True Blood: Poor Vampires, Boo Hoo, So Sad
CLIFFHANGER! At the end of last week's episode, Jason Stackhouse's former friend/rival from the Fellowship of the Sun, Duke? Brady? Troy? storms into the mid-century modern Dallas "hive" and reveals himself to be strapped with explosives and also fine jewelry. He blows himself. Oh no! This week: he blows himself up. OK, let's see now. So, Bill was outside saying goodbye to his ex-girlfriend. He is like "even though you are immortal, you are dead to me," because Bill is a sophomore in high school and also a girl. Then his ex-girlfriend is like "normal run away, normal run away, VAMPIRE RUN AWAY." Just then: BOOM. Jewelry bomb! Bill runs inside and there is blood and gore everywhere, although luckily not a single character that we are already familiar with was hurt. Phew. Jason is OK. Godric is OK. That lady Vampire who was dating Hugo is OK. Eric shielded Sookie, so Sookie is OK. But Eric is not OK. He has jewelry in him now. Jewelry is the curse of the vampire! He asks Sookie to suck the jewelry out of him to save him. Uh? I'm not a doctor, but uh, what? "It's an old Boy Scout trick, you just suck the jewelry right out of the wound." Obviously, Eric is lying. And then Bill is like "Eric, you were lying," and then Eric is like "haha," and then Sookie is like "what?" with her face all covered in blood. I guess it turns out that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood, and now he will forever have an attachment to her? This is a rule? Vampires are always explaining the rules at the last second. Bill is like "don't worry if you get a boner, it's normal," and 10 minutes later Sookie gets a boner.
The thing is, I don't care? Like, I think you're supposed to be nervous that Sookie is going to break up with Vampire Bill and sleep with Vampire Eric, or something? But here's the thing: maybe I'm a monster, but I do not care at all about the emotional and sexual lives of vampires. Or Sookie for that matter. She's terrible. I hope that she fucks all the vampires and her pussy falls out. (Wow! Gross! Sorry!) But I mean, seriously. I do. She's a make-believe character in love with make-believe magical characters. Whatever. Boo hoo hoo. What a wonderful romance. Ha! Get real. Bill punches Vampire Eric in the face. Sure. They're just like us! These make-believe things that change the rules every two seconds.
There is an inquiry into what happened with Godric, and the vampire from the TV says "this is a national vampire disaster." LOL. She strips Godric of his Sheriff-ship, and there is a bunch of talk as if Vampires have a real society. (This show is getting out of hand!) Godric is subdued and agrees to everything and admits that he offered himself up to the Fellowship of the Sun (duh) and apologizes and promises to make amends. Sookie tries to stand up for him. She says, "Godric rescued me from a really large rapist." But for some reason that doesn't change anything. Huh. It was such a good defense. Sookie rests her case. Godric tells Eric to meet him on the roof. ROOF PARTY!
Meanwhile, Marianne is stepping her game up. She really wants to murder Sam Merlotte for whatever reason. Go ahead, murder him. Murder everyone on this show. Why not? But, so, Lafayette is one of the few people who seems to know something is up. For one thing, he hates Eggs.
That makes sense. I hate Eggs too. He tries to fight Eggs at the restaurant because Eggs and Tara both have bruises on their faces from when they beat each other up. Oh, about that: Marianne is like "you guys must have had fun last night." Um, no one says that, not even crazy Maenads. No one is going to convince someone with a caved in skull that they were just having the wildest fun. But then she gets pretentious college-student philosophical about the importance of madness. "What about the saints of India? What about mystics of all religions." Haha. "I don't have time to give you a list, but you know what I mean." The mystics of all religions. Sure, Marianne. You lazy fucking pedantic Maenad. So anyway, she tries to go to the jail to kill Sam Merlotte but she can't because Sam turned into a Ric Ocasek fly.
Whoa. Now Marianne is really irritated! She turns all the people's eyes black and sets the whole town to catch Sam. Careful, Sam!
Meanwhile, back at the roof, Godric is going to suicide himself because he has decided that vampires are an abomination. Eric cries. Godric says that thing about his being his father, brother, and son again. I don't know what that's all about. I guess it's like their secret Vampire handshake. Of words. Sookie stands there. Eric goes inside to bed. Godric says that after 2,000 years he can still be surprised because a human is standing next to him in the end. SURPRISE! I think this is supposed to be an emotional scene? Like, really intense and powerful? But, again, and maybe it's just me, but I don't care about what happens to make believe creatures on a CGI rooftop. The last make believe creature I cared about was Artax in the Swamp of Sadness. And Godric is no Artrax. Goodbye, American Eagle Sweatshirt Vampire. Luckily, we learned a lot more about Hoyt's mom this week, just in case you were worried that with the loss of Godric there wouldn't be 1,000,000 characters and plotlines to have to keep up with. There still are!
