The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: S1M0NE
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
Do you realize how many people it takes to make a movie? It is so many people. A Hollywood movie with major (or even minor) stars has tens, literally tens, of people working on it at any given time. That's one of the reasons that, for example, Christian Bale's Batman voice is so shocking in how stupid and hilarious it is in an otherwise very compelling and relatively serious and dark movie. Like, no one on the set for even one second said "Hey, you know what, let's not do it that way?" Or even just "Hey, you know what, Chriss B., you're a genius, I love you, babe," because that's how Hollywood says stuff, "but how about doing ONE TAKE where you don't use that silly annoying voice. Just one take and then you can take a cocaine break in your trailer." How did that not happen? Doesn't it take a village?
And that example is just one tiny but obvious detail in an otherwise more-than-acceptable-and-actually-just-genuinely-great movie. So how is it that an accumulation of obvious epic FAILS like Simone even gets made in the first place? No one involved with this movie for even one second thought "You know what, why don't we not do this?" No? OK.
Simone is about a washed-up art house movie director, Viktor Tarkovsky Taransky (Al Pacino), who's just lost the lead actress on his latest film and is fired by the studio. That night, as he's packing film canisters into the trunk of his car, because Hollywood, a madman with an eyepatch says that he has an invention that can save Al Pacino's career but that he's going to die in a week and Al Pacino is like "bye," and drives away. Later, he receives a package, left to him in the crazy man's will. It is a disk drive. Even though Al Pacino has already claimed to not be good at computers, he luckily manages to install a dedicated external drive into his home PC (beginner's luck, probably) and use the dead man's computer program to make his entire movie with a CGI fake person. Simone becomes an overnight global sensation, even though she is not real, no one has met her, she's in an art house movie that the studio didn't want anything to do with, and also she's not real. Al Pacino keeps making movies with her, even though "the lie" is killing him, and Simone gets more and more famous. Finally, unable to take it anymore, for some reason, because what's the big deal, Al Pacino "kills" Simone by inserting a floppy disk marked "virus" into his computer, and then throwing a trunk full of computer stuff off his yacht into the ocean. Al Pacino organizes a press conference at the movie studio where he tells everyone that Simone has died due to a rare virus, because that's how death works, someone holds a press conference the end. There's a funeral for Simone and then...well, actually I don't know.
You see, the DVD from Netflix was broken, and the last 20 minutes of the movie are unplayable. My theory is that Simone is so bad no one has ever made it all the way through to even know that the DVD is broken, and thus it was never reported to Netflix. According to Wikipedia, Al Pacino goes to jail for murdering this woman that no one has ever met and for which there is no body, because that's how police work happens, and he is exonerated when his daughter, Evan Rachel Wood, and ex-wife Catherine Keener, discover the "virus" floppy disk in the computer and use it, just the two of them, to unerase a highly-complicated computer program and prove that Simone was just CGI, and then Simone is famous again, because basically this movie is a manual to how everything in the world is done.
For example, when you use an unrealistic CGI computer program to create a non-existent actress to star in your movies, it also turns you into a schizophrenic computer genius who has to have conversations with yourself all the time because art.
Sure. That's believable. It's certainly as believable as the idea that all someone needs is to receive the hard drive of a computer program to be able to seamlessly insert CGI into a feature length movie all alone without the help of any technicians and that the entire process can be performed by a single Dell PC bought from CompuServe.
Simone is a farce. It's not supposed to be taken as entirely realistic. It's an exaggerated interpretation of reality to make a point. The problem, though, is that for a farce to work, your audience needs to be receptive to the point you're making. At the beginning of the movie, Al Pacino lays out the political philosophy behind what's going to happen next: that actors and actresses are spoiled narcissists who put their own fame above "the work," and how wonderful it would be to find a way to get back to art and away from the pettiness of over-indulged millionaires. Sure, except not really. No one actually cares about that. Not to mention the fact that he gives this speech on a studio lot? So we're supposed to sympathize with the poor studios who are being bullied by the mean actors? It's a classic example of Hollywood forgetting that not everyone lives in Hollywood and thinks that what happens in Hollywood is actually important, because they're right, it's not.
Similarly, when we see Al Pacino down on his luck, he's sitting in the bay window of his house on a private beach in Malibu. Oh, BOO HOO.
Someone should CGI a firebomb through his window.
The other premise of the farce that doesn't work is its interpretation of the culture's obsession with fame. The rise in celebrity gossip magazines and blogs and TV shows over the past decade is directly tied into the humanization of celebrities, not their mystique. That's why we're bombarded with photos of people in sweatpants having Starbucks-fueled tantrums. There's no such thing as a famous movie star who is a complete unknown and shuns the spotlight. And even if there was, shit like THIS would never happen:
What is that? That is one of the dumbest scenes I have ever seen in a movie. Ever. It makes my brain cry.
Of course, the whole "Al Pacino isn't good at computers but still manages to actually be the most incredible computer genius ever it turns out" is patently ridiculous and barely even demands discussion. Except that as soon as you start thinking about it at all, the whole movie comes unraveling in unexpected ways. Like, if no one has every seen Simone, and if Al Pacino programs her into all his movies, and reads her lines, then that also means that he's responsible for everything that Simone does. i.e. Al Pacino is responsible for sending out headshots and delivering the creative content for billboards and magazine covers.
(That last one is from the scene in which Simone ties herself for the Best Actress Academy Award, and they decide to just go ahead and give her both.) This detail is stupid and unrealistic, sure, but actually infuriating to think about when, for example, Simone releases an album.
