True Blood: A Bull In A Dress With Claws
At one point in last night's episode, Marianne uses her blood sugar sex magic to make Tara and Eggs (haha! Eggs!) devour a "hunter's souffle," that was made with Daphne's heart. Yuck, but OK. Then she makes Tara and Eggs start slapping each other in the face as hard as they can, and kicking each other in the balls (Tara may or may not have balls, but the important word here is MAY), and then she makes them fuck each other on the living room floor, all of this as she stands around in the doorway giggling and going "hmm." NOW, perhaps this is just what maenads do: hang out at people's best friend's dead grandmother's houses, cooking human hearts into pies, and making everyone slap-fuck each other. That is the maenad's business. But maenads aren't actually watching this show, human beings are. And something about this scene struck me last night, because we've been along for the Marianne ride for awhile now, and I don't know what kind of monster Alan Ball thinks that I am, but I actually don't like watching two possessed, black-eyed demon bags fighting and fucking each other. It is weird! If it was scary, maybe the point would be to scare me, but it's not scary. So what is it? It's not funny. It's not sexy. I don't know! Huh?!
Anyway, Godric rescues Sookie from the rapist in the church basement and snaps his neck, although not before the rapist manages to say "Godric, it's me!" which I sort of hoped they would explain later, why they were buddies, but they never really did.
And then some other stuff happens!
Like, Vampire Eric shows up. Godric tells him to rescue Sookie. He is so calm! Must be the sleeveless sweatshirt. Very breathable. Eric and Sookie go upstairs, but the alarm has been sounded, and everyone is filing into the church with stakes and crossbows for the "lockdown." Huh? I thought the lockdown was just going to be a funtimes sleepover jam, with a vampire murder in the morning, not a military exercise. Whatever, Eric beats up some dudes but then there are too many dudes and Eric agrees to allow himself to be killed because Godric told him not to hurt anyone. Sookie is like "he's your maker, isn't he?" and Eric is like "don't use words you don't understand." Um, relax Eric. I think we all UNDERSTAND. He is the one who MADE you into a vampire, which is why you use the word MAKER. Vampires always think they are so much smarter. Sookie is like "you love him," and Eric is like "don't use words that I don't understand." Later, of course, Hugo's vampire girlfriend will admit that she loves him, and Godric will be like "I see that you love him," and also Vampire Bill's "maker" (whatever that means, I guess) will tell him that she still loves him, and she will get in a fight with Sookie over who loves him more. But for the time being, vampires don't know what the word love means. Keep up.
Eventually, those Texas vampires come to the church, and they are going to kill everyone, but Godric is like "don't kill everyone," and they're all like "aww shoot!" Meanwhile, remember when Sarah shot Jason Stackhouse at the end of last week's episode? Well, she shot him with a paintball gun. Lame! He finds out that the church has abducted his sister, so he runs to save her. He shoots Steve in the head with a paintball. They rescue Eric, oh also Bill shows up because he hit some vampire in the head with a plasma screen TV, which I guess that works? So everyone gets into place for Godric's big speech about vampires and humans living in harmony, and Steve is like "Fuck you!" and Godric is like "let's all go home, guys." So they all go home, except for Steve, who is home. On his way out, Jason Stackhouse punches Steve in the face for being such a jerk, except Steve is the one who has been consistent. He's always been like this. Jason is the one who has changed. Unfair.
Sam Merlotte gets a phone call from his restaurant. We know this because there is a close up of his phone and it says "Merlotte's." Really? Sam owns the restaurant and it's named after him. He uses the proper name in programming his phone? Sure. He goes to the restaurant and finds Daphne's body in the freezer, with a gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be. He is about to call the police, but the police are already there! He's been framed! Except, that's not exactly how crime works! But let's pretend that it is! I mean, I get the fact that there are now two different women who have been found on Merlotte's property with their hearts removed, and certainly that would warrant him being a suspect, but is there no other evidence in the case? "Well, you probably did it because you were the only person here when we showed up. Police work." Andy Bellefleur bursts in and says that Sam is an innocent victim, but no one believes Andy Bellefleur. He's crazy! Come on, Andy Bellefleur, go home to your hospital. That is what everyone says to him.
Then there's the whole hunter's souffle thing. Fucking. Whatnot.
