The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Round Two Late Additions
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
I'm coming to realize that I've set for myself an impossible task. I'm like Don Quixote facing off against the windmills, except that the windmills are really difficult to watch, and often the windmills have Bruce Willis or Dakota Fanning in them. The Hunt will never end. There will always be new terrible, terrible movies that require careful examination before they can be trustfully sunk to the bottom of Whoops Ocean. But Quixote's folly was his charm. I think. That book is so long, you guys. Who can remember? I'm not a book scientist.
I'm going out of town this weekend for the holiday (labor is the best, we should always celebrate it) and I'm going to take one blessed week off from The Hunt. Just one blissful sloppy-movie-free weekend without an interminable mis-guided passion project looming menacingly over my Sunday evening like Kathleen Turner loomed menacingly over Sly in the Babyco laboratory. Please forgive me. Besides, we're off Monday, so whatevs. You ain't care.
But, in preparation for what's to come (sadness, and hopefully death), it's time to finalize the Round Two list of nominations, which is as follows:
- Wicker Man
- Zardoz
- Crash (2004)
- K-Pax
- Hudson Hawk
- Mr. Brooks
- The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Since we are mostly through those, the late additions are as follows:
- Ultraviolet
- Boondock Saints
- Driven
- Spanglish
- Gigli
- Powder
- Elizabethtown
The nominations are in, and they look terrible. Good work everyone. I don't know how this happened, but I somehow watched Powder four times in college. It was on the dorm movie channel. It's going to be like visiting with an old friend who you always wanted to murder. You know, friendship stuff.
As always, please feel free to continue nominating films either in the comments or in an email, and if you have not done so, please consult the Official Rules:
- It cannot be intentionally horrible.
- It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (no "outsider art.")
- It cannot be Glitter.
- It has to have had a theatrical release.
- No matter how bad the movie, it cannot be based on a popular superhero.
- Gabe is the boss.
Have a great weekend, you guys. I know I will. For once.
Posted by Gabe at 1:30 PM in The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Bless your trampoline-accident-lovin' heart for including the two WMOAT entries that I'd been crowing about all too often. Take your weekend and enjoy it.
Score = 0
life
is
beautiful
Score = -1
Boondock Saints! yes! Finally! That movie is the worst... and I hate having to explain over and over how ridiculously terrible and racist and homophobic that movie is.
Thank you, Gabe.
Score = 0
Wow! TWO Sean Patrick Flanery movies. God help you.
Score = 0
I can't seem to confirm that it had a theatrical release, but you need to seriously consider the Whoopi Goldberg buddy-cop vehicle "Theodore Rex."
The Oscar winner plays Katie Coltrane, a fast talking, tough, streetwise, cop in a future where genetic science has allowed for the return of the dinosaurs. In order to investigate a murder, Whoopi is forced to work with her new partner, a six foot tall zany talking TRex who loves to eat chocolate chip cookies! They drive each other bananas! How will they ever get along in order to crack the case?! Armin Mueller-Stahl and Richard Roundtree flesh out the all star cast.
Score = 0
"Though originally intended for theatrical release, the film went direct-to-video, and consequently became the most expensive direct-to-video film ever made at the time of its release."
Score = 1
Too bad, Theodore Rex is srsly the Worst. Well, that makes more room for Man of the Year. You have to Gabe, it is unwatchable.
Score = 0
Wasn't there a lawsuit of some sort when Whoopi Goldberg tried to back out of making Theodore Rex? I'm pretty sure she was actually made to appear in that movie against her will. (Unlike "Eddie" and "The Associate", which she made of her own free will.)
Also, two more nominees: Pay It Forward and The Life of David Gale. I know you've already done K-Pax, but really, this whole thing could consist of Kevin Spacey's post-American Beauty films.
Score = 0
Yeah, there's gotta be at least one Robin Williams disaster on here. Consider:
Patch Adams.
Bicentennial Man.
Being Human.
(The aforementioned) Man of the Year.
License to Wed.
RV.
Father's Day.
Jack.
Toys.