So he designed the cover of the album and arranged all the music and sang the songs and set up a distribution deal and signed all the paperwork?
At one point, an investigative gossip journalist who's trying to uncover the truth about Simone says "I know you have power of attorney," SO I GUESS THAT ANSWERS ALL OF THE COMPLICATED QUESTIONS. Oh, he has power of attorney. No more loopholes!
Perhaps the most offensive thing about the movie is not how stupid it is, but how stupid it assumes we are. Like, if you'll recall in the first clip, the computer program is originally called Simulation One. DO YOU ALREADY GET IT? Because you should already get it, and no offense but that doesn't make you a genius. But then they actually have to SHOW US that Al Pacino deletes the "-ulation" to make the computer program be Simone. He just blew my mind. Wait, no, I just blew my mind. With a bullet. From a gun. Because I killed myself. Later, Al Pacino "checks" Simone into a hotel and does a weird Home Alone shadow play in a wig to prove to people that Simone is real, but first he goes to the front desk and says that he needs to check in a famous actress who demands privacy named "Enomis." Ugh. Whatever. That would be stupid, but it's actually insulting when the desk clerk HOLDS THE REGISTRATION CARD UP TO THE MIRROR TO FIGURE IT OUT.
There is some small comfort in the fact that at least America wasn't buying what Simone was selling (which is suicidez). Although, the movie has enjoyed a surprising, and I'm sure hugely financially successful, post-theatrical release life. From Wikipedia:
The movie was also a financial failure. Opening weekend saw poor sales of $3.8 million from nearly 2,000 theaters. S1m0ne ended up with $19,576,023 worldwide, which was among Al Pacino's lowest grossing movies. However, the movie later generated income from DVDs and performances on in-bus movie sessions, such as by Adirondack Trailway busses in May 2008.
LOLOLOLOL. Such as by Adirondak Trailway busses in May 2008. Obviously, there are a ton of other sources of in-bus movie session revenue that we don't even have time to go into, that's just one example. There is some mad in-bus movie session money coming in right now.
Oh, wait.
Jay Mohr was in it. That explains everything. Nevermind.
Next week: What Dreams May Come. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven't done so already, please consult the Official Rules.
Posted by Gabe at 5:30 PM in The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Tags: Al Pacino | Catherine Keener | Evan Rachel Wood | Simone
Jay Mohr looks like a partially aborted fetus
Score = 9
Ugh. Somewhere Tarkovsky is inserting a virus diskette into his Solaris drive in his grave.
Score = 0
Actually, the character's name was Taransky. I must have gotten my lazy-Hollywood-cliches-about-art-house-directors confused.
Score = 1
I think we've found a movie-killing strain in Jay Mohr that is as deadly/deadlier than Robin Williams.
Also, please hear my plea for "Death Proof", "Once Upon A Time In Mexico", or any & all Kevin Smith & Robert Rodriguez movies that fit the criteria.
Score = -3
Death Proof falls under the "intentionally bad/cheesy" category and is not really eligible.
Score = 9
I have been ready to write Kevin Smith off as much as the biggest hater but Zach and Miri Make a Porno is actually really funny. Sure it's got a sappy happy ending but I laughed hard in several places. Most everything Smith has done can easily be torn down but he may have found his stride with this one.
Score = 4
I think he may have found Judd Apatow's stride.
Score = 5
Can I suggest Burn After Reading for this column? Just saw it last night, this is the type of bad movie actually worth getting angry over. A ginormous budget with fantastic actors and filmmakers who know how to make amazing films, all wasted on an insultingly insipid joke on the viewer. The Coen Bros. think we are dumb, sometimes that works (See: Lebowski, Big), but in this instance its just infuriating
Score = -13
Seconded!
Score = -10
Uh, I thought burn after reading was flush with genius and awesome. A little dry, perhaps. Also, I think it falls squarely in the intentionally ridiculous category.
I unsecond this suggestion.
Score = 14
Third!
Score = -2
Unthirded! Anyone who didn't like Burn After Reading fails at having an awesome sense of humor.
Score = 7
What Dreams May Come! Man, I feel like you guys are trying to make Cuba Gooding Jr. kill himself. I'm ok with it, just sayin'.
Nominated: The Last Kiss. Really.
Score = 0
I second (or third, or whatever) The Last Kiss.
Score = 1
Fourthed
Score = 0
Are we witnessing inter-gum politics?
Score = 2
Eight thousandthd
but BOO on the nomination for burn after reading. if you think that qualifies, you clearly have never seen "because i said so"
Score = 4
Last Kiss IS the worst, so you must include it.
Score = 0
Why was Ernest Borgnine in the famous-lady-celebrity matrix in the first clip? Was Al Pacino trying to make Simone into more of a lovable old Grandpa?
Score = 8
Before I even say anything: THE LAST KISS THE LAST KISS THE LAST KISS THE LAST KISS THE LAST KISS.
Let me preface this by saying that I haven't seen "Simone" and I'm just going off of Wikipedia and your review. I mean, I can understand why this film was unsuccessful, one big reason being that it appears to do the classic 20th/21st century twist on an old tale, which, it seems to me, is Pygmalion. Except instead of the creator falling in love with the creation, the mass media and public do. The fact that the latter is unreal emphasizes the artifice of the former, insert comment on media-obsessed world, the society of the spectacle, the image of celebrity in postmodern society, I went to college, blah blah blah.