Meanwhile, back in Texas, Godric receives a line of well-wishing vampires who have come to pay their respects to him in his Eames chair. It is really a nice chair. Godric keeps telling everyone how important it is to treat the humans with respect, as equals. He tells Eric that vampires are scary, and that they haven't evolved. OK, so Godric is clearly going to die, right? Martin Luther Vampire Jr. forced to sit at the back of the bloodmobile over here. (I prefer my metaphors mixed, thank you.) Vampire Bill's maker shows up and she is about to bite Sookie and Godric is like "don't bite Sookie!" and then he kicks her out of his modernist "hive." Vampire Bill walks her out. She is so ashamed. Vampires can feel shame? I am so confused about the Emotion Rules. But also in walks that dude from the church. He has strapped himself up with an entire Hot Topic's worth of silver jewelry, and he is going to suicide bomb himself in all the vampires' faces. Uh oh.
SIDENOTE: Vampire Jessica? Has sex? For the first time? And is about to have sex again? When she realizes that her hymen has grown back? Um? LOL?
Next week:
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Soap Operas
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
No rape faces or blood sex this week? What's the point in even watching?!!!
Score = 6
Gabe: America, you have a problem! We need to talk about this and get you off the whole vampire thing. It's unhealthy!
America: I do not have a problem! I can quit them anytime I want to! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
Gabe: I think I know enough, America:
America: [Cries softly]
Score = 34
Haha Mark Ecko. There's a surprise.
Score = 1
NO no that IS NOT something THAT IS real. Please FUCKIN TELL ME that that is PHOTOSHOPPED.
Score = 1
Unfortunately that is, indeed, real life (as seen in Manhattan).
(Big fan of the new update by the way. Chapter 1? Solid so far.)
Score = 3
Its not real real. The posters do exist, but i was all just a part of the Season 2 marketing campaign. They had quite a few fake ads: http://www.trueblood-online.com/general-info/hbo-partners-with-marketers-for-true-blood-campaign
Score = 1
I know that's supposed to make me feel better but I think that just increased the :( for some reason.
Score = 0
Chapter 1 is going great! I love the Monday updates, too. I have that and the Hunt to look forward to! I'm sure Constantinople, Gabe, Gabe's lovely wife Gwynnie, and PC Bowen are deeply honored to be included so far.
Score = 4
Agreed! I'm also a big fan of Gabe being an old man in the story. Keep it up, Patriot!
Score = 2
Hey I got here late, outta the way! What's the deal with AmPat's updates? Is he taking a creative blogging course or something? Because that's what it reads like (sorry AmPat, we're BFFs I swear). Is it actually intended to be serious or just for yuks (actually maybe yucks?)?
Score = 2
It's his novel, which is debuting by bits and pieces every week. I believe it is e-tongue-in-cheek-not-in-cheek-but-still-in-cheek on a level the rest of us can barely imagine. Like Ashley said, a postmodern masterpiece (the internet equivalent of The Kramer)
Score = 2
Is it too early to call it a postmodern masterpiece?
Score = 2
This also exists:
GAWD, I hate this show.
Score = 18
Although there are many more things wrong here, what is up with that font? It looks like periods are randomly distributed throughout the text.
Score = 9
I think certain letters come to a really absurd little curl at the end. As someone who looks at fonts way too much, this shirt makes me want to punch a wall for multiple reasons. Damn you True Blood.
Score = 3
That's what it looked like. I don't understand how they looked at that finished product and didn't say "oops, big mistake!" but I guess that also didn't occur to them when they decided to make a "I'm a fangbanger" t-shirt.
Score = 6
i see no problem with periods included on a shirt aimed at bloodsuckers... amirite!?!
is that a smile, or are you getting ready to spit?
Score = 0
I feel terrible because I looked at this and immediately thought "Yup, a chick like that would totally wear that shirt."
Score = 0
Mark Ecko is from my town. *hangs head in shame*
Score = 0
Vampires as heavy-handed War on Terror metaphor > Vampires as heavy-handed gay rights metaphor
Score = 11
I just really want some of those black eye contacts. Maybe they should start selling them wherever they're selling the True Blood Mini Cooper and True Blood orange juice.
Score = 13
Hey look here, your bf already has some!
Also, LOLx5 at BiB (Baby in Background).
Score = 17
haha, the baby is awesome!
Score = 2
"You have 'lots of love' for him"-Sookie Stackhouse
Score = 7
i'm really getting tired of marianne. and also very tired of no one being able to figure out she is fucking with them. especially since sam knows she is fucking with them.
Score = 4
I felt so terrible for Jessica and her hymen of uncharted regenerative capabilities. I felt so good about the silver shrapnel.
