Gossip Girl: Short Eyes Wide Shut
Blair has community service because of how she invited the new teacher, Ms. Carr, to the opera as a prank. I really wish they would have shown the scene in which Ms. Carr was forced to explain her side of the story. "Well, yes, I accepted a student's invitation to dinner and the opera. As a grown woman, I am always eager to accept any invitation from one of the young children put in my care. Hardly a night goes by where I'm not out exploring the city with a child at my side. So you can imagine my embarrassment and frustration at being stood up by Ms. Waldorf. Why, I could have been out with some other student instead of wasting my time." The dean probably just shook her head and started crying because of what a tragedy it was for an enthusiastic young teacher with absolutely no boundaries whatsoever to have her eyes opened to the cruelty of teenagers. If only we could all remain in the ignorant bliss of being in our mid-20s and having absolutely no sense of proportion when it came to the welfare of high school children. Because let us not forget, these are all children.
Of course, Blair doesn't actually do her community service, she makes Dorota do it. Until her dad shows up with a fabulous gay picnic, because she would never want her father to think that she was anything other than an upstanding citizen. Sure, although why would Dorota even be there. The dad does not care. "Hello woman who I pay to maintain my house but who obviously has an unhealthy relationship with my daughter. Carry on!" Blair's dad is like "you are the most honest person I've ever met," or something. SOMETHING TELLS ME HE IS GOING TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY BY THE END OF THIS EPISODE!
Meanwhile, Serena walks into "the coffee shop" and finds Dan hanging out with Ms. Carr. Just a student hanging out with his teacher over coffee and orange juice before school has even started. Typical high school stuff. Let's pretend that the first class at Constance Billard starts at 8, which is rather leisurely if I remember high school correctly. For Dan to get to the Upper East Side from Williamsburg (or DUMBO) he's going to need about 45 minutes, so he would leave the house around 7:15. But if he wants to stop and get coffee and orange juice with his teacher, you know, just the kind of thing every student does all the time, he needs to leave the house an hour earlier? So 6:15 is it? You know what, just set the alarm for 4 AM and spend the extra time organizing your monocle collection, or whatever it is teenagers do these days when they're not busy always having breakfast with their teachers. Serena is supposed to give Ms. Carr her paper, but she is too scared because of what a great writer Dan is. I guess that paper wasn't due anyway and that's how school works. "I didn't do my homework because my boyfriend is better at homework." A++, go to Yale.
Blair wants to destroy Ms. Carr, but the other mean girls aren't having it.
But then the Dean comes out and announces that cell phone use will no longer be permitted during school hours, because of how major announcements at schools are done impromptu on the steps right before class. This show is basically a documentary about high school and how high schools do stuff. Now the mean girls are furious, and the cell phone ban was all Ms. Carr's idea, which we know because of how she is also outside of the school. Case closed. Blair gets Dorota to sneak in some contraband matching pink RAZRs and the girls use them to try and investigate Ms. Carr's history, because I am sure that an elite private school on the Upper East Side training the next generation of industry titans has a strict NO COMPUTERS ON SCHOOL PROPERTY rule. Rich kids never use computers. What do they look like, farmers? The mean girls come up emptyhanded, but then Blair sees Ms. Carr and Dan talking in the hallway and decides to spread a rumor on Gossip Girl that they are fucking. It's basically a classic high school prank in which you get your teacher thrown in jail for statutory rape as a goof.
Everyone in the courtyard is giving Dan high fives because it's awesome to fuck your teacher. Jenny comes up and tells Dan that the whole thing is on Gossip Girl, he makes fun of her eye makeup, and she leaves. I hope this is the new standard in Jenny Humphrey Usage: 45 seconds of screen time and then get her out of there. Serena confronts Dan about having so much sex with Ms. Carr that it's crazy how much sex they have, and Dan is like "no way," and Serena is like "Blair." She finally turns in her paper to Ms. Carr because insane fabricated sex scandals always seems to help people get over the fear of turning in their homework. Serena is like "don't worry about the rumor on Gossip Girl that you had sex with Dan, everyone will just forget about it," and Ms. Carr is like "what's Gossip Girl?" Really? Shouldn't the question you be asking be "What's I NEED A LAWYER?"