I say that the twist-on-a-classic-story thing is a reason it's so bad simply because DOING THAT NEVER EVER WORKS. EVER. That said, I legitimately think the premise behind this movie is valid and interesting, but the execution was obviously shit. I can tell as much just from the clips you posted and your review.
But I must ask, what is with the running motif of reviewing movies about anthropomorphic robots of The Future? Couldn't you just do one or two and let those stand for all of them?
Score = 5
In the first clip, when Simone does that Audrey Hepburn "How do I look?" line, her face when she finally does it is mostly obscured by Al Pacino's head! It's like the river-raft rescue scene in Wet Hot American Summer where Jo Lo Truglio is like "He's doing it! He's actually doing it!" but they never show the rescue, except that was on purpose to make fun of bad movies, and this was real.
Score = 3
THIS IS THE ONLY MOVIE I HAVE EVER WALKED OUT OF!
i totally forgot about it!!!!
repressed memory?!?!?!
Score = 2
brandon flowers was in movies back then? cuz that's totally him in in the third pic from the top in the big column of pictures.
Score = -1
i remember, after seeing this movie in my private beach house, i went out on my yacht and threw it overboard.
Score = 4
The Brothers Grimm
Score = 4
I would say, "It can't be the worst movie ever, I loved that movie," but I think it has been scientifically proven that I love some movies which are Not Very Good. Maybe even Very Not Good. Such as League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which should probably be on the hunt list. (seriously, Dorian, you keep the big painting you can't look at on your staircase? Where you can see it every time you go up or down the stairs?)
Score = 1
Secondeded!
Score = 0
I have seen Simone and OHMIGOD MY EYES! This is the sort of movie that makes you want to cry and then go kill actors like Al Pacino in his prime to save his dignity from appearing in such schlock. (seriously, does he have some contractual obligation to be in x proportion of awful: awesome movies or something?)
How (HOW? HOW!?) did this movie get made? In addition to being total and utter tripe, it also sends a lovely message to actresses everywhere--you will be replaced by tepid cgi vixens who male director producers can program in some creepy Stepford way until some point when they are no longer useful and are summarily discarded off the side of their boat.
I forgot about how horribly awful this movie is. Thank you for dredging up these painful memories.
Next week should be equally bad. What dreams may come.. I saw that horrificness too. I think if you were really loaded, it might be passable. It is like a abcfamily does The Fountain kind of thing. But, no altered state could make Simone watchable.
This really has become a sissyphean journey. my condolences.
Score = 4
Stepped into a new dimension with Simone?
Perhaps stepped into the SPACES BETWEEN SPACES?
How was he ever the Al Pacino in The Godfather?
Score = 4
"The problem, though, is that for a farce to work, your audience needs to be receptive to the point your making."Ahem..... cough, cough, Looking directly at you, Joaquin Phoenix.
Score = 7
Death Proof and Burn After Reading are decent movies. Do you know what is not a decent movie and is also the worst? RULES OF ATTRACTION. I think Gabe would have an amazing time dissecting this awfulness.
Score = 5
Is this the movie that begins with the played-for-laughs anal date-rape of Shannon Sossamen and is videotaped by her friend, an "aspiring" filmmaker student? If it is, that director should be in jail. Not director's jail, but real jail.
Score = 4
Actually, the director Roger Avary was in a car crash that killed his passenger and seriously injured his wife. He's been charged with gross vehicular manslaughter and causing bodily injury while intoxicated... so you might get your wish!
Score = 2
Yeah, but it's based on work by Bret Easton Ellis, so = intentionally ridiculous.
Score = 0
RULES OF ATTRACTION is truly an awful awful movie. However, it cannot be nominated for worst movie of all time because the DVD release includes a commentary by Carrot Top in which he makes fun of the entire movie as you watch it. It is the only funny thing he may have ever done, but funny it is.
Also, that takes a lot of chutzpah, including an audio commentary by a washed up comic in which he totally lambasts the film the commentary is attached to. In a word, awesome.
Score = 0
"You see, the DVD from Netflix was broken, and the last 20 minutes of the movie are unplayable. My theory is that Simone is so bad no one has ever made it all the way through to even know that the DVD is broken, and thus it was never reported to Netflix."
Haha!
I don't know if it's at all possible that we may have ended up with the same one, but my copy wouldn't play all the way through either. I saw it as a blessing and never reported it.
Jail's too good for Andrew Niccol, he deserves Gitmo for this.
Score = 1
I'll throw my vote in for:
Last Kiss
Garden State
M. Night Shyamalan's Signs, The Village, The Happening
and
Running with Scissors - seriously, if the search wasn't over with Across the Universe or Family Stone, it'll be over with this one.
Actually, I pity poor Gabe working his way through these, I want him to be able to move on to 'The Hunt for the Worst Album/Song of All Time' and 'The Hunt for the Worst TV Show of All Time' without the sweet relief of seppuku bearing down on him.
Score = 5
Moulin Rouge. Moulin Rouge. A thousand times Moulin Rouge. It blows.
Score = -8
no.
Score = 0
Thanks for getting around to Simone. I saw this in the theater when it came out for a reason I don't remember, and my friend wanted to leave after seeing 30 minutes of it. I demanded that we stay to more fairly judge it... It remains the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater, though, The Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Darkness Falls, and Hook nearly steal that distinction. My friend is still sort of mad at me about that.
Score = 1
Aww, come on, Hook was great! Weren't you ever twelve?
RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O!
Score = 18
I agree! This blind prejudice against Robin Williams has gone too far!
Score = 9
well, you do see some crappy movies in thaters, my friend...