You could do a whole round-robin series for this hack all by himself.
Score = 3
The Smokers. Seriously. It is a little iffy on some of your criteria--does playing the Santa Barbara Film Festival count as a theatrical release? And I don't know if you would consider either Dominique Swain, Busy Phillips, or Thora Birch to be B-list on their own, but combined, their miniwatt star power has to count for something. I promise you, it is worth it. Never have I seen a movie fail so utterly at absolutely everything. Bonus (negative) points for the incredibly squickifying rape scene.
Score = 0
Wise choice adding Ultraviolet... I can't wait to read the write-up on that. It's is unbelievably bad.
Score = 0
Havoc starring anne hathaway and bijou phillips talking jive, rich kids posing as how rich kids think gangbangers behave http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285175/
Score = 0
Rollerball remake. Nuff said.
Score = 0
I don't think that Spanglish and Elizabethtown are the worst movies. I think they are just the most boring movies that may or may not contain Orlando Bloom doing a bad american accent.
Score = 1
I have to nominate
YOU GOT SERVED
&
NEW YORK MINUTE
I mean, no one really expected these to be great pieces of cinema, but they were both dire failures - even in they're anticipated mediocrity.
Score = -1
is crossroads in the same pool as glitter?
Score = 0
Boondock Saints didn't have a theatrical release. It was supposed to, however the movie was pulled from theaters after Columbine. Dunno if this disqualifies it or not, figured I'd let you know.
Score = 0
Please choose Boxing Helena.
Julian Sands kidnaps Audrey Horne, amputates her arms and legs, and puts her in a box.
If that isn't enough there's a lot of B-side Tears for Fears, an inexplicable appearance by Art Garfunkel, and a full-frontal Bill Paxton.
Kim Basinger was sued for dropping out of this and that bitch made Cool World.
Score = 0
Please choose Boxing Helena.
Julian Sands kidnaps Audrey Horne, amputates her arms and legs, and puts her in a box.
If that isn't enough there's a lot of B-side Tears for Fears, an explicable appearance by Art Garfunkel, and a full-frontal Bill Paxton.
Kim Basinger was sued for dropping out of this and that bitch made Cool World.
Score = 0
I've learned long ago that a journey to find the worst movie is like being forced to endure forced laughter from art house scene people. There is no end for you. You must stop this madness before you are consumed.
lol @ whoever made the Cool World comment. You know when Kim Basinger turns down a role it has to be terribad.
Score = 0
Frailty. WTF.
Score = 0
Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence. I was stuck in a hotel room with HBO and I had to keep watching it just to say that I had seen the worst movie of all time.
Score = 1
Spanglish and Elizabethtown aren't that bad, more well-meaning and mediocre. The Butterfly Effect, on the other hand, is without a doubt, the worst movie ever ever of all time ever. Insultingly bad. Disgustingly bad. It made me lose faith in humanity--seriously, for days I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that anyone could be a part of something so awful and hateful and offensively bad. Please see it. Share my pain.
Score = 0
I have not personally seen it out of fear, but I have been told by many, many reliable sources that 'Bicentennial Man' is the most painfully, offensively terrible and boring thing ever put on film. I actually feel sort of bad suggesting it since - if the stories are true - telling someone to watch Bicentennial Man is like telling someone they should agree to let an elephant rape them for 48 hours.
I also agree with the Pay It Forward suggestion. Hilariously stupid movie. The whole Kevin Spacey/Helen Hunt romantic arc and the big, dramatic candlelight vigil at the end may be the lamest, corniest shit I've ever seen in a movie.
Score = 0
Lake Placid. David E. Kelley does a giant crocodile movie.
Any of the Scary Movies, but especially Scary Movie 2.
I couldn't even watch all of Cold Mountain, and that won Oscars. But then, so did Crash.
And 'All About The Guy'; Christina Ricci and Lisa Kudrow are in it, so it qualifies, and it was horrendous.
Score = 0
Vice Suad (1982). Somehow the film makers made violence against women funny. The writing, acting and directing are just that bad.
