The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: The Last Kiss
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
As a 47-year-old man, I now stand with my youth at my back, facing a future of physical decline and increasing irrelevance. THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTONS SHIT. I'm basically writing this from the grave (in heaven, there is free WiFi, and it's fast and reliable). And with all of my age and wisdom, it's funny to think back on angsty people in their early- to mid-20s, who have this weird tendency to talk about how they didn't think they'd live that long. I have known so many people like that. It's such a high school poet sentiment to feel like you're not going to make it to 25. Really it's just a lack of imagination. It's much cooler to picture yourself as some kind of out-of-control celebrity murdered in a fiery wreck, than a slightly less attractive version of yourself living in a shitty apartment and trying to figure out what the fuck you're going to do with the rest of the time before you die. But aging is difficult. Obviously, I could be projecting a little bit here about my own youthful struggles with the passage of time and the approach of adulthood (although I never thought I would die young. I am going to live forever, duh), but I don't think so. There are an awful lot of movies about boys who refuse to grow up, and I didn't write them. Assholes wrote them.
One of those movies is The Last Kiss. And if fucking sucks.
The Last Kiss is about a 29-year-old architect (Zach Braff) who's in a serious relationship with the perfect girl, Jenna (Jacinda Barrett). We know she's the perfect girl because everyone keeps saying it. At the wedding of his best friend's brother, Michael meets a college student, Kim (Rachel Bilson), and strikes up a flirtation with her, because he is having a lot of doubts about commitment and the future. Oh, Jenna is pregnant, btw. Anyway, Zach Braff and his three friends are like a goof troupe of scared little boys daunted by the prospect of turning 30, each of them dealing with it in their own intensely selfish and emotionally retarded way. There's the oversexed party boy who has a different girl every night, the miserable lovelorn sap who got dumped by his high school sweetheart and can't get over it, and Casey Affleck, who is married and has a baby (for a little while but then leaves his wife, because, you know, adulthood). So Zach Braff lies to Jenna and goes to a frat party with Rachel Bilson, because that is every 30-year-old man's dream, to go to a fucking miserable frat party with a girl who is basically a child still, but then he decides that he can't go through with "it" but by this time Jenna has already kind of figured it out, and she kicks him out of the house. Meanwhile, Jenna's parents, Blythe Danner and Tom Wilkinson, have marital troubles of their own, because being white is hard no matter how old you are! Zach Braff decides that the best way to resolve this issue is to go over to Rachel Bilson's dorm room and fuck her, because he's not actually an architect, he's a professional genius. But fucking Rachel Bilson makes him realize how much he loves Jenna (naturally). Even the mix CD that Rachel Bilson makes him (MIX CD!) can't convince him to leave Jenna. He tries to patch things up with her, and it almost works, but then he admits that he did basically go directly over to a DORM as a 30-YEAR-OLD MAN, and fuck another woman while HIS LONGTIME GIRLFRIEND WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD, and she gets so mad. Women! Can't live with them, can't fuck another woman in a dorm room without them getting so mad! It looks like things might finally be over between our generation's Romeo and Juliet, but then what Zach Braff does is sit on the porch for three days, or whatever the magic number of days to make your girlfriend forgive you for sleeping around on her while she was pregnant is, and she lets him in, because actually they're both geniuses.
The chemistry between Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson is just electric!
Ooooh, I just got goosebumps! ON MY FUCKING EYES!
OK, so that's one of the main problems right there. Rachel Bilson is a cute girl and everything, but the lack of romantic chemistry here is just painful. But it isn't her fault. It's Zach Braff's fault. There's no such thing as having chemistry with that guy. If you made a papier-mache volcano for your science fair project and you filled it with vinegar and Zach Braff ( or Zach Braff and anything) you'd get an F. He's inert. (Periodical element ZNG!)
