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January 19, 2009

The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Havoc

After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.

By the rules of The Hunt, Havoc is disqualified from serious consideration. Although it stars Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips, and also Rico from Six Feet Under, it never saw a theatrical release. It was screened at some film festivals, and was picked up for DVD distribution, and it is bad, but this is not one of those situations where rules are made to be broken. The reasoning behind the theatrical release requirement for Hunt nominees is that in order for something to truly be terrible, it has to have the capacity to affect the culture. It's expressly the mistaken idea that a bad movie is worthy of your 11 dollars, that it can compete in the marketplace, that it deserves an audience, that takes it from your standard bargain bin cult movie disasterpiece to genuine The Worst territory. What I'm trying to say is who cares how bad a movie is if no one sees it? Trees shitting in the woods and stuff. That being said, Havoc seems to have slipped through the cracks. It was written by Academy Award-winner Stephen Gaghan. The director, Barbara Kopple, has two Oscars. And Anne Hathaway shows her tits in the movie. THREE TIMES. So, although we're all on the same page--my page--that this movie is by our own definition--my definition--out of the running for the Grand Prize, let's talk about it, because yikes.

Havoc is about rich white kids from the Palisades who love hip hop so much that they talk like Poser Mobile and get together in parking lots on the beach to pick fights with poor Hispanic kids, because thug life. One night Anne Hathaway and her boyfriend and also Bijou Phillips drive to East LA to buy drugs from some real life gang members, and Anne Hathaway's boyfriend pees his pants, literally, and then Anne Hathaway falls in love with Rico from Six Feet Under because he has a ponytail. So then she starts hanging out with real life gang members, because that happens, and one night her and Bijou Phillips decide that they want to become part of the gang. The way to become part of the gang is you have to roll a die and whatever number you roll is the number of guys you have to have sex with, and Bijou Phillips rolls whatever number you have to roll to get gang raped. Then Anne Hathaway decides that she doesn't want to be in the gang anymore and she goes back to being a rich white kid from the Palisades. Bijou Phillips has a little bit of a rougher time of it, because of the whole getting gang raped thing.

The movie makes sure that you understand how complex the characters are by including the conceit of a high school kid shooting a documentary about Anne Hathaway, because that way she can just actually spell it all out for you: r-i-c-h-k-i-d-s- a-r-e-l-o-n-e-l-y-a-n-d-l-o-v-e-i-m-p-r-o-v:

Aw, maybe if her parents loved her they would pay for acting classes. Look, Anne Hathaway has really carved out a niche for herself with movies like The Princess Diaries and The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, but listening to her speak "gangsta" for an hour and a half is The Unbearable Diaries. More than that, it's embarrassing. It's so bad that you stop feeling bad for Anne Hathaway, and move on to feeling bad for the loved ones of Anne Hathaway, who had to try and think of something nice to say to her.

Havoc obviously wishes it was Kids, but the problem with wishing that you were Kids is that Kids isn't really that good of a movie in the first place, so what does that say about a subpar Kids? Both are filled with After-School Special caliber messages about parental neglect, although what sets Havoc apart is the fact that the parents don't actually seem neglectful. They're smart and tan and rich, and while they're two-dimensionally unhappy, because every middle-aged wealthy parent in a movie about Los Angeles is "unhappy," they actually seem to care about their kids and want to do right by them. This could be an interesting commentary on how kids grow up so fast these days that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are, they'll still be left to navigate very adult dangers all on their own, but it's not an interesting commentary on that. It just seems poorly thought out. And boring. Are we really supposed to believe that anyone actually keeps a list like this on their refrigerator?

