I know that there is still some confusion about how The Hunt works, as evidenced by numerous comments each week, and I suppose that I am doomed to keep explaining the rules, ))<>((, since we will inevitably have new readers who don't know what is what, and who will not bother to find out what is what on their own. (On a similar note, people can stop suggesting I Know Who Killed Me now, because I already did I Know Who Killed Me.) It seems especially fitting to go over this today since Crank has turned out to be a very controversial nominee. Many people have been very scared about what might be said about their precious, precious Crank. Either that, or very derisive in what they assumed would be a self-imploding shit show wherein I make it very clear that I have never known what the fuck I am talking about and everyone laughs at me because this is Crank's world and I only live in it, because apparently Crank, in some people's eyes, is an unimpeachable work of incredible art, and only a fool would ever dare to even talk about it lest God cut the tongue from his mouth (with heaven lazers? I don't know). Well, so a couple of things about that:
1. The whole point of The Hunt is to find the Worst Movie of All Time, not to simply survey already known bad movies. Read the rules! The point, though, is that any movie is a valid nominee to this nightmare quest. And if a movie that you happen to like turns up on the list, it doesn't mean that it's definitely going to be a terrible movie. If you are right, you should not be scared. Put your movie in the Dune itchy box. We will see if it gets the vivid blue spice eyes.
2. Crank is definitely not an unimpeachable work of incredible art.
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Crank...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Amy Smart | Crank | Jason Statham
latest by annyonghermano
Oh, white people. Will we ever tire of complaining about the aches and pains of our petty bourgeois existence? Boo hoo hoo, the line at the iPhone store was too long. Boo hoo hoo, the barista got the ratio of espresso to ice in my iced Americano wrong. Boo hoo hoo, the cuff-links I ordered on-line weren't shipped overnight, and then they went to my apartment when I meant to have them delivered to the office, and I don't have a doorman at my apartment, so I had to call UPS and give them an alternate address and they said they couldn't redeliver until tomorrow morning. This is worse than apartheid!
Makes me sick to my stomach (which is full of foie gras and root beer floats and money).
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Margot At The Wedding...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Jack Black | Jennifer Jason Leigh | Margot At The Wedding | Nicole Kidman | Noah Baumbach
latest by buenosueno
[Ed. note: due to a Netflix goof, this week's TWMOAT nominee, Margot at the Wedding, will be next week's TWMOAT nominee. And what was supposed to be next week's nominee will be discussed this week. Important, startling information! But just in case there was any confusion.]
Madonna in 2009 looks like a leather sack stretched tightly over a homemade sculpture of a Velociraptor made out of broken sticks, chicken bones, and Terminator parts. But this was not always the case! She used to be a human woman, with soft skin and actual hair and a face and everything. Those days, of course, are long gone, drifting into the thick smoky haze rising off of the clay pot where she mixed the bat wings and the blood of the innocent in her cursed spell of everlasting life. But you can still catch a glimpse of her, the Madonna that was, in movies like Desperately Seeking Susan. So young! So bad at acting! So what! It's just nice to be reminded that there was a human being under the exoskeleton of desperation and Skynet Patented Real-Flesh Organic Compound. Even monsters used to have dreams!
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Desperately Seeking Susan...
Posted by Gabe at 5:52 PM in
Tags: Aidan Quinn | Desperately Seeking Susan | John Turturro | Laurie Metcalf | Madonna | Rosanna Arquette | Steven Wright
latest by Oh, Inverted Penis
Regardless of what Reign Over Me actually is as a movie, it has a built-in tragic flaw. Even if it was the most incredibly moving drama (it's not) that featured the most incredible performances (it doesn't) and the most stunning cinematography (whatever) and an incredible soundtrack (decent, but trying too hard), the simplest one-line description of the movie is and would always be this:
Adam Sandler's 9/11 movie.
And there is absolutely no way to read that sentence without thinking that Reign Over Me is ridiculous and unnecessary. It's not exactly ridiculous. It's definitely unnecessary. Most importantly, though, it could have been a lot worse. SURPRISE!
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Reign Over Me...
