The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: I Know Who Killed Me
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
Out of all the possible Worst Movies of All Time so far, none has been as painful to actually watch as I Know Who Killed Me. From its free-form "jazz" editing to its extended torture scenes to the chain-smoking divorcee voice of Lindsay Lohan, I found myself actually turning away from the screen at times, wondering why I was being punished for abandoning my true talent (SPOILER) to write about this. I do not know who nominated this one, but do not be surprised if you wake up in a ditch one day. Because I murdered you. Because you made me watch this. Because it's horrible.
I Know Who Killed Me starts with a standard horror-thriller plotline. A high school girl, Aubrey, is abducted by a serial killer who tortures his victims with blown glass objects that he seems to have patterned off of his favorite World of Warcraft weaponry before abandoning them to die. But then Aubrey is found by the side of the road, alive, with a hand and a leg missing, and she's like "My name is Dakota, and I'm a stripper, and you're not my mom, my mom was a crackhead." Everyone thinks that Aubrey has repressed her horrible experience and created an alternate persona, but Dakota is like "Look, I smoke cigarettes and I hate cats, but Aubrey didn't smoke cigarettes and loved cats, so obviously we're different." Still, she's the only one who can find the killer, who is still at large. But then at the end of the movie the twist is that SPOILER ALERT Dakota and Aubrey are magical twins and the killer turns out to be a member of the Blue Man Group and basically it's Parent Trap but with murder?
This movie has the notoriety that many of the Worst Movies have (an 8% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes, the most Razzie Awards in history) and rightfully so. The only thing worse than an amnesia plotline is an unknown twin plotline. And the only thing worse than both of those is a movie where it's obvious that the director had a girlfriend in high school that he wanted to fuck and/or murder, so he subjects the audience to extended scenes of Lindsay Lohan stripping and getting mutilated. Dude, couldn't you have just drunk dialed your ex and left the rest of us out of it?
Not that the movie is without its sense of humor. For example, Dakota uses Ask Jeeves.
That's funny. Also anything involving her prosthetic hand.
Aubrey, we are told over and over again, was a promising young writer, as evidenced by her short story called "Dakota."
Aubrey actually stole the sentence "she'd been hoping she [sic] biological mother would turn out to be, oh, Cameron Diaz or Gwen Stefani" from F. Scott Fitzgerald, which is why her piano teacher turned into a serial killer, because he hates when people give up piano to plagiarize geniuses.
It was hard to find a scene that would really give you a sense of just how deep you'd want to drive your blown-glass serated hand-sword into your eye, but this one seems to combine the grossness of the horror sequences with the horror of Lohan's acting sequences.
I think that last line was directed at anyone who paid to see this.
The worst part of the whole thing was how Netflix be playing games.
Go fuck yourself, Netflix.
Next Week: The Number 23. As always make your suggestions for TWMOAT in the comments or in an email. If you have not before, please consult the Official Rules.
Posted by Gabe at 3:15 PM in The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Tags: I Know Who Killed Me | Lindsay Lohan
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This truly has to be one of the worst movies ever. I felt like I was constantly being punched in the face with the color blue (whenever there was a scene with Aubrey there was a lot of blue stuff and whenever it involved Dakota there was a lot of red stuff? I think? Whatever, it was terrible and retarded).
My favorite line was when Aubrey's boyfriend was feeling her up in science class and she was like, "Is that all I am to you? Something to help you relax before the big game?". Worst movie ever.
Score = 0
It wasn't even good in a laughing at it sort of way?
Score = 0
It really wasn't.
Score = -1
You could occasionally laugh at it, but for every time that you'd laugh at it, there would be a horrifyingly realistic close-up of a rotted black finger being chopped off, peeled away from, or sewn back onto a rotted black hand. Also, 85% of the movie was Lindsay Lohan writhing and moaning as pieces of her body were slivered off in nasty crunching black chunks. It was gross.
But I guess there was some funny stuff too, like how Lindsay was the slowest moving stripper of all time.
Score = 0
Ugh, the black fingers... this movie was just disgusting.
Score = 0
This assessment is hands down the best breakdown of this terrible, terrible film. The sole reason that I netflix-ed it was because I thought that it would be hilarious. WRONG! It was literally painful to watch even though I played free cell the entire time it was on. Until Gabe's review, I didn't know they were two separate people. I just gave up and waited for the credits to roll.
Score = 0
Who did Julia Ormand & Neil McDonough piss off to end up in this p.o.s.? And I pity you in advance for having to watch "The Number 23." There are not words for how awful that one is. Have fun! :)
Score = 0
My sister and I watched this movie last week in an "altered state" and I think that was the only way I could have taken it. The worst part, to me, was the UNNECESSARY torture. I have a whole theory on how the movie is the representation of the way that people want to see Lindsay Lohan: a sex object or being tortured.
Score = 2
best part of this movie (2 parts) A.) There's a dead meadow song used B.) the plot is basically the same as an old Goosebumps Book/episode. the story of a piano teacher who is actually a machine, its weird. try to find it.
Score = 2
I am so tempted to download this. Does she get naked? That will be the deciding factor.
Score = 1
this is the worst trainwreck i have ever watched.... excelent review! spot on. but i didnt notice if you mentioned the horrible reb/blue color wash content... that was offensively primative
but there was also and melvin's track and a trans am track, and that makes me even sadder because i love those tracks, and now it will take months of brainwashing to disassociate them with Lin-Lo stripping like an opium addict
Score = 1
I actually have a soft spot in my heart for this movie. The gratuitous stripper scenes are amazing, especially when she taps her ass against the pole. I do not think it can be the worst of all time.