But despite the heavy-handedness of the movie's morality, and Anne Hathaway's dialog, and the deeply flawed attempts at showing what life was really like on the mean streets of East LA, things don't get really bad (and really weird) until after Bijou Phillips gets gang-raped. Because Anne Hathaway, the film's protagonist, the film's "heroine," claims that Bijou Phillips wasn't gang-raped because she asked to be in the gang, and those are the rules. It's like the old saying goes: "if someone rolls dice, it's never gang rape." (What?) At first it's like, huh, OK, that's kind of weird, because your friend did just get gang-raped, so you're kind of being a dick about this, but then the movie just keeps pushing on this point, and Anne Hathaway never backs down from her position, going so far as to tell Bijou Phillips's parents that the reason she won't help Bijou by testifying to the police is because Bijou Phillips basically asked to get triple-penetration gang-raped by rolling dice so its her fault. Her fault! But to make things more complicated, when Anne Hathaway tells Bijou Phillips's parents that it was her idea to get gang-raped in the first place so that makes it not a gang-rape, Bijou Phillips gets really upset, as if her plot has been foiled? And Anne Hathaway is like "I'm sorry about letting everyone know you love being gang raped, but we should always be honest," and Bijou Phillips is like "I want to kill myself because of how right you are about it being my idea to get gang-raped," and suddenly it's all just like UM, WHAT?

Speaking of what, what is it with Stephen Gaghan movies and the depiction of upper-middle class white teenagers' casual experimentation with crack?

Also:

To be fair, though, the movie is doomed from the beginning, because the first line of the whole thing is Anne Hathaway saying "So you want to know about life in the Palisades?" And the answer to that is "no," but they never give us time to answer.

Next week: Across the Universe. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven't done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Posted by Gabe at 5:00 PM in
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86 Comments

Darjeeling Limited!

Posted by: Sam at 01/19/09 5:17 PM  | Reply
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I agree! That's the worst Wes Anderson movie.

Posted by: Steve Sanders  in reply to  Sam's comment at 01/29/09 12:56 AM  | Reply
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I wish I didn't know this existed because as much as there's the chance to praise Bijou Phillips for committing to her poser-white-chick roles in almost everything she's been in, it scares me to think that she's brought that character to life more than once. It's a wonder she didn't beat Joaquin Phoenix to the white-actor-rap-album punch (how is that not posted on here today?).

Posted by: Chadams at 01/19/09 5:18 PM  | Reply
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Hopefully it's not posted here today because it is a put-on.

Posted by: Eli!  in reply to  Chadams's comment at 01/20/09 10:39 PM  | Reply
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Anne Hathaway's nipples are the best.

Posted by: Hey at 01/19/09 5:31 PM  | Reply
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Agreed.
This post actually convinced me to see the movie. I had always known that she shows her T's in this but i thought it would be in a quick shot, changing clothes kind of way. Nobody told me she squeezed her nipples and stuff. That should be the tagline on the DVD. "Anne Hathaway squeezes her nipples and stuff".
I am purchasing immediately.

Posted by: sammysam profile link  in reply to  Hey's comment at 01/19/09 5:45 PM  | Reply
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Bijou Phillips has one performance in her. A trashy, stupid, bitch bimbo that is all about poor choices. See: Bully, Hostel 2, Black and White, Havoc, Venom and Almost Famous.

PS: Is it sad that I know that rap was originally performed by Amil (who now works at K-Mart) from the Jay-Z song Can I Get A...?

PPS: I think I just answered my own question.

Posted by: marktron profile link at 01/19/09 5:32 PM  | Reply
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Don't be ashamed. That song is GOOD, and it's the only rap song I know all the words to.

Posted by: Andrew  in reply to  marktron's comment at 01/19/09 7:45 PM  | Reply
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wait are you trying to convince me that gratuitous anne hathaway nudity is bad?

Posted by: kleach profile link at 01/19/09 5:34 PM  | Reply
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It's not out on DVD, but you need to consider saving a slot for Seven Pounds. Terrible movie.

Posted by: leighton at 01/19/09 5:37 PM  | Reply
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The Substitute
This is what the description on the tv was:
"A substitute teacher uses violence to rid his school of thugs and drug dealers."
Yeah, that sums it up better than I could try.
There's a great scene where the principal hires a student gang (led by a young Marc Anthony) to kill the substitute teacher (what?). That leads to a showdown in the library, where the substitute throws them all out the window. It's great.