Blair is expelled for being a liar, and her dreams of going to Yale are over. She tells her dad that she didn't lie about Ms. Carr and Dan, because the only thing worse than being expelled from school for creating prosecutable lies about your teacher is having your gay dad who lives in France think that you lied about something. He vows to fight! With lawyers! There is a Parent Council Meeting tonight! To discuss these slander charges!
Serena and Ms. Carr meet in the park, OF COURSE. I don't think you guys realize how common it is for high school students to constantly be meeting with their teachers in parks and coffee shops at all hours of the day and night. Constantly. That's just how school is. Serena tries to make the case for why Blair shouldn't be expelled, which seems to revolve around the air-tight argument that "she wants to go to Yale, though." Ms. Carr apologizes for thinking that Blair's accusations of basically jail-time-worthy statutory rape kind of trump Serena and Blair's being friends as a reason for why the expulsion should stand. But UH OH, she leaves her dayplanner on the bench. Serena decides to bring it to her at her next meeting, which is scheduled for that evening at "the coffee shop."
Now, look, I'm not a lawyer, or even a particularly high-functioning adult, but if I had just been accused of having inappropriate relations with one of my students, I would not MEET THAT STUDENT ALONE AT A RESTAURANT THAT SAME NIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. Ms. Carr shouldn't be fired for having sex with Dan. She should be fired for being a FUCKING IDIOT. She explains over coffee that she would never in a million years have sex with Dan, and he TAKES OFFENSE? Yuck. But even worse is that she then explains that no, no, she would never in a million years because of how she is a teacher and he is a student, not because of Dan not being super fuckable and that she would like to fuck him all the time, and that he should call her in five years and they will fuck so hard. Jesus Christ. Oh, also, surprise, Serena shows up with the dayplanner, because Ms. Carr PENCILED IN HER MEETING WITH DAN INTO HER DAYPLANNER, JUST TO BE SURE SHE DIDN'T MISS THE IMPORTANT LATE NIGHT MEETING WITH THE STUDENT SHE'D JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF RAPING, SO MANY MEETINGS AND THINGS TO JUGGLE IT'S HARD TO KEEP THEM STRAIGHT. Serena sees Dan gently brushing Ms. Carr's hair behind her ear with his soft, writerly fingers, and she takes a cell phone picture. If only that was one of those new Motorola Gun Phones. It has a 10 megabullet gun built right in.
Blair bursts into the Parent Council Meeting with Serena's picture and is like "See, rape!" So Ms. Carr is fired. On the spot. At a Parent Council Meeting. In the middle of the night. Based on a cell phone photo presented by a historically vindictive high school student. Because that's how law works. Rufus is so mad at Dan that he walks away. Lilly also walks away. Then Blair's dad overhears Blair admitting that she lied and he walks away. Smart. Parents should always walk away when statutory rape is involved. Just get out of there. They know the way home.
Serena goes to Ms. Carr's house the next day to apologize. Ms Carr tells her that she read her paper last night, and that it's really good. Awww. Wait, what? You got fired from your job for fucking one of your students and you went home and read papers? You really need to go to jail, Ms. Carr. They have medicine there. Dan also comes over to apologize to Ms. Carr but instead Ms. Carr actually does rape him because she's not a teacher anymore so it's Rape Town, Population: So Much Rape. And then the Dean of Constance is like "let's give her her job back 4 fun." Perfect. I hope that this storyline never gets buried at the bottom of the ocean where it can't hurt people anymore.
MEANWHILE, Chuck Bass is in Eyes Wide Shut. The whole thing is just Eyes Wide Shut. At one point he says "This is Eyes Wide Shut," and he's right, because it is.
But more importantly, CHUCK BASS HAS A 646 PHONE NUMBER? LOLOLOLOLOL. What a loser!
Posted by Gabe at 11:00 AM in Soap Operas
Tags: Blair Waldorf | Blake Lively | Chace Crawford | Chuck Bass | Dan Humphrey | Ed Westwick | Gossip Girl | Leighton Meester | Nate Archibald | Penn Badgley | Serena Van Der Woodsen
In regards to how long this post is, Gossip Girl is not that big of a deal. But I will say, I got this poster of Blake Lively that is, insane. I'll take her to my opera.
Score = -20
Too much stupid characters, too little Chuck Bass. It was like a Kate & Jack-centric LOST episode.
Score = 4
Yeah, no billionaire new yorker would have a 646 number. It just doesn't happen.