Other case in point, Zach Braff with Jacinda Barrett:
Yikes. The emotional fulcrum of this movie relies on me giving a shit about these two and whether or not they can fix their relationship, but I don't care because there is absolutely no chemistry between the actors and the dialogue was written by an actual moron (Paul Haggis). And the only person less talented than Zach Braff is the girl who leveraged her stint on The Real World into an actual, yet inexplicable, acting career. She doesn't even try to hide her Australian accent. Acting! So whoever was in charge of casting this thing should be given an award. And by "award" I mean "cinder block." And by "given" I mean "have tied to their ankles."
Whoops, I just pushed you into the ocean.
But even if these actors had chemistry together, and they do not have chemistry, any of them, even the guys don't have chemistry together as friends, it wouldn't solve another problem of this movie, which is the complete lack of emotional realism. Case in point: the aforeposted fight scene. If Jenna is really the perfect girl that every man would be lucky to spend the rest of his life with--which we know not due to anything that she actually does, but for the simple fact that it's actual dialogue in this movie, spoken by multiple characters, just in case we didn't get it the first browbeating time--she is pretty fucking quick to fly off the handle and threaten the father of her child and kick him out of the house. I'm not condoning what Zach Braff's stupid, STUPID character did, and we will get to that in a second, but just while we're on the subject of perfect loverz, my dream girl would wait until she had all of the facts before screaming in all of my friends' faces at a wake (oh, prior to that scene, at the first hint of something suspicious, Jenna begins to scream in everyone's face at a wake). Just saying.
Why was Rachel Bilson even at the wedding in the first place? Forget it, Jake, it's StupidMovieTown.
The real crime of this movie, though, was the crime that all boys-will-be-boys movies make, which is attempting to legitimize and celebrate the shitty, adolescent behavior that the asinine screenwriter thinks is so charming and such an inherent part of life, because his head is shoved so far up his own Haggis. So, for example, when Casey Affleck leaves his wife, he is presented as the weary truthteller, who knows it's not working and just wants what's best for the kid, while his two-dimensionally drawn wife is a shrill, overbearing nightmare, despite the fact that she only has two 30-second scenes in the whole movie. When the lovelorn friend who got dumped by his high school sweetheart goes over to his ex-girlfriend's house to plead with her to take him back, he stops first to punch her new boyfriend in the gut, and after she refuses his advances, he punches the new boyfriend in the face. Well, that is assault, and you go to jail for that. It's what assholes do. It's not the aw-shucks behavior of a guy dealing with his messy heart. It's pathological. Fuck him. Fuck all of these stupid guys.
Fuck this guy.
Fuck this guy.
And fuck Casey Affleck.
Movies like this are such hackneyed attempts to pretend that the self-absorbed narcissism of the screenwriter (and probably filmmaker and actors) is a common part of everyday life. "We're all like this, and sometimes it's hard, but that's life," is what this movie says. But that's not true. We're not all boorish adult-sized-teenagers who think that every moment of inept selfishness is an epic drama of humanity. And we don't all think that women are vague, poorly drawn tools to be used in the ALL-IMPORTANT shaping of our MANHOOD. Fuck you, dude. You're making the rest of us look bad. If Zach Braff is the everyman then a gun full of bullets should be the everyman's breakfast.
The fact that Zach Braff is even famous or cast as the romantic lead in the first place is such an ugly nerd's dream of what the world should be like. He's our generation's Woody Allen--minus any of the talent or pedophilia--with beautiful women inexplicably falling at his unattractive-and-an-asshole-to-boot feet. Ugh. And I mean, OF COURSE, Zach Braff's character is an architect. "Frustrated architect" is just screenwriter shorthand for "frustrated screenwriter." Lame.
Paul Haggis, you are officially The Worst Male Screenwriter of All Time. (Don't worry, Diablo, your prize is on the way.) That hunt, at least, is over.
Next week: Dreamcatcher. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven't done so already, please consult the Official Rules.
