. This is a bad one. Not to keep fucking that chicken, but Crank is a good one. A great one. And I read your WMOAT about it and I disagree with your primary assertion. You didn't get it, even though you thought you did. You just don't like action movies, that's cool. Crankhead 4 lyfe!!1!!1!
Score = 3
i guess you have to define "great"
"Webster's dictionary defines 'great' as 'notably large in size'" - Michael Scott
But seriously, i think i understand what you're saying. I think I understand what you're saying and, let me say, I think you're a brave individual for going out on that 'Cranklimb' (if I may) and stating, "Hey, look, I believe in something. NO. I will not let this stand; I will not abide." And, you know something? I respect that. Nay, REVERE it. Do I agree with you? Not in the least. But... but... do I understand you? You bet your balls I do.
Score = 6
Goin out on a 'crank-limb' is known as doing the stanky leg. Please someone understand this soulja boy inspired double entendre.
Score = 8
I think you should do Local Hero because why should you only have to watch horrible movies?
Score = -2
Master P was GREAT in this movie. Make 'Em Say DUURRR...
Score = 0
This is one of those movies that came out when I was young enough that most of my friends (and me, usually) would like anything we were "supposed" to like. "The car chases are so bad, dude," we would say before 8th grade Life Sciences class started. However, with this one I had to fake it even as an 8th grader. I'm so glad I can make fun of it openly now. Starting with this: Angelina Jolie = white Milli Vanilli. Girl, you know it's true.
Score = 3
That must be why people hated me in middle school. "That movie was awful." I would say. "But the car chases were siiick!" They would yell in my face. "Nic Cage is terrible" I would reply. Then I would go sit by myself somewhere and eat my lunch.
Score = 11
Oh, the loneliness of having standards.
Score = 9
What an awful little sixth grader I was.
Score = 4
We're all the friends you'll need now... (opens arms for hug)
Score = 2
I liked Funny Games. It was obvious and all but I suppose that was the point. Did anyone see Hanake's box of crazy called the piano teacher? God that was all sorts of crazytown. It's like he said "lets make a movie called 'repressed sexual urges from my childhood' but then lets call it something else."
Score = 3
Aside from Isabelle Huppert's ridiculously great performance, I think The Piano Teacher is one of Haneke's weakest movies. Still, aside from the razor/vagina scene (the "slash" is pronounced), I don't see what's so crazy about it. It's just a restrained, tragic character study with no real "holy shit" moments. Again aside from the whole genital mutilation thing*.
I vote for Time of the Wolf as his crowning bag of crazy. I'm pretty sure he actually killed a fucking horse for that one, which on it's own should be cause for revocation of his "creative visionary" license. I don't care if you're Stanley Fucking Kubrick, you do not murder a horse for your "art".
*As long as we're on the subject of genital mutilation, has anyone here seen Von Trier's Antichrist? Good. Fucking. God. I have no idea what I think just yet, but it seems that I'm going to love it once the shock wears off. Chaos reigns, indeed.
Score = 0
Okay, I just checked and Haneke claims that the horse death was FX. If he's telling the truth, that's absolutely incredible.
Score = 0
You had me at "razor/vagina scene."
Score = 2
Yes, Antichrist was amazing. Horrifying and brilliant and violent and sad. I loved the limited dialogue, all her self-hatred ("a crying woman is a scheming woman."). Just yes.
Score = 0
Flashdance. While I actually kind of love this movie, between the idea of Jennifer Beals on a construction crew and the sleazy dance club where no one is expected to strip, I have to admit it's one of the most ridiculous movies ever.
Score = 3
OK, I'm gonna level with you. I came to the page, saw it was Gone in 60 Seconds, and got immediately confused. Surely this movie has been done before? Or am I living a year in the past? I actually had to check my damn calendar on my computer to make sure today was today.
I guess the point is that the Hunt is my constant?
Score = 8
I nominate Wanted. The entire basis for who is chosen to die is based on THE LOOM OF FATE. And also, the fraternity of assassins could not come up with a better name for themselves than "fraternity of assassins." Oh, and rats and peanut butter. Jesus.
Score = 6
I just read that comment again and realized that I said "the entire basis...is based on." I have a PhD. in sentence writing.
Score = 8
Of course there is an entire division of the LAPD devoted to exclusively to pursuing high-end sports car thieves. It's LA! They have celebrities! In 2000 sports car thievery was today's "Let's befriend socialites and washed up actresses, break into their houses and steal their jewelry!"
Score = 2
this movie does certainly suck, but i enjoy it. i think it has something to do with wanting nick cage to be my dad... anyways, Tropic Thunder should be WMOAT'd cause that movie just blue itself.