Posted by Gabe at 6:15 PM in
Tags: Adam Sandler | Don Cheadle | Reign Over Me | September 11th
latest by Gabe
Ugh. You know, not everything has to be adapted into a movie. Someone should tell Hollywood about this fun fact. I love Monopoly (C.R.E.A.M.), but I'm more than happy to leave it as a funtimes party game for the whole family, and keep Gordon Gecko as Uncle Monopoly out of it. Was it always like this? Someone call their grandpa and find out if it was always like this. I'm willing to believe that it was always like this, but Barack Obama is president now, so it's time for us to move forward as a people. We are mature enough as a nation and a culture that we should be able to say "Hey, how about we don't make Diet Pepsi: The Movie." Obviously, I understand why someone got confused and thought Max Payne was a good idea for a movie. We've all been up at three in the morning playing our Playstation 2 with Cheetoes-stained fingers thinking "This would be great if I could just lay here and didn't have to move my fingers so much." America is #1. Then again we've also all been up at three in the morning playing our Playstation 2 with Cheetoes-stained fingers and thinking, "They should make a movie about how great your bare feet feel when you rub them into the carpet, starring Zoe Saldana without any clothes" (all of us have thought this, without exception) and Hollywood is smart enough to know that they don't need to spend millions of dollars turning that into a huge disappointment, so they're not ALL dumb.
Anyway, Max Payne was a very bad movie. Let us talk about why.
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Max Payne...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Beau Bridges | Chris O'Donnell | Ludacris | Mark Wahlberg | Max Payne | Mila Kunis | Videogames
latest by o_0__8__0_o
When I was in high school and college (that's right, college!) I often imagined taking my 200 dollars out of the bank (that's right, 200 dollars!) or whatever, and disappearing. There is a romantic notion to cutting ties with everyone you know, and everything that you have been, and blazing a new trail. I'm not showing off. I know that having felt this way doesn't make me unique or cool or rebellious. It makes me have been someone who was in high school and college, whose head was filled with high school and college thoughts. Because that's what that is. It's childish. As you learn in GRADUATE SCHOOL, you can't escape who you are. And a lot of the desire for totally abandoning your life can be appeased with a one week vacation. After a few days you're pretty ready to be back in your own apartment with all of your stuff. It's like they always say, traveling is like houseguests which are like fish: they mostly stink. You know that old expression.
The point is: someone should have told Wong Kar Wai that instead of making My Blueberry Nights, he could have just taken a road trip and saved us all the trouble.
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: My Blueberry Nights...
Posted by Gabe at 5:47 PM in
Tags: Cat Power | Jude Law | My Blueberry Nights | Natalie Portman | Norah Jones | Pie | Rachel Weisz | Wong Kar Wai
latest by Napoleon Complex
Ladies, the movies that are made with you in mind are categorically terrible. Hollywood's just not that into you! Take back the movie night! Other slogans borderline-offensively repurposed to make a joke about "chick flicks"! Seriously, though, you should be offended. Movies for women are embarrassing. And it's not just that I'm not the intended audience, or that I don't get it. I actually like romantic comedies, AS JUST ONE SOMEWHAT CONDESCENDING EXAMPLE. Sure, I'm willing to believe that in some cases there is an exploration of emotional and/or experiential situations that I, as a man, cannot relate to. "Where are all the robots?" "None of their cars are on fire!" But usually that's not even the issue. The shit is just lazy. The writing is trite. The acting is overly broad. The close ups are all of shoes. Literally. Doesn't that bother you? I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of movies that are supposed to appeal to "men" that aren't equally lazy and stupid, but most movies are supposed to appeal to "men." Sorry about that. Still, your ratios are all off. You've got to get your ratios together. And you can rail against the patriarchal system all you want, but more often then not these films are FWBW. The enemy within!
Hanging Up is your fault!
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Hanging Up...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Diane Keaton | Hanging Up | Lisa Kudrow | Meg Ryan | Women
latest by Ballroom Pink
The idea that politicians lie is as old as the idea of politicians. We all know that. But there's an equally compelling idea, especially in Hollywood, that at some point a politician will come along who will just tell it like it is. The oldest example is probably Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and by "probably" I of course mean "I'm not going to actually do any research on this." The point is that people seem to love movies* in which a president or senator opens all the sheeple's eyes to the obvious truth that we all know in our hearts. This is how we got the movie Dave, and the previous Hunt nominee Man of the Year.
Perhaps the worst of these movies is Bulworth.
Continue reading The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Bulworth...
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in
Tags: Bulworth | Halle Berry | Racism | Warren Beatty
latest by boots