Posted by Gabe at 5:30 PM in The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Tags: Blythe Danner | Casey Affleck | Jacinda Barrett | Rachel Bilson | The Last Kiss | Tom Wilkinson | Zach Braff
When a Zach Braff movie is too much for even me to get through...then it's probably called "The Last Kiss."
Also, Perfect Stranger with Halle Berry and Bruce Willis (I've probably said this many times before). It is horrendous!
Score = 4
The worst part about this are the people on imdb that defend it. They say things like "Oh, people who don't like it are probably sensitive. It strikes a chord that makes them remember their own painful relationships." Um, NO. People don't like it because it's annoying movie filled with self-indulgent assholes.
Score = 18
FUCKING FINALLY. now all these idiots can shut up about it.
Score = 57
Yeah, this was bad, and ridiculously stupid, and far-fetched. But I still don't think it belongs on here like some others do..I noticed the shittyness in those clips, but it wasn't jaw-droppingly bad. I've come to expect jaw-dropping-bad clips on this hunt, and that one was just "Yikes, poor chemistry, questionable dialogue".
And then you've got "Driven"'s car chase scene. No contest.
Score = 6
The recap (by nature of what it is) leaves out all the back and forth babble filler that Zach Braff and his friends have about how lonely and hard it is to be white with good jobs and nice significant others. It's a big part of what makes this movie insufferable.
Score = 21
You forgot to mention the Coldplay music video that goes on when Zach Braff lies on the porch and is sad
Score = 14
So, we've finally made Gabe watch this movie.
In your face, ex-girlfriends who loved Garden State and made us see this in theaters! Suck it! My frustrations have been cleverly voiced by a snarky blogger whose taste I respect!!! ZING SO MANY ZINGS
Somehow, I thought this moment would be more rewarding. Why don't I feel warm and powerful?
Score = 37
"The real crime of this movie, though, was the crime that all boys-will-be-boys movies make, which is attempting to legitimize and celebrate the shitty, adolescent behavior..."
So true. And the lesson is always that no matter what kind of an asshole you are, you only have to do One Good Thing to completely redeem yourself. See As Good As It Gets, etc.
Score = 22
Also so true. Sadly, another popular option is to shit all over everyone, not give a rat's ass, and still get the reward. READ: Sideways - WMOAT
Score = -2
Please keep crapping on Paul Hackis. He is the worst.
Score = 11
Zach Braff sux
Score = 0
Well done recap for the most horrible, horrible movie. Thanks, Gabe, for taking one for the team.
Score = 5
i'd love to teabag rachel bilson.
Score = 16
"We're not all boorish adult-sized-teenagers who think that every moment of inept selfishness is an epic drama of humanity." Sing it, Brother Gabe! Say what you will about the Apatow gang movies, at least they have a sense of humor about themselves and know that they're giant man-boys. They don't justify their crap behavior with this life-is-so-complicated bullshit. Life is complicated when you make it complicated.
Score = 27
that's something the apatow movies have going for them. the characters are challenged to grow the fuck up and get on with their lives. that's kind of the idea of a narrative arc, right?
Score = 12
I also love........."women are vague, poorly drawn tools to be used in the ALL-IMPORTANT shaping of our MANHOOD". Tell those idiots to shove it Gabe!
Score = 17
Gabe's feminism has given me a serious boner.
Score = 2
Anything with Zack Braff should be considered for this list.
Score = 4
Am I the only person excited to see that Ballistic is finally gonna be on here. It truly is almost bad and terrible and incoherent enough to the point that it's amusing to watch. Then, you watch it, and five minutes in, your head a splode.
Score = 3
I know you didn't include this with Bicentennial Man and Elizabethtown, which suggests it might not be in contention for actual worst movie ever. I wish you'd reconsider. While this movie is not quite as stupid or poorly made as those crapfests, it's actually much more dangerous. It's infuriating because it attempts to woo (and occasionally succeeds in wooing) otherwise intelligent people with its horseshit message about douchebaggery masquerading as "adult emotion."