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Soap Operas
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
I cried when Godric was all about to suicide himself, but then they had to go and one-up the TERRIBLENESS of their CGI with that smooth blue flame explosion.
What happened to the season one finale burn-decay thing that happened to Bill? That was a much better vampire-plosion. But yeah, Godric had only been on that show for a total of twenty minutes and I already liked him best :(
Score = 1
Well it was probably different because he was older.
Wait, wait, what? Ugh. I just rationalized something from this horrible make-believe show using adult logic. Woof. Welcome to True Blood 101. I'm Professor Vampz, and I'm going to go kill myself now because no one should have my knowledge.
Score = 10
Didnt watch the show, but from the image i can tell that's some fantastic CGI skills on display, and you can trust that opinion, im kind of a CGI freak. I mean i like animation and all, but for me personally, CGI is where its at.
Score = 1
I've obviously stumbled upon a True Blood gif treasure chest today -
Score = 9
haha wow yes. I hope (I'm assuming you found these) that whoever made these was like "OMG yes. Now I can put this .gif in my signature and eeeveryone is going to love me when I chat on the forums! RIP Godric :(("
Also, Eric's crying was hilariously bad as was the language switch (and at one point I'm pretty sure they didn't even subtitle something Godric said. This show spends money well!).
Score = 1
well, they specifically didn't subtitle Godric's repeat line about "father, brother, son" or whatever. But that seems deliberate... ya know, cause it's their secret Vampire handshake. Of words.
Score = 1
Yes, I found all of these on the same forum (there were a lot more!). I had to dig through several pages of people talking about how many handjobs they wanted to give to Eric.
Score = 5
Sorry, I'll try to keep my hand job talk to a minimum next time. Only straight up P and V stuff from now on!
Score = 3
They blew their budget on the Hotel Carmilla plush robes. Spoiler alert: I hear the season finale is a song-and-dance number with all 1,000,000 characters wearing them.
Score = 0
Yes. I agree with you right here. CGI is pretty much the best thing anything can adds to itself because it immediately gives it credibility. Y'all joke and laugh and say it's bad but you could do no better with what you do! Haha! I bet at night you cry and wish you had as much talent to do at least one thing so well as it is done here. Bt I agree with Draper cause CGI is the future. Wait for Avatar which will change way we see films when we watch because of all the CGI! And this CGI is great! We are lucky to live in a day when tv can spend money on movie like effects that brighten are understanding of the world and excite are minds. It is like the future today! One day you will all be less judgemental like Draper and realize the effects make it better and more interesting. not to mention that this scene was sad beyond sad where I cried so much! He was so old sad! and burned! I hope the vampires have more like him because they n and eed ones with real emotion in their heart so they don't seem like monsters; they're just people who have to drink the blood of others. But to live!
Score = -2
haha i thought you died, please dont respond to things i say anymore, thanks.
Score = 8
I can't open YouTube at work, but just thinking about Atreyu trying to pull Artax out of the Swamp of Sadness makes me want to cry. Almost as much as Eric cried on the roof with Godric (there should totally be a clip of that).
Score = 6
Yes! I found it!
Score = 9
When I was watching the show last night I knew that the scene where he was on fire had to be a screen shot in the recap because it was CGI-perfect. I also thought the scene with Hoyt's mother was hilarious because they were arguing while eating cheese and potato chip sandwiches. Who could be mad while eating cheese and potato chip sandwiches? (I'm sure he was just upset she was making him a cheese and potato chip sandwich)
Score = 1
If Marianne kills Eggs, she can make an omelet to go along with the hunter's souffle! HAHAHA. (this show is stupid)
Score = 8
Re:
HAHAHHAHA! But seriously, seeing Eric naked gave me a boner aso. Great Recap!
Score = 1
Even though the show is the worst, I miss the Entourage recaps!
Score = 0
Wait, the above comment was supposed to say after the "RE:" because Bill is a sophomore in high school and also a girl. So, HAHA to that. Also, YES! Grilled cheese and potato chip sandwiches! I thought I imagined that.