Who's coming up with this feebly written shit?
Score = 10
Anne Rice must be turning in her grave. I'm expanding that metaphor to include living people where applicable.
Score = 9
expanding that metaphor seems dangerous in the summer of death....
Score = 13
I would love to see what Stephanie Meyer could do with the regenerative hymen in the Twilight world. The concept of "born-again virgins" just got a little more real for me.
Score = 11
Can't the vamps hire marianne to claw around up there a bit? That shit seems pretty unrepairable.
Score = 1
Unfortunately, I happened to watch Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" video for the first time just minutes before TrueBlood came on. Terrible mistake. Everytime there was a scene with Eric that song just seemed to blast in my head even louder than the show. "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me!"
Score = 3
Well, it makes sense. I mean, Lady Gaga and True Blood are horrible things, and horrible things belong together!
Score = 3
haters
Score = 0
yep, somehow, to me, you lose your credibility as a scary vampire after you make out with lady gaga.
Score = 1
"Hey guys, the vampire politics are taking up too much screen time. What else can we do?"
"You know, I was just thinking this show needs more orgies."
"YES! Orgies and zombie-like sex and and boobs and penises everywhere and people slapping each other repeatedly then fucking. IT'S ALL PERFECT!"
High fives all around. It's sure never going to get old. (It's old, guys).
Score = 4
I've already been to heaven. And it was inside your wife!
- Zingmaster Jason
Score = 20
Jason got some awesome lines last night. I especially liked when he asked Sarah Newlin what Judas did to her.
Score = 7
I'm simultaneously bored and grossed out by these Marianne shenanigans. It's a really annoying combination of emotions. WHY HAS NO ONE ON THE SHOW FIGURED HER OUT YET?
Score = 3
So I was looking for a site to give me a recap of the show, and I came across this one. Except it's more of a hatecap! If you don't like watching it, then just stop! There are millions upon MILLIONS of people out there who love this show and want to know what happens week to week. Just because you're lame inside and don't find naturally sexy vampires hot and sexy doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone else! It's the best show that's ever been on TV, and some people will just never get it.
Score = -11
Your comment is too absurd to even downvote. I do like, "you don't find naturally sexy vampires hot and sexy" though.
Score = 11
I'm sorry your Google is broken, considering the millions upon MILLIONS who must be posting loving recaps of the show. Also why do you need a recap of a show you just watched?
Score = 4
Um you think I'm wrong? According to wikipedia: "The total number of viewers for the season premiere, including the late night replay, was 5.1 million." And the number for the seventh (SEVENTH!) episode was 3.7 million. There's the millions of people who love this show and aren't mean enough to just needlessly trash it when they could be doing better things with the life they live. Oh and I wanna read a recap in case I missed anything. Details in the back. I usually don't cause I'm something of a really good fan and watcher but you never know. Plus some of us just like to talk about the show and its mysterious! But you all wouldn't know about that because you're interested in laughing at it without really getting it because you're scared to. But that's okay, the rest of us will continue to enjoy some sexy vamp/banger action and drama ever sunday night!
Score = -8
Nothing millions of people watch is ever bad! That's some airtight logic. something like 15 million people watch Two and a Half Men. And I'm having a hard time believing you were not summoned here by magical google alerts. Go to bed.
Score = 3
millions of people = slavery, the holocaust, patriarchy and True Blood. Keep up!
Score = 1
Don't hate people with different points of view, Tvwatcher87. Godric would be disappointed in you.
Score = 24
There's no way you Googled "True Blood recap" and found here. The only way to find this place via Google is to type in +"I hate True Blood" +"Anna Paquin is awful." I should know. That's how I ended up here.
Score = 6
ugh another rant from this site about trueblood? ive seen these pop up in the forums and chill out! its a great show n we like it for wut it is. just cause u don't does mean u need to b a dick about it! its good! it has sex, blood, and action and drama in it wut more could u ask for in tv?!?! ill tell u!
nothing! lol
Score = -11
People (PEOPLE!), you know how you're always like, "YR u so mean abut this horrible show that i love ur lameINSIDZ lol wtf? If you don't like (LIKE!) it just don't w8atch itz OMG!!!" You know how you say that? Well I say back at you that if you don't like it when adults (ADULTS!) criticize poorly conceived, terribly acted/accented and intellectually offensive television programs, all you (YOU!) have to do is not read those sorts of blogs. You don't see me on truebloodrules4evr.com pestering you do you?