Zach Braff sleeping on the porch for days is the dark mirror of Lloyd Dobbler holding up the boombox. While the latter was an unquestionable testament to the character's love for his girlfriend, and the viewer hopes that she'll recognize it as such, Braff on the porch is an epic rouse that rings true to no one, and the viewer finds himself cringing, hoping against hope that the girl won't be fooled! The worst part? Tom Wilkinson HELPS BRAFF OUT! He's like "hey, you slept around on my pregnant daughter, I get it. We're all men. Here's a blanket. Camp out for a few days, and she'll get over it. Women!" WORST FATHER EVER. If Braff slept around on my pregnant daughter, I'd probably murder him, maybe by hurling him into that ridiculous "infinite abyss" from Garden State.
In fact, wouldn't it be great if that happened? Like if you took the second half of the movie "In the Bedroom," and just spliced it in with The Last Kiss, right after the dorm scene, and Tom Wilkinson murdered Braff and then went to sleep next to his wife, saving their marriage? That be a fucking brilliant movie.
Score = 47
At last, I finally don't have to nominate the Last Kiss anymore. Thank you, Videogum. Justice prevails.
Score = 0
Periodical element ZNG.
You're a God among men, Gabe. God among MEN.
Score = 6
So, it's time for someone to be that guy. I think Zach Braff is a good actor. Now, I haven't seen Last Kiss and it definitely looks like a shitty movie, but I don't think it invalidates Zach Braff as a decent actor. It's just a shitty movie. He's great in Scrubs. And even though Garden State has some extremely FFFFFUUUUU moments, he's good in that as well.
Score = -6
What do you know about being white, honky?
Score = 6
Def not WMOAT. I was actually able to sit through the clips. Something I found impossible to do with other nominees. Of course I'd watch Rachel Bilson watch paint dry.
Score = 4
you've seen 'jumper' also, eh?
Score = 5
watching jumper is like watching painters painting rachel bilson watching paint dry.
Score = 18
Oh, also I love "If you made a papier-mache volcano for your science fair project and you filled it with vinegar and Zach Braff ( or Zach Braff and anything) you'd get an F. He's inert."
And how lame is it to have a someone put their hand on a person's chest to feel a heartbeat? That's the oldest "touch me" trick in the bag.
Score = 13
At first I was upset you didn't say anything about the "Warning Sign" porch-sitting music video I mean montage, but then I realized, what is there even to say about it, other than UGH. Most times I think you miss a lot of things with your reviews but you really hit the nail on the head with this one. My biggest issue, which you drew out wonderfully, was how literally all of the characters, every single one, was somehow despicable. Like, utterly intolerable. Who am I even supposed to be rooting for? The douchebag? Or his obnoxious girlfriend? Or the annoying attention-whore girl who falls in my age bracket and is clearly marketed for my sympathy? NOPE. I hate everyone. And no one should be surprised about Blythe Danner's role as White Angst Incarnate, after all, just look at her own offspring.
I also saw the Italian one, and Gabe, it is so much worse. The men are even huger d-bags because, I don't know, it's Italian or something. Also, if Zach Braff were in the Italian one, you would not be able to say he was like Woody Allen "without the pedophilia," because the Rachel Bilson in that one was hardcore like 16.
Score = 7
Ugh that second scene is what's wrong with relationships. Just screaming fuck at each other and running trees over with your car. That's why I'm a confirmed bachelor. That and my morbid obesity.
Score = 29
I love that Black Dahlia gif because it looks like someone throws a tomato behind her head right before she pulls the trigger.
Score = 7
Mixtapes. I want to say something about them but itsworstness is so vast an all- encompassing its hard to pin down. I've been writing this comment for longer than I care to admit but... mixtapes.