I knew it was something special when it starred Season Hubley (while she was stil married to Kurt Russell) as a prostitute named Princess, running from her abusive pimp, Ramrod, played by wild eyed over actor, Wings Hauser. [Season also played Priscilla to Kurt's Elvis in the 1979 TV movie, Elvis.]
Amazon provides the following description:
Season Hubley (HARDCORE) stars as Princess a loving single mom turned Hollywood hooker who can provide any depraved pleasure for the right price. But when a volatile cop (Gary Swanson) uses her to trap a sadistic killer Princess becomes the prey of a psychotic pimp known as Ramrod (a mind-blowing take-noprisoners performance by Wings Hauser). Tonight the neon jungle of Los Angeles will explode in an orgy of vengeance and violence. And the only outlaws more desperate than the hustlers whores and freaks that rule the streets are the VICE SQUAD. You may think you ve heard of every sickness and perversion movies like to titter about wrote Rex Reed in The New York Daily News but there are quite a few in VICE SQUAD you ve never dreamed possible! Pepe Serna (SCARFACE) and original MTV VJ Nina Blackwood co-star in this vicious 80s action smash from the creator of the schoolgirl hooker hit ANGEL and the director of DEAD & BURIED.
Score = 0
Bottoms Up. Paris Hilton kisses Jason Mewes (a.k.a. Jay of Jay and Silent Bob). It's inconceivable, and yet, it exists.
Score = 0
Straight-to-video. See rule 4.
But yes, this movie, as well as Pledge This! (another Hilton acting vehicle) fail on every possible level.
Score = 0
Aeon Flux needs to be in here.
Score = 0
This list needs Jean Claude Van Damme.
Double Team - with Dennis Fucking Rodman.
Knock Off - with Rob Fucking Schnieder.
Score = 0
21 with Kevin Spacey.
Score = 0
thank god Driven made it in...truly one of the WMOATs
Score = 0
Hollowman with Kevin Bacon? Or how about Hollowman 2? Sequels always make it.
dire.
Score = 0
If you've never seen Crackerjack you're missing out on life.
I believe it fits the bill. You have Christopher Plummer and Nastassja Kinski. You have a "cop with nothing to lose." It spawned two sequels, one starring Judge Reinhold. It's Die Hard on a ski resort with 1/8 of the budget.
You can get it on DVD. In Greece. Beyond that, you have to wait for HBO8 to play it at 2 in the morning.
Score = 0
I nominate the new King Kong. Yes I do.
And The Hottie and the Nottie.
Score = -1
Damn. "Manos Hands of Fate" has no star.
Score = 0
Boondock Saints was indeed straight-to-video in North America.
Score = 0
swordfish.
or anything else from travolta other than pulp fiction. but swordfish really stands alone.
Score = 0
Masters of the Universe!
He man was not a superhero, but this movie is sensational in how bad it is!
Score = 0
I dunno i think masters of the universe might have been so bad it was entertaining for it, to a certain extent :-)
Score = 0
Mathew Broderick, Maura Tierney, Brittany Snow, and Steve Coogan. So pointless and bad that it made me want to trepan my own skull.
Score = 0
i would like to nominate the remake of the time machine as well. So bad, and such a pointless exercise...
Score = 0
SWEPT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pleeeeeease
Score = 0
Might I suggest The Big Bounce (2004), which features Owen Wilson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Sinise, AND Willie Nelson? I got stuck on a bus home from Connecticut that was playing that movie and I thought I might have to bail out. What an unwatchable piece of shit.
Score = 0
I know that you said no movies based on a popular superhero, but Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is legitimately so bad you can't ignore it. Also, you said based on a POPULAR superhero, while the fantastic four isn't popular and isn't one superhero... it's four terrible ones. Around the scene where Jessica Alba reaches out to the intergalactal herald of destruction, who, like all heralds of destruction, rides a surf board, and asks him, "Why do you want to destroy us?" I realized that I could have spent the two hours watching that moving doing something more... rewarding, like torturing cats. (the silver surfer responds "I don't have a choice..." because really, he's quite the sensitive dude.) Actually, that's not true, I realized when there was a two minute long scene after Jessica Alba accidently gets the power to light herself on fire, where she thrashes around and screams hysterically, "I"M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!" (But actually, that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time...)