Mannequin
If you heard about the movie Mannequin. you would probably think something like, "Oh, a movie made in the 1980s about a guy who falls in love with a mannequin played by Kim Cattrall that comes to life when he is the only one around. Of course it's going to be terrible." But one cannot fathom just how terrible it is without seeing it. It exceeds all expectations of awfulness. It may truly be the absolute Worst.

Posted by: y at 01/19/09 5:43 PM  | Reply
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I saw the subsitute at 4am once after a really bad night out. The way the knees on the teacher were eviscerated almost made me want to wear shin guards whilst jogging. It is the worst. The school being used for a drug storage depot? Genious/hilarious.

The last time I saw Mannequin I was 9 and I loved it, but I also loved Robin Williams at that age so it could be hit or miss.

Posted by: sarcasticmeow profile link  in reply to  y's comment at 01/19/09 6:31 PM  | Reply
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You're confusing "worst of all time" with "awesomely bad".

Posted by: Dan profile link  in reply to  y's comment at 01/20/09 2:57 AM  | Reply
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Alright, I'll take back the nomination for Mannequin. I guess I was the only one who had bad memories of it from being forced to go see it.

And I agree with whoever nominated The Butterfly Effect, which I forgot all about. That would probably be the one to end the hunt.

Posted by: y  in reply to  y's comment at 01/20/09 5:23 PM  | Reply
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BEST jerk movie

Posted by: james at 01/19/09 5:44 PM  | Reply
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Across the Universe, hell yeah! The movie begins with the guy singing the first verse of "Girl" on the beach in such a whiny bitch manner that I thought for sure that he was setting up the death of his love interest later. But no, it turns out he's just a whiny bitch. The movie couldn't even get that right! For making a mockery of Lennon please eviscerate the hell out of that flick, Gabe.

And my I once again recommend Running With Scissors? Seriously, I'm pretty sure my dvd player seppuku-ed itself after that thing.

Posted by: TS at 01/19/09 5:45 PM  | Reply
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I'd like to nominate Eye of the Beholder, starring Ewan McGregor, Ashley Judd and kd lang (?). Oh, and Jason Priestley. It is BY FAR the worst movie I've ever seen.

Posted by: drinkplanner at 01/19/09 5:55 PM  | Reply
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About 2 grafs into this post I realized, to my HORROR, that I have seen this movie. It is exactly why I don't have premium cable anymore.

SUUUUUUCKS!

Posted by: Karen at 01/19/09 6:05 PM  | Reply
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Me too.
Sorry, brain.

Posted by: sol  in reply to  Karen's comment at 01/19/09 9:29 PM  | Reply
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2nd-ing "Running with Scissors" big time. I remember R. Roeper named it the worst of that year (2-3 ago?).

I'll NOT second Mannequin since it's trashy '80s fun. It can't be TWMOAT if it can stand as a hallmark among the likes of "Ski School" and junk like that.

Posted by: Chadams at 01/19/09 6:29 PM  | Reply
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I don't know who 1st-ed it, but I am 3rd-ing it. I don't know that I have ever hated a movie more.

Posted by: rachel  in reply to  Chadams's comment at 01/22/09 2:05 PM  | Reply
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Yes! Across the universe is long overdue for some Gabe backlash. But seriously though, Transformers is just fucking awful.

Posted by: Roark profile link at 01/19/09 7:11 PM  | Reply
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Really, there's only one answer to "What is the worst movie of all-time?" and that's The Butterfly Effect. Not only is in terrible in every single way, but it's maybe the most unpleasant movie ever made.

Child molestation. Murder. Rape. Drug addiction. Suicide. Killing puppies. This movie would be the worst if it had a decent plot and good acting, instead of the worst combination of acting and storytelling ever put together. Oh and did I mention the ending where ASHTON KUTCHER GOES BACK IN TIME TO WHEN HE WAS IN HIS MOTHER'S WOMB AND STRANGLES HIMSELF WITH HIS UMBILICAL CORD?

I'm not even suggesting this be an entry in the Hunt because no one should ever be subjected to this movie voluntarily. But it is definitely the Worst Movie of All-Time.