Score = 1
i went to a (basically) poor public high school and even we were always trying to get the teachers fired for fucking students, getting community serivce for playing pranks and you know, clapping our hands at our fellow students - demanding they obey us -
so this is totatlly believable to me
Score = 4
I'm pretty sure it's not rape in NYS if he's seventeen. Miss Carr does have some standards.
Score = -3
Thank you for eliminating any mention of Nate, Vanessa, and their Chuck-inspired sex games.
Score = 8
I know, what's the point of having two characters that are very happy together for multiple episodes? They were already uninteresting as it was...but at least this way they can be uninteresting with limited screen time.
Score = 0
What's the point of Vanessa, period?
Score = 5
"It's like the Chuck Bass version of Narnia"
That quote was only thing that made last night's episode worth watching for me. And Ms. Carr is obviously a friggin idiot but she managed to do the impossible and FINALLY break up tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber. Now all we need is for a bus to conveniently run them all over and everything will be perfect! CROSS YOUR FINGERS PEOPLE!!
Score = 2
Did I catch Blair quoting Gladiator last night? Terrible.
Score = 0
Nope you caught her quoting 300. Still not sure how that happened, but it was epic.
Loooooooooved this episode. Gossip Girl, for all it's ridiculousness, is the best. Can't wait until March for the next ep!
Score = 2
What about this line "What we do in life echoes in eternity"? It got cut off from Gabe's clip.
I think she was just on a tear with the quotes from Sandal Epics.
Score = 0
I was baffled by how Dan spent the entire episode trying to hookup with the teacher, but also denying that he wanted to hook up with the teacher. All the while ignoring his known slut of a girlfriend in an obvious attempt at hooking up with said teacher. That said, clearly the writers are going to go toward a Serena/Dan reconciliation from now on to get rid of even worse plot device lovers; i.e. Aaron. Only to break them up 3 eps later. Ok, I'm on the kill Dan/Serena bandwagon. Can't one of them catch Gonnorhea and die already?
Score = 1
This episode was the worst, but your blog post makes me feel less guilty for wasting an hour watching it. You'd think they could get an actress older than Blake Lively to play the teacher.
Score = 0
My laughter at the Vicky Vail caption totally blew my furtive Internet reading cover. Thanks for not mentioning V and Nate smuggin' it up, but I have an important question. How old is Ms. Carr (who is so awful she makes me almost like Serena somehow) supposed to be? 23? 25? Not that I would have banged a 17 year old at either age but I really need to know for some reason.
Score = 0
Does Gossip Girl have a prepaid phone she ditches every week and that's why they haven't Lord-of-the-Flies'd her yet? This (entire show) doesn't make sense.
Score = 0
Not to defend the verisimilitude of Gossip Girl but me and a group of friends totally saw Rushmore with our high school English teacher. It was kind of awkward but I wouldn't say it was inappropriate. I mean sure, there were rumors he was gay. And the four of us were all dudes...
Hey guys, what's the statute of limitations on statutory rape?
Score = 0
You forgot to mention that for like, two whole seconds they considered shutting Gossip Girl down but Lily saved the day because this show would totally not exist without that website. Blasphemous!
Score = 2
Gabe, the high school business has changed a lot in the last 30 years -- do some research! Great recap though (again).
Also, from what you describe Dorota seems to passive-aggressively manipulate Blair?
Score = 0
This. Is. CONSTANCE. The music behind her little tirade was kind of horribly amazing.
Score = 0
the first 3 minutes of the episode with Blair "doing" her community service and the last 3 minutes with the whole dan/ms.carr hooking up where the besttttttttttttttt.
that scene with dan and ms.carr reminded me of the scene with blair and chuck doing it in the back of a limo... perfection.
dan actually did something that required balls in this episode.. he is no longer the most boring person in this series.
Score = -1
the first 3 minutes of the episode with Blair "doing" her community service and the last 3 minutes with the whole dan/ms.carr hooking up where the besttttttttttttttt.
that scene with dan and ms.carr reminded me of the scene with blair and chuck doing it in the back of a limo... perfection.
dan actually did something that required balls in this episode.. he is no longer the most boring person in this series.
Score = -1
646 Area Codes Rock!!!!
Score = 0
augh dan and ms carr. its so wrong yet i can't help but want to see where it goes. I'm a horrid addict...
Score = 0
i don't mind vanessa and nate anymore. nice window dressing.
Score = 0