Score = 2
Yeah after reading what I wrote I had to go take a walk, do some thinking... At least I only see good stuff now, like Underworld: Rise of the Lycans!
Score = 1
Love the Coens, but if any of their flicks was going to get picked it would easily be either Intolerable Cruelty or Ladykillers. Even their die-hard fans would agree those were huge disappointments.
Score = 2
Agreed. I forgot how mind-blowing AWFUL Intolerable Cruelty was. Truly intolerable, that was.
Score = -1
THE LAST KISS. You subjected me the that big kid making love to a body pillow, so I DESERVE THIS.
Score = 1
I still nominate Margot at the Wedding. It's right up your alley. Educated white upper class angst.
Score = 1
I'll take your Margot at the Wedding and raise you Rachael Getting Married. Bill Irwin was great... but the movie's unbearable.
Score = -1
agreed on rachel getting married. self-indulgent hipster bullshit trying to appear profound.
Score = 2
You should do Wanted. Worst movie ever! I would have walked out, but my brain had shut down in an attempt to save itself.
Score = 2
the last kiss was pretty bad...
Score = 3
nah, i liked rachel getting married a lot.
i even liked the squid and the whale
but margot at the wedding is complete trash. you will roll your eyes so many times when you are watching it, they'll become like cookie monster's
Score = 4
Yay! do margot at the wedding!
Score = 0
What Dreams May Come? I love that movie. :( I loved I Am Sam, too, except these reviews are hilarious, so bring 'em on. Better if they're movies I've seen!
You know what movie was breathtakingly horrible? Philadelphia. And Castaway. The only good thing in that movie was the soccer ball, and he didn't talk. And either of the Jody Foster movies "Nell" or "Anna and the King". How many times can one fill up the entire movie screen with one's face for such long periods of time, vaguely changing expressions while people squirm in their seats for ten minutes? Ugh.
So any of those are stunningly bad, but might not make for great comedic reviews. Unless you're really good, and hopefully you are. There was one horrible movie called "Cathy's Curse" that is totally worth watching - it's so horrible that it's hilarious. And you will have plenty to write about with that one, honest. But not many people have probably heard of it. It's from the 70s.
Score = -8
Wilson was, in fact, a volleyball. Movie Nerd AWAY!
Score = 4
Oh, I forgot - Bicentennial Man was one of the worst movies of all time, for sure. Hideous.
Score = 1
I still want to see you do Judge Dredd. It's such a perfect example of crappy mid-90s action movies and It not only has Sylvester Stallone, but Rob Schneider as well. ROB EFFING SCHNEIDER!!! It also plays the "aging, but respected classically trained actor" card with Max Von Sydow. Jesus Christ! Why the fuck is Max Von Sydow in this flaming pile of dog crap!
Score = 1
I don't know if this movie was intentionally bad, but Prom Night was really, really bad.
Score = -1
I have no idea why, but I saw this in the movie theaters and I still hate myself/Al Pacino/computers because of that fact. I did not see the last 20 minutes either, because I left before my life and brain could be further ruined.
Score = 1
TRANSFORMERS
Score = 4
You guys are way off. Theodore Rex. Futuristic buddy cop movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur.
Score = 2
Whoa, that sounds truly special. I am feeling myself oddly drawn to watch Theodore Rex. With a bottle of vodka.
Score = 1
How do I not know about this? I just got a bad movie boner reading the description, not unlike the one I got when I saw A Gnome Named Gnorm - buddy copy movie featuring Anthony Michael Hall and a Gnome.
Score = 2
You must not have seen the last rule in the Official Rules which states that any movie title incorporating an awesome T-Rex pun is ineligible for the hunt. Read about it!
By the way for five seconds I thought the title was "Theodore Rex: Futuristic Buddy Cop." WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE.
Score = 0
I'd give Umberto D. an UMBERTO F!!!
Score = 4
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES i like your style...
Score = 4
THIRDED. Though it would easily have been redeemed if that old douche and his stupid mutt got pancaked by the train at the end. Lordy, do dogs suck. The uncoolest member of the animal kingdom. Outclassed by cats in every respect, which of course, are the COOLEST animals ever!! Do the smarty pants dance!!
Score = 4
I think someone's cat has learned to type on the computer.
Score = 4
YASSSS!!!! LEARN TO H8 IN OH EIGHT!!!
Score = 3
What's with The League Of The Extraordinary Gentlemen?
Score = 0
THAT MOVIE RULEZZZZZZZ.....
Score = 4
Good call, SpeechBubble!
Score = 3
SpeechBubble kicks ass!
Score = 4
I actually saw What Dreams May Come on an Adirondak Trailway bus.
Score = 6
Wait...so how does this movie explain the fact that S1mone has to work with other actors, who obviously have never met her before? Are we to assume that Pacino creates other digitized actors along with writing her a pop album and press releases?
Score = 4
Pacino makes the other actors act without her in the scene, then he splices her into the movie later! Simone is the worst movie of all time!
Score = 1
I now realize this was also sort of the plot of the movie Bowfinger. But in Bowfinger, the gimmick resulted in a movie that looked like I could have made it with a camcorder. But basically it was the same idea. Simone "refused" to work with other actors.
Score = 0
So has anyone actually seen the end of this movie?
Score = 1
I nominate flakes. Also twilight when it comes out on netflix. I really hope video/sterogum pays for your netflix subscription...
Score = 0
The search will not be over until this comes out.
Score = 0
-1000 points for the word kefi, -2000 for the Greeks who decided they needed a Greek word for mojo...