Posted by: Schiels at 01/19/09 7:12 PM  | Reply
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Inland Empire. Art schmart, I love Lynch, but that thing was a three hour circle jerk.

Posted by: Busty St.Clair at 01/19/09 7:12 PM  | Reply
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I second Darjeeling Limited. I couldn't watch more than 15 minutes of it. The dialog is horrible.

Anne Hathaway has nice boobs.

Posted by: dog at 01/19/09 7:13 PM  | Reply
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If TV shows could count I would nominate THE WIRE. The worst of the worst. Stop it, TV. This show is seriously the dumbest guy in the prison where it belongs. Plus it's clearly racist, sexist and homophobic. PERFECT.

Posted by: Josho at 01/19/09 7:36 PM  | Reply
Score = -23 Vote up Vote down

Yes, and Citizen Kane...clearly the worst movie of all time. Side note: what?

Posted by: Ao  in reply to  Josho's comment at 01/19/09 9:09 PM  | Reply
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Is it Opposite Day and nobody told me? If you think The Wire is the worst, what the hell do you think is the best?

Posted by: kittenpants profile link  in reply to  Josho's comment at 01/20/09 3:23 PM  | Reply
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I understand that this movie is "bad," but it is so entertainingly bad that I loooved it. Everything bad about it makes it good. I mean, you must know about this line of thinking already, right Gabe?

Also, not to be dumb, but I think that Anne Hathaway's point is that Bijou Phillips is lying and saying that these guys just randomly raped her out of the blue, when in reality she was putting herself into a dangerous(?) situation with her own free will. Of course she should not have been forcibly raped, but as a result of Bijou's lie the guys will be tried more harshly (especially because she is rich/white/teen).

I like to see the "Hunt For The Worst" full of movies that are so bad they are unwatchable without any pleasure. Also, I liked I KNOW WHO KILLED ME for the same reason.

Legless Lohan? Amazing.

Posted by: Andrew at 01/19/09 7:51 PM  | Reply
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Aw, I actually liked Across the Universe. Watch it while you're high, it's the best movie ever, then.

Posted by: Julie at 01/19/09 7:56 PM  | Reply
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wrong! you'd think that's the case but i was pretty stoned when i tried to watch that tripe and yeah...still tripe.

Posted by: ultra_balexbot profile link  in reply to  Julie's comment at 01/21/09 12:47 PM  | Reply
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I'm ashamed to say I grew up in the Palisades.
Also, Across the Universe is truly horrific.

Posted by: Leigh at 01/19/09 8:09 PM  | Reply
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as did I. i knew a lot of douchey people there (thus most of my friends lived in other neighborhoods) but they weren't douchey in the way they are presented in this movie.

Posted by: bearface profile link  in reply to  Leigh's comment at 01/20/09 1:24 AM  | Reply
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So much tomfoolery in these comments.

Mannequin rules. End of story.

The Wire rules. Best tv show in recent history, definitely.

Posted by: K at 01/19/09 9:56 PM  | Reply
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I would like to officially nominate the movie SUPERNOVA (2001). Supernova has probably been long forgotten but was the dumbest movie I've ever seen in a theater. Bonus points: stars James Spader, Lou Diamond Phillips and Robin Tunney. It's about a giant pink glowing phallic shaped space crystal with evil powers. And I remember there being a zero gravity sex scene for no apparent reason. It has mercifully disappeared from our culture, but I don't think the filmmakers (including Francis Ford Coppola, apparently) should be let of the hook.

Posted by: Joaqunnn Phoenix at 01/19/09 10:05 PM  | Reply
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Ah, Supernova. Featuring the red-hot zero-gravity James Spader-on-Angela Bassett sex scene absolutely nobody asked for. If there's one movie I wish I could unwatch, it's that one.

Posted by: vlad  in reply to  Joaqunnn Phoenix's comment at 01/20/09 4:40 AM  | Reply
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I saw parts of it, and while it is pretty bad, it's definitely not worst by any means. Any movie with its core of "rich suburbanites treading bad waters" will be terrible.