Plus some of us just like to talk about the show and its mysterious.
Score = 16
ugh wut i cant even read wat u just wrote it makes no sense! you guys just need to let us enjoy r show and stop telling pple its bad cuz its not!
Score = -7
You are too adorable - I want to put you in my pocket. But FAIR ENOUGH, fangbanger! This is me, officially giving you permission to not read the True Blood posts on this blog.
Score = 4
I'm confused as to why you have to love something just to watch it?
People watched Gigli and Glitter just to see how bad they sucked, the same can go for True Blood.
Kudos on the awesome screen name btw
Score = 0
There's something wrong with eggs
Score = 3
I really feel the need to point out how Vampire Godric has usurped Vampire Eric as sexiest vampire.
Also, Jason was my favorite part of this episode (most episodes lately). i kind of wish they would reformat this show to be "dumb guy stumbles around newly vampirified town, fucks around"
Score = 5
sadly, ive read the books (the whole i-read-one-and-now-i-have-to-read-the-series-even-though-they-are-ridiculous-and-poorly-imagined/written bit) and i think the problem that plagues the storytelling is that the woman who wrote the books off which the show is based seemed completely out of touch with people in the real world, making everything really awkward. then tv people come trying to build off something that largely didnt make sense to begin with.... i think the premise of the larger story is neat but maybe to make the show that should have shook it down to the bare bones and made it in to something that could be a supernatural twist on the reality we are all familiar with, rather than a twist on a reality imagined by a lonely woman who learned how the world works by watching tv and reading sexy romance novels
Score = 4
Clearly I should not mock those less fortunate than myself, but I managed to stop reading them when she made math errors involving the reproduction of Weres (two Were parents = 1 Were child) that meant some point in the not too distant past (say, before Godric was born), all people on the earth were Weres. (I did give her one more book to fix her math errors, but she repeated them, so we broke up.)
I realise in the grand scheme of things, there is so much more wrong with those books than math, and yet that apparently was The Worst for me. Fairies, Vampires, Weres, Shifters, whatever, it's all good. Faulty geometric progressions, and we're through.
Score = 1
I can't believe no one mentioned Jason's way too enjoyable hug with Bill. I swear he jizzed in his pants.
Score = 2
According to a commenter on Jezebel, in reference to Sookie and that other mindreading kid smelling/tasting different, we still have this to look forward to:
SPOILER (from rather late in the book series)
Both Sookie and Jason have a fairie grandfather. And fairies are really desirable/desired by vampires. LIke, their blood is intoxicating. So in that regard both Sookie and Jason are special. Sookie is more special/her skill set is more awesome, but Jason's power is supposed to be in his sexual prowess or something like that.
Score = 0
I think that was the part when I started thinking of her as Mary Sookie. Yes you are the most special stand in for an author ever, aren't you?
Score = 0
Vampire Eric's "hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... I heard my name" really made the week for me...on par, I'd say, with the James Franco "sooooo good".
Also, what's with all the haters this week? And why can't they spell or form complete sentences? you know they proofread on the True Blood Forums, why no respect on the videogum?
Score = 2
I don't know what kind of monster Alan Ball thinks that I am, but I actually don't like watching two possessed, black-eyed demon bags fighting and fucking each other. It is weird! If it was scary, maybe the point would be to scare me, but it's not scary. So what is it? It's not funny. It's not sexy. I don't know! Huh?!
- I think it's great to see things on TV that we usually don't see...and domestic violence as sexual foreplay is defs something new
Eric and Sookie go upstairs, but the alarm has been sounded, and everyone is filing into the church with stakes and crossbows for the "lockdown." Huh? I thought the lockdown was just going to be a funtimes sleepover jam, with a vampire murder in the morning, not a military exercise.
- The "lockdown" is a sleepover which was canceled for the "lock in" once they discovered that a vampire was on the premises
Eric is like "don't use words that I don't understand." Later, of course, Hugo's vampire girlfriend will admit that she loves him, and Godric will be like "I see that you love him," and also Vampire Bill's "maker" (whatever that means, I guess) will tell him that she still loves him, and she will get in a fight with Sookie over who loves him more. But for the time being, vampires don't know what the word love means. Keep up.
- Eric doesn't understand love, not vampires.
Sarah shot Jason Stackhouse at the end of last week's episode? Well, she shot him with a paintball gun. Lame!
- Lame, indeed.
Score = -2
Nest. Just saying.
Score = 0