Did I mention that "The Thing" is madly in love with a hot blind black woman, who loves him even though he's just a hideous pile of orange rocks? She brings out his sensitive side.
and of course:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJqvNHI873Q&feature=related
Score = 0
oh, and spice world. and cheetah girls. and the new star wars film.
Score = 0
Fluke (1995) was so bad, I wanted to get up and throttle the projectionist. This is a movie about a man who dies and comes back as a DOG, for Christ's sake, and it manages to have no sense of humor about this. It's a DRAMA, folks!
Actually, for me, it was more like a trauma. My date, a dedicated animal lover, hated it worse than I did, and was actually angry with me for suggesting it. She was so angry with me that she refused to leave before the end of the picture, apparently to punish me.
A and B list stars include Matthew Modine, Nancy Travis, Samuel L. Jackson, Ron Perlman, and Eric Stoltz.
Score = 0
I know it doesn't qualify, but "Batman and Robin" was a landmark in the history of Bad Cinema. It marked the official return of "So Bad, It's Good Cinema". It was so bad, I saw it twice!
Score = 0
Fluke (1995) was so bad, I wanted to get up and throttle the projectionist. This is a movie about a man who dies and comes back as a DOG, for Christ's sake, and it manages to have no sense of humor about this. It's a DRAMA, folks!
Actually, for me, it was more like a trauma. My date, a dedicated animal lover, hated it worse than I did, and was actually angry with me for suggesting it. She was so angry with me that she refused to leave before the end of the picture, apparently to punish me.
A and B list stars include Matthew Modine, Nancy Travis, Samuel L. Jackson, Ron Perlman, and Eric Stoltz.
Score = 0
I vaguely remember being scarred by this movie as a child. To come back as the family dog.... and he died because he was selfish! (at least that's what I remember.)
Score = 0
Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. I was stuck seeing this piece of $*** on a flight from Newark to Rome, Italy--I wanted to shoot myself about 5 minutes into it. (Paul Rodriguez, Paul Hogan...and an appearance by Mike Tyson. ) This was awful.
Score = 0
So, I think Ratboy is officially the worst movie I have ever seen. I love awkward and campy 80's movies, but this one was literally torture. I want to nominate this as being the worst movie ever, worst acting, worst music, worst story, worst everything!
Good luck making it further than an hour, I certainly couldn't
Score = 0
i want to nominate three movies. the first two are "the order" and "love me if you dare". these movies have no redeemable qualities whatsoever. the third movie, "simply irresistible" is also really bad, but because it features a magical crab, i can't help but watch it every time it's on t.v. oh, and sean patrick flannery is in it, so it's just one more reason to add it to the pile of potential worsties.
Score = 1
Simply irresistible is like an extremely poor man's Like Water For Chocolate. But even that is an insult to Like Water... Simply Irresistible is bad. Really, really bad. That said, I think I saw it 10 times when I was 15. Made for teen girls, watched by teen girls. I don't think it's worth the WMOAT nomination, but trust me - not good.
Score = 0
wow how are you this fucking retardad???
Score = -3
WAITRESS.
WAITRESS.
WAITRESS.
Rollerball.
Score = 0
OMG I saw The House Bunny this weekend. It was not only the worst movie I've ever seen (yes, worse than Glitter or Gigli) but it was more offensive than Birth of A Nation and it was just legitimately upsetting. I like bad movies, but this one... hurt me.
Score = 0
A movie that contains the line: "Manhole. I like that word. Manhole." Is clearly the best movie of all time, not the worst.
Score = 0
grandma's boy? it's pretty fucking awful.
i can't believe you put boondock saints on there. for shame, gabe. for shame. powder was pretty good too.
Score = -1
"Patch Adams" and "Bicentennial Man" are horrible, all the more because every frigging scene in each movie is supposed to be incredibly profound and important and so help you if you don't agree. Bicentennial Man may have been a bit worse though, the romantic subplot will probably cause you to vomit.