I'm going to have to suggest Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars again. I can't choose one, just all three.

Posted by: Mister Madness profile link at 01/19/09 10:19 PM  | Reply
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I don't know who 1st-ed it, but I am 3rd-ing it. I don't know that I have ever hated a movie more.

Posted by: rachel at 01/19/09 11:03 PM  | Reply
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this movie is awful. but i do not understand the Kids comparison at all. besides the fact that they both have high school kids doing drugs in it, they are nothing alike.

again. please pick any woody allen movie. this is supposed to be about BAD movies. and he's made a ton of them.

Posted by: bearface profile link at 01/20/09 1:25 AM  | Reply
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I second Woody Allen. Preferably 'Deconstructing Harry.' It's basically a love letter to himself.

Posted by: RobinRubbermaid  in reply to  bearface's comment at 01/20/09 12:35 PM  | Reply
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Sorry, but I cant make out what you are circling in that last picture there? And I want to get the joke.

Also, August Rush, PLEASE. And Beautiful Girls.
But mostly August Rush. Worst movie of all time, the whole time I basically made a fully formed gabe-post on what was wrong with that movie. PUKE
Also cant wait for the Across The Universe hate.

Posted by: lookie-here profile link at 01/20/09 2:27 AM  | Reply
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i saw this on free movies on demand a month ago or so...

and it really made me want to kill bunnies. if that makes any sense.

i hate anne hathaway for this. but i love her (more or less) otherwise.

Posted by: Becca profile link at 01/20/09 3:22 AM  | Reply
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This movie reminds me of Alpha Dog, which is pretty much to Bully what Havoc is to Kids. Plus, Nick Cassavetes is like the Jakob Dylan of filmmaking.

Posted by: Babo at 01/20/09 10:01 AM  | Reply
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Ok, no joke, the gang bang scene seriously scarred me. Like a little bit. Then after it happened my boyfriend kept saying "but that skank deserved it!" which reaaaallly pissed me off. Maybe he was kinda right, in a small way though.

Posted by: abster at 01/20/09 10:52 AM  | Reply
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Maybe you need a new boyfriend and he needs some professional help.

Posted by: Garmanbozia profile link  in reply to  abster's comment at 01/21/09 2:46 AM  | Reply
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it boggles my mind that you didn't even once address the ridiculous lesbian undertones thrown into this movie. how did you show the clip and not mention it? bijou phillips' "i want to go downtown with you... i just want to feel it" to anne hathaway is just one of many ridiculous indications that phillips' character is in love with hathaway's, but at the end it's just ignored, cause well, she gets gang raped.

also. i nominate Art School Confidential. That movie is awful.

Posted by: yom_kipone profile link at 01/20/09 1:26 PM  | Reply
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like the dude with the camera wouldn't have fucked her.

Posted by: woozefa profile link at 01/20/09 4:26 PM  | Reply
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I've been following this - waiting for you to review a truly, truly awful movie and you really haven't. You're just watching stuff that's pretty widely considered garbage - if you want to watch an awful movie, you don't have to dig that far - it's like you're not even trying. As a fan of bad movies (and apparently somewhat of a bad movie snob), I find this obnoxious.

Posted by: NewarkWilder88 at 01/20/09 7:29 PM  | Reply
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Then why don't you suggest something?

Posted by: cocaine zombie  in reply to  NewarkWilder88's comment at 01/20/09 11:53 PM  | Reply
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get over yourself

Posted by: woo  in reply to  NewarkWilder88's comment at 01/22/09 6:07 PM  | Reply
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Gabe, let me recommend to you the most boring, boring, bag of boring that has ever bored anyone: Solaris, starring George Clooney and his probably-dead possibly-ghost space wife in the spooky lonely space station. It is such incredibly awful, boring, vaguely emotional nonsense.

Posted by: Evan Stewart at 01/20/09 7:39 PM  | Reply
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Seconded. So, so bad.