Score = -8
Uh.. am I parsing this correctly? You enjoy "Gone in 60 Seconds" more than "Tropic Thunder"?
Score = 4
Speaking of Ben Stiller movies, does anyone else remember ENVY, that godawful Stiller-Jack Black movie that was basically a two hour-long poop joke? I remember being really excited to see it when it came out because it was the first movie those guys did after Zoolander and School of Rock, which are both great and hilarious movies. But oh man, what a shitty movie (puns! because of the poop in the movie!)!
Score = 5
It also had a really funny trailer I think. Words can't describe how unfunny that movie was. It was however the movie that I realized Rachel Weisz is exceptionally beautiful, so silver lining.
Score = 0
OH GOD I SAW THIS IN THE THEATER
but the bit about squeeze flan at the end was kinda funny. The rest of the movie was goddamn painful. I was most concerned about their shitty (POW) poop exsplosion effects. Surely Ben Stiller could afford better dooky explosions!
Score = 0
Yes. I have been suggesting this forever. It is a terrible, awful movie, which makes it that much more upsetting that Gabe is so in love with it that he refuses to do it. I hope you will help me impress upon Gabriel that we need that movie reviewed here, because it is so bad. All these other suggestions might as well be Citizen Kane by comparison.
Score = 0
Duh, Best Car Driving Face Actor to Nicolas Cage, plus a Lifetime Achievement in Face Acting Award, and Best Supporting Car Driving Face Actor to Cop #2. That's why they have multiple categories!
(Unrelatedly: I am so glad we can use "duh" without cringing again, I missed it)
Score = 1
I nominate Velvet Goldmine
Score = -7
I categorically denounce this nomination. That movie is awesome!
Here's some proof.
On second thought, Gabe's take on Velvet Goldmine is sure to be hilarious....
Score = 1
PLEASE do the entire suite of Fast and Furious movies.
Score = 0
Wait, I'm too tired to read this closely now, but you don't seem to mention the cocaine on the floor bit. You know, where we're supposed to be tense because there's a big pile of cocaine on the floor, and then the cop comes in? Will he see it? It's right there in a big triangular pile on the floor! Gulp!
And what happens is, Cage has an idea. He gets the cop to sit in the car, and starts encouraging him to press the accelerator. The cop does so, and the exhaust blows away all the cocaine. Problem solved!
This is a REAL SCENE!
Score = 5
thanks for reminding me to update my podcasts. it's been a while since i've had a steady internet connection.
Score = 0
Whoever suggested Antitrust last week was soo right. The plot basically hinges on sesame seeds. And that movie was the first time and last time I have ever thought "This casting director is a complete moron and is terrible at his/her job!" while watching the movie, because the height difference between Tim Robbins and Ryan Philippe is so pronounced it's unreal.
It pretty much looks like this for the entire movie:
Plus it brings the Web 1.0 lolz - sort of like "The Net" if it was not campy-bad just bad-bad and had horrific characters and no hint of suspense. AND THE SESAME SEEDS! It would be a solid entry.
Score = 5
Chocolat!
That movie most definitely deserves to be considered. Twee, insufferable twaddle.
Score = -10
One time I was at the theatre watching some shitty action flick and caught the preview for the movie Next which also stars Nicolas Cage. Before the title of Next was revealed, my brother and I pieced it together that the movie was going to be called Gone in 60 Seconds 2: Fortuneteller. I nominate Gone in 60 Seconds 2: Fortuneteller when it finally gets made.. (which will only be a matter of time)
Score = 1
Burn After Reading. Ugh I hated that movie.
Score = -6
I personally enjoyed it, but I have heard many a mixed review.
Surprisingly, my dad LOVED it, and he works in government. I believe it stems out of the whole, "I know who these archetypes are because I speak to them daily" mindset.
I'm the same way with Art School Confidential, having attended a ridiculous art school.
Score = 0
that movie was ridiculously disappointing.
Score = -2
At one point does my constant nomination for A Walk to Remember get annoying?
But to kick things up a notch BAM (emeril, 2004), how about also the Freddie Prinze Jr. masterpiece: Head Over Heels. I honestly thought a 14 year old won a contest where Freddie Prinze Jr. stars in their fanfic.
Score = 2
Speaking of The Prinze, I nominate Wing Commander. Or maybe She's All That. Summer's Catch? Jesus, there are too many to choose from.
Score = 1
Holy crap, That One, YES! Summer Catch has got to be the worst thing. I had the misfortune of being subjected to this movie endlessly on repeat on a 10-hour overnight bus ride (which subsequently felt like a 14,000-hour bus ride. With Jessica Biel driving. To hell.) and have never been able to tolerate even the mention of Prinze's name...
