At least you don't have to go with her to the studio every night anymore. There was a time earlier in the relationship when there was an expectation on her part and a feeling of obligation and romantic duty on your part to be supportive through your constant presence. She explained that she was really only dancing for you, and you were trying to prove that you were a good lover. Also you guys call each other lovers. Constantly. The video camera was a stroke of genius, though. When you gave it to her for your 10th anniversary, she knew just what to do with it. You still have to sit with her every night on the couch and watch the videos together before heading upstairs to make love, but it's given you time to pursue some of your other interests, like dialysis, and getting enough fiber in your diet.
"Come to bed. What do you mean, you 'can't'? What do you mean, 'Champ needs you'? Champ did not have a hard day! No he didn't! No, you cannot feel a lot of tension and knots in Champ's haunches. Look, you've been petting him for four hours--fine, massaging. What? Well, I'm sorry. I didn't intend to demean what you do. I know that it's more than petting. Are you crying? Will you stop crying, please. Why are you crying? If you are upset with me, would you please talk to me directly, and stop filtering everything through Champ. No Champ doesn't think that. No, you think that. Well just say so. I'm not going to apologize to Champ. No. Because I don't owe him an apology. Because he's a cat. You know, when you say 'he's a cat, but he's also a human being, and a true friend,' it makes you sound crazy. I just want you to know that, in case you ever think about saying something like that in front of other people. Well, for one, because he's not a human being. That's like the biggest reason. Will you just come to bed now? You can massage Champ's temples in the morning. You can release the stress in Champ's tail in the morning, please. I love you and I want to have sex with you."
--You
In 2007, you went on a backpacking trip through Europe for two weeks (you remember. 2007? JEAN LUC?!). You told your girlfriend about it numerous times, and called her to tell her goodbye before you left. But somehow, she didn't realize you were gone. And so she began sending you emails, and calling your cell phone, which was turned off. Needless to say, things went downhill from there rather quickly. Her emails got more and more frantic and accusatory. Eventually they turned from pleading and sad and confused to angry and vengeful and mean. She fucked some dude? Yikes. Relationships are hard! And then you got back and read all the emails and made a video about it.
Man, Katherine Heigl is totally your girlfriend. Here, the makers of her new film, The Ugly Truth (which looks great*, btw, you must be very proud), Kristen Smith and Karen McCullah Lutz, talk a little bit about your girlfriend's impressive ability to come up with super great ideas:
The Wrap: Katherine Heigl has a reputation for speaking her mind -- did she weigh in on the script at all? Kristen Smith: She's smart, so she was a voice to be trusted. She had some really fun ideas -- which we implemented. Karen McCullah Lutz: Yeah, she wanted her character to be obsessed with flossing, so we added that in.
Sometimes you and your girlfriend, Katherine Heigl, will go to Barnes and Noble and just sit in the cafe reading science magazines (the smartest type of magazine) for hours. You used to enjoy playing Trivial Pursuit but it's not fun anymore because Katherine Heigl, your girlfriend, knows everything. Your nickname for her is The Whiz Kid. Because of how she's a genius. (The Wrap via Mark Lisanti)
*Remember after Knocked Up how Katherine Heigl, your girlfriend, complained about the movie being sexist? They call her Guns on set because of how she's always standing by them.
Whoops, Mariah Carey, this is your new music video:
I know that rich and/or famous people eventually enclose themselves in a disorienting bubble of "yes men," echoing with reassurances that their grandiose senses of self-importance are reasonable and justified, that their every idea is fresh off the assembly line at the Genius Factory, this bubble floating along in a lukewarm stream of near-uninterrupted leisure. And I know that in the dark nights of the lonely soul, alienated from the very people whose adoration they now require in ever-increasing amounts just to feel normal, it can be difficult for even the very sane and the very rational multi-millionaire/celebrity to keep their wits about them. It is the price of their fame, the dangerous result of their success.
But this is ridiculous. Someone just tell her no when she gets like this. Surely her purse dog has a yoga instructor or someone like that she can trust.
"Hey, Mariah Carey, how about no."
--Grizz
"Live every week like it's No Week, Mariah Carey."
--Dot Com
It's probably mean to videotape your friend who's lost in her own little brown-acid world of saying "boom boom boom" over and over, but since we never see her face, this makes a nice little anti-psychedelic PSA. Acid and camping do not mix, kids:
And if this video ends up getting viral, maybe there can be a "boom boom boom we're all gonna die" T-shirt! (But seriously, I do hope she was okay.) (Thanks for the tip, Randall!)
Uh oh. Videogum is about to face some formidable competition in the battle to be the media outlet that most carries on the middle school That's Your Boyfriend/That's Your Girlfriend tradition. Yesterday, CNN's Andrea Koppel interviewed a, um, young redneck gentleman whose claim to fame was dragging (and dropping) a live missile his friend caught while fishing. Afterwards, Rick Sanchez compared the young redneck gentleman to guys Andrea has dated, and it just got even more immature from there. These people are supposed to be professionals!
I apologize for everything I've done today to turn this website into a den of gross, but just count your blessings that you didn't watch this over breakfast this morning, as I did. There is certainly nothing wrong with two pregnant women dancing. There is, however, probably something wrong with two pregnant girls, which they appear to be, dancing, and at any rate, there's something wrong with anyone dancing to the song "Fergalicious." This is both creepy and mesmerizing, and if I just think it's gross because of my puritanical hang-ups, I'm totally fine with that.
The Terminator trudged along the wooded path towards the lake, his gun dangling by his side, the taunts still ringing in his hypersensitive bionic ears. He stared at the ground as he walked, and didn't even bother scanning anything with...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
Do you ever eat foods that you know you don't like, just to remind yourself why you don't like them? I think that's a good thing to do sometimes! The worst case scenario is that you might momentarily have a...
Last weekend, something strange happened. Some of the Videogum Monsters created their own secret, password-protected chat room. In 2009! Incredible! I suppose every monster has his cave, or whatever. As it turned out, though, we already had a Videogum Chat...
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
I went to see Where the Wild Things Are on Saturday, but it was sold out. Ay-ay-ay. That was a surprise! I mean, anticipation for this movie seemed pretty high, but anticipation for lots of movies seems high, especially when...
