True Blood: The Bleeds Have Begun, Indeed
Sam is about to get MURDERED! He stumbled into the wrong bacchanalian field orgy. Marianne puts on her bull costume and asks for the ceremonial murderin' knife, which is handed to her on a platter, as is the custom, and Tara licks his face one last time, but at the last second, Andy Bellefleur runs in from the forest and he shoots his gun at the ground, which is the one thing that can distract maenads, and now Sam is running, and everyone begins to scream. This party was a lot more fun when it was about having fevered sex and rubbing dirt on your tits. I don't like it as much when it becomes a fevered screaming party. Marianne chases Sam through the woods. She has got her foam beast hands on because they're not just for Halloween anymore. Sam turns into an owl. BYE SAM! Marianne is so sad about Sam turning into an owl before she could give him a back massage, demon-style, so she kills a rabbit. In the morning, Tara and Eggs wake up on the couch and they're like "huh? What happened last night?" and Eggs is like "is my name still eggs?" and Tara is like "wait, your name is what?" and Eggs is like "I wish I had never asked that wizard to give me this stupid name."
MEANWHILE:
Sookie and Hugo are trapped in the church basement. And Hugo has claustrophobia! I am at the edge of my seat wondering whether or not Hugo's claustrophobia will get unbearable. They really know how to raise the stakes on this show. Steve comes down and demands information about vampires. If they give him information about vampires, he will give them a hot breakfast. YUM, I LOVE HOT BREAKFAST! But Sookie isn't going to tell him anything because apparently she doesn't care about hot breakfast? What a weirdo. Hugo is like, "I will tell you everything. My name is Hugo and her name is Sookie Stackhouse." Really? That's everything? But then Steve is like "Stackhouse! I knew enough about you to know that you were telepathic and to kidnap you and put you in the basement, but I did not know your last name." Total pros over there. So he goes to get Jason, who thinks that he's coming to get him because of Sarah, but it's not because of her, although later she will shoot him. The good news is that the whole plot line of Jason being in the church training camp is over, because that was getting kind of boring.
Back in the basement, Sookie goes through all the merch.
She's like "It's sick how they teach children to hate. Through board games." Hugo is like "Oh, PS, I am the one who gives away all the vampire secrets. Because my girlfriend was mean to me." It's weird how Sookie's mind-reading doesn't seem to work at all in this episode. She can't read Steve's mind to find out how he knows about Jason, and she couldn't read Hugo's mind to know that he was the bad guy all along? It's probably interference from this anti-mind reading storage cage. Or not. Because then Sookie sends out the lamest bat signal.
Boy, I sure hope Barry had a pen and paper!
Also, the ladies on this week's episode sure were in their underwear a lot!
The last one is an attempted rape, which I guess isn't quite as sexy as the other ones. So, anyway, Barry tries to give Bill the message, but Bill is being held captive by his flapper vampire ex-girlfriend, and she is like "Let's do the jitterbug," and he's like "The bleeds have begun." (The Bleeds Have Begun is the name of my album.) But Eric hears Barry's message through the wall and he runs just as fast as his little vampire legs will take him. But it doesn't even matter because Godric is already saving Sookie from being raped. None of this really adds up, of course, because Sookie only claimed that Godric was in the basement, she never actually saw him or saw any evidence of him, she only heard Steve thinking about it last time, and if he knew who she was and that she was a mind-reader, he could have planted that information as a trap? But then it turns out that he is there? But he's just wandering around in a sleeveless sweatshirt like nothing even matters?
"Oh, sorry, I was at an American Eagle photoshoot. Did I miss anything?"
--Godric
Back in Bon Temps, Tara is beginning to suspect that something is wrong with Marianne. Really? Well done, Encyclopedia Brown. She really cracked that case. Daphne tells Sam that Marianne is a maenad and then gives a really lazy and obtuse explanation of what the fuck is going on, which makes no sense, and Sam makes a lot of faces and points his gun all over, and then Marianne makes Eggs stab Daphne out on the dock overlooking the pond. That is Daphne's favorite place! She is always there. She's probably homeless, actually. Sad.
You know who else knows something is up? Lafayette.
He's like damn, something is up.
So, Jason Stackhouse has been shot. Daphne has been stabbed. Vampire Bill has been almost staked. Sookie has been almost raped. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR. At this rate we can clear out this entire show by the end of next week. R.I.P.
Posted by Gabe at 11:40 AM in Soap Operas
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
Gabe, I think you raising the issue of Eggs (seriously, EGGS!) may have single-handedly influenced the script on last night's episode - hence the minor explanation that his real, full name is Benedict - ahh, clever, those True Blood writers, and always mindful of the fans :) I remain unabashedly a fan of this show, despite all its wonkiness.
Score = 4
Eggs is in the books, he's not purely the TV version's invention. And when his character was introduced in season one he said his nickname was Eggs because his first name is Benedict. So, it's actually Charlaine Harris who is evah so clevah.
Score = 2
Anna Paquin has got her rape face down to a tee. You win this time, Paquin, you win this time.
Score = 9
True story: I only read Videogum for the pictures of Anna Paquin.
Score = 2
dis show is abot vampires an stuf
Score = 16
I luv u.
lol
Score = 4
Even though this show is kind of dumb, it is also probably the most entertaining thing on TV right now.