Posted by: Al  in reply to  Evan Stewart's comment at 01/22/09 1:51 AM  | Reply
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I saw a havoc on IFC and wow it is sooooo bad! As a member of the latin community, the stereotypes were so horrid and possibly racist? I think this film was just an excuse for anne hathaway to get rid of her "disney goody two shoes" vibe.


I nominate this horrid film called "WASSUP ROCKERS" from the guy who did "Kids", it is sooooo bad and unreal with pimply faced fugly skaters who get it on with some rich pretty school girls. blah!

Posted by: JUJUbean at 01/20/09 9:00 PM  | Reply
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Fight Club!

Posted by: LANDLADY at 01/20/09 9:03 PM  | Reply
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across the universe is so awesome. i only saw it once but it was SO FUCKING GREAT. but my favorite movie is Speed Racer 2008 so what do i know?

Posted by: Mandy profile link at 01/21/09 2:24 AM  | Reply
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I feel outed by "Havoc." I watched it just to see, sigh, Anne Hathaway's tits. Yes I did. You forgot to mention how uncomfortable the guy from "Six Feet Under" is playing a gangbanger. I think the guy with the videocamera in the first clip just got BACON'D.

Posted by: Garmanbozia profile link at 01/21/09 2:48 AM  | Reply
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Alright Gabe, it came out on DVD yesterday so there is officially NO REASON why this shouldn't be a nominee..

MAX PAYNE

please, i still feel wronged by its.... its..... mark wahlberg

Posted by: ThomBoh at 01/21/09 9:35 AM  | Reply
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oh my god please do Sunshine! that movie doesn't even know what genre its in! why does the end even exist??

Posted by: ultra_balexbot profile link at 01/21/09 12:49 PM  | Reply
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Ultraviolet

I'm not even sure it was once a comic book, but copied what Marvel does and show comic books before the actually movie starts. It plays out like they filmed someone who programmed cheat codes into a video game and they decided that would be good for a scene in a movie.

The Movie is a complete fail that might actually be decent had they not used any dialog in the movie.

In one scene the main character pulls out an average size 10 year old (estimate) boy out of a normal size suitcase.

You go to IMDB and there is a whole list of goofs. The sad thing is you don't have to be looking for them to notice them. It was as obvious as the product placement in Minority Report...wait more obvious then that. But most important, there is this mistake;

Revealing mistakes: During the scene where Nerva and his gang meet up with Daxus, Daxus accidentally calls Nerva by his real name- "Sebastien."

NO one noticed this, or did no one care?

I watched it when it came out on theaters...then I watched in on YouTube, if you are going to watch it, find it for free.... DON'T SPEND A PENNY ON THIS CRAP.

Posted by: Chris at 01/21/09 3:09 PM  | Reply
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How about Scanner Cop? Is that just ridiculous? I mean, that's already established as bad, right? We don't need to bring up old shit.

Posted by: Fran at 01/21/09 3:16 PM  | Reply
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Gabe already did Ultraviolet. Look through the archives.

Posted by: marktron profile link at 01/21/09 3:31 PM  | Reply
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Might as well get ready to pack up this whole operation and move on, because Across The Universe is TWMOAT. That said, I would love to read an epic entry on Star Wars 1-3. Butterfly Effect is also brutal in every way.

Posted by: rudy at 01/21/09 4:51 PM  | Reply
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Has anyone else seen "The Hole," a British film starring Keira Knightley and Thora Birch? The premise alone makes this film worthy of consideration: a group of high school students decide that instead of going on a class trip to Europe, they would rather hide out in a bunker on the school grounds. Of course, all kinds of cliched twists ensue and Keira Knightley dies in a puddle of vomit, if I'm remembering correctly.

Posted by: Marnie at 01/21/09 4:57 PM  | Reply
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One of the great pleasures of this list is trying to predict in advance which entry will produce the angriest and most defensive posts in the comments section, which seem to fall into either A) hurt feelings, ie "I can't believe you'd do that to Crash, Gabe!", or B) angry and incoherent, to the tune of "i can't believe you sit there all the day beghind your screen and tell that you dno't get soutland tales dude get your life already". (That's right, angry commenter fan fic. We all have our hobbies.)