Score = -2
now gabe, we both know you don't have a brain.
Score = -1
I am so glad you did Simone. I think in high school this movie was voted least likely to succeed and it proved no one wrong. I have to say though that I think retarded Al Pacino monologues are gold. The end of Devil's Advocate anyone? "...look but don't touch! taste but don't swallow!..." Like many I was unable to get through this one either. I would willing to bet that if a study were completed, Simone is the movie least watched all the way through. But maybe that's because it's a really challenging work like James Joyce's "Ulysses"? You know what else is a really challenging work?
BALLISTIC: ECKS VS SEVER!
Score = 3
Please God do both "The Mist" and "30 Days Of Night." I'd say The Mist is the worst out of those two, the characters' emotional responses and thinking have no grounding in any cognitive reasoning any human being has ever done. The way they go about making decisions, I half expected the one reasonable person in the store to go, "Fuck this," steal the one gun they had and unload a round into their temple. 30 Days Of Night, though, could have a feature dedicated solely to the last scene of the movie, where Josh Harnett Falcon-punches the back of the vampire leaders head off, and all the rest of the vampires seem totally chill about their leader getting killed, and don't do anything despite the fact that there's like 20 of them and 1 of him. Both of those movies made me want to kill myself, so if there's any justice in this world you'll make fun of these two films for the shitshows they were.
Score = -2
The Haunting of Molly Hartley, please oh please.
Score = 1
I second Molly Hartley. It has Chace Crawford in it. And wow that was so TERRIBLE
Score = 0
I would like to nominate Forces of Nature.
Score = 4
yes! I've been hoping for a sandra bullock stinker to be reviewed for sometime-- although, I think "The Lake House" and "Premonition" would be best, BOTH of which have plots that completely revolve around using time travel/warps to prevent a lover's death. Ridic.
Score = 1
Also, LOL "Simone! I have your glass!"
Score = 3
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT.
Seriously, Simone may be terrible, but is it really so offensively terrible?
The Butterfly Effect has so much going for it. It probably is the absolute worst.
It tries to be smart with some crazy Donnie Darkoesque concept.
(I know you hate Donnie Darko, but The Butterfly Effect is a million times worse. At least Donnie Darko didn't take itself so seriously that it didn't have a few jokes sprinkled in)
It tries way too hard to shock you with stupidly messed-up stuff. A classic examble being: A BABY BLOWN UP WITH A MAILBOX BOMB.
It stars ASHTON KUTCHER.
Lots of people actually love this movie. They may all be 14 year old girls who write Mrs. Kutcher on their notebooks, but still. It probably makes them, like, really think about stuff, you know? Except all it makes normal people think about is where did I put my gun?
In conclusion, The Butterfly Effect is the worst movie of all time. The End.
Score = 5
Since I haven't seen them mentioned, I think the following are worth consideration:
Any of these Gus Van Sant movies -- GERRY, ELEPHANT, LAST DAYS
Any Gregg Araki movie -- DOOM GENERATION, NOWHERE, SPLENDOR, SMILEY FACE
Any Larry "Pedophile" Clark movie -- KIDS, BULLY, WASSUP ROCKERS. I know it was for HBO but I dare anybody to make it through 30 minutes of TEENAGE CAVEMAN.
Seriously, mainstream pieces of garbage are at least watchable to a certain point. These are _unwatchable_!
Score = -3
You should do Mall Cop while it's still in wide theatrical release.
Score = 0
I got minused the last time I suggested this (not sure why), but "Reign Over Me'. It tries so hard to be good but Sandler is awful, Liv Tyler plays a therapist who sets her patients up with each other, and there's even a 9-11 backstory for extra weight (you can't beat that).
Score = 2
I'm with you, man
whoever minused you is an asshole
Score = 3
I've thought about this before, but now that you've targeted Jay Mohr, it's official. This "hunt for the worst movie" feature is THE Fire Joe Morgan of film criticism.
Score = 0
My only two possible explanations for The Love Guru not being mentioned above is because you people either haven't seen it or are heavily devoted members of the Colbert Nation.
Well guess what, I've seen it and I love Colbert but
THE LOVE GURU is the WORST!!!!!!!!!
Score = 4
I think it's a shame that Alexander hasn't been addressed yet. It's long enough for three bad movie columns.
I also second League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Score = -1
Alexander has been done, actually, and the review was awesome. It confirmed my decision to avoid that movie at all costs.
Score = 2
I would like to add "A Home of Out Own" to list. While i actually love watching this movie because it is so unintentionally funny, it is also complete garbage. Watch Kathy Bates and an army of ugly children go move into a barn, convert it into some sort of Hooverville mansion, only for it to burn down due to the least likeable kid's constant negligence. Also, throughout the entire movie, God just shits all over this family. It's as if someone said "Dramas? Why, those are sad! Let's make two hours of constant poverty stricken sadness."
Score = 0
almost forgot about Nell! I definitely want to see that one again soon. Might be an amazing experience.
oh, and....Cold Mountain. My campaign to nominate it continues.
Score = 1
Thank you! The last time I suggested Cold Mountain, everyone freaked out.
Cold Mountain is terrible!
Score = 2
BULLY seconded! I get it, it's supposed to be repellent. But it's PRACTICALLY CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. There are lingering shots of the crotches of 12 year old boys in their underwear. Actually crank up the volume of any nude scene in that movie and I swear you could hear the director salivating and licking his lips. Ugh!