Score = 2
Worst is a strong word, Gabe. Haggis can be bad, but he can also be good (i.e. writing the screenplay for Casino Royale and Million Dollar Baby). Still, Last Kiss is bullshit.
Score = -1
Million Dollar Baby is also bullshit. Just because a coupla Oscar-baiters are in it don't make it good.
Score = 11
Second that. Million Dollar Baby is one of the most predictable movies ever.
I still to this day can't figure out why it won so many Oscars. BO-RING.
Score = 2
I find it hard to believe that Zach Braff actually out did Garden State cause that movie is all sorts of awful.
By the way What the Bleep Do We Know? needs to be on this list. Trust me that thing (I have a hard time calling it a movie) is as bad as it gets.
Score = 4
What the bleep was great! Marlee Matlin screaming at herself in the mirror? Totes hilar!
Score = 0
I can see a lot of people seeing the clips from this review and not getting the full impact of the Last Kiss and be left wondering why some people made such a big fuss about it the last few weeks. Whether or not you are a Scrubs fan, Rachel Bilson fan and/or Paul Haggis fan, please watch this movie. WIthin ten minutes, you will get it. The Last Kiss definitely deserved to be nominated for the Worst Movie of All Time.
Score = 0
Here, feel my heart which is located right underneath my girl breasts (even though I just asked if you had a girlfriend and you said yes), it's beating so fast because now in these modern days things move so fast unlike when we used to have to run after/from fucking tigers and each other and during wars because this modern life is SO FAST and crazy even sitting in a tree house at a fucking party flirting. If you don't stop to breathe, you'll die.
I stopped breathing at "do you mind if I...?"
Score = 17
Is that NSFW pic (thanks for the heads up Gabe) actually in the movie, cause if so I'm glad that they got something right. I always like to lay in an awkward position with my feet strategically placed over my lover's genitals after sex.
Score = 9
No no, that is during a montage of that guy having sex. Like, that is sex.
WORST.
Score = 2
The scene I hate most in this movie (can I even choose?) is when Wilkinson and Braff are having their heart-to-heart, and Wilkinson reveals that he's never cheated in his marriage, and Braff gets this look of unbelieving awe on his face and is all "What. . .NEVER?" Like every guy in the world is a douche and has cheated, and it's accepted guy code that of COURSE you have, and revealing that you've actually remained faithful in your marriage is some huge revelation. FUCK YOU, Haggis.
Score = 29
How about "The Loss of Sexual Innocence," director Mike Figgis's followup to "Leaving Las Vegas'? You might think that the fact that it's called "The Loss of Sexual Innocence" would be among the worst of its problems. You would be wrong.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126859/
Score = 0
Please don't confuse *Haggis* with *Figgis*.
One is Scottish sheep intestine, the other is made into a Newton (and not a cookie).
To make this constructive, I just watched Back to the Future II again... TWMOAT.
Score = -4
how the hell did tom wilkinson agree to be in this movie?
and someone needs to figure out what's up with casey affleck. on the one hand, so much more likeable/talented than his brother, on the other complicit in whatever joaquin's doing right now.
you should do that one with adam brody and meg ryan next just to keep the badish movies about the sad hard lives of white people and their infidelities staring the oc alums going. also, isn't kristen stewart in that or something? timely topics! or maybe you did that one already.
Score = 6
In the Land of Women is what you're thinking of. And yes. It's terrible. My friend who was obsessed with Adam Brody made a bunch of us watch it. I left after about half an hour.
Score = 2
What also sux about this movie is when she makes Zach Braff sit on the front porch and instead of making his ass suffer she actually makes him a sandwich and brings it to him. What?! All these years women fight to be antiquated and then she does that after the asshole cheats on her. I would've made his ass go to a soup kitchen if he was hungry and yes why did her dad drive by to check on him?
Score = -1
wait, we were fighting to be "antiquated"? oh. i better get on that. feminists, ur doin it wrong.