Anyway, guessing that Across the Universe yields a bumper crop of the first variety. Gabe, please cover Jim Sturgesseseses's haircut.

Posted by: James at 01/21/09 6:44 PM  | Reply
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Worst - Pumpkin

Perky, perfect Carolyn (Christina Ricci) and her Alpha Omega Pi sisters plan to win Sorority of the Year by impressing the Greek Council with a killer charity: coaching mentally challenged athletes for the regional Challenged Games. When Carolyn's assigned to coach Pumpkin she's terrified at first, but soon sees in him something she's never seen before: a gentle humanity and honest clarity that touches her soul. To the horror of her friends and Pumpkin's overprotective mother, Carolyn falls in love, becoming an outcast in the process. As Carolyn's "perfect life" falls apart, Pumpkin teaches her that perfect isn't always perfect after all.


...yeesh!

Posted by: Matt at 01/22/09 12:12 AM  | Reply
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"because thug life."

Posted by: Carrie at 01/22/09 1:06 AM  | Reply
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pay it forward. pretty please?

Posted by: spectator profile link at 01/22/09 2:41 AM  | Reply
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oh my god, yes to Pumpkin and Pay it Forward. the former for every single aspect of the film (except perhaps it was made tongue-firmly-implanted-in-cheek, but then we have to wonder who thinks stories about handicapped people and their humanizing effects on us regular people is a topic ripe for satire?) Although, a scene in which a car drives off a cliff, then spontaneously combusts in midair, then plummets into a ravine, and then the driver is shown in a hospital bed with a leg cast and perfect skin would indicate this was made with less than serious intentions. Or by handicapped kids, in which case, good for them.

Pay it Forward because it is wholly the most pretensious film ever made, and obviously sought to capitalize on throwing a bunch of recent Oscar winners into the same movie and then having them cry....a lot. And Kevin Spacey is a burn victim. And Helen Hunt is cast as a single mother and Haley Joel Osment is the precocious son of a single mother - so, they are basically just reprising their Oscar winning roles. It also has a sachrine, motivational message that we need to suffer through three hours of egregious Pepsi product placements to get - which is essentially that people should be nice to people. And Osment gets martyred like Christ in the end, because thats how prevelant school violence is these days. Plus there is a burned like the English Patient Kevin Spacey on bleach-blonde stripper Helen Hunt sex scene (thanks a fucking lot. My eyes are burning.) and.....

Jon

Bon

Jovi

Posted by: Sally at 01/22/09 3:15 AM  | Reply
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Once again How to Lose Friends and Aleinate People. The most torturing hour and a half of my life. Until then I had never gone to a movie, even a bad one, without laughing once. Like a previous commenter said I wish that was a movie I could unwatch. And yes it had a theatrical release and starred Simon Pegg (ick), Kirsten Dunst, Jeff Bridges, Megan Fox, and Gillian Anderson.

Posted by: courtney at 01/22/09 7:23 PM  | Reply
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No. No. No. No. NO!?! Havoc is an awesome film about teenagers in search of an identity who find that the real world when stripped of its glamour is a harsh often cruel place. How is no one seeing the greatness of this film? Lol...and Anne Hathaway was great, even when she was trying to be "gangsta". She doesn't do it well because in the end, that's not really who she is. OMG...you wanna name the worst movie EVER!?! Inland Empire was complete garbage, the only movie I had to literally force myself to finish. Inland Empire is pretty much a painfully long, nonsensical dream put on film. That's why there's no summary on the back of the DVD. Avoid at all costs. You'd be better off going to bed an dreaming up your own version of the film. Literally!!!

Posted by: Jai5107 profile link at 01/22/09 9:02 PM  | Reply
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That Academy Award and Oscar winners had anything to do with the film that spawned those clips is certainly telling of the artistic merit of mainstream cinema. I feel embarrassed for my computer.

Posted by: Adam Bruneau at 01/22/09 11:04 PM  | Reply
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the nanny diaries.

Posted by: sha sha at 01/22/09 11:55 PM  | Reply
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This review is really funny. F*ck you. I hate myself.