NYC Prep is probably crying into its marc jacobs pillow right now.
Score = 2
LOL. If you follow Videogum on Twitter, the link that is supposed to lead to this True Blood recap opens up to the Mothers Against Brokencyde website! #reasonswhyvideogumrules.
Although, by the time I say this, it will probably be fixed, but still, hilarious!
Score = 5
panties! hooray!
Score = 1
the drunk cop is telling the truth! but everyone is like "Oh No! its the drunk cop again, cant believe what he is saying, what a crazy dude"
Score = 3
My best friend keeps trying to get me to watch this, and I keep refusing, based solely on these recaps. I guess my question is whether it is wrong to trust a website I love more than a person I also love, based solely on how much funnier the website is?*
*The answer to the question is no
Score = 2
I'm just waiting for the Rapefes--Entourage recap from last night.
Score = 2
Was the dead rabbit Daphne?
Score = 3
No. The rabbit was before Daph gets stabbed
Score = 0
Yeh but as well as her anti-rape facial expression she is wearing anti-rape Granny panties.
Note to self; talk less about rape.
Score = 1
Isn't it about time for the crossover episode where the boys from Entourage show up in Bonton? LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.
Score = 1
tinyghosts..your avatar + comments = very disturbing. Most likely I'm just not hip enough to get it...but I'm stilled creeped out.
Score = -4
please don't be scared, i promise i'm not a creep. i just think that true blood is a complete waste of... everything. so the mention of the fact that there was a lot of girls in underwear as a "plot point" warranted a comment (joke in my brain) about nudity and sex being a contributing factor as reasoning for certain folks to actually watch this show. you know, that and the vampyres.
also, my brain didnt connect my user pic and my commenting. i've had that as a picture since i used livejournal back when the internet started growing hair in weird places.
Score = 6
The vamp church not knowing about Sookie means they truly had an inexplicable interest in Jason. Now we wait to see if there is a reason for Marianne's inexplicable interest in Tara.
Score = 5
I thought they loved Jason because he was accused of being the Fangbanger Choker (was there a catchier name for the killer on the show, I forget) so they saw him as a hero? But then he was acquitted but is really good at sports with no shirt on and stuff so he coasted on that? Marianne's Tara obsession though, that is 100% inexplicable it's true.
Score = 4
They are two different kinds of monsters.... not comparable. It's all Vampire Apples to Marc Jacobs clad little Monster Oranges.
Please forgive me Little Monsters.
Score = 1
Dang it! That was in response to justthecrust's comment.
Score = 0
"The last one is an attempted rape, which I guess isn't quite as sexy as the other ones."
Is it not quite as sexy or is it MORE sexy?
Score = -7
See what you started Vampire Weekend..............you trendsetters you!!!
Score = 1
nope-- Eggs helps Marianne kill Daphne in a much later scene. That bunny was just there to provide another wtf-Marianne moment that Tara brilliantly chooses to ignore.
Score = 2
sorry, I swear that was a reply to "Confused" above.
Score = 0
You can love the show and the recap. If your heart is big enough.
Score = 4
My heart was two sizes too small, but because of this show and the recap, it has Grown three sizes today. So, I guess now I have a normal heart, or something, and I can live happily here in Whoville. True Story!
Score = 3
The season finale reveals that Godric is a Jonas Brother and Marianne is a highschool history teacher that became so obsessed with Greece her past illness of schizophrenic delusions came on tenfold and now she thinks shes a priestess of a religion that's been dead for over 1,000 years. and eggs is secretly screwing lafayette.
Score = 0
I realized last night that I HAVE to stop watching this show. Because I have a secret: while you were all watching it ironically, for LAFFS, I was watching it FOR REAL, in earnest. And that has to stop.
Because this is turning into some demonic offshoot of the Animorphs. And I quit that shit was I was 9.
Score = 10
Hush Becca...Gabe watches it for real, too. We all do. Ssshhhh...just cloak your enthusiasm in this veil of incisive, eye-rolling commentary.
Score = 5
i love the show and i love the recaps. i agree with gabe on how stupid things on TB are, but it doesnt make it less fun.
Score = 6
LOL at Hoyt picking "Bleeding Love" as the soundtrack for his first vampiric relations. Job well done, writers.
Score = 10
I have never watched this show, nor do I want to, but these recaps are my weekly highlight. I can't really tell what is real and what is Gabe exaggerating so I just read the whole thing going "WHAT". A+ Gabe.
Score = 2
Gabe is not exaggerating in his recaps which make them even funnier. He just recaps the show and you laugh.
Score = 1
"these bleeds, right here? THESE fuckin' bleeds?"
Score = 0
Sleeveless AE sweatshirts are the best for stopping rapes.
"The lack of sleeves makes it easier to move my arms." -Godric
Score = 2
This show is starting to lose me with all these pointless crazy makes no sense storylines and lame twist.
Score = -1
I don't remember all of this happening in the books...!
Score = -1
"I wish I had never asked that wizard to give me this stupid name."
You lay Easter Eggs, then you leave them around. I like that.
Score = 2
I can't deny my love for this show. It's like Days of Our Lives with a body count.
Score = 1