True Blood: It's Only A Matter Of Time Before This Show Has A Swamp Thing
Daphne is a baby deer! Her and Sam start making out because JUNGLE FEVER. (There are a lot of puppies and tiny little deer in the jungle, you need to look that up.) But then they get interrupted by Terry and Darlene, who are escaping from Marianne's sex party to go have sex, yes, but in the woods. Most people at one of Marianne's sex parties are content to just eat dirt and rub their faces in the pie. Not Terry and Darlene. They are a classy couple. They will retreat to the woods for sex. But they scare Daphne away, and Sam is like, "uh-der," because Sam is always dumb now in every scene in every episode. "Your motivation is 'idiot.'" Later, though, Sam will have sex with Daphne on a pool table at his own restaurant, because he may constantly be yelling at everyone about doing a better job, but he's the boss, and so health code can kiss his butt. Right before they do it Daphne tells him that she's surprised that he has never met a shapeshifter before. "A few werewolves, sure," Sam says. Oh this show.
Meanwhile, in Dallas, Texas:
Why is Vampire Eric so upset about Godric? That's what Bill says to Eric when Eric is screaming at the Dallas Vampires. There are two of them in a fancy house. I don't understand how vampire culture works. Like, every state has a sheriff? And there is a king and queen? And there are mayors? And there is, as we know, a Junkyard Vampire Court of Vampire Law, with honorable Judge Vampire presiding from the truckbed? But if there are so many vampires and they have their own shadow government, you would think that they would have a better system for dealing with crisis management than just standing around a Dwell Magazine living room yelling at each other about it. The Dallas vampires are disdainful of Sookie, and Vampire Bill is like "respect her!" as if we aren't all disdainful of Sookie.
Oh wait, but why is Vampire Eric so upset about Godric? BECAUSE GODRIC WAS HIS MAKER! And also his father, and his brother, and his...child?
He says that with almost tears in his eyes. As if that was a real thing and we were supposed to understand the emotional weight of the situation. I thought that vampires didn't have feelings. Wasn't that what made them so tragic? That they had no emotional attachment to the world? Or do they just have vampire feelings about other vampires? Haha, look at me going on as if this is a real thing to talk about. Vampires do not exist. Their emotions are irrelevant.
Sookie agrees that she will infiltrate the Church of the Sun to find out if they were responsible for abducting Godric. Vampire Bill doesn't want her to go. He wishes he could stay in this Vampire Hotel with Terrycloth Vampire Robes forever.
It makes sense that Vampire Bill would want to stay in the Vampire Hotel forever. It is conveniently located at the intersection of Haha Boulevard and Photoshop Street.
Also there is that other telepathic dweeb, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with Sookie. He is like "take your continental breakfast and leave me alone." Why do they put out a full continental breakfast at the Vampire Hotel in the morning? It's a Vampire Hotel. Everyone is sleeping, and none of them need pastries. Forget it, Jake, it's Vampire Hotel Town.
Speaking of the Church of the Sun, Jason Stackhouse is the best leader because he can scale a four-foot-high fence. Everyone else is like "this four-foot-high fence is too high!" Not for Jason Stackhouse. Jason Stackhouse climbs that four-foot-high fence and is like "Give me your hand. The make-believe vampires on the other side of this insurmountable (completely surmountable) fence will not be eating your make-believe family. Not make-believe today. Not on my make-believe watch."
He is such a good leader, that the one guy takes him into the secret gun/wine cellar.
Good job, Jason Stackhouse. You get a handjob.
Lafayette is back, and he wants to return to work, but he has got the PTSD. It has changed him. He is quiet and reserved and he does not sass everyone. Something has broken inside of him. What has not broken, though, is his ability to put on a ton of make up.
Still got that!
Oh, and Marianne. Ugh, this plot is not going anywhere. She moves into Sookie's Grandmother's house, and Tara is like "you can't just move in here," and she's like, "I thought you wanted us here," and her boyfriend is like, "that is what family does," and on the one hand, I know that we're supposed to understand that there's this fine line being walked between these guys being sinister and strange but also providing love and support when no one else will, kind of like the way gangs do, or pimps, but at the same time, you would think that ancient Marianne, with her Shimmer Face, would be able to recognize that maybe you can't just move a bunch of people into someone's friend's grandmother's house? No matter how many grapefruits you cut in half. But I guess I am the one who doesn't know anything, because after Marianne uses her magic to make everyone scream at Tara, (as if everyone needed a reason to scream at Tara) she is like "I want you guys to move in here, and I am going to call Sookie and tell her that I just invited three incredibly creepy strangers to move into her house, that ought to make it seem like an OK and normal thing." IN LOUISIANA, MAENADS DO IT WEIRD. That is what my t-shirt says.
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Soap Operas
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
This show is basically the Smurfs for adults, except with drug references and worse accents and Stackhouse in his tightie whi... oh wait, right. Smurfs.
Score = 4
Believable line from such a show, let us call it True Blue: "Then my sistuh stahted shootin' up Smuhrf and befoah ya knew it she was goin' to them Asrael Pride Paraydes."
Score = -2
I hate this show and yet I have to watch it every week because of a group of friends who then get upset when I mention how fucking terrible I think it is. I have never been to this site before BUT PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME WHAT DO I DO?
Score = 3
Leave your friends. All of them.
Score = 33
One of them is my girlfriend who I have been dating for a year and a half.
And I still watch Lost (too weird) and Mad Men (too boring) all alone.