I'd also like to point out that Molly Ringwald and Patrick Dempsy's "Face the Music" was god-awful: there is nothing quite like a romantic comedy where all the characters are hateful crap 'musicians.' Even the fact that it's filmed in some gorgeous rustic town in the Irish countryside can't make it bearable (I'm not even sure I managed to watch it to the end).
Score = 0
ED - Matt LeBlanc...monkey sidekick (minus Clint Eastwood or B.J.)...
Score = 1
Zardoz is NOT a bad movie. Insane, perhaps, but not bad.
And Wickerman? The original is entertaining at least. Haven't seen the remake but maybe that's what you're talking about.
To add: Wolf, Night of the Lepus (okay just kidding, that one's brilliant), Mighty Ducks 3 and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Also anything with Kevin Spacey, Robyn Williams, Morgan Freeman or Ed Harris.
Score = -1
how about Flash Gordon (1980)? Queen did the entire soundtrack. Its incredible.
another good one is Time Cop with Jean Claude Van Damme
Score = 0
Kangaroo Jack (2003)... I was flying NYC to LA and I was forced to be in the prescence of it TWICE. Needless to say it almost crashed the plane. Jerry O'Colnnell and anthony anderson star... Here is the abstract: "Two childhood friends, a New York hairstylist and a would-be musician, get caught up with the mob and are forced to deliver $50,000 to Australia, but things go haywire when the money is lost to a wild kangaroo". AMAZING!!!
Score = 0
Red Dawn--it goes back aways, but it's a true howler. A young Patrick Swayze and Harry Dean Stanton fight off a Commie invasion of the USA (which is made possible by gun control).
I've always had a special hate on for Domenick and Eugene, with Ray Liotta and Tom Hulce. Tom plays a mentally-challenged individual precisely as Ben Stiller would later do in Tropic Thunder.
Score = 0
The only problem with this suggestion is that Red Dawn is hilarious.
Score = 0
Volcano. They stopped a lava flow with jersey barriers. Plus, Tommy Lee and everyone's favorite lunatic Anne Heche.
Score = 0
Crash? You've got to be kidding me!
Score = 0
Black and White. It failed on all levels. I'm not sure if there was even a script, since everyone just kind of wandered around that movie saying and doing totally random things. Robert Downey Jr hitting on Mike Tyson and getting slapped? WTF. So many random "celebrities" in it like Claudio Schiffer and Rakweon. OK, then.
Crash sucked too and here's why: both movies try for some huge statement about race but come off with paper thin, sloppy stereotypes that are even more insulting.
I had a negative visceral reaction to both movies, that stuck with me for a while. I'm getting a little grumpy just thinking about it.
Score = 0
Please take on Diary of a Mad Black Woman. The movie is terrible in its own right but it deserves extra credit for giving Tyler Perry the opportunity to release another version of the same film every 6 months.
Score = 0
I would have to nominate Beowulf, the computer animated version. I don't actually know how I survived watching it.
Score = 0
Why hasn't anyone nominated the American Idol failure that was From Justin to Kelly? Wasn't it in the box office for like...two weeks?
Score = 0
Ok, so I don't know why anyone hasn't suggested the 2006 action bonanza "Crank." It stars Jason Statham and Amy Smart with appearances by Dwight Yoakam and Efren "Pedro" Ramirez........
This movie is about a man who is poisoned and must keep his adrenaline levels up or he will die. This leads to pointless action and even an in-public sex scene!!! amazingly awful. It meets all the rules, and it even has a sequel coming out this year so it would be a good time to praise the first one's terribleness!!!!!!
Score = 0
OMG OMG OMG. You must do "The Sweetest Thing." I totally forgot about it until I just remembered (I should be a professor of logic, too!). Cameron Diaz, Selma Blair, Christina Applegate... they sing(ish) a five-minute song in a Chinese restaurant about penises. The actresses wrote the song themselves. Automatic WMOAT entry, with honors.
Score = 0