Score = 0
What was the deal with last night’s episode and all the boring conversations? Way to make everyone else boring, True Blood—you already had Sookie and Vampire Bill firmly by the boring bullocks but now you’ve managed to drag everyone else into that nasty little cycle of snooze.
I kept laughing throughout Eric's emotional farewell to Godric. Seriously, it was hilarious...but sad...and back to hilarious.
Score = 1
For some reason, the second Eric started crying I just ejaculated with laughter.
Score = 1
Score = 14
Oh man, i literally spent five minutes trying to explain how freaking hilarious this part was to my friend. then i was like, you know what? don't worry about it, Gabe will surely post a clip.
Thanks for picking up the slack, Mr hHbbes.
Score = 2
What! Why is he still drowning! Horses are unable to being sad!
HORSES ARE UNABLE TO BEING SAD!
Score = 2
hummm would wesley snipes make this better or worse?
Score = 1
I was personally very moved by Godric's death. It was very Scott Bakula. Don't worry guys, I'm sure he isn't suicided, just living the high life solving mysteries in 1953.
Score = 7
I can't deal with this show and how popular it is.
Score = 2
"She's terrible. I hope that she fucks all the vampires and her pussy falls out. (Wow! Gross! Sorry!)"
WOW, Gabe! I am really disappointed in you! I would not expect you to say 'pussy'. :-(
Score = -1
Let me just say I've never watched one episode of this show. Come the FUCK on. What is going on here? Blue flaming Eggs? WAT? And I thought Atreyu was from The Neverending Story. The southern accents are enough to make me want to drown myself in the Swamp of Sadness, and these vampires are pussies. Do they cry, like, all the time? If they really lived down here they'd be hiding in dark alleys waiting drink my blood/rip off my face/dance around in my skin-- not cry on my shoulder because it's sooo complicated being immortal.
Score = -1
Ugh, I don't know why I do this. I come here every week to read your review of True Blood, WHICH I LOVE. And then I get all mad because you hate it with surprising fervor. You all do! Why would anyone want to watch a show about things that aren't real?? DUMB! I mean, you need an imagination to watch a show about vampires, and who has that?? Let's watch Seinfeld and The Sopranos and hate everything else! It's so fun to get together and hate things together and all agree with each other, and Gabe, our supreme, ironic leader!
Anyway, I have no idea why I read this. I think I'll go ahead and commit to not reading your sarcastic, decreasingly-funny, often-misinformed, people-who-watch-this-show-unironically-are-retarded reviews. Because, frankly, it's not a bad show. I mean, if you hate the genre, of course you'll hate the show. I hate tense, grimy, gritty crime dramas, but I don't sit around complaining about how awful 24 is and how annoying it is that every boy/man in the United States is in gay-love with Jack what's-his-face FBI agent.
Also, what's with all the CGI elitism? Vampires don't exist, REMEMBER? You have no idea what one burning would look like, REMEMBER??
Okay, that's all. Let the flaming begin.
Score = -6
Whoops, looks like you double-posted Passerby
Score = 3
Bahahaha I love the show, but I love your recaps also.
Eric also gave me a boner. Everything else is non essential.
Score = 0
Did Maryanne go back in time? Is she why he did it for the nookie? (I'm not sure if this joke has been used before. I might just be lame. Sorry.)
Score = 2
Just wait untill sookie gets home. You think hoyt is going to get jessica a vamp baby from t'light?
Score = -1
Why did that Godric guy burn like some kinda gas?
Score = 0
Gabe.... you don't care about make believe characters? Then why bother watching any show?
ps. why did godric burn up like that when we've seen vamp bill go out into the sunlight and start to burn, and it looked nothing like that! I do love this show, but that kind of irked me. My roommates claim that it's because of his age? Or that it was sunrise? Whatever....
I still love this fucking show. Eat it Entourage lovers, True Blood pulls in way more ratings then that hetero-normative bullshit.
Score = 1
oh yeah, ARTAX!!! So sad...
Score = 0
"I guess it turns out that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood, and now he will forever have an attachment to her? This is a rule? Vampires are always explaining the rules at the last second."
Actually, that was explained in the first season... Pay attention!
Score = 0
Duds? Was Godric a pedophile child killer in this one too? Because he was in the books. Which made it much more entertaining. And they were suppsed to kill all the humans! The vampires were fine, but the humans were all dead!
the CGI makes me want to cry in this show.
Score = 0
How come when Sookie drinks the blood she doesn't trip out like everyone else does when they do V?
Score = 0
TRUE BLOOD is awesome!!!!
What Da Fuck is a Artax? LMAO
Score = -1