Then again I did see it with a bunch of drunk hipsters at BAM which probably made it more enjoyable.
Score = 1
I was also at this viewing, which might have fueled my bias toward it. It was hilarious and fun to watch - especially in that huge Lohan-loving group.
Score = 0
My friend Lori saw this movie in the theater. With her parents. Who got into a fight with a woman for sneaking in her entire extended family. Then she wrote a really funny review of if:
http://mylifeissoawkward.tumblr.com/post/21613000/special-guest-film-critic-lori-on-i-know-who-killed
Score = 1
Did you never see The Never Ending Story 3, starring Jack Black????
Score = 0
The best part of this movie is easily that cat's balls.
Score = 0
I'd like t nominate Drive Me Crazy....it doesn't sound like it could top this by any means, but I was home sick today watching it on cable and its convoluted take on conformity and overuse of the word 'scam' and the kids parents move in together at the end and AH GOD!!! It was bad. In a different way than blackened fingers....but bad.
Score = 0
Have you ever checked out Manos: Hands of Fate? That's GOT to be in the running for worst movie of all time.
Score = 2
I'd like to nominate the movie Beerfest. One of the only movies that was so bad, I actually couldn't finish.
Score = 0
The only thing that would have saved this movie is if the animatronic prosthetic hand had accidentally over-gripped Lohan's sex partner (worst stumpy sex scene ever), replete with the ridiculous robot noise that was edited in whenever the hand moved.
Score = 0
Has anyone nominated "The Other Sister"? That definitely should be on the list. If I Am Sam is in the running, this definitely should.
Score = 0
I nominate The Adventures of Pluto Nash to be in the running. I can't believe that nobody has nominated it yet. I wonder if that many people forgot how bad it was?
Score = 0
I nominate Last Tango in Paris - get the butter!
Score = 0
It must be Pulse. Watching that movie is how Houdini died.
Score = 0
I can't believe that "Gigli" hasn't been at least nominated as the Worst Movie in the World. While "Revolver" may not be the WORST, it's certainly terrible.
And with his new movie, "The Happening", M. Night should have the distinction of being the only director with two movies on the list.
Score = 0
Truly a pathetic attempt at a gorno. I liked the Architecture in Helsinki song, but I hated that it was actually in the movie (I'm sure J up there agrees with me). Oddly enough, the same song was used in the movie Man of the Year, with Robin Williams. I'd nominate that movie as well.
Score = 0
Anything after Lady in the Water is gravy. (Lumpy, disgusting gravy) The first two minutes of that were enough to clue me into the fact that Shymalan had gone completely insane. Narfs?
Score = 0
this is a seriously hilarious review. i haven't even seen the film and i'm at work dying.
Score = 0
I thought it was hysterical
Score = 0
Ma Mere is possibly the worst movie of all time. Look into it, pleez.`
Score = 0
You are on the wrong track altogether with this quest. Please try the WORST movie EVER made in the history of cinema:
Zardoz (1974) starring Sean Connery and some mean red lederhosen, not to mention a giant head shouting, "The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds!"
Score = 0
Gabe, may I suggest Wicker Man starring Nick Cage.
Score = 0
i would like to nominate "flakes" starring zooey deschanel and some half-whiskered college guy and also christopher lloyd(?). i made the mistake of renting it on a whim.
i am fairly certain it was an incredibly unsuccessful hour and a half long commercial for kellog's. no, but seriously horrendous. also, it's a BLOCKBUSTER EXCLUSIVE. get em while it's hot!
Score = 0
Starcrash (1978) [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079946/] is my personal bottom of the barrel film that has something for everyone to hate: David Hasselhoff pre-KITT AND pre-acting lessons, Christopher Plummer's worst performance of his brilliant career, a flat 3.0 rating on the IMDB, cheapo Italian production values and special effects that makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Star Wars by comparison, I could go on and on....
Completely bereft of Razzie nominations (only because they didn't start until 1981), this putrid representation of an hour and a half I'll never see again actually managed to get nominated for a Saturn award for Best Foreign Film !! I can only guess that the original Italian soundtrack actually contains an intriguing intellectual subplot entirely mistranslated by the English language editors when it was redubbed for the North American market.
Definitely worth a rental if you are serious about uncovering the worst of the worst, but as no self-respecting video store wold keep a copy of this, unless as a door stop, you will likely have to either download it from a 39-year old sci-fi fan still living in his parent's basement, or discover an old Betamax copy laying at the bottom of a box of 8-track tapes, pet rocks and mood rings at the saddest garage sale in buttf**k, USA.
You have been warned!
Score = 0
the studio honcho must have thought america had a burning desire to lindsay lohan get chopped up -- a reasonable assumption given that house of wax did as well as it did because of paris hilton's death scene.
Score = 0
I can't believe Glitter has been included in your list.
I mean, really, that movie is... horrendous!
Score = 0
I LOVED IT SO LEAVE IT ALONE GOD!!!
Score = 0
"Dakota and Aubrey are magical twins and the killer turns out to be a member of the Blue Man Group and basically it's Parent Trap but with murder?"
that sounds fucking sweet.
Score = -1
I felt like I had the entire running time of this movie stolen from my life, then had it stabbed with a Giant blue World of Warcraft rogue dagger that effectively leaves you wounded like a horrible crack whore stripper who ruins a couple of really good songs by attempting to strip around V E R Y slowly in entirely too many clothes making the rest of the crack whore strippers in this world look beautiful and talented...I feel violated severely and left for the dogs. The ending was the absolute worse. May the writer of this storyline die in a fire.
Score = 1