Score = 11
Hey asshole wanna stick to the movie instead of picking on certain people because your mentality is 'fuck women?' Obviously you have the same mentality as these man child doucebags.
Score = -3
He wasn't picking on you because you're a woman. He was picking on you because you're dumb. Antiquated? Really?
Score = 6
haha --also, I'm a woman (hence the "WE" in my comment) who knows and applauds that women have been fighting for equality/respect/reproductive rights/employment opportunities/equal work for equal pay/you name it for literally centuries, but never, never fought to be "outmoded. out of fashion, useless" (the fucking DEFINITION of ANTIQUATED).
you're silly. and dumb.
Score = 7
This movie reminded me of American Pie if it wasn't (trying to be) funny.
Score = 0
Still nominating Beloved!
I don't know what to say about this movie. I mean I heard it's bad, I read it's bad, from that awkward sex pic...it looks bad. All I see is a world of bad.
Score = 0
Not that I am defending this movie, and certainly not that I am defending Paul Haggis--they are both THE WORST--but I've heard that the Italian film this movie is based on is not so bad (at least not TWMOAT bad). Then again, maybe I'm just more accepting of boorish cheating pig behavior from Italian men. After all, it's-a Top Asshole, not-a Top Scallop, right? I mean, that's what Fabio would say.
Score = 3
I know something that has vinegar in it that reminds me strongly of Zach Braff.
It's called a douchebag.
Funny how you've all seen this movie. I think the Lords of Kobol I have not.
Prius aciton scene, most bourgeois bullshit ever. If only he had, like, Snow Patrol playing in his car during that scene.
Also, did you ever hear the story about Paul Haggis flying in a private jet up to Montreal in an effort to impress Arcade Fire? Dude thought he could zap them with Thetans or some shit.
Score = 1
I can't help but read your comments really slow and retarded-like, Steve Janowski.
Score = 9
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY? WELL THAT'S JUST SHIT BUSINESS! You'll get no attention from Kenny Powers with that kind of attitude!
Score = 0
Ghost Rider!
Nicolas Cage! But the movie only comes truly alive when he does the voice of a photographically real skeleton on fire wearing a biker jacket. Then he has a wig. And Nicolas Cage tries to play 20 years old. And then there's this part where Ghost Rider declares a young black kid innocent in prison. But doesn't do anything to help him. He just points at him and hisses "innocent".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9SBx-nhKZs
Score = 2
I love any move where Nicolas Cage gets locked up in prison.
Which reminds me,
Face/Off!
Score = 3
"The audience may not have remembered what happened 12 minutes ago in this movie, we'd better do another recap."
"Let's have Sam Elliott be an awesome old-timey Ghost Rider who turns all badass and rides with Nic Cage to the final showdown... only to bail once they get there!"
Score = 2
um.. wasn't this based on an italian film? l'ultimo bacci or some such? so haggis adapted rather than wrote it.
Score = -1
That's still writing. When people adapt, they write. It's not like someone just translated the Italian screenplay into English and called it The Last Kiss.
Score = 1
oh beg my pardon mr semantic. but seeing as gabe's examples of poor writing are taken from the situations and the story rather than any rhetoricla flourish per se then isn't he really criticizing the original creator of those situations? that being my point..
also nowhere was it even mentioned that this was a remake..
Score = 0
I totally agree with everything you've said about this movie Gabe, it's awful. I'm a bit ashamed to say I saw it in theatres, but hey, you don't know it's awfulness until you've seen it... hindsight and all that. Anyway, I thought it would at least be kinda cool to see a movie set in Madison, but turned out there's about 3 minutes of actual on-location shots... worse yet, I think one of the characters worked at a cheese factory! Cause that's what we do here in wisconsin, ya know, cause there's a lot of cows and cheese...so naturally, cheese factory....Oh, and then the other man child, who was content to spend his life ice fishing on lake mendota?? (ok, so that last one is probably a little more believable--people love their ice fishing here)....but still, fuck off haggis, you unoriginal jerk. It's hard enough being white in the midwest OK, we don't need to be stereotyped as ice-fishing-cheese-making assholes!
