Videogum's Teen Korner: Cool Vampires And Werewolves Only Drink Vitamin Water
LA Gear!
Listen, fresh dudes who respect girls and want everyone to be treated equally, and proud young women who know that they are in charge of their own destinies (which could even include being the first female president some day!), I know that you get rapped at all the time. Your teachers are always rapping at you about the importance of studying hard. Your parents are always rapping at you about staying away from drugs. Your local community theater troupe is always rapping at you during special afternoon performances that get you to of Civics Class (nice!) about the dangers of unprotected sex. With all that rapping, it can be pretty tough to just BE YRSELFZ. Facebook! And then you've got big corporations rapping at you about their new products. As if you can't see right through them. We all know that marketing is just about getting you to buy junk you don't need. No way, JoseCorp! Not chill! Keep your raps for your sheepholders meetings!
But I do want to take one second to just get real, with you guys. Just kick it, you know. It's like world famous superstar Jamie Kennedy always says, "KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL." I want to kick it with you about a product that I think you're going to see is not only cool, but it is into the things you're into, which is namely Twilight and vampires and werewolves and making awkward love when your parents are on a vacation to rekindle their marriage.
I'm rapping, of course, about Vitamin Water:
DA BOOOOOOOOOOOOMB.
You are crazy for this one, Tay! Lor Lautner!
Some thirsts can never be quenched, like Vitamin Water's thirst for terrible metaphors. This is one of the funniest ads that I have ever seen. "Tastes like raging hormones and sexual confusion." And that's fresh! (Via Vulture.)
Posted by Gabe at 2:45 PM in Free Advertising, Teen Korner
Tags: LOLk | New Moon | Teenagers | Twilight | Vampires | Vitamin Water | Werewolves
"Vitamin Water protects you like werewolves do" - Vitamin Water's new slogan
Score = 10
that's actually a far better slogan than "get your vitamins, you need them".
Score = 9
"and eat your vegetables, 'cause they're good for you, plus it's your turn to bathe Grandma. Go Team Edward!"
Score = 3
There's a bright yellow variety? Werewolf hormones direct from the source.
Pee-pee get it?
Urine.
No electrolytes no sale buddy.
Score = 8
TWILIGHT TWO: TWO NEW TWO MOON. NOW W/ SO MUCH MORE VITAMIN O+ AMIRITE? XBOX!
Score = 4
I'm glad I'm no longer a teenager, because the thought of large corporations (rape-)raping at me is quite disturbing. (I may have (intentionally) misread the above post).
Nested
Score = 9
I read it exactly the same way. And I thought it was a horrible allusion to the gang rape at that homecoming dance, and then I hated myself for even thinking for a second. Sorry to pull you all into my circle of pain.
Score = 5
This is almost as bad as the All About Steve/Long John Silver's tie in.
Score = 6
so drinking vitamin water will give me a six pack and the abilitiy to turn into a werewolf? antioxidants are so rad!
Score = 9
Speaking from experience, the XXX flavor quenches my thirst for pornography.
Score = 11
Glad I missed the Schindler's List one.
Score = 5
On my countdown to New Moon forum we were chattin about how great vitamin water was, and then a thought occured to me, i dont really like vitamin water, i quickly realized though that it was endorsed by New Moon, so of course i like it! Must have been my hormones
Score = 6
If that stuff gets blessed then their thirst is quenched forever!
Score = 3
I want to pour some vitamin water on Robert Pattinson's head just to see his reaction.
Score = 1
SPOILER ALERT: it'll be sexy.
Score = 1
First the vampires don't have fangs. Then they walk and "glitter" in the sun. Then the jocks hang out in the woods without their shirts, and change into warewolves in the afternoon or whenever they feel like it. The twilight moms have sparkle vampire vibes, and the boys have vampire fleshlights. Now the vitamin water...I'm so...exhausted.
Score = 8
vitamin water would be better if you could drink it out of the carton NO MOM I DONT NEED A GLASS
Score = 6
You gotta give them props for propping up the Werewolf.jpg FX by using even worse (better?) photoshopping for the bottles themselves. What, was the Industrial Twilight and Magic team too busy working on the maenad effects for Twilight 3(-D) to pitch in on this commercial? How about a little Synergy (Magazine)! Oops, probably a spoiler alert back there. There has to be maenads in Twilight 3, right? That's the rule?
Score = 6
Good GOD that shot of Robert Pattinson's heavily powdered torso was horrifying. Vitamin Water eyewash to scour the image from my brain (roofies flavor for extra-forgetting).
Score = 6
i'm more consistently amused by his ridiculous lipstick.
Score = 4
I know. I saw his makeup and was like "he looks like a drag queen." Or rather, "a drag queen would be horrified by his makeup."
Score = 0
i read "good god" as "god god" like "rarpe-rape"... and was confused.
Score = 1
Vitamin Water
Season Three of Gossip Girl
Too high-brow for you?
Score = 4
Vitamin Water Exec: We were wondering, could the big fight scene happen in one of our Vitamin Water production facilities? How about the vampire kid and the werewolf kid are blocking each of there bites with our plastic bottle product?
Score = 1
"LA Gear!" made me giggle like the 14 year old girl I am that didn't even get that joke.
Score = 6
I wish I had the tech-savvy (as we teens say) to create some sort of image of all the shirtless werewolves pouring vitamin water all over their hardened nubile teen bodies.
Score = 3
i bought twilight branded candies to give out saturday, mostly because the teen korner has helped me keep my finger on the pulse of youth culture. now theyll never tp my house again. thanks videogum!
Score = 4
predictions of how they'll show vitamin water in the movie... ? i'm guessing someone makes some comment about how it's more tasty than blood. PLEASE let that happen. i will clap.
Score = 3
Psh, I have been drinking Vitamin Water for two years and have never ONCE turned into a werewolf. False advertising, dudes & dudettes.
Score = 3
I will never love another commercial like I love Rhett and Link's commercials.
Score = 2
i'm picturing the board meeting on this.
"good news guys! the partnership with New Moon finally came through!"
"super! good work everyone! so how are we using this?"
"oh. i thought that you had a plan."
"nope! no plan!"
"no plan at all?"
"nope. LET'S DO THIS THING."
Score = 2
There goes all our chances of Vitamin water during the day...
Score = 2
Teen Korner is by far my favorite continuing segment of Vgum. Lots of Love!
Score = 0