Mind you, everyone was pretty ridiculous in that movie. I also seem to vaguely remember a scene involving Janeane Garafolo chasing a stripper cop through an airport? Oh, god, Gabe. Do this movie...
Maybe we can also jump on the Jessica Biel tangent (cause there is one of those, you guys) and do Stealth? Or are we done with Action movies now/forever?
Score = 2
I was pretty obsessed with that movie for a while because it kept playing on HBO or whatever, and then it just went away and I kept thinking I dreamt the whole thing. Nope.
Score = 0
No, Bender. More like the spice weasel, 3004. That's where I thought you were going with that and you let me down.
Score = 1
Incredibly good point. I bow my head in shame.
Score = 0
i, too, have a "go baby go" button.
and, yes! it does also results in great nicky cage faces
Score = 2
I have a "please go baby, I just can't be around you right now" button, also a "put baby in the corner" button.
My baby really knows how to push my buttons.
Score = 1
Why are you trying to hurt me, Gabe?
ENVY is the name of the film.
ENVY (2004) starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black.
ENVY. Do it. It gave me a stroke and took my children away. It spread rumours about me around work. Do it do it do it do it.
do. it.
Score = 3
Hey, everyone. It's just little old me, once again nominating Chasing Amy for the hunt. One of the most infuriating things about it is the self-congratulatory reviews, patting themselves on the back for liking this horribly-scripted, horribly-acted, horribly-misogynistic travesty. Here is an example: "... an important movie about young people lost in the Gen-X labyrinth who are giving it a try [and] risking their hearts to find some kind of answer." -Jeffery Overstreet
This piece of shit has a 91% on Rotten Tomatoes, which makes me doubt that it will ever get the WMOAT treatment, but my mama didn't raise no quitter.
Score = 3
Thank you thank you THANK YOU. Horrendous bit of hetero-triumphalist wank.
Score = 0
I really hate this movie- especially the "lowrider" part where they're getting psyched for the big night.
Related story of why I hate this movie: Lived in Spain for a year and would watch spanish TV to bolster my understanding of the language. Passed out during "Sesenta Segundos" and later awoke to "Caligula", completely disheveled and scarred. Thanks, Nic.
Score = 1
Am I crazy or is it time to ban Nic Cage movies from The Hunt?
Score = 1
Absolutely not! I have a feeling that TWMOAT is going to be a Nicolas Cage movie. That guy is just too The Worst.
Score = 0
Funny Games was just awful.
Score = 0
I met a guy who was a successful car thief in Germany. He quit when half of his foot got cut off by a winch. That story was better than this movie. Actually, no. Him TELLING ME that story was better than this movie.
Score = 1
I nominate HIGHER LEARNING until Gabe reviews it, or until this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDF0l0RMw90
is erased from my mind, well.
Score = 0
WOW. That really IS bad! College, just like I imagined it to be...
Score = 0
I'd just like to mention that I actually paid money to see this movie in its theatrical release. At a drive in.
Score = -1
Dear Gabe,
Thanks for writing things that make me (and a lot of people) smile.
Alex
Score = -1
Nic's hands in the air thing was supposed to remind you of ELVIS, as are most of his "performances."
One tiny mitigating factor on this movie's shittiness, is that Angelina at this point in her life was a heroin junkie, and during filming she would nod off. This led to certain scenes being rewritten on the spot, with Nic having to improvises dialogue that explained what was supposed to be a scene between 2 people.
After this film, Angelina had to submit to drug tests and sign a liability clause that if she failed a drugs test she would owe the studio tens of millions of dollar, her fee plus damages etc. (or something). This does not excuse everything, but some, it does excuse.
And again I nominate LIONS FOR LAMBS! Tom Cruise! Robert Redford as an animatronic caricature of his"boyish" self! Bad!
Score = 0
And, to have a tea party with myself, I would like to say that sometimes I think Nic Cage is fantastic. He sure does like to make stupid action movies, but occasionally he's brilliant.
Let the downvotes begin!
But I thought he was great in: Valley Girl, Moonstruck, Red Rock West, Raising Arizona, Peggy Sue Got Married, Honeymoon In Vegas, Wild At Heart, Vampire's Kiss, The Rock, Face/Off, Matchstick Men.
Not saying all of those were great movies by any means, but he was not bad in them, and some, in fact, I thought WERE great. Yes, he needs to learn how to read scripts better, but he's no Robin Williams.
Score = 0
I nominate MOD SQUAD, with Clare Danes, Gio Ribisi, and Omar Epps. Please please please please PLEASE!
Score = 0