Score = 3
i had to turn the tv off about 40 minutes into this movie. i couldn't take another solitary second. and it wasn't even funny bad, eiher; it was horrible, cringe-inducing, leaves-the-taste-of-shit-on-your-tongue bad.
really a flaming heap of garbage. anyone who paid money to see this tripe should be forced to rub pinecones in their eyes, because that's the sort of pain i have to endure every day knowing that i live in a world where there are morons who would fiscally support this bullshit.
Score = -1
Featured track of the Last Kiss soundtrack:
The Gentile Blues by Coldplay
Score = 3
Don't be so quick to give the Worst Female Screenwriter Award to Diablo. Nancy Meyers has been sucking worse and for much longer. The combined awfulness of Something's Gotta Give (my personal WMOAT) and The Holiday demolishes the faults of Juno.
Score = 4
something's gotta give = the worst.
Score = 1
I live for Tuesday mornings now...
I'd also like to renominate Mission to Mars, and, since Gabe is so fond of movies about despicable people, Closer. Also, perhaps, The Wedding Crashers.
Score = 3
I wholeheartedly second Closer, pretentious piece of shit that it was.
Score = 3
'the last kiss' is a top shelf choice. it was awful. every part of it is awful. i hated it with a passion. between 'the last kiss' and 'rumor has it' i am pretty much set at #1 and #2 on my personal list of movie hate.
* 'ps - i love you' was also absolute garbage
Score = 0
Ugh and that bird's eye shot on the bearskin rug, THANKS I am never having sex again. ::shudder:: eeeech.
Score = 0
your synopsis and review of the movie reminds me of those movies like "Knocked Up" and "40 year old virgin" I guess they fall in the "last kiss" category?
bad bad movies.
Score = -5
please do SMOKING ACES or LORD OF WAR. none of them I could watch to the end.
Score = 0
I don't think they were trying to portray how hard it was being middle class and white. Don't know why you even brought that up. Would have been a much better movie had they been a poor minority? Confused on why white people can't have relationship issues.
And then you go and make fun of their situations for some reason. Married guys never have second thoughts and try to cheat. Being old and married is the easiest thing in the world! No problems there. Getting tired of the wife and child situation? Can't see why that'd be a problem! Never heard of someone getting worn down by children~
And you think these situations are uncommon? Wow, good luck with that.
Score = -8
This was definitely worth the wait! Bravo, Gabe!
Next pet nomination project: Australia. Saw it on a plane yesterday, and it was just so unbelievably goddamn BAD. Really bad. Hugh Jackman doesn't even pee himself.
Score = 2
Please take a look at "Hitman" it is truly the worst movie I've ever seen. I saw it at the theaters with my friends. They loved it. Needless to say I have not seen them since. It's that bad. Watching this movie is like watching two fat old people having sex on top of a mountain of decaying baby corpses.
Score = 1
Please take a look at "Hitman" it is truly the worst movie I've ever seen. I saw it at the theaters with my friends. They loved it. Needless to say I have not seen them since. It's that bad. Watching this movie is like watching two fat old people having sex on top of a mountain of decaying baby corpses.
Score = -1
I think we can all agree that Haggis really took the shit big time on this one, but I'm hard-pressed to flush all the other stuff he's written.
Score = -1
Gabe, I'm really happy that you shed some light on how horrible Paul Haggis is as a screenwriter.
Score = 0
The movie that will make you swear off of sex:: Color of Night (1994)
Lots of stars in this one, which just makes it worse. When Ruben Blades laughs at everyone's stupidity, it's not acting -- he just realized that all of their careers are all going down in flames.