Also has anybody mentioned FUNNY GAMES? Again, I get it: it's a critique of peoples' desire to watch others get hurt/tortured. I get it. That would be a great essay or subtext to a movie, but _this_ movie is horrible. I could deal with the 4th wall-breaking but A MAGIC REMOTE CONTROL?! And it saves the lives of the killer! It's awful.
Score = -2
I have no problem with people who hate Death Proof and Burn After Reading, but you are seriously out of touch with the movie-going society if you think they should even be considered in this hunt for the worst movie of all time, which is probably I Know Who Killed Me. Anyway, Transformers was offensively bad, but I guess i wouldn't call it the worst movie of all time even though I fucking hate it. How about The Pretentiously Pointless Case of Benjamin Button. While I may be contradicting myself here (what with my opening comment) I really do think that this movie was void of any soul or redeeming qualities aside from high production values. Brad Pitt's character aging backwards adds nothing to this Forrest Gump wannabe. If you really look at the film, he might as well have aged forwards, because aging backwards gave him no different perspective or approach to life. Can you imagine if you aged backwards, with the knowledge of a 75 year old in a 25 year olds body? Sky's the fucking limit. Instead Fincher wastes what should've been the most interesting part of this mans life with a montage of Pitt and Blanchett dancing on a mattress. Speaking of P and B, their relationship stemmed from nothing other than friendliness in childhood. The romance was so (barely) forced and baseless that I really couldn't give a shit about either character involved. And how about that "if only this didn't happen blah blah blah" scene that dragged on for about ten minutes. What are you trying to say David Fincher?? That life is a series of coincidences and accidents?? How insightful, and completely irrelevant to this movie. The only thing worse than The Dark Knight and Wall-E being snubbed for best picture this year (other than the inclusion of The Reader) was the Academy love showered on Benjamin Button for being big-budget Oscar bait bullshit.
Score = 7
Butterfly Effect, for outstanding use of chaos theory- if part of your youth was having your arms blow off by a dynamite, in a future you'll be- wait for it- armless!! Like, totally! You know, like that brazilian butterfly and chinese tornadoes, but without arms!! Pretty cool movie though, all these plots and ideas.
Also, there was once that movie called Happiness, and I think it wouldn't be as obvious as Butterfly Effect, or Last Kiss, or Last Kiss. It's really ridiculous and fun to watch, and it tell us some kind of truth about human nature, and teach a really important lesson of love.
Score = -1
Happiness is so freaking funny!
Score = 2
Yay! Glad my nomination made it to analysis. I'm also glad a movie I never saw made it, so now I don't have to see it, but feel justified in hating it.
Score = 0
Urban Cowboy, featuring John Travolta...quite possibly the worst movie ever.
Score = -1
I nominate shopgirl, the whole movie was pretty pointless and could be summed up by the three narrative sentences at the beginning, middle and end of the movie.
Score = 0
Lady in a Cage. Truly awful -- violent and pretentious at the same time.
Score = 1
The Worst Movie of All Time, also starring John Travolta, is: Battleship Earth.
My husband took me to see this on our first date. And I still married him. Love is a goofy thing.
Score = -2
I nominate The Omega Code. Truly horrible - I couldn't finish watching it.
Score = 0
Can i nominate:
Ghost Rider. I think the crowning moment of crapitude is when Eva Mendez tries to handle a shotgun.
Saturn 12. Let's get high and get stalked by harvey keitel and his evil robot!
The Last Action Hero. nuff said.
The Professional. A very young Natalie Portman in a child porn flick disguised as a spy thriller. this is why i have nothing to do with that pervy director.
Demoltion Man. Kind in the "fun bad" category.
Judge Dredd.
Rocky IV. Again, fun bad. my favorite scene is where the russian gets a massive needle in his arm and he just look at it. in classic MST3K fashion, I shouted "Oh yeah. Ow." lol Remember the good old days when we thought the russians were competant?
really, just keep going through stalone's catalogue.
Score = 1
Nomination for "Mixed Nuts," the truly awful Steve Martin comedy from 1994, directed by Nora Ephron. I saw it as a kid, in the theater, and then afterwards, snuck into a screening of "Richie Rich" (not eligible as it's a kids movie). The worst double-feature of my life.
Score = 1
its beyond me why garden state STILL hasn't been done.
Score = 1
also, I agree with AW on ghost rider. the preview alone qualifies for worst/most hilarious preview in the world so I'm assuming the movie is equally bad.
Score = 0
This was not a bad movie. At all.
Score = -1
Nothing But Trouble. Biggest. Stinkbomb. Ever.
Score = 1
yentl is the worst film i've ever seen.
Score = 0
Reign Over Me- Please, that movie is horrible. It was trying to capitalize on the post Hotel Rwanda Oscar Buzz and is THE WORST
also Ghost World. Scarlett Johansen being unpleasant the whole movie, and Steve Buscemi being creepy.
Score = 1
Killer Buzz (2001) - I am on a mission to see to it that this terrible movie gets the recognition it deserves. Yes, it's on Netflix, I've checked. It has Gabrielle Anwar, Craig Schaeffer and Rutger Hauer in it, and is about a nefarious plot by oil-grubbing Americans to trample the environment by raping the pristine Brazilian Amazon in a quest for...wait for it...O-I-L. There is a black ops deal going on (the Brazilians have basically handed their country over to the U.S.) being run by the State Department - yes, the diplomatic corp actually has its own army - and they're using deadly killer bees to kill all the natives. But a box of bees ends up on a plane to New York, so you have Gabrielle among the natives (led by a white guy named Savior) fighting the enviro-thugs on the ground, and Schaeffer fending off the bees in the sky, and the whole thing is so stupid I get mad just thinking about it.