Posted by: mellowjazzdocent at 01/23/09 1:44 PM  | Reply
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Bangkok Dangerous. Oh god.

Posted by: Anon at 01/23/09 2:35 PM  | Reply
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The Sweetest Thing. After I finished watching this I couldn't decide whether I should pour the bleach in my eyes or just drink it.

Posted by: Alex at 01/23/09 4:10 PM  | Reply
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Yeah, Darjeeling Limited wanted to be way more poignant than it was. Quirky=deep! I also vote for Requiem For A Dream, if you happen to agree that it was a shallow and sadistic overhyped piece of arthouse crap that shouldn't have been considered for Best Picture even though it was (the old lady deserved her award though, she was good).

Posted by: Pig Lamp profile link at 01/24/09 8:40 AM  | Reply
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Requiem for a dream definately should be considered for THE HUNT. Althought it has a Wayne's brother, so it might be disqualified.

I pre-nominate Austrailia for whenever it comes out on DVD

Posted by: sarcasticmeow profile link  in reply to  Pig Lamp's comment at 01/26/09 3:55 AM  | Reply
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Good gravy, thank you! I'm glad someone out there felt the same way.

Posted by: Pig Lamp profile link  in reply to  sarcasticmeow's comment at 01/26/09 7:37 PM  | Reply
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cant wait for next week. srly, across the universe is the most overrated movie of all time

Posted by: gaby at 01/24/09 8:03 PM  | Reply
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Breakfast at Tiffany's! weird movie.

Posted by: Joker'sLady at 01/25/09 2:55 AM  | Reply
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Boobies. Has anybody nominated Lawnmower Man? It's got it all - the mental midget, the abusive clergyman, that guy from Remington Steele, monkeys (!!!), MILF sex fantasies, beefed up lawnmowers, stupid swat type guys, evil corporate America, monkeys(!!!), AND TRON-LIKE SPECIAL EFFECTS!!! Seriously, could you ask for anything more?

For that matter, can you do Tron? (and now I will get my a$$ handed to me on a platter)

Posted by: Dawn profile link at 01/25/09 8:12 AM  | Reply
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Oh god yes, I hated Requiem for a Dream. It was like a R rated afterschool special to show the kiddies that "drugs are bad!" So over the top. Ugh times ten thousand.

Posted by: jules at 01/31/09 1:49 AM  | Reply
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"The Fog" with Tom whatshisface from Smallville. WORST suspense movie ever. The supposedly resolutory ending made the movie even more convoluted.

Posted by: ck at 02/07/09 1:41 AM  | Reply
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The lead tag for this post should have been "Gang-Rape"

Posted by: BSAUCE profile link at 04/04/09 5:05 PM  | Reply
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OK, based on Gabe's desciption of this movie, I totally intended to watch and get all pissed off about the Gang Gang Rape.

Problem: There was no rape. The guys said, if you want to do this, roll the dice and sleep with that number of guys. Both girls said sounds good. Everyone was super drunk and high, so everyone is going in with bad judgement and CLASS WARFARE ISSUES.

Anne Hathaway has to sleep with one guy but bails midway thru and he's like "OK". Let's pause on that. This supposed rapist is about to have sex with a girl, she says oops I changed my mind and he's OK with that. WHAT A MONSTER?

Bijou has to have sex with 3 guys and enthusiastically begins to have sex with one of them. Then she enthusiastically begins to have sex with another one of them. Then there's a quick cut to her being DP'ed, she freaks out and so they stop. So we pause on that. She was into it, she was into it, then she wasn't into it and so they stopped. RAPE! (that's not rape).

I would say when a girl says "I will have sex with three of you", then jumps guy one and straddles him and has enthusiaistic sex, that would be the definition of "asking for it". Or else these are some piss-poor rapists, because I watch L&O Sexy Victims Unit and I can tell you that the rapists on there? When the girl says "STOP! NO! GET AWAY!", they don't do any of those things, which is what makes them rapists.

Posted by: katy at 06/01/09 11:45 PM  | Reply
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