Fox And Friends were so out of ideas yesterday that they invited three children -- two eleven year olds with college degrees and a home-schooled fourteen year old with loud opinions -- to argue about such topics as school choice on their show. The two prodigies were polite and mature in offering their solutions, but the other kid waved his arms wildly, spouted hackneyed right-wing talking points, and even called Obama "Barack HUSSEIN Obama." If the point was to show that children (or a child) can be as big of an ass on Fox News as the adults, well, that worked. I have the urge to slap this child, therefore Fox News is where he belongs.
At first glance, this ABC News Now (ABC's lifestyle cable network) interview with Hello Kitty, or, I'm sorry, a "pop culture journalist" lady who speaks for Hello Kitty, because Hello Kitty can only stand there, bow, and make "Oops!" gestures because she doesn't have a mouth, seems just funny because it exists. But nooooo, it's so much even stupider than that! These are two grown women (and someone in a Hello Kitty furry suit) who probably went to journalism school, and they're talking reverently about ("It's considered an honor to be involved with Hello Kitty") and interviewing an inanimate object. Ladies, look at yourselves! You're full grown adults! I truly believed that a network news organization would never ask a man to participate in a charade like this, but then I remembered pretty much everything Al Roker has ever done. Here's the interview with Hello Kitty that America apparently wants:
ABC's America This Morning, having exhausted all other attention-grabby ways of milking the swine flu craze, decided to just fuck it and show clips of Leno, Colbert, and Stewart joking about the potential epidemic. I don't know the names of these anchors, so I'm going to call them "Wincey" and "Eek.":
Granted, Colbert and Stewart were funny, but not really the answer to whatever producer yelled "Get me another Swine Flu story!" You stay classy, ABC News.
The Daily Show was off Monday night for no reason, so last night, when Jon Stewart launched into the show's lead story about the big pirate crisis that began last week, we could all be forgiven for thinking "Shit, Jon, everyone's already made all the jokes about this! Stop!" But once again TDS used their ever-growing timeliness handicap to their advantage with a two-part, hilarious pirate package that literally had something for everyone, including Muppet scat and a high-tech computer simulation of the rescue:
This morning Fox News did a seemingly-real story about a Michigan toddler named Liam who stood up at two days old, "has the quickness of a cat, and can lift his parent's couch." They brought on a former Yale doctor to talk about it, so I guess it's real, but since it's Fox, it's totally sensational. No word on whether the two-year-old also has an anger problem:
Be sure to watch for Bill Hemmer being a douchebag at the end. "I'm doing curls like that movie Ron Burgundy." It's not all about you and your misremembered favorite movie title, Bill Hemmer. Sometimes it's about the Incredible Hulk Boy.
Why, Fox News Business Analyst Dagen McDowell! Stop being so proud of that analogy! Though it's very 2009 of her. The 1850 version might have been "If you walk on the same side of the street as Uncle Sam without an escort, he will memorize the contours of your ankles and think about them later, while he is alone." Does Dagen kiss her Confederate Flag with that mouth?
Megyn Kelly, the Fox News anchor whose face and demeanor are as irritating on a visceral level as the thought of licking a dry popsicle stick, is super excited today because she just realized that the fictionalized outraged anchor in Britney Spears's "If You Seek Amy" video is directly quoting from her own freakout about the song back in January. Megyn chalks it up to Britney being a "fan" of her show, but she should probably get over herself. That's not it. And in a "surprise" turnaround, Megyn invites Britney onto her show, which is also not going to happen.
Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
If you are a sassy and sarcastic young man in an American sitcom who represents the sitcom writer's desire that a nerdy Jewish teenager can somehow be the desirable romantic hero in this world, then eventually you will get a...
I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're...
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....