This was probably meant to be some kind of Basic Instinct II, but it's really Sliver II. Or maybe even Sliver III, Jade vs. Nomi
Score = 3
I accidentally clicked the down arrow (sorry). But yeah, this movie is terrible. I saw it when I was eleven at a friend's house, and even then I knew it was a contender for WMOAT.
Score = 0
I nominate Marie Antoinette. It is terrible.
Score = -1
May I suggest "How to Deal," please? And what about Gardenstate, have you guys done that one?
Score = 2
Garden State is good, as is Juno. I still like Crash. Sometimes I feel not cool enough for this site.
However, even when I don't agree with your overall assessment (not the case here,this movie blows) I always enjoy your recap.
Score = 0
While I will agree this isn't a very good movie, I'd advise you to sit through a little ditty called Ax' Em before you critique movies that actually aren't that bad like a lot of the movies on your list. But I bet you don't have the balls.
Score = 0
oh, come on. While this movie was complete shit, Paul haggis is a very talented writer with his share of disappointments. But he's created brilliant movies like Crash and In the Valley of Ellah. Plus, he brought back Bond and made him bang way more classier chicks.
Score = -2
Posted by Gabe on March 23, 2009:
"Next week: Dreamcatcher. "
Gabe - your are trouble for reals. Since Lindsay already posted Friday Night Fights, we will now have gone TWO WHOLE WEEKS with no Worst Movie of All Time. I hate you so much you right now. Aaaaghhhhh!
Score = 1
I've seen so many awful films I don't know where to start. The Family Stone is so bad it hurts, First Knight is the only movie I ever walked out of, every movie Anthony Hopkins has been in for the last ten or so years has been diabolical, Bridget Jones' Diary made me so angry I threw a plate at my TV...
my money has to be on Ocean's Twelve though. The only movie I've ever seen that seemed to be deliberately insulting my intelligence. The whole plot hinged on the 'hilarious' twist that the Julia Roberts character was a dead ringer for the actress Julia Roberts. What the fuck? Nobody ever mentions that Danny Ocean is a dead ringer for George Fucking Clooney or that Brad Pitt looks like that fucking Benjamin Button asshole. Wouldn't they all notice that they all look like fucking movie stars? Steven Soderbergh might as well have appeared on screen and called me, personally, by name, a prick as have me attempt to buy that baaloney. Not to mention that the surrounding movie is tedious, smug as hell dog shit from start to finish. Needless to say i never saw Ocean's 13. It could well be worse.
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Thanks Gabe, that was worth the wait!
xo
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I would like to submit the movie Blindness for the “hunt.” It meets all of the standards as far as rules go, and it really is the worst movie ever. It’ll be hell to watch, however I have a strong feeling that Gabe would have fun with the review. Thank you for your time.
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SIDEWAYS please. It's painfully awful and the bit where he's talking to the "love interest" woman about wine BUT IS ACTUALLY TOTALLY TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF (metaphors!) is the worst thing ever. It only got good reviews because middle aged critics saw themselves in it.
Score = -1
THE original italian movie is a masterpiece, you should watch that. As always when Hollywood attempts to culturally translate great foreign movies, it ends up disgracing their name to farcical lows. I mean it's what happened when Madonna remade Wertmuller's "Under the sun......", translated and mangled into Cast Away, or something like that. What can one say? DEprive the movie of its social context and director's blissful mastery of cinema, what is left? An empty vessel, a stinky eggshell that nobody wants.
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Can we all agree Zach Braff is a young, hipster version of Ray Romano?
Score = -2
FACT: Paul Haggis co-created "Walker, Texas Ranger".
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I was about to rent this a few days ago; it sounds effing horrific, which kind of makes me want to see it even more.
And can someone please tell me where the Gabe-esque boys are?!!
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not sure if you've already reviewed it, but i submit the movie "frida" (where salma hayek is supposed to be frida kahlo just because she has a unibrow) for twmoat consideration.
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Yeah, Paul Haggis is definitely the worst.
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