Score = -4
What you need then, my friend, is an ol' fashioned, American-made Suicide Booth crafted by the one and only Bender Bending Rodriguez.
Score = 13
I would return your girlfriend to the Bed, Bath, and Beyond Taste where you got her. If you must exchange her for something, I recommend a pizza stone.
Score = 17
U guyz r just sum pathetic L0SERs who dont kno wut a good show is! okay! this show is hottt and has sum of da best sex scenez ive ever seen and the plot is interesting and different and the characters really good! this whole show is really gud! why dont u all crawl back in ur wholes and cry and wish u culd like somethin good!
BIL LAND SOOKIE R THE SEXIEST! SO IS ERIC! THIS HSOW IS THA BEST SHOW ON TV HANDS DOWN UR GF RULES AND U DONT DESERVE HER!
Score = -9
Yes, you are right. This show is fantastic because it is made by intelligent adults who are Captains of Industry. You slay all of us with your eloquent, tragically beautiful prose. Please post more often.
Score = 24
So now we know where Da Cake Eatur has been.
Score = 6
Appearently johnnyappleseed's never seen a porno
Score = 0
You already know what to do. You politely watch, laugh at the unintentionally hilarious badness, and then come here to commiserate.
Score = 6
once again this show's entire plot lines, if there really are any, are based on whos fucking who... EVERYONE IS GETTING LUCKY (Im jealous)
Score = 1
This episode definitely did that slingshot around the moon thing, in my esteem. It's now awesome because of how ridiculous and stupid and convoluted everything is. It's like a trashy soap opera but instead of regular plot fodder like beautiful people fucking and lying to each other there's crazy supernatural shit. "A few werewolves, sure. Turning into a dog gives me a boner."
Score = 8
Gabe is definitely missing his 2nd calling as Blood Opera Digest's weekly recapper.
Score = 10
Like Calliwell said last week, it's Passions. Now, are you going to posit that Passions was good?
Score = 2
I've never seen Passions, but I know this: soap operas are ridiculous, which is entertaining. Being entertained is awesome. What's wrong with being entertained by ridiculous shit?
Score = 3
Nothing wrong with being entertained by soaps, if that's your thing. I personally find them boring. It's just that you said TB is like a soap but *better* because of the supernatural element, and I was just pointing out that soaps have had that and more -- anybody remember Marlena's being possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives? Shite, True Blood makes that look like Masterpiece Theatre.
Btw, now if I ever wanna play pool at Merlotte's, I'm gonna have to chalk my cue with Valtrex :(
Score = 1
Anything True Blood touches is going to be better than any soap opera because of the major money behind it... Sure it's a character driven show, but comparing it to a soap opera is just ridiculous.
Score = 0
I'ma skip this and watch Dracula: Dead and Loving It again.
Score = 0
But you forgot the sexiest sex-scene dialogue of all ...
DOG: "Are you going to say it?"
DEER: "What?"
DOG: "Nice rack."
DEER: "Nice BALLS."
And then they collapse onto the pool table.
Score = 22
When I heard "nice rack", I swear, my first thought was that maybe Sam was referring to Daphne's deer antlers! You know, a deer rack? Then came the "balls" comment, and the pool table... and I was all, "Oh, duh that's right, girl deers don't have antlers."
I'm glad the show didn't go all the way to dog-on-deer sex (THIS WEEK), but I have my "guillotine on order, just in case."
Score = 4
Well shit, now we have Vampires in cowboy hats, a mention of WEREWOLVES, a shape-shifter that turns into a deer, and vikings. Let's just go for the gold and throw this guy in.
Score = 15
No! You leave Falcor outta this!
Score = 16
It makes sense that Vampire Bill would want to stay in the Vampire Hotel forever. It is conveniently located at the intersection of Haha Boulevard and Photoshop Street.
Hahaha my thoughts exactly. Alan Ball said that "we can't do special effects due to time constraints" but really? You couldn't take a picture of some grand building and just photoshop the logo?
Score = 3
This episode had a character called Sgt. Gabe! Coincidence ? I think not.
Score = 5
How did this guy manage to write Six Feet Under?
Score = 2
for a second last night I thought Godric was Wilmer Valderama (sp?)
Score = 1
I thought he looked like Pete Wentz
Score = 1
"I like your rack"
"I like your balls"
Score = 0
When I heard "nice rack", I swear, my first thought was that maybe Sam was referring to Daphne's deer antlers! You know, a deer rack? Then came the "balls" comment, and the pool table, and I was all, "Oh, duh that's right, girl deers don't have antlers."
I'm glad the show didn't go all the way to dog-on-deer sex (THIS WEEK), but I have my "guillotine on order, just in case."
Score = 2
Has the gentleman who plays Vampire Bill done something to anger the hair and makeup people?
Score = 1
ahaha vampires in terrycloth robes the darndest things :D
Score = 0
True Blood is the best show on TV right now. If you think it's stupid and childish and ridiculous, then you just don't get it. Yes, it's campy - but I always thought a bit of levity is always necessary when dealing with the supernatural. You can't take yourself too seriously, or else it would be Twilight. Look at Buffy the Vampire Slayer, possibly one of the best shows ever created that had to do with vampires, demons and the like but it made jokes about, it was aware of the ridiculous aspects and would poke fun at it. I kind of see True Blood in the same vein... but yeah, laughed my ass off at the Photoshop and terrycloth vampire robe comments. At least this show has become a nice platform for your comedy, Gabe.
Score = 0