Score = 1
How come no nominations for Ishtar or Phantom Menace two of the worst movies of all time.
Score = 0
Requiem for a Dream. I believe everyone LOVED this movie. I thought it was a big pile of steaming putrid crap. Everyone does drugs and experiences excruciatingly horrible fates. I felt like I was watching the most disgusting PSA ever made. Like those brain on pavement movies in Driver's Ed.
Score = 0
Color of Night (1994)
This is the Worst Bruce Willis Movie that Hudson Hawk could never be.
I like Hudson Hawk, so I admit that I want to displace it from this list. But Color of Night could easily win on it's own merits. Just watch it, you know you don't want to.
Score = 0
Absolutely second Cold Mountain. God that movie was miserable
Score = 2
Have you done WONDERWALL yet? Kind of obscure, but Beatle fans might be lured in because George Harrison contributed a good musical score. The movie itself is another matter. A 60s English sex farce that manages to be both cringe-inducing and boring.
Score = 0
So my girlfriend walked in when i was watching the first clip, saw 30 seconds of it, and said "why is Al Pacino in such a horrible movie?" This movie is so bad, it can be proclaimed only by watching 30 seconds of it.
Also, vicky christina barcelona is a terrible movie. Woody Allen directed and it has Javier Bardem in it. for your de-consideration.
Score = -1
are you nuts? vicky cristina barcelona was funny and one of the best rom coms i've seen in a long time and javier bardem is hot! if you want a real wmoat then i suggest you see 'how to lose friends and alienate people.' i don't know how you got through most of this movie gabe because even the 5 minute clip you posted was almost unwatchable. but i'm warning you for later because 'the black dahlia' was horrible and you'll hate whoever suggested it to you.
Score = 2
Forrest Gump
Hated it more than i could possibly imagine.
Ishtar i liked.
Score = -1
WHY CATHERINE KEENER WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY
Score = 1
I am hungover and at work today (saturday) and I just watched the party scene and immediately threw up in my trashcan. i swear on my life.
Score = 0
There were a lot of things I was going to comment about, but I just saw a picture of Gabe.
Gabe is hot.
I am a little speechless.
Score = 3
Two votes:
Youth Without Youth
Tideland
Shockingly horrible films from directors who have made the occasional good film.
Also, has anyone mentioned Good Will Hunting?
Score = 1
I'm not sure if this one would count but: Me, You And Everyone We Know.
Most pretentious garbage ever.
But also:
Monster's Ball
Daylight
Burn After Reading
Score = 1
Seriously, everyone needs to stop nominating Burn After Reading. The Coen Bros. have never been involved with a movie that could possibly construed as the worst movie of all time. They're too disciplined. You may not have LIKED that movie (I did), but it is by no stretch of the imagination the worst movie of all time, and has no place in this hunt. You know what does though? Wild Hogs. Not only does it have the post-90's Tim Allen Curse on it, it also has the Martin Lawrence curse. And it's terrible.
Score = 3
And: Neverwas. A weird fucking movie about how Aaron Eckhart is the main character in these fantastical books his dad, Nick Nolte (of course), wrote when he was a child. And Aaron Eckhart goes to work at this mental hospital which Ian McKellan lives in with a huge beard and is really crazy and thinks the stories Nick Notle wrote about fantastical lands is true. It was only shown at the Toronto film festival, but it's so amazingly bad and has crap load of A and B-listers.
Seriously. It's worthy being ripped apart. If after that you're jonesing for more awful Aaron Eckhart movies see Posession. Gwyneth Paltrow is in it, that should be more than enough for you to want to watch.
Score = 0
Is the guy with the eye patch Quentin Tarantino?? It would so explain everything!
Score = 0
I would like to suggest " The Crow: City of Angels", although I don't know if it qualifies as I'm not sure if the actors are even B-list. It's the only movie I've walked out of the theater on. I went't to see it with my (then) 10 yr old son, and it was so horrible we had to leave. Attempts to be arty and spiritual, but is just pretentious dreck.
Score = 0
The rules specify that he will not consider movies based on Comic Book characters or something. That's gotta be the reason Robert Altman's Popeye is out of consideration. That is a sad, strange movie that makes me feel physically anxious. It's got Robin Williams playing Popeye... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8TRoMSG-5I
He yis what he yis.
Score = 3
I know that someone has already mentioned it, but Because I Said So is a must-see.
Really. So many things that are wrong about it...
But truly, The Last Kiss is hellish and also pointless. Review please.
Score = 3
"Failure to Launch" My god, you have to see Terry Bradshaw's bare ass! That's worth a nomination alone!
Score = 2
I suggest any of the following three
1. moonraker
2. truth or consequences New Mexico
3. superman IV
Score = 0
AUGUST RUSH. And Old Dogs, preemptively.
But again, AUGUST RUSH will make beg for mercy, but will spare none.
Score = 0
I highly reccommend Mission to Mars. Worst.film.ever.
Score = 2
what about "model behavior"?
Score = 1
no wait wait wait- what about "america's sweethearts'? i somehow saw that in seventh grade and almost left the theater- the person i was watching it with and i were bored almost to tears, and good news, i just saw it again and it was actually even worse. and i think we were the only people in the theater at the timeo and im pretty sure it almost single handedly help destroy the careers of all 4 of its stars: catherine zeta jones, julia roberts,billy crystal, and john cusack. best of all, it was an attempt from hollywood to make light of hollywood, and it i think was the least funny movie of all time.
Score = 2
Okay, so I'm way late to the game here, but I highly, highly, heartily recommend Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band from 1979. I don't think it could have been more awful if they tried; as it is, it was disowned by the Beatles and George Martin, it destroyed RSO Records, egged on the public backlash against the Bee Gees, helped destroy Peter Frampton's career (not that he needed help), and is basically a two-hour-long pop culture train wreck on celluloid. If you can watch it all in one sitting while completely sober, you're a stronger person than I!
Score = 1
Same thing with "The Who's 'Tommy'." Tommy was my favorite album when I saw it, and I seriously couldn't listen to it for A YEAR afterward. To this day, that album will never be the same for me because of that piece of shit. It's the closest I've ever gotten to how Beatles Aficionados must feel about the aforementioned Sgt. Pepper's and Across the Universe.
Score = 1
Nope. That Marilyn-cult scene was so brilliant.
Score = 1
Ack, I was hoping What Dreams May Come would be up; I want my fix!
Might I suggest "Minority Report" for a possible upcoming flick?
Score = 0
i nominate "honey"
Score = 1
Nell
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110638/
Score = 0
Is the next post not coming until next week?
Score = 0
I wonder if some filmmakers intend to make bad films hoping it creates a "buzz" around just how bad the film is?...and in turn raises the films popularity? hmmm...I wonder.
Timothy
Score = 0
"american beauty"... and someone already mentioned this, but i second "reign over me".
Score = 1
I can't believe that nobody has nominated Tin Cup yet. I can only think that a) it's an egregious oversight; b) I was the only person actually unfortunate enough to be forced to watch it; c) it really was the WMAT and everyone has forgotten about it as a result. If it was C, I heartily apologize for reinserting it into others' consciousness. If it was B, then other people need to share my pain. And if it was A, well - it's fixed now.
And if Keanu movies haven't been removed from the running already for being redundant, Chain Reaction might be worth a nomination.
I'll also put my pull behind LXG. (Tom Sawyer has never seem an automobile before and manages not just to drive perfectly, but to peel out his first time behind the wheel? Seriously?) What an absolute piece of crap.
Some others I agree with:
-Burn After Reading
-Brothers Grimm (I'm cringing just typing it. I'm so sorry Gabe if you pick this.)
-Failure To Launch (Best self-referential movie title EVER.)
-Royal Tenenbaums (Probably not the worst ever, but pretty fucking awful.)
Score = 0
I can't believe that nobody has nominated Tin Cup yet. I can only think that a) it's an egregious oversight; b) I was the only person actually unfortunate enough to be forced to watch it; c) it really was the WMAT and everyone has forgotten about it as a result. If it was C, I heartily apologize for reinserting it into others' consciousness. If it was B, then other people need to share my pain. And if it was A, well - it's fixed now.
And if Keanu movies haven't been removed from the running already for being redundant, Chain Reaction might be worth a nomination.
I'll also put my pull behind LXG. (Tom Sawyer has never seem an automobile before and manages not just to drive perfectly, but to peel out his first time behind the wheel? Seriously?) What an absolute piece of crap.
Some others I agree with:
-Burn After Reading
-Brothers Grimm (I'm cringing just typing it. I'm so sorry Gabe if you pick this.)
-Failure To Launch (Best self-referential movie title EVER.)
-Royal Tenenbaums (Probably not the worst ever, but pretty fucking awful.)
Score = -1
Willlard! The 2003 remake, of course.
Score = 0
I still shudder when I recall the unfortunate experience of watching Simone (oh I'm sorry, S1M0NE). I think it was on a plane; haven't Trailwaysed it through the Adirondacks in years.
It was every bit as bad as this review says it was, and worse. A big ol' excuse for Andrew Niccol (writer and director, bad sign) to put lots of preachy, overwrought soliloquies about Truth, Reality and The Entertainment Industry into the eager scenery-devouring mouth of Al Pacino.
Strange then, that, as the review explains, the movie is so embarrassingly clueless as to how the entertainment industry actually works. You'd think that'd be the one thing Niccol would actually have some firsthand knowledge of -- unlike, say, computers or technology.
I will also put in a vote for Mixed Nuts. I never walk out of movies; I'll watch anything. I am a slut whore. But after suffering through approximately 20 minutes of this desperately unfunny "comedy," I turned to my two equally anguished friends and whispered, "You know, we can just leave." And we did. It was a revelation. I felt so free, so alive.
Score = 0
The live action version of Pinocchio with Roberto Benigni!
Score = 1
I really can't imagine why anyone would dislike Mixed Nuts (it *did* have a bit of a slow start, but it got better) that much, or Benigni's Pinocchio. Those are two really good movies.
American Beauty - I don't hate it, but it really does suck - good one! That plastic bag thing was like the dumbest. thing. ever. but pretended to be deep and everyone kind of pretended to "get it" - LOL. Bo-ring!
But - are we really going to get more movies? It seems like it's been so long already :(
Score = 0
Battlefield Earth and Vanilla Sky. And yeah Castaway, ughhhhhhhhhhh. But srsly, I will never ever get over an ex of mine trying to force me to watch B.E. No amount of weed come numb me to it's corny horribleness.
Score = -1
* 'Could numb'! Not 'come numb'!
Score = 0
i'm gonna nominate Days of Thunder starring Tom Cruise.
Score = 0
when are you intending to put the Dark Knight on the list?
Score = 0
Tideland.
Jeff Bridges and Terry Gilliam.
There's an intro with the director telling viewers off for potentially not liking